dead beat dad

Heidi - posted on 05/01/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My daughters father has seen her two times in the past two years. He comes in and out of her life when it's convenient for him. My daughter is six years old and is starting to understand things. However, she still gets very upset and thinks her daddy doesn't love her. Although her father is not in the picture I never talk negatively about him and I am always telling her that he loves her. I've told her that daddy doesn't doesn't know how to show it and he doesn't make good choices. Anyone have any words of wisdom to help me talk to her. She still doesn't understand and i don't know what else to tell her without talking bad about him. Thanks so much

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Lux - posted on 04/28/2013

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....and, I want to get the word OUT about this deadbeat....I was figuring on opening a website which links to his band, and telling the TRUTH about WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME AND HIS NEWBORN SON! I'M SO FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY THAT HE IS BEHAVING THIS WAY! I'm also scared he will find us in a few years, when he realizes he will go NOWHERE with his band, at 28 YEARS OLD, and want to see his son...which I will NOT allow because I am now in a stable relationship, and DO NOT WANT my child massively confused! I just don't know how to proceed....I can't petition the courts to find him, because he is basically living 'off the grid'. They will NEVER find him....being that (as he told me, and his Mother), his OWN birth certificate and Social Security card are in two different names! His birth certificate says, Richard Norman Jason Carroll IV, and his Social Security card says his name is Jason Carroll. It is SO confusing, and the county can not reach him, being that he not only is 'unidentifiable, but is now living in Minneapolis!!!!

Lux - posted on 04/28/2013

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I don't know what happened to my recent post...but, I am desperate. My baby's Father, walked out on me when I was 3 months pregnant. At first, we believed I was miscarrying, because I DIDN'T KNOW I WAS PREGNANT UNTIL THE 3RD MONTH!!!! To make a long story short, he didn't believe me, and left to live with his friend in Minneapolis, as we both are from Philadelphia. He will NOT respond to ANY of my emails....AND, he STILL refuses to believe he has a child! He is in a really, REALLY awful 'rock band' in Minneapolis, called, Rebel City Rollers. I tried contacting via Facebook several times, and he sent me awful messages pertaining to how he 'wants me dead and my child', through posting a horrible song insinuating these things! I have contacted a lawyer, and my lawyer told me he CANNOT sign away paternal rights in the state of PA. I'm massively confused. I KNOW if my lawyer created paperwork for him to 'sign away his rights', he would. But, the lawyer is telling me they won't uphold in court if he DOES decide to want rights down the road. Does ANYONE have any advice as to WHAT DO I DO????

Sue - posted on 05/29/2009

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My daughter is now 23 and her father didnt bother with her since we split at her age 7. You can't control him so stop trying. Go to her school and schedule her with the counciler there - they are great! Your daughter will have someone to talk to that is not a part of any of this. And remember he is the one loosing out. Just don't dwell on it. Be her mom, have fun with her and she will survive this.

SUE - posted on 05/20/2009

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Sounds like you have covered it the best you can. No matter how much you try to reassure her, kids always feel like they did something wrong to cause them to not be a part of their lives. I just tell my kids he loves them in the best way he knows how and when he gets older, he'll realize his mistake and hopefully it won't be too late but if it is, it's his loss. My 25 yr old just recently started speaking to her father and they have not had any contact since she was 3 yrs old. It's very hard, but she's trying and I'm torn about it. Good luck. Keep being as positive about him as you can because in the end she will resent you if you bad mouth him.

Jodi - posted on 05/11/2009

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The only type of advice I can give you, is that while my son was growing up, I was always honest with him, either that I couldn't find his dad, or would take him to his father and let him hear from him that he didn't want to see him. I never did keep taking him back, just a few times, then on the way home, he would ask why his dad didn't want to see him. I just told him that right now Daddy's busy and when he becomes unbusy, he may come see you then. I never put him down. My son is 15 now and now that his father has "grown up" as we were teenagers when we had him, and now that he can take care of himself, he wants to have a "visitation" schedule. However, my son is 15 and doesn't want to, so I'm not worried about court, if he chooses. I know it's hard and it breaks your heart everytime you see your daughter hurt, but soon enough it will pass and she won't be asking about her dad anymore. She will just take it as is. I hope this helps, as I'm sure about the only thing that does help is knowing you are not alone. It is a hard thing to go through and I wish you all the luck. I just went through this with my stepsons too, their mom would come when it was convenient for her, now we went through mediation and she has no visitation unless the kids request it and even then it's supervised at her expense. It will come to bite him in the booty in the end. Keep your head up and just know she will love you even more as the years go bye.

Jennifer - posted on 05/04/2009

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the one thing you can count on, when they are older they will realize the truth... however it sucks waiting for that time!!!

Anita - posted on 05/04/2009

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i definitely know what you are saying. it burns me to protect my ex, but i know it is in the best interest of my girls. always trust what you are doing... maternal instinct is generally spot on!

Heidi - posted on 05/04/2009

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Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I'm doing the right thing, but I guess as a mom wanting to protect your children, you question your judgement at times. Being the Mom and Dad is so tough at times

Jennifer - posted on 05/03/2009

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Well, I think it's great that you aren't willing to be negative about him. I understand that.! I'm in the same position, however, I don't have any advice on this, I'm also looking for the same advice. I wish you luck.

Anita - posted on 05/03/2009

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acknowledge her feelings to her like "i understand that you are hurt, i would be too, but i don't know why your daddy doesn't visit. maybe you can ask him the next time you see him"



definitely don't talk bad about him to her.... she will eventually figure out how selfish he is on her own. eventually, she probably won't even want him to visit her when he does decide to show up.

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