Getting ready to go through a divorce, any advice?

Elise - posted on 02/03/2011

In my state, a complete absence of a parent from a child's life for a period of six months at your daughter's age is enough for termination of parental rights. I truly see what folks are saying here when they speak to the fact that children need both parents in their lives. However, there comes a time when you must also safeguard that child from influences from that parent that are detrimental, damaging, and perhaps even dangerous for the child.

Get yourself a good attorney as these folks have said, and proceed with divorce even if you don't know where he is. Surely there is a mechanism for accomplishing this despite the fact that he has disappeared. It might be as simple as running an add in the legal notices of a local paper for a peiod of time.

Sara - posted on 04/16/2009

Seek full physical, legal custody. I know here if the other parent is unable to be found. The court requires a notice be posted in the newspaper. Chances are he will not show up to court and all will be well. He will have no rights or benefits. Good luck.

Melissa - posted on 04/10/2009

Definitly hire an attorney. When I was going thru my divorce my husband was left money from his aunt IN HIS NAME ONLY and I couldn't touch it. However he also said we owed his parents money so he wrote the check out to them until the divorce was final then his parents gave him the money back. NICE huh? I would be very carefull especiall since it sounds as if he's not helping with your child and YOU will need as much back up money as possible. Best of Luck to you.

Annette - posted on 04/10/2009

First get a good lawyer. Second don't bad mouth him infront of your daughter.  I know it's hard but she will see the truth and you can always say that you did what was right for her. Third, remember that the more people who love your daughter the better off she will be. Eventually he will show up out of guilt and want to be part of her life.  She may be 18 at the time but it will happen.  Try to be understanding and listen when she needs to talk even if it's about him.

Good luck and God bless you and your little angel.

Camilla - posted on 04/10/2009

Well actually in my state, an inheritance is not mutual funds, even if we were happily married he couldn't touch it!!! My kick ass of a lawyer told me that, she's a real go getter!!! Thank you to everyone who has given me advice!!!!!!

Erika - posted on 04/10/2009

Get a really good lawyer. If you can put the money into an account with somone elses name on the account. That way they can't tell whose money is whose. But make sure it is some one you trust. i know it sounds shaddy but if he can't prove it's your money and only your money the courts usually can't do much about it.

Cindy - posted on 03/15/2009

Cite specific examples ... always. If your parents bought something, ask for it in the divorce. Get everything in writing. Don't have the marital property split between the 2 of you. You get the washing machine and dryer, he gets the TV and DVD player. Make sure it's all specific. I left, i got all the kids clothes, toys, bedroom stuff... and my clothes. He kept everything else. 4 years later wi'm slowing getting other items back, but i think his wife is tired of sleeping on the sheets our kids were conceived on ;) Also remember everything is negotionable and everything's a jumping off point. Maybe you don't WANT everything under the sun, but the worst that can happen is the husband or judge will say no right ? You can NOT keep your husband out of your childs life, you have no reason to do so and they will not allow it. Should he choose to stay out of her life then thats fine, but you don't have that right I'm afraid. Also specifically ask her about the inheritance, but it's already been said. If you have joint accounts with your husband take your name off. You'll have to split marital debts as well, so start working on that. Get a bank account, a credit card etc in your own name and out of his if you have anything jointly try to close it or remove yourself from those accounts.

Camilla - posted on 03/13/2009

Thank you guys! This is all great advice and encouragement. I got in touch with an lawyer and have a meeting soon with her. Is there anything that I should know/ask her?

Lisa - posted on 03/11/2009

Hi Camilla - I have a 5 year old girl and I just finalized my divorce from my ex-husband this past Oct. after being separated for about a year and a half.  It's been difficult for sure, but I've done all I can to work with him as a co-parent and my daughter's father - whether I like all of who he is or not.  I say that to say this - all of this is very useful advice to consider, but keep in mind that you are your own best source of information.  Absolutely continue to seek out info. from those who've gone through separation and divorce with children, but please trust your gut/inner voice first.  No marriage is the same, so no separation or divorce experience can be.  Just remember that peace and light is available to you in the midst of this stormy time in your life if you slow down, stay open to the answers that are right for you and your daughter, and most of all put yourself and your daughter first.  Love yourself and her the best way that you can and you'll find your way.  God bless you and your little girl!

Beth - posted on 03/11/2009

Make sure you open an account in YOUR name only. Inheritance is NOT shared money in most states. You should file for divorce on the basis of one year separation as well as begin to get a custody agreement in place. See an attorney as soon as you can. Stop wearing wedding rings if you haven't already and make sure it is well known you are separated.

Angela - posted on 03/10/2009

Inheritances are many times exempt from "marital property" as long as they are not co-mingled. I would certainly look up your state statutes on that particular issue.

I can't speak to the keeping dad out of kiddos life, I truly believe children deserve and need both parents.

Camilla - posted on 03/09/2009

Thank you to all your guys' advice! This is deffifintly helpfull!! I've been trying to get in touch with some of his old friends, but they all clame that they haven't talked to him in a "while" but I don't buy it! Wish me luck!

Leah - posted on 03/07/2009

First, you need to find out where he is and file for divorce. If the two of you are legally married, depending on which state you live in, he could end up receiving half of your money. Most states have a law that if a parent has not seen their child or paid any child support to that child for a year or more, you can have his parental rights taken away. I would wait until the divorce is final to draw on the money that your father left you. My advice, hire an attorney, or at least call and talk to one in your area to find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter. Hope this information is helpful.

