How to explain a dad who is in & out of my kids life

Valerie - posted on 04/15/2010

You need to set boundaries with your son so that the teasing stops...and you need to ask your daughter "what is the most upsetting thing or the hardest thing?" and then just listen...don't try to fix it...when she is done sharing ask her "what would be helpful" if she comes up with something reasonable that you can do, then do it to support her...if she says something that is not possible say, "that isn't possible so what else would be helpful" and repeat that until she comes up with something that is possible that she thinks would be helpful. If she asks questions answer them as honestly as you can and as simply as you can...be positive and supportive and tell her you don't know if you don't know the answer. some things she will have to find out from her dad if and when he is willing. let her know she might need to ask her father for some of the answers. acknowledge her feelings and don't try to change them...respect that this is her process...hugs, being held, maybe a picture, a phone call...but let her come up with ideas first...wherever you can acknowledge your ex for things he does right to help his self-esteem grow and his defensiveness to lessen. i would acknowledge things you see that aren't about the kids so he doesn't see that as manipulative...things like thank you for your understanding of.... or i really see your determination to...supportive and encouraging words to help him to grow... all the best

Christina - posted on 04/15/2010

You have your hands full! I commend you for caring so much that you are reaching out. I went through many years of hell with my three daughter when their dad was inconsistent as well.

What I DO know, from my experiences with many children and my background, is that from 10-13 for both boys and girls, a father figure is crucial! This is the time when both sexes are formulating their own identity as a partner someday. For girls, the ideal is for them to learn unconditional and respectful love from their fathers or male role models, so they can attract someone like this as a partner someday. Girls are learning how to have clear boundaries and how to be loved appropriately. Boys on the other hand, are learning how to be a loving and respectful partner from how they see their own male role models treat the women in their lives. CHildren who do not have these needs met will act out. You may right a letter to your ex about this very subject, telling him that how he acts towards these children is who they will attract and treat their partners later on. What does he want for them? Remind him that you KNOW he wants the best for them so how can you be more supportive so he can be more available! By being open to his side of things, he may be more receptive to these ideas. In my book The New Physics of CHildhood, I have a whole chapter on family relationships that deals with this very issue.

Another helpful addition for all of your children would be to include a healthy male role model (not a replacement, just an addition of good role modeling). THe other thing I would add is to bite your tongue about your feelings about Dad. Try not to feed your child'd frustration and instead, question them as to WHY these things happen. If you can teach them to see his side of it, it may help them not take all of this behavior personally! THis is a huge factor as well!!!!! Taking the high road is the most diffucult, yet the most important! I hope this was helpful! Keep me posted.