how do i do this????

Crystal - posted on 12/29/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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i have 3 children and they all want me and their daddy to get back together and they are very open about this with me....now there have been talk between me and their dad about getting back together but never in front of the kids cause i dont want to get their hopes up ya know.....but they seem to think if they are bad all day and all night that we will get back together....their dad was the one that did most of the disipilne and now it is all up to me and i have tried doing everything that he did to punish them and its not working....i dont know how to make them listen to me it is getting very frustrating any one got any ideas that will help me i am open to try anything,,,,,thank you in advance for you advice

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Natashi - posted on 01/04/2010

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First of all how old are you children. I have two boys ages five and six and they want me to get married to their dad but I have been very honest with them....I tell them that first of all Daddy is married and Mommie can not come between daddy and his wife and I let them know that Both Daddy and Mommie love them very much but we dont have that love to each other to where we can stay together and that helps them just me being honest with them. So depending on their age level you explain it that way or talk to their dad anby ur self and discuss that this is a very big issue that you are having in the home and then you two sit down with them and tell them honestly how you two feel about each other. ALlow it to be an open discussion so that they can ask you two questions. This could be the reason that they are acting out. Address this to their dad as wel that they dont listen and you two make rule s for the children . Couseling may be the answer as well. They are little people not fully getting the entire situation so the way that they act can just explain what they are feeling inside. Keep your head up and things will only get better

Allisondduncan - posted on 01/04/2010

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Regardless of whether you are a couple or a single mom, the first rule of parenting is always be consistent. This rule got my daughter through the first 2 years of the divorce. Regardless of how you feel they must be suffering from the other situation, they need to have stability.

Childhood goes by so fast, and their character makeup continues whether they are with 2 parents or 1. So you need to establish rules that you want/need to be in place and then stick to them. If you are not consistent, then no matter what rules you put in place, nothing will change. In fact, things will get worse because then the kiddos know they can simply outlast you.

As for discipline, remember there is a difference between discipline and punishment. One is to build character and the other is simply to lend pain to misbehavior. You want to discipline. That means good behavior is rewarded [this too is a form of discipline ;)].

So set up a rewards system. Small things go far for children. Also, give them jobs to do. They want to help, but they need to know how. So simple tasks [feeding the pet, etc] that are in their age bracket become 'their responsibility". Every day they do this, they earn a sticker or something for their weekly chart. At the end of a week, my daughter gets $1 for every day she did ALL her jobs.

We do not give allowance, but rather allow her to earn a paycheck based off of her performance that week. She liked this idea because she knows that Brand, my new partner, goes to work and comes home. It 'fit' in her mind and she accepted it.

I hope you find a way to make it work. Don't give up. And if you do get back together, the new patterns you've established should be kept. Remember. Consistency is key.

Karen - posted on 01/03/2010

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Hi Crystal, I do agree you have to take it day to day ! At this this time the most important thing is your children and you finding harmony in your life with your kids. I know when I got divorced it was so hard to do. I now have rules posted in my house that my boys have to follow and if they dont they have to sit on the naughty stair. Yeap, I got this from the supper nanny web site. It really has some great Ideas and has helped me a lot in some situations when I felt lost and when my boys where out of control.
I also see you stated your children where still up at 11pm. WOW, that has to be difficult, have you limited or removed the sugar they eat and red dye ? I know my youngest Got so wired from red dye alone, once I removed it from his diet , he really calmed down. Just a suggestion.

Denise - posted on 01/02/2010

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The fact that your children are young is a blessing. I would tell them you need to have a family meeting. They will think this is very important and grown up and want to help you. Explain to them that the four of you are a team now and you need their help regardless of what Daddy is doing. Right now you need them to listen and you expect them to obey you because that is how people on the same team behave. As far as getting them to bed...when our Daddy left my kids were 2 and 4. So at bed time we did the same thing every night. I read a story to them while they lay down, snug in their beds, and then we said our prayers out loud. This is when they were able to verbalize their little hearts desires to God. It broke my heart--The first time i heard my little 2 year old pray he said--dear God bring home my Daddy because I love him and I miss him. I didn't address what they prayed- because they needed to feel safe to be able to say anything they wanted to without judgement. It did give me a lot of insight into their minds and hearts. It helped them as well-- to realize that when we do not have the answers we can go to a Higher source to leave our burdens--it cleanses our soul.
(this is kind of silly but we also watched Nanny 911 together and after ward my kids said mom we're not as bad as those kids are we? And they tried to be better because they didn't want to be like "those" kids!)
Find some really good children's books to read at bedtime. Veggie Tales are wonderful!

Crystal - posted on 12/30/2009

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hilary, thank you so much for your advice and to answer your question my kids are 6,4,3 very young to deal with all of this and trust me i have talked with my ex to try and figure out if we should get back together if it is worth fixing things but all i get from him is i dont know we will see what happends and lets take this day by day....i try to be consistant with them all the time there are times for example tonight my kids bedtime is 8:00 and i put them to bed and here it is almost 11:00 and they are still up i just get so frustrated that i have to walk away and calm down before i can talk to them other wise i will yell and i hate it when i yell at my kids...i will try again and again to control my frustration thank you so much for your help!!! i really appreciate it more than you know..

Hilary - posted on 12/30/2009

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Take a deep breath. Regardless of you and he getting back together, you have to find structure in YOUR household. With or without him. Start with very simple and clear rules and consequences. Not knowing how old your kids are makes that difficult for me to suggest with, but I would be very consistent all the time. No matter what. If you do "this".... "this" is going to happen. Every time. No matter what. It will be hard for a little while longer where that is concerned, but it will be to everyone benefit in the long run. You also need to talk to your ex and see if reconciliation is a reality as well, or if its just a hope in your heart, and be firm in what you do or dont tell your kids. "I dont know" is hard for them to hear where you getting back together is concerned. You might instead try, "Only god knows what the future holds, but we will do the very best no matter what and we both love you unconditionally". Its reassuring, but an "i dont know" at the same time.

Just a thought. Hope it helps and good luck!!!

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