Heather - posted on 03/07/2009

get a good divorce lawyer!! and make that clear that this is the way you want it to be. The only down fall would be is if he is ordered to pay child support then he could make it to where he can see your daughter. But that may not always be the case. Make sure its all written out in the divorce papers because if he does try to come into your life for any reason he would be in contempt of court.

Katie - posted on 03/07/2009

Unless your inheritence is under your ex's name as well, he shouldn't be able to touch it. Don't cash it out and put it in any kind of joint account. It should be classified under something like non-marrital assets, I believe.

Look around for his friends, do some networking- you'll find him eventually, I'm sure. And if you do end up getting divorced- since he's been gone now for awhile and has had little to no contact, you may be able to get him later on for back-child support...maybe, depending on what state you live in. Sounds like a sticky predicament...get yourself a lawyer who's known to get their clients what they want..and keep your inheritence safe and in a bank under your name only...

Good luck- will be praying for you and your little girl ((hugs))

Cindy - posted on 03/07/2009

So sorry about your Dad. You should have a will that states that any money you inherited from your family is solely for you, in other words, if you remarry no future spouse can touch any of your inheritance. That's what I did and it protects your family's assets. It may be too late since you have already inherited it while married, but maybe you can still protect the 2nd half you can't touch yet. Putting it in a trust to your daughter is another good idea. Good luck. I, too, used a mediator and it makes the divorce process so much easier, but I would think you'd have to go in with your ex, when you find him!

Bklyngrl1282@aol.com - posted on 03/02/2009

I have two suggestions:  there is a website www.divorcesource.com that you may find helpful. I have.  They post all topics that you could think of. Scroll through the topics and post. Some people are harsh but most of them know what they are talking about. Second, see if you could find a GOOD mediator as opposed to a lawyer. My neighbor due to finances settled through a mediator Cost: $1,400.  And she got a good deal.  If not then go to lawyer. I say this because your case in not typical. Husband is not around and just maybe you can keep your money.  Make that a bargaining chip if you can

Camilla - posted on 03/01/2009

Well my ex doesn't talk to any of his family. He hates his Mom, never met his Dad, his aunt and her husband told him that they didn't want anything to do with him or us while we were together because he never talked to his Mom and thought it wasn't right that they got to see our daughter and she didn't. One of his Uncle's lives in Wyoming and the other in Alaska, and he MIGHT talk to the one in Wyo. but I know he doesn't talk to the one in Alaska. Trying to find my ex is like a needle in a hay stack!

Gwen - posted on 03/01/2009

lawyer up.  don't try to do it alone, because you will get screwed in the end.  I know it's gonna cost you, but it'll be worth it.

And with any luck, if YOU don't touch the money before the divorce, it won't count as common property.  the lawyer will know better tha me, though.

Karen J. - posted on 03/01/2009

shop around and ask friends who have been divorced.  I got screwed royally, the attorney never finished the job and then he is trying to squeeze me for more money.  I had to get a second attorney to help who didn't have the information necessary from the first attorney to represent me.

you might be able to divorce without an attorney, but I found that difficult to do.  Good luck and sorry to hear that you are getting divorced.

Pam - posted on 02/28/2009

ok well there is your answer. However get a lawyer and get them to contact your ex maybe through his family if you know there whereabouts. Just remember this about her. The diabeties is a concern but if you trust someone that he knows that could supervise contact then try it that way. But give him the chance and your daughter the chance. He can if interested in his daughters well being be educated on how to treat her diabetes

Camilla - posted on 02/28/2009

I would give her Dad a chance to see her, but he doesn't have a phone and I dont know how to get a hold of him. He used to have a cell phone that was paid by his roommate before he got kicked out of that place. My daughter is also diabetic and I wouldn't trust him to take care of her even if I could get a hold of him!

Pam - posted on 02/28/2009

Well the first thing is i know you have had no contact with him in the past year. But is it your right to keep your daughter away from her daddy. Unless he is drugging or doing other serious stuff. This is not about you and not about him its about your wee girl and its not about the money either. Your husband may have a right to your money however if you put it into a trust for your daughter then he cant touch it. But i feel you should give him the opportunity to say yes or no to seeing his daughter. Then if he says no leave it at that but apply for full parental rights to your daughter a veto which prevents him from ever taking her out of the country or your immediate area. Safe guard yourself when it comes to your daughter.The money can provide for her but i think if you lost her for ever then the money wouldnt matter at all. Leave the money out of it and just concentrate on what is best for your daughter. Then if it comes up later then deal with it. But i feel by putting the money under her name its safe and he cant get it.

Sterling - posted on 02/28/2009

I would get a lawyer asap!

Dawn - posted on 02/27/2009

My advice is make sure you have a GREAT attorney.. I have been through 2 and got screwed in the end !!!!  I think he is legally able to have part of that money since you are still married.   Document Document Document... log all visits he has had with his daughter or has not had with his daughter.  Its been 3 years since I seperated from my husband and my divorce is still not final... he was in jail for a dui, is an alcoholic, was abusive, and let me tell you he has the kids 2 overnights during the week and 1 overnight 2 times a month.  I am sorry for the loss of your father; but the longer it takes you to get the process moving; the more opportunity he has to see his daughter.  Best of luck to you