Moneisha - posted on 07/16/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )
Moneisha - posted on 07/16/2009 ( 8 moms have responded )
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Kristy - posted on 07/20/2009
whish I kenw for real, would help alot of people to explian and understand that one. we have the opposite issue here, a fair weather mom.
Amity - posted on 07/20/2009
First off, I've known of women that do the same thing.
In my situation it came down to his health (mental/emotional). He wasn't all that involved while we were together. It was always an up and down rollercoaster of extremes. The children (we have 4 together and were married for 9 years) are actually better off now. It was hard when he first started giving up his time with them. He claimed it was to "give me more time with them". It was failry ironic at the time since he was giving up about 75% of his visitation but in my mind they were better off. When they did see him they came home really upset and confused.
We came up with an agreement a couple years ago to allow me and the kiddos to move with my new husband (who is awesome btw and makes me so grateful for the unexpected blessings life can bring our way amidst the pain). He was mostly interested in not paying child support. Life is just easier for him this way. I didn't expect him to completely shut them out (though everyone else new it would happen) but he hasn't talked to them in over a year & a half now be it via phone or a simple card. He's refused to take any visitation with them and hasn't paid child support in almost 2 years now. The Attorney General finally got a half month out of him before he switched jobs twice and then States.
I use to encourage him to be more in their lives and be healthier but it seems like he's determined to live in his downward spiral. I've given up any expectations and have come to realize that really, we are much better for it. It still troubles the kids but they've come to think of my husband as their father. It breaks my heart (and then mends it as well) when I hear them tell him that they love him and that's he's the best dad they have. T Hey know how much they are loved and cared for now and that is a true blessing.
I'm pretty sure over the next couple of years we'll end up making it official and have adoption papers drawn up. The children want their name changed and it sounds like my ex would rather have his rights gone. Seems the responsibility of fatherhood (and motherhood) is simply a nuisance to some. But you know, it's all good in the end.
Moneisha - posted on 07/19/2009
I would like to say thank you for answering my question, it seems that it helps when you get a little advice from someone who has gone through the change and drama. We still have not settled our divorced yet, but he is a wonderful father i can't complain and i am trying to include him in the childrens lives, but he never shows. Right now i don't have time to pacify him, because i go too school, work, and a full time mom to six. So i do what i have to do for my family.
Allanya - posted on 07/19/2009
Wow, that's a tough one...there can be LOADS of reasons, and I believe it would never be just one. Sometimes I think the way parents behave toward their children is actually how they want to be toward their ex-partner, and the children just end up victims by default. If he struggled as a parent when you were together that would not change when you are apart. Did he have good role models (esp from men) in his life? I know my ex struggled as he lacked good role models and sometimes if you've not been shown how to be a good husband/father/man it doesn't come naturally. He could just be down-right nasty and want you to hurt...and making your children hurt can be the way to get at you, but his stupidity will do irreparable damage to your children's emotional wellbeing. It could even be that he just doesn't realise the damage he is doing, or he feels guilty for not being a good husband or parent in the past and doesn't want to front up to it...in reality noone knows but him!
I don't understand it for a second, and am very fortunate to have an ex-husband who is still very much a part of his sons lives. Its not an easy situation for any of us, but at least he and I agree that the boys need both their Mum and Dad so we have to put our own stuff aside. It took a huge amount of effort on my part though...my instinct was to run and not let him anywhere near them (not because he isn't a good parent, but because I was so hurt and didn't want the complications) and I think he felt the same about me, but wanted his boys.
We have had an ongoing battle of trying to tolerate one another for the benefit of our sons, and I have only got through it with the support of my family. My parents made a very conscious effort to still treat him with respect and as they would have when he was their son-in-law, but they also tell him when they are unimpressed with the way he treats me or our sons. Its important for the non-custodial parent to know they can be around their children without being attacked or judged not only by us but by the significant people in our lives like family.
Moneisha, the one thing I would like you to think about though is how can you improve the situation, is their anything you can do? In the end you cannot change who he is...only he can do that, you can only change yourself. If it is completely out of your control then you must not feel guilt about it, and by all means your grief is justified. And please don't misunderstand me, I am not implying this is your fault as I don't know your situation. If you CAN change this situation ie. you have contact details for him and your children wish to see him, then don't give up on encouraging him to be involved. If there's something happening that the kids want him to attend eg. school or family functions the best you can do is give him the details...the rest is up to him and it becomes his responsibilty. Perhaps it may even work for you to write him a letter, outline what you would like to see happen between him and your children and how you see the current situation affecting them. And ask him to explain why he behaves the way he does, and what he might like also.
