How to deal with Ex-best friend marrying my ex-husband..

Heidi - posted on 03/07/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Ladies...
I need to some honest to goodness advice... as you can see from above subject.. Iam dealing with a very sensitive issue... this past October my friend and ex husband starting seeing each other and now low and behold.. they have a wedding date set for this June... Im hurt, shocked, angry... more at her than anything.. I am not surprised anymore about the random things he does...
It wasn't a healthy relationship with my ex. their were issues of abusive over the ten years we were together... my friend and I had been friends for six out the ten.. she knows of everything that has happened to me and to my children and has also been a witness to some events in the past. She is a well educated person and is not stupid or ignorant..
I can be civil to my ex.. and hopefully soon be able to have a somewhat cordial co-parenting relationship... I serioulsy can't stand the fact that they are together.. I can barley be civil.. I am feeling every emotion there can be felt.. angry, bitterness, jealsousy, sadness that i lost my friend.. and hatred for her. I now have doubts about them cheating when we were married... I can't seem to let this go... and I know I need to... but I just want to kick her ass!!!! and no I haven't yet or even threatned to.. the worst I have done was told my ex she was a fat ass bitch and she was looking for any man she could get... and she picked him... how do I deal with this... I need to find a way.. for my kids sake... and how do I explain this to my kids.. they are in shock just like me.. they know we were friends.
And I guess Im jealous over the fact that he is changing for her.. doing all the things I wanted him to do for me and our children... and now he is doing for her and her children... WTF!!!
Ladies, can you feel the bitterness???? LOL!!! I need some advice, even if its just to tell me to stop whining and move on... I'll take what I can get at this point...
Thanks...
Heidi

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Leisa - posted on 10/13/2012

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can't believe what they have put you ladies through, although take pleasure in remembering what comes around goes around. At the moment they are over pretending to be 'happier than they have ever been,' and only to piss you off. They will have to suffer their toxic relationship in silence when their revenge on you gets boring. You ladies have been screwed over by your husbands and frienemies. The best revenge for you is it to treat them as babysitters whilst you get to have fun and relax, and to look as hot as possible. You are free, do things, look great, even when you feel like crap pretend you don't. Be fun, be happy, say things like 'I'm so glad I can trust you two with the children so I can go out and relax'. They will want to know what is going on with your life or who you might be seeing and believe me your x friend's will want to know if you've got something else she wants. It's the toxic jealous friend and the idiot man. Did your relationship change when these friends became a part of your lives? These toxic women do not really want these men but your life, well have it have him. He is doing things for her that he didn't do for you because she has said something like 'she always complained you didn't do this or that' and him trying to prove everyone wrong starts doing these things. Cut out everyone in your life who are two faced, make you feel like rubbish or tells you things about them. People who are still friends with both of you - cut them out, if they were nice people they wouldn't still be friends with your x husband and x friend. Nice people have nothing to do with people like them, please look great, be great and just when you accept things and move on they will be divorcing each other, and every arguement will be something like this, 'I can't believe I left my wife for you, some friend you are.' And she'll be all ' Your treating me bad like you did your x, she was right about you.' And you will be all 'can't wait for my honeymoon'. Believe me they argue a lot and whilst you perhaps think about them together, she'll will be thinking about you and him together and what you did in bed, things you did, places you went. Go somewhere you went with him and let it slip you went there again, 'oh, yes I remember, its nice there' and she will NOT like him having any good memories with you, or if you became 'friends for the children's sake.' with your x husbands, be friendly, smile and laugh, the bitch will hate that, she wont say anything to you, but will make his life a misery. Toxic friends and idiot men, may they all eat and live in the crap they make. Thank goodness you don't have them in your lives any more.,

Heather - posted on 09/25/2012

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Hi Heidi, You bought me to tears with your letter. My husband also left me last Sept 2011 and now lives with my ex-friend.

You have done really well to keep you're dignity! Well Done!

My story is similar.

