Daughters don't want to go to their fathers on weekends.

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

I seperated from my now ex-husband in 2005. My daughters were then 7. Over the last 4 and a half years he has not been great at seeing them on a regular basis. It has been intermittent. When we first seperated I said that there would never be a problem with him seeing them whenever he wanted, but I didn't realise that he would not want to see them very much. Eventually we agreed he would see them every other weekend, but even this was intermittent. It depended on what else he had to do. I was of the opinion that if he only sees them every other weekend then those weekends he should not make plans to do anything else!



Anyway we are not 4 years on and gradually as they have got older they have stated that they do not want to go. He is of the opinion that they should be made to go regardless as when he was a child he didn't get to make decisions and he had to do as he was told. I am torn. I have never wanted to stop him seeing them, but I feel that he hasn't really offered them the time and attention that he should of and now they are not bothered about spending time with him. They say that they get bored at his. They stay up late watching films that they have no interest in, e.g. Shawshank Redemption and Green Mile. In the morning he doesn't get up till midday or even later and they would just rather stay home.



At what age is it OK for kids to make the decision about seeing the absent parent or not?

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Yashia - posted on 03/03/2010

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Greetings Coreena
i have my eleven year old daughter who has a similar experience. When she was four her father and i seperated, and she was completely torn. she spent time with him regulary in the beginning and then it became less, and less. it got to the point where she would simply say i do not want to go to my fathers house this weekend when she was asked if she wanted to go. this has been going on now for a while. i do not force her to go but still encourage it. there is some communication between them, and he has asked her why, and she appears indifferent, he has reached a point where he will accommodate her when she feels like she wants to visit, and i have left it at that. i do continue to encourage her to maintain open communication with her, and he visits our home (wish it were more often). i am praying that as she grows older and with continued encouragement she will probably want to go over. i neglected to mention that he got married had a baby, and she has two step siblings sometimes i feel that has an impact on her not wanting to visit, and she has admitted that her lack of wanting to visit has to do with not having that intimate time with her father. have you explored with them why?

Shannon - posted on 02/11/2010

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I to am in a similar situation. My daughter are 11 and 15 and we have only been divorced since October 2009. They do not want to go when and if he attempts to ask them to come over. However my divorce papers have a section in them that states that given my daughters ages their wishes will be respected regarding visitation. He hasn't pushed the issue (yet) of them coming over (partly because they are very active), but not sure how it will go if and when he does.

[deleted account]

Well I am in a similar situation, the only difference is that tried to push my ex into seeing them in a regular basis. I was going on the info that children need their father even if he is a (I won't say). Anyways after finely getting him to do so, I find out that he has been prepping them for molestation. You can imaging how guilty I felt once I found out. All I'm saying is trust your gut and your girls intuition. Sometimes there are reasons why they do not want to go.

Michele - posted on 02/08/2010

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If there is a court order stating he gets visitation then it is my interpretation that the children do not have the choice as to wether or not they want to visit the other parent. If you allow them to make that choice to stay home then you could be found of custodial interference. I would talk to my children about their concerns if it is not a safety issue then I would try to explain to them this is their father and that though he may not always make great choices they still need to have as much of a relationship with him as they can. I would then talk to dad about how the girls feel and how his choices are effecting their desires to have a relationhip with him. I believe as long as a child is not in physical or emotional harm then they should visit with their dad. If you believe it would be in your children's best interest to not visit with dad then I would suggest taking it before a judge to get a ruling that will protect you and your kids. Good Luck and I hope this helps!

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Tamara - posted on 03/03/2010

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if there is problem and ur daughters don't want to go the best thing is to speak to a lawyer if u have final concent orders done then it's the best way, i don't think the court will force the girls to go if they don't want to but will do what they can to find out why they don't want to go, if you get me. i honestly don't think the new shared parenting thing works for everyone, they didn't really thinit through when bringing it into the childrens court. good luck

Kirsty - posted on 03/01/2010

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Help! I separated from my husband last March. I had no problem with him seeing the girls (4 and 3) whenever he wanted but it didn't work out. I have tried set days, weekends, seeing them at his mums or a mediation centre but nothing has worked. He has been so far unreliable and the girls are hysterical when they meet their dad, hysterical when they are with him, and hysterical when they come home. It then takes me a good few days to get them calmed down and back into a routine, only to go through it again. He is late to pick them up, early to drop them off, and quite often keeps them for an hour or two before phoning telling me to pick them up cos they are hysterical. I am now at my wits end. Do I put everyone through this still, or do I put a stop to it and stop contact? I also have recently met someone who the girls love, and ever since, my soon to be ex has been asking to see his children more. Im so confused....help!!

Nicole - posted on 02/22/2010

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I am in the same boat as you! My daughter is 8 and she tells her dad on the phone she doesn't want to go to his house. She doesn't want to leave my side much and she tells me she hates going over there. He is an off and on father too. If something better is going on like a party then he rather do that then see his daughter. Then he want to blame me for it all and I told him I don't tell her to call him and say she doesn't want to go. She askes to call him and I let her.

Elizabethe - posted on 02/09/2010

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I think that an outside mediator whether it be a law office or therapist would be better if he is being difficult and will not listen to what your children are saying. Maybe a wakeup call would be a better tool if he would listen the kids you are your kids best advocate. Work from that and good luck.

Michele - posted on 02/08/2010

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If there is a court order stating he gets visitation then it is my interpretation that the children do not have the choice as to wether or not they want to visit the other parent. If you allow them to make that choice to stay home then you could be found of custodial interference. I would talk to my children about their concerns if it is not a safety issue then I would try to explain to them this is their father and that though he may not always make great choices they still need to have as much of a relationship with him as they can. I would then talk to dad about how the girls feel and how his choices are effecting their desires to have a relationhip with him. I believe as long as a child is not in physical or emotional harm then they should visit with their dad. If you believe it would be in your children's best interest to not visit with dad then I would suggest taking it before a judge to get a ruling that will protect you and your kids. Good Luck and I hope this helps!

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