*FRUSTRATED* im not a perfect mom , but , my kids are my life and my kids step mom &i seem to ALWAYS be in a constant tug of war . Will she ever accept me for who i am and stop judging everything in my life ! the assumptions and things she tells my kids lately is REALLY upsetting
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
You are right, it is disrespectful, and we must each look at our own situation. If you are the step-mom who is respectful towards the bio mom, even tho she is not with the dad, then I am sorry.
I know that in my case this was the best thing that happened.
The step -mom was not a mom in the first place. Once she took on my kids her title was "nanny" within 6 months she had taken on her cousins daughter. Then she wound up pregnant and her and my ex got married so the baby would . . . well you get the pic.
Anyway, my kids, in very short order, became the pains in the butts and she totally ignored them except for needing babysitters, which they did because they cared for the little sisters. She, in my opinion, has since the birth of their daughter 4 yrs ago, been depressed and has not gotten out of bed much except to shop.
My kids are only a trial for her and she has told them that. Then when they want to come with me or stay for a day or two longer, she blows a fit and tells them all sorts of lies. She calls me and screams things at me that are not true and she has no idea what she is talking about. She even told my youngest that I was not his mother. He was 5 at the time. Imagine the confusion this caused the child and the frustration it caused me. This was very upsetting to both of us.
Not only have things gotten better since I stopped communicating/trying with her. But the ex and I can agree on things that previously we would not have been able to talk about civilly, nevermind agree on.
So yes, every situation must be looked at seperately.
I am glad that you and your situation was able to move forward. But at the same time, just being there does not require the ex to have to respect that fact when (as in my case) the step does not respect the fact that I am the kids mother.
Diamond And Rubies - posted on 06/04/2012
My feelings would feel betrayed a little if I was left. I take care of this child now just as my own. So look at each individual case. I've been told she doesn't need to talk to me cuz I'm not the dad, but I feel that is disrespectful because time has moved fwd and I'm here now and have nothing to do with them.
Well . . . in my opinion, I have nothing to say to step-mom. All my dealings are with the kids father so I don't even bother with step-mom.
The ex and I get along better since I started doing that because I am not accused of saying things to *her*. I did have to tell the ex to "put his pants back on and take off the skirt" because him and I would decide on something and then *she* would say it wouldn't work or didn't suit her. So I told him to take off the skirt and put his pants back on because what we dicided was between us and she had no say. And how would he like it if my husband started calling the shots from this end.
Ever since that conversation the ex and I have gotten along better and according to the kids, he has told her to back off where our decisions for the kids are concerned.
So yes, just stop all communication with her and, in my experience, things should get better. Just remember if you give her nothing to work with she can't go anywhere with it.
Stop the tug-of-war on your side. The kids will come to the point that they decide what to believe of that she is telling them. I found out the less said the better on my part.
The step-mom of my situation was/is forever bad-mouthing me to my kids. She never has, in 6 years, bothered to get to know me. Anything she has to say she is only regurgitating from what my ex and his family have said. Now her in-laws, don't want to have anything to do with her and tell my kids how wonderful I was/am.
My kids have decided that their grandparents and step-mom are goofballs (cleaned up this statement). They don't believe anything that any of them say and check with me about everything, including how to do the laundry.
I stopped, meaning in the beginning I sounded off quite regularly about how I felt about the whole works of them, and now the kids are making up their own minds. Yes, there are still mistakes I make and I am not perfect, but the kids are not caught in the middle.
Things came around when I quit contributing to the problem and asked them (told them) that they needed to respect the adults in their lives in the other house. None of the kids have respect for anything that the adults "over there" have to say or what they feel.
I did ask the kids to stop reporting to me what was going on over there as I had no say or input as to what was going on. Since then they are watching on their own and I live my life with what I want them to see and learn. This has made all of our lives much easier.
Just a thought for you, as my dad used to say, it takes 2 to fight and if one stops the other really looks ridiculous. Just watch them fight with themselves, they don't stop and they can't even win when they have no opponents.
Diamond And Rubies - posted on 06/06/2012
Honestly,no she won't stop.cmy husband says cuz " I'm the easy target". My daughter has an ex stepmom and it took 15 yrsnfor us be nice to one another, out of the blue. Just setting things aside. It's weird,but nice for my daughter and I wish all " parents" would get along. I'm now a step mom and I wonder how my friend has stayed married so long, she had a weird situation and is the best stepmom I know.
It hurts knowing your not respected. I have been on all sides myself. Dealing with a nasty step mom, now dealing with a nastier mom, and I feel stuck too because I always try to be the better person,cut sometimes I would like to sink just as low...
User - posted on 06/05/2012
I know what you mean, I have just learned to ignore that drama, my ex husbands new wife likes to go to places where I am to see me, why? more drama, I really think no contact or very little will limit reactions, I think they just want to look like they are better than us best luck,
Amie - posted on 06/04/2012
Yeah I was pretty aweful.on the beginning and played all their games and made assumptions my self, but I had a breakdown and just couldn't stand back and allow her to say the things she was saying! About a year and a half ago I did the same thing u did! I asked my kids to please just dnt involve me on how thee other parents(SM&) live, or talk b/c. It had me so fuiriated that it consumed me! Since then things did get better and her&I actually were starting to encourage one another on the parental front! BUT lately she's back to.the old ways and its getting worse! I pray for her and her way of thinking b/c I DNT GET HOW SOMEONE COULD BE SO NICE THEN SO.MEAN! I just wonder, will she ever stop assuming im the mom from hell or should I just stop all communication?
Join Circle of Moms
Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.Join Circle of Moms