We had an intense friendship over 2-3 yrs & in that time our families became very close. My 15 yr marriage had been very rocky,towards the end, partly due to my depression(another story)

I even told him I thought I didn't love him anymore.

But last summer we all went camping our 2 families plus another. I asked him to make the effort & come along for me & our boys.

Well he totally changed the minute we got there. It's like I was invisable & when I tried to talk to him, he wouldn't listen.

At the end of the weekend it was clear who he enjoyed his time with ( and I realised i was jealous, but it was too late)

I told my ex-friend that I couldnt see her for awhile. (31st July 2011) that was the last time i spoke to her.

In that time my other friends came forward told me they didnt like her & that she was up to no good. So I tried to cling on to my husband for a month longer.....until I came across his mobile phone bill.

There it was in black & white months, weeks, days, hrs, minutes & seconds of calls (& photo mesg's ''puke'') to her 100's of them.

The hardest thing was kicking him out but I knew he could never talk his way out of this one & I'd never trust him again.

My children were devastated, I asked him to have time on his own so I could have time to think. Within weeks of him leaving he took my boys out with her bowling, to her new house warming party (as she consequently left her husband 1 week after he left me)

They paraded around together, he told the children they were friends but even shared the bedroom together, my kids are 7 & 12 yrs and not stupid.

I felt physically sick & I still do.

I feel bitterness, regret, angry, blame, upset, still jealous, hurt, let down, etc etc and it's a year later. ( I know just how you feel! )

I have just (god knows how) come out of a 7 month long distance relationship, which unfortunately didn't work out, mainly it was going too fast for me. But I have learned that I can love again, but that I'm still not over my marriage break-up.

So I have decided I need to find happiness with myself first, I was very vunerable in my last relationship, I only wanted to go on a date, but at our age I suppose you don't mess around, if you think you've found the one. Which for me he wasn't.

All the best Samantha x

Melisa - posted on 03/08/2010

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I know exactly what you are going through. My ex-husband left me for a mutual friend that we had known for quite some time. She worked where he use to work and we all became friends. She worked in michigan to learn the job and we all transferred to ohio when the plant was opened. This was to "better" us. When I found out she was what he was leaving for I totally lost it. I took everything I possibly could in the divorce. The best thing was the kids. She had 4 of her own so our children were in the back seat. As of today it has been 3.5 years since he has seen MY children and has never seen my grandson except for the pictures i send him by cell. I hated her for this but knowing it takes two I hated him even more. Time has past and he and her now live in phoenix and he likes doing all the stuff that he didn't want to do with me. Apparently he needed a mother figure to tell him what to do and when to do it. I am happy for them. Misery loves company as I say. My son found out from a friend at school that they plan on getting married and He still is not man enough to call MY son and tell him. Maybe mom won't let him call long distance. Not sure. I do know one thing. At first I had a restraining order on her and would not let my kids near her. I got to thinking though that at one time she was a friend and I did trust her with my kids and I divorced their father and that they didn't divorce him. I know you have bitterness but let me tell you from experience KINDNESS KILLS!!! I was so nice to them it made her mad to the point she refused to go to MY sons sports activities. Then to no visiting at all. I tell and have told my kids all along : Your dad has choices, and at the moment he is making the bad choices. One day he will realize he really messed up and lose out on something special. YOU" You say she was a best friend. You have to ask your self if something happened to you, who would be better than a best friend to take care of your kids. You just need to make it clear she is NOT THE MOM. I have done some growing up and lord knows I have made my share of mistakes lately but I do know one thing I ALWAYS put my kids first. So would this be beneficial for your kids to learn to have anger, bitterness. They have already learned cheating in a marriage causes divorce. You need to be the bigger person and even if you have to grit your teeth and scrape all the enamel off. This is for the kids. I often tell my kids " GOD DON'T LIKE UGLY" meaning be civil and don't show them how to be ugly. Get your ex where it hurts in the divorce. I took everything house, cars, kids and even our friends. There are not many if any that will talk to him anymore. Let him start something with her and he will get just as bored with her except you have his kids. I am not sure if any of this will help but I hope and pray for you. Oh yeah I find it quite funny to send him text during the day when he is at work telling him we still love and miss him. Just to piss him off and I know he tells her I do that and with her insecurities I know they fight about it. Just a slight jab to brighten his day.....lol
Melisa

