How do you get over feelings for your ex-husband?

Sheryl - posted on 08/29/2009 ( 90 moms have responded )

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My soon to be ex-husband told me this week that he loves another woman & that he regrets the one-time he slept with this woman. I still have very deep residual feelings for him. We were high school sweethearts & have been together for over 17 years. How can I get over him?

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Chasity - posted on 09/05/2009

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The best way is to not talk to them or see them more than you have to. I find if I only talk to my ex about my chils with him or only see him to pick up or drop off the child then I do better. When I called everyday or would answer when he was lonely and called needing someone to talk to then I would start really missing him and be sad and depressed. So that's what helped me. Hope it helps. I still get messed up 3 years later if I try to be his friend and talk like friends on the phone or if I see him. So the less contact the better but really it just takes time to heal something like that. 17 years is a long time. When I met my new husband and fell in love though it helped. Cause when you are all wrapped up in love then you don't dwell on the past and the what ifs and what could have beens. I used to sit a dwell on what I could have done different but that just brought me down. You can't make someone want and love you no matter how bad you might want to. Thats what I had to make myself realize. That there was nothing I could do to change it and I looked for the positive things about him not being with me instead of dwelling on what I missed about him.

Jodi - posted on 08/06/2012

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I found out that my husband of 20 years had been cheating for 6 years with the same woman. I still love him and realize that I always will. However, I also realize that I do not know him and the person I was "in love" with does not exist. He has been out of the house for 18 months and I generally see him 2 to 4 days a week he comes over to see our 2 kids and to help out around the house. It is very hard to keep the emotional distance but I work on it every time he is around it is exhausting. Once the house is sold I do not believe he will be around as much since both of our kids will be out of high school. He has attempted to convince me to continue a physical relationship stating that was never our problem. To this day I have no idea what our problems were. I do know that I am going to do more than survive I will thrive it is a difficult road to be on but God us helped me through it all. I will end by saying loving someone is a choice and I do not believe you can turn that off just because someone else decides that they can, I also believe that I will always love my ex but that does not mean I have to be obsessed by him. This is what will take time and distance to get past. It means putting him in the area of concern and removing him from the area of responsibility. I will always love my ex that doesn't mean I like him or have to accept his mistreatment of me in the past. As a previous writer said being friendly is different than being friends and no matter what when you have kids it is far more important to keep things more than civil since I believe civility = hostility and that does not help your kids to adjust instead it puts them in the middle. Time, faith and a good support system will help all parties to move on. If you do not have kids you might want to totally stop all communication find your passion and pursue it. Good luck, God bless you and keep to your core beliefs

Karen - posted on 09/06/2009

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I have two kids with my ex and we have been over for 3 years. Mine did not cheat while were together, but has put me through so much and proven to me that marriage means so little to him, that it has def helped get over him. I have since moved on, live with my bf and have another child. We are in consnat communication and there are tons of times when I think about how I miss the beginning of our marriage. I am with someone I love very much, but still love my ex. I just know that it wasnt meant to be or else it wouldnt have ended regardless of anything coming in to it. Since neither of us cheated, I believe it couldve been worked out. I will never forget how upset I was, felt like my world ended and he was so cold hearted. the first Christmas we werent together I still thought there was a chance of fixing things and he had a gf that I didnt know about. I think the best way to get over it in that snse, is to remember the reasons you're no longer together to begin with. But again, it takes time...3 years later and although I dont want to be with him, I still love the memories and he will always hold a place in my heart (even when he treats me like sh-t)

Loretta - posted on 09/03/2009

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I wish I could tell you but I have been divorced for 11 yrs and I still secretly love him even though he don't feel the same for me, it makes it hard to date again. Thank you for making me reallize I'm not the only one going through this.

Deborah - posted on 08/29/2009

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Well, I have to tell ya that there is no sure fire over night remedy to that. You just have to take it one day at a time and make sure that you have a good support system of family and friends that you can call at any time whenever you need them. I was in a relationship of 4 years and was devistated when he left. It was for some very personal reasons, that he fully blames me for to this day. I was so heartbroken that I cried for a few days. But it has been 5 years now and I still love him, but have come to the realization that it just wasn't meant to be. I still wonder how he is doing and wish him the best of luck in everything that he does. I guess the best thing that you can do is . sit down and write a list of what you are looking for in a guy and be completely honest with yourself, and don't think about him but what you want. The next step is to write out a pro's and con's list for him and compare the two to find out if he is what you truly want. You would be surprised at some of the differences you will find. I hope that this helps you out, just remember, one day at a time, baby steps and before you know it it won't hurt nearly as bad as it does now.

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Misheru - posted on 03/31/2014

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all i wanted is to erase him at my life but then im thinking twice for my daughter all i wanted is total peace could you help me what to do because both paties are making things that would help hurt each other just to feel the revenge that the hurt and pain just been felt thanks

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Jerry - posted on 12/16/2013

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hello to the world at large, I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this, so i was married to mark' at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good but he did not change so i was in pain every day, don`t no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on, i tried to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids. i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called Dr Okole, he is a man of spiritual knowledge, he can do it with in three days then i look and said okay. i will try my best to contact him, four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best, i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man called Dr Okole, i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have Dr Okole contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spiritual knowledge, and he did it for me so quickly, so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don`t want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family. so email him via drokolesolutiontemple@gmail.com

