Feeling guilty about moving on

Mariveth - posted on 12/14/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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My ex and I have been seperated for 3 years now. He's the one who left and is now on his 2nd relationship. So why is it that i'm the one that feels guilty about meeting someone and moving on? Is this normal?

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Nikki - posted on 12/28/2009

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It takes time to grieve, and there is no set timeframe. Feel what you need to feel, and don't second guess it. When my ex husband and I split, he thought I had moved on too quickly, but it was just that I had done my grieving before we actually split, which is often the case. In time, things will become easier.



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Deb - posted on 01/06/2010

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I find myself in a similar situation. I think that our feelings ARE normal. If you are anything like me I focus alot of my attention on my child and hold her in the utmost priority. Hence, I have left my own needs on the sidelines and have not really even started to think about getting my own life until recently...it's also been 3 years. My ex also left us and is also on his multiple relationship, but this time with his ex-wife and a new baby...probably another that's not going to work out, and who suffers, my girl. There are actulally a few fleeting moments when I feel sorry for him. Anywho... in response to feelings of guilt...we will get over it, I honestly think that these feelings arise because we feel we are taking time away from our kids to focus on ourselves rather than it being about moving on from our ex. Hope my point of view helps. Take care and best wishes for a future filled with happiness!

Stacie - posted on 01/06/2010

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It could be normal. My suggestion is to date around and see if you feel comfortable around another guy. This may help you to move on. If you can't bring yourself to going on a date with another guy for a while, try chatting with another guy online. If your children are not comfortable with you going out on dates try what I did. I take one child out at a time on a "date". We go out to eat at the child's pick and watch a movie, either in a theater or at home. Next time I go out I take the other child. I started this because my oldest didn't want mommy to go on a date. It worked fine, I could go out, and xavier was okay with it because he knew the next night he was going on a date with mom. I have also used the "date" to solve problems with my younger child not wanting to go to his dad's house.

Joy - posted on 12/28/2009

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u need to stop feeling sorry for urself and stop hoping he will come back, he is not worth it. u hv to put some value on urself

Dawn - posted on 12/23/2009

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I was married for just about 12 years to my ex and not only did I move on, I moved on into a totally new and life changing environment. I'm in love with another woman who in returns offers everything and anything she can. So my ex lost out because he only saw the faults in me. My currant relationship sees only the positive. I hope you find your way. You should never feel guilty about something that could make your like great and complete. But if you don't feel it right away, it may just not be the right persona nd have nothing to do with guilt. Good luck!!

Irene - posted on 12/21/2009

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Dear Martiveth,
What you are feeling is very normal. I am also divorced after 2 years of separation, he decided he "loved me but was no longer in love with me", I have 3 girls (21,19 and 12).
It is really hard to move on and not feel guilty about starting to look for companionship for yourself. I found that what helped is to focus on something I wanted to do. I decided to go back to school and start a new career. I have made many new friends who have given me a different perspective on my situation. It has helped me to find myself, to find out what I want and feel better about myself. It has given me new confidence and I am proud of what I have accomplished so far. Once you start getting your confidence back and realize that you deserve to have someone special in your life too, things will start getting better for you. But you need to open yourself up to others and let them know you are ready to accept other people in your life. Good luck, I know it's hard but you CAN do it!!
Love, Irene Salcido

Lisa - posted on 12/19/2009

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excellent advice...it takes awhile to change a routine but once you do you'll find yourself refreshed and happier

Connie - posted on 12/19/2009

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Are u feeling guilt because of the yr child or because u still have feeling for him. If it is because of u child, just let yr child know that they come first and u would never try to replace their father. If it is because of the ex. Yr guilt maybe that u have not learned to change yr routine. U may be still living yr life as if he was still there. U could start by making small changes in yr life. Like finding a hobby or taking a class to better yr career. Maybe going place that u always wished you had gone but never went. Or, taking yr friends up on the offer to go hang out. Just start small.

Lisa - posted on 12/19/2009

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Realize that you need to accept your feelings as they are but do not allow them to overwhelm you. You really have no reason to feel guilty for wanting to move on. But if you do feel guilty, it may be because your not ready yet. I would take time to myself to work through what your really feeling and when the time comes for you to move on, you'll feel it and be able to with no problem.

Crystal - posted on 12/17/2009

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Well, that may be normal. The time it takes to move on may depend on how long you spent with him and how much you loved him. Me and my ex spent about 5 years together, but it wasn't something that I enjoyed because he was permiscuous and he actually left me for one of the people he cheated on me with (for money I'm assuming). So, my recovery time from that was about 3 weeks before I started making new friends and meeting new people. Hope that helps a lil bit :)

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