Michelle - posted on 03/12/2010

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Trust me your ex-friend is educated and not unaware of past situations as you mentioned, but that doesn't stop her from being selfish and thinking about her own needs and actually just being plain dumb. You are entitled to all of your feelings, it is totally normal. As very hard as it is, please try and be civil. Be the bigger person than the both of them. Don't bag either of them in front of your kids, they don't need to hear it and bring them down too. It is hard not to I know, but write it down or ring a friend and let it rip when they aren't in the house. You of course are entitled to your opinion and especially to how you feel about them and what has happened. They now have to live with each other, and deal with each others failings and behaviours. And boo hoo for her that she has to deal with him and his behaviour when he isn't doing or saying the right thing. Better her than you I say. You can't half tell that I have been through a similar situation myself. Find a way to channel that anger and frustration. Get a punching bag, try a new sport, go for long walks, find a hobby that needs a certain amount of concentration (so you can think about something more positive). I can so totally understand that you would just love to punch her lights out, but it won't solve anything and it actually won't make you feel better. And your kids don't need to be shown that using aggression is an appropriate way of dealing with upsetting situations. It is distressing, seeing someone else with someone you had kids with and you used to love. But trust me it isn't going to get easier over night, which of course you know that. But with each week passing it does feel a little better than it did the week before. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin as a single person takes time. You can keep yourself in a rut, and feel like it is impossible to move on or get over it. Blogging or writing in a diary helps a lot. At least it gets all your feelings out, instead of being bottled up inside of you. You can get help to move on from family and friends, but ultimately it is you yourself that needs to get your head and your heart passed it. If you feel you need it, get some professional counselling. This helped me greatly. You don't have to totally forget or forgive if you can't, but you realistically know in your head that you have to move on. And move on to bigger and better things and people you shall! You can make some lovely friends if you open your heart again. I know trusting people can be hard after something like this happening. Also remembering to give your kids heaps of support, as of course it is a very confusing and upsetting time for them too. Have fun and be happy with your kids. Happiness is the best revenge I reckon.

Angel - posted on 03/11/2010

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Well Heidi, you are very entitled to your feelings! I wouldn't want to be in your shoes for 1 day. No matter how hurt and angry you are just remember you have to be the bigger person and be peaceful for the kids. Keep showing your kids all the love, joy and great communication you can. Gather kindhearted support from any friends, family and church group you can. After time passes, you will see that your life is much better without the two of "them" in it!!!! Your kids will be much closer with you than you could ever imagine!! Be strong!! You can do this! Trust me!! I'll be praying for you!!! Take care and keep the faith! Angel

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15 Comments

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Sky - posted on 01/17/2014

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Let it go. That is all you can do.
You can't change him or her, and continuing hatred will only lead to problems in your own life.

Jan - posted on 10/30/2013

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my husband has been haveing an affair with my best freind he reckons for twelve weeks
he left me 3 weeks ago on my birthday to go and live with her and her two children
she threw her husband out on the tues moved mine in the next day
he has not worked in 3 years and ive payed for everything
it seems also there hotel stay
i have two children one 16 and 0ne 11
both in full time education
my 11 year old was best freinds with her daughter and now does not want to be
as he feels shes stolen his daddy
they acted normal around me and i didnt suspect a thing
like you i am hurt beyond beliefe
and want kick ass becos she asked him out
they live up the road her husband paying her morgade
he want me to sell up cos he wants his half so him and her can go buy
i will have to rent and am not keen on selling
do i have to
im whineing just the same becos it hurts so bad cant see how to get over this

