How did you cope with separating?

Melissa - posted on 06/16/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

I'm not actually married, but I didn't really know where else to turn to with this. I'm tired of being constantly contradicted, belitted and ignored. We have an 18 month old son, and I'm 13 weeks pregnant with our second. He's a wonderful father (for the most part), but a terrible partner.

In the 13 weeks that I've been pregnant, I've gone to bed alone all but 3 nights. He stays up every night playing computer games, even if he's already been playing them all day. I'm the working one, and he's going to school, but right now he's only taking one class. 2 hours a day, 4 days a week. There's no reason he couldn't be working part time, or even full time at a second shift position. But he insists it would be impossible for him to do so and still do well in school. Yet he can play games from the time he gets home (about 12:30 in the afternoon) until whenever he goes to sleep (around 3am).

He gets mad at me over anything, no matter how small. The other day he wanted to order out, and I wasn't home so he was texting me wanting me to call for him because he hates calling himself. This is with anything. If he has a bill to pay, a store to call, a restaurant to call, he refuses to be the one to do it. Annoying? Absolutely! But regardless, I try to call but 3 times the place doesn't pick up. He gets upset. So I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to be ordering out anyways; we JUST spent over $250 at the grocery store! So he gives me the age-old excuse about how his back hurts and he's doing homework (funny he was playing games when I got home!) so he didn't want to cook. So I simply said "well, we can't afford for you to be eating out every night. You JUST had mcdonalds last night." to which he replied "whatever I guess I just won't eat then." Then last night he had the audacity to get mad at ME because I'd gone to lay down (I'm pregnant and I've worked all day AND my 18 month old comes to work with me ... I'm exhausted!!) and I came out at about 10pm to get something to drink ... and he's playing games and our son is sleeping on the floor!! I HATE when he lets that happen! So I said "WHY do you let him sleep on the floor?? He needs to be in bed!" so he gets all up in arms "I didn't even know he was on the floor!!" WELL WTF?? AREN'T YOU WATCHING HIM??? But, I simply said "honey, when you let him fall asleep on the floor he wakes up cranky in the morning, and he stays cranky until after his nap time". He literally told me I was making things up, and that I couldn't possibly have noticed that sort of pattern. Excuse me??? I told him "I'M the one with him all day every day! Of COURSE I notice patterns!" so again I got told I'm making things up.

I realize these examples seem small, petty, unworthy of breaking up a family, but this is a daily, consistant thing. We literally do not talk anymore, because I avoid him at all costs. Mainly because whenever I do try to talk to him, it turns into him contradicting me, belittling me, telling me I'm wrong, or just being a flat-out jerk. Even now, knowing the outcome will be negative, I'm still as nice as possible with the slight hope that maybe this time we'll have a decent, friendly conversation. Nope! It never works out that way!

I'm in the process of talking to my parents and grandparents about staying with them for a short period of time. Right now I have absolutely no savings because every dime of my money goes to bills and him eating out. He has savings put away, but the only time he pulls anything out is if he wants to go on a trip or if my money doesn't cover everything. My parents have established there's no room at their house, which is true. I had a short conversation with my grandparents, and was told we'll talk more later, so I'm thinking they might be willing to let me stay.

The thing is, regardless of my being sick to my stomach over this relationship, I still feel guilty. He's the father of my child, soon to be children, and there are a few things I dislike about how he handles things, but all in all he's a good father. I know he's going to harp on the fact that I'm "taking his kids away from him", even though after leaving I'd really like him to take them every other weekend and I do expect him to continue playing an active role in their lives. I know he won't at all see WHY I want to leave, he'll only see that I am, and that his kids are going with me. He doesn't have a job, he doesn't have a license, he doesn't have a car ... of COURSE the kids are coming with me! And I know it's ridiculous, because I've tried talking to him a million times, I've cried, I've begged, I've pleaded, I've even left before, and nothing ever changes. I know I can't be the only one to fix things, I know he needs to work with me, which he basically refuses to do, so I know it's ridiculous for me to feel like I'M the one failing, but I still do. I do love him, but really I love who he used to be. We were friends for 10 years before getting together, and after about 6 months our relationship has sucked. I want my friend back!

How did you guys handle this mumbo-jumbo of feelings and emotions? The anger? Sadness? Exhaustion? Desperation? I just don't know what to do, what to say ... I don't think he even knows I want to leave.