I have a new partner now (after almost 3yrs separation from my ex) and I always inform my ex of things such as parent/teacher interviews, special assemblies at school or functions then he can choose to attend for the sake of his boys. He usually doesn't as my partner attends and he doesn't want to accept I have moved on, but that is his choice to make and its disappointing for his sons. I won't change my situation to suit him, but I will include him if he chooses to be included.
I hope the best for you and your children, and that he wakes up and realises he will never regain the moments he loses!
Evelyn - posted on 07/19/2009
Hello Moneisha! Actually, it is not only men who do this, there are lots of moms that do the same and sadly I have known many, but, I break friendships off for I do not respect them for doing this. Sometimes, we want a package deal, you and the child. When they do not get that, then they go on their way. I use we due to fact this truly is on both sexes. The hard part as all others will I am sure agree are the children suffer immensely and go through phases in their lives like blaming themselves, looking for that "replacement" as they get older, acting out to get the attention elsewhere and not in good ways. Many suffer depression, anxiety, bad relationship choices, cause problems with you and another spouse. They blame you at different times in their lives. They are petulant, angry and so much more...This is experience talking, please and we have all done this, do not speak about the other one in bad ways. It really does do a lot of harm. Make sure to keep all the other parents info. ss#, date of birth, family members names, phone numbers and addresses, health information, pictures and all other things you collected prior and after child's birth. The one thing we all definitely need to do, go to court for child support, insurance benefits, and other demands you think are fair. Make sure to keep current on these issues. Take all the information I said to gather and make an album for your child so they have all they need as they grow up., if they ask you why the absent parent is not around...the truth, I do not know and I am sorry I do not have your answer, but one day when you are an adult you may seek this person out and ask them, remind them, they may get lame excuses or lies. Many times the custodial parent parades many members of opposite sex in child's life. I recommend unless you marry this person or live with them, do not involve your child. Many times the child gets attached to someone you may only be dating and not involved in a real relationship with and when it ends, the child suffers abandonment all over and this does more harm. Counseling is another area I recommend for yourself and child to try and deal with this issue as they grow. Make sure to have friends, family members on both sides and play dates with others as support for you and your child. The absent parents family needs to have and choose the opportunity to be in your child's life. Just because one parent leaves, does not mean his family will. This is another area important to remember. Please be sure his family and all friends understand not to voice negative things about missing parent in front of child or within ear shot. And another part of visits will be make sure you all are on the same page when answering the questions the child may pose to any about why mom/dad are not in their lives. The answers need to be the same everywhere. Good luck to you!
Marisa - posted on 07/18/2009
This is a situation Im in now with my XH. He was calling nearly daily until he moved in with his current GF and her son. Now our son doesn't get a call nor a visit unless its a family function/holiday. Our son's birthday is 9days away, so he's due for a call or visit. Its sad over the course of the last 3yrs Ive done everything to ensure they maintain a relationship. Over the last year he's been with the GF, he's went from parenting 3/4 of the time to parenting none of the time. My son no longer asks for his father which is sad however we can not make anyone be a parent, mother or father, we must stand as the parent and be what our child needs. I wish you enough...
MARIA - posted on 07/17/2009
I wish I knew not so much about the wife part but how they just ignore their children. In my case during a 13 year period my childs father has only called maybe 5 times tops and 3 calls were all within days of eachother. I know this sounds selfish but I'm happy he doesn't call because he's not the type of person I want my child to be around. So that works for me. On the other hand even though I have long talks with my child about the way she feels I don't think I'll ever really know the truth in her heart. As a child of divorced parents with basically the same situation for me it was not bad but sometimes it hurt. I only pray that my daughter will be stronger than me so it will never hurt.So I don't know how or why but it is what it is and they are who they are. As mom's all we can do is chat every now and then with our kids to let them know that we care and will always be there for them.
Rebecca - posted on 07/16/2009
I am not sure but it does give men that want to be involved and that are not being allowed to by the momma of the baby a really bad name. But I have heard that women cannot do it because we automattically have a bond with our children (or should) and the men do not...that may be it...