Sheryll - posted on 07/04/2013

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I don't think it's whining I think this is normal to feel these feelings.
If this makes you feel any better think about this.
She now has him. She has the meanness, the lying, and no trust, she will probably have to worry about her friends, and affairs, or both of them will.
Believe me their life isn't going to be rosy. And yes it does hurt and betray on both ends of people you cared about.
If you want to get even? Have the best, happiest life you can have! Don't let either of these pigs ever see you sweat. Whether you believe it or not you have been saved from a miserable life! Two miserable horrible people have now found each other and it is poetic justice, they deserve it. Life is funny like that.
I want you to be the best mom, friend, person ever! I want you to have it all and then some. You cleaned your life of two toxic people and your life and your children are on your way to having good things. Later after the hurt and pain goes away I want you to smile because think how much worse it would have been to be stuck with him,

Kim - posted on 05/19/2013

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I am dealing with a similar situation. My ex-husband of 5 years has started dating my friend. To make things more complicated is that my daughter (5years old) is BFF with her daughter.

In my divorce agreement we agreed to not introduce our daughter to anyone we are dating till 6 months. He feels like being as though everyone is friends it is ok to be openly dating her around the kids. They been together 3 weeks. I disagree with every fiber of my being. Not only do I feel their relationship will fail, but I'm afraid that the girl's friendship will suffer as well.

What to do? I'm pissed I lost my friend, but I'm even more pissed that is involving our daughter in his relationship before he knows if it has the potential to be long term.

Anne - posted on 11/04/2012

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My husband left me for my ex friend who was aslo my ex sister in law. Turn out, they've been having an affair. In less than 6 mnths, they got married and now expecting a baby. Our kids and hers are cousins but now they are also step siblings and soon will have a baby bro/sis. What a twisted family. I totally understand the bitterness you feel.

Sarah - posted on 03/12/2010

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you have every right to be bitter about this. i probably WOULD have beat her ass. :) if your ex friend is helping him to change, its a good thing right? if this is someone you think is good with or around your kids, be greatful she's there to at least make sure the kids get taken care of.

Anne - posted on 03/09/2010

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I think you are halfway there...you got it down on "paper" so to speak. Getting it out and talking about it will help a bunch. Then make a plan, write that down too. Put a card in your purse if you need to with a shortened version on it to refer to when you want to kick some ass. Time is going to pass and the pain will lessen. Frankly you feel cheated and that makes you mad. So, try and turn that cheated feeling into relief. It wasn't working for you and him. That is a burden lifted right there, no more scenes. So again, write down the negatives and the positives of this situation (being very honest). It might have happened to free you up for something a whole lot better down the road!!! Good luck

[deleted account]

Ok. I would probably not advise the text-sending as it may get you in trouble with the law. It can be seen as stalking. It doesn't have to be a negative message, just unwanted. It's also not very dignified and if nothing else you want to hang onto that. Same goes with the 'getting everything in the divorce' apart from this teaching your kids about bitterness, jealousy, resentment and all those other negative things- it's teaching them that if someone p*sses you off you can act however you like. Personally I think that at some point in their lives, ALL kids- including ones whose parents are still together- learn that life is not fair and things will happen that we dont want or like; the best lesson we can teach them is how to handle disappointment constructively. I say this from experience b/c the 'bitter' perosn in our situation has already passed this attitude on to 2 of the children, who are both learning the 'skills' of manipulation and revenge. I think that's sad for them b/c it's going to mess up their lives.

[deleted account]

Wow. That is a difficult one. I think there are a few issues 1. that she WAS yr friend- you cant change her behaviour, if she chooses to do this there is nothing you can do but let her go and move on friendship-wise. If you CAN be civil for your kids sake that would be best, if you feel you cant maybe you should see a counsellor, b/c yr kids are more important than anyone else in this equation.

2. You say you feel jealous that he is making changes for her that he didnt for you- are you over him? And would you still feel this bad if it was a woman that you didnt know that he was marrying? Would you still have doubts about him cheating when he was with you? I think if you can honestly answer these questions of yourself then you have your answer.

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