I don't know what to do...help please!

Rebecca - posted on 06/17/2009

sounds like she is being torn between the families... and she needs to understand that u will always be there and that she needs to understand this is how things are going to be... my kids did the same thing to me i have full custoday due to a neglectful ex who walked out and didnt want kids to beging with but had fun makeing 3 of them... they are teens as well between 15yrs old and 14 yrsold and 12 yrs old. it was and ungoing struggle with my 14 and 12 yr old children they where being tlkedinto moving to there dads cause they didnt like the rules i had set here at the house and i said this isnt going to work u arent going to live with him he has no room for u and he cant afford u as it is and if u do this is what is going to happend to me and so be it and that is that... made them both think for a bit on that .... but it sounds as if she is being pushed into something or she is just having issues about the change... i would suggest talking to her one on one and have her tell u her feelings or no. 2 suggestion is have her go to counsling i know he has custody of her but u need to get her some kind of help some where dont ever stop fighting for ur children ever! that is like throwing them away ... they are preciouse and didnt ask to have this happen and im sure u didnt either we never do... just be there for her and give her space and time to think... dont push anything on her... she will come out of this soon .

Lisa - posted on 06/15/2009

I agree with Crystal Holly and Gwen it is hard I just recently have started visits with their dad 3 kids see him 2 don't and it makes it really hard . As a parent we do not want to see our kids hurting we want the best for them but sometimes it doesn't matter because we cannot give them everything. Just try talking maybe there is something bothering her and she needs just you. I hope this helps I am no expert I am still wadding through this whole situation myself. Just keep your chin up and let her know you love her no matter what. Keep us posted I will keep my fingers crossed that things change for the better.

Holly - posted on 06/14/2009

I agree with Crystal and Gwen. Going back and forth between homes is always hard on a kid. And at the ages of 9 to 14 they are really trying to find themselves. I think sitting down with her, and talking to her, not only lets her know you care, but that you understand what she is going thru. Make her a deal that she can call you anytime she wants, and is welcome anytime. Try it, see how it goes. Sometimes, as parents we are very selfish, and even though we think we are doing something with the best of intentions....it really isn't.

Good luck!

Gwen - posted on 06/09/2009

Ok... WHY is she acting so miserable? Obviously you care about her or you wouldn't be here asking for help, so maybe it's time to have a sit-down with her and talk about why she isn't "as happy" with you as at dad's. It's entirely possible that dad is filling her head with crap (called PAS- parental alienation syndrome- and if you google it I'm sure you will find tons of info). Other than that, maybe she has a reason? If you get her to talk to you about it, maybe she'll come up with some ways that will make her feel more welcome- if she's bored, find out what she'd like to do with you, if she's missing her privacy, or does/doesn't want to be the 'responsible older sister' the whole time, or just misses her favorite 'things' at home, that's all stuff you can fix!

I wouldn't take the cell, personally, because right now it's about the only thing that makes her feel better. maybe put a limit on it, though, so she can use it to call dad at bedtime, but then it goes on the charger in the kitchen until morning.

Maybe she's feeling like she doesn't really know you if she only sees you 2 days every other week- when she isn't with you, write her letters or email her. She may not reply, but she'll love that you are thinking of her.
Do you live close enough to stop over and take her out to dinner during the week? How about visiting her at school- stop in to have lunch with her. maybe be an assistant coach for her softball/ cheerleading/ whatever.

Good luck, and prayers. sounds like you are really trying to do right by her!

Crystel - posted on 06/09/2009

Good Morning Sweetie. I am new to this Circle of Moms and of course I popped in to your post because it said "help." And not to mention that us moms that are divorced and need to stay together.:)

I read your post and then the post above. I feel like this person is trying to give you legal advice when some of it sounds a little fishy to me. She even admitted that her advice will cause trouble. We don't want any kind of trouble for our kiddos. This person that responded has no idea the situation and neither do I, but what I am trying to say is that someone from another country can't just be throwing stuff out there to some who lives in America because their laws are very different from ours.

My point to this is that I am in the same situation that you are in. My ex and I went through a not so nice custody battle and he got full and I got every other weekend and holidays and this and that. My son is 11 and about a year or so ago, he started becoming what it seemed to me a little depressed and I asked him about it and he told me that same thing, "I want to choose when I come over." And we sat down and talked about it and then me and my ex talked about it with out my son there.

So now a year a half later or so, I see my son when he wants to come over. For awhile, I didn't see him for another long time, but there is that maternal instinct that sets in I guess you could say and your daughter will once come back to you. It might take awhile, but you have to let her be her own person for awhile. I know it is very hard and I am trying not to be so mean, but I am telling you this from a perspective from the "after" part of it all. Sometimes I go a few months without seeing him and sometimes I go a few weeks. But the important part is that he is happy and our relationship between me and my son has flourished immensely from what it used to be. He doesn't resent me anyone from making him do something that he doesn't want to do. The relationship with the 2 year old and your daughter will be better when they get older anyways, having 1 older and 1 younger brother and sister only got better with me