Jerry - posted on 11/27/2013

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hello to the world at large, I want to share my testimony to you all which i believe you can still try your best to give a testimony like this, so i was married to mark' at first will both love each other but short time he started a new behavior which i cannot even explain to any one then i keep it to my self hopping one day he will change for good but he did not change so i was in pain every day, don`t no what to do on till one day when a friend of mine visited me in my office she met me crying then she was asking me what is going on, i tried to be cam but i could not then i open up to her telling me there is a way out which i will do before he left me with my kids. i look up and not knowing what to do then i ask her to tell me. shortly she open up to me and say there is a man called Dr Okole, he is a man of spiritual knowledge, he can do it with in three days then i look and said okay. i will try my best to contact him, four days later, my husband did not come home i called his phone switch off then i try my possible best, i did not hear from him so i began to look for one way for a help so i remember my friend told me about one man called Dr Okole, i quickly run to my friend asking her if she still have Dr Okole contact then she gave it to me that was how i contacted this great man of spiritual knowledge, and he did it for me so quickly, so now i can now control my husband in any thing even i can tell him that i don`t want him outside today he will not. Now i have a happy family. so email him via drokolesolutiontemple@gmail.com

Star - posted on 12/26/2012

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he not in love with another women its got to take years to do that saying that is saying he wants to throw away his life with you and your kids he will never be over you so I'm sorry but there's no way to be over him even if he's your first love

Lacie - posted on 10/21/2012

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Ughhh so screwed up! My ex and I have sex every once in a while and he leads me on but when family is around he pushes me away. Had a huge 40 bday this weekend and didnt invvite me! I am so aggrevated and feel used! Even our 5yr old laughed about how i wasnt invited....iidk what to do anymore. I want to work on it butt he dont! Why?!

Robin - posted on 08/29/2012

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OKAY ... well, maybe I can get help here. I have been married (had been) to a man for close to 20 years. 2 kids at 11 and 13 .... long story short he went to Ohio st stay in a VA rehab. He wanted to get control of his demons before they tore us up... and we had nothing but great plans for his return. We talked every day. Until one day, his tone changed. All of a sudden it was almost impossible to get ahold of him and he just plain talked to me in a different way. I suspected cheating, but he swore that was one thing he would never do. One day, I called him, just happened to be on the day he was moving in with his NEW love... he basically said one thing to me "Move on... I have...." and hung up on me. He broke my heart so badly I'm still in shock over five years after...I thought we really loved each other.



Needless to say, now our lives are hell. There is a lot more to this story, but it's just more or "worse"... he has hurt me so badly I don't think I can ever recover and he's being so cold to me. He WAS NOT this man before. What has happened that I missed? How can someone so completely change??? I still love him. I think of no one else. I can't get over him... Tried to go out with others... DISASTER... Very depressed....

[deleted account]

My husband was cheating and I found out that he started living with this woman not too long after we split. Now things aren't working out between the two (no surprise there) and he's started calling and texting again. Wants to just talk about what happened. I still have feelings for him although I DO know I don't want to be with him. We were together for 14 years and have two children together. It is hard when you are feeling lonely or are going through some tough times with the children to not talk to the one person that is supposed to care as much as you do, but I agree with some of the earlier posts about keeping communication to a minimum. I have to remind myself that being "friendly" and communicating for the kids is NOT the same thing as being "friends". I want to keep our relationship "friendly".

Tangi - posted on 09/01/2009

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It will take some time to get over but, there is nothing wrong with loving someone. The thing is, it has to be mutual. In your case, it's not. He may love you but, not enough to respect your feelings for him. It sounds like he's confused and isn't sure what he wants. Don' t wait around for him to figure out his next move. You have your life to live as well, so live it! Prayer always helps! For me, when I saw my ex husband had moved on with his life, it was my turn too. It only matters being #1, not 2nd best. Time heals! Good luck!!

[deleted account]

I had caught my husband in the summer of '99 pouring his heart out to another woman on the phone .... how miserable he was, how much he loves her, wishes he had married her and had her children. That was my wake-up call.........one of many to take place within the next 7 years before we eventually divorced. I was 25 yrs. old at that time and had just gotten pregnant with our 2nd child. The love and trust over the years deteriorated on it's own until I felt absolutely nothing and I mean nothing. I was in a very unhealthy marriage. I have remarried and never have been happier in a relationship. Life does get better and it always works out. Every woman deserves so much more. Getting over someone is a process that will not happen over night. First comes the crying and why me?, then the hatred and letting it all out, then the months and years of feeling absolutely nothing where you know you have let go. Finally comes the looking back and laughing stage "of oh I can't believe how blind I was!" Life has so much more to offer. Change can sometimes work out for the best.

Jen - posted on 08/29/2009

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Unfortunately, I was put into this same situation 3 years ago. For me, the trust was broken and we have been divorced...I love him, I will always love him but unfortunately his actions have changed the dynamics forever. It broke my heart to have to tell him no, during the bouncing phase, but at that time, they are so caught up in the emotions, that most of what he is doing/saying is out of fear. Fear of change, fear of himself, etc.

I can tell you that with time it gets better. For me, I know that I did not give up who I am in order to compensate for his actions, nor did I do anything through the process that justified his actions. We were married when I was nineteen and I knew nothing else. But, unfortunately his actions were done and not something that could ever be undone...the relationship would never be the same, and I personally was not able to sell my own self for him...love him, but love me and my kids more.

It is hard, the hardest thing I have ever had to do actually, but stay true to yourself and you will know what is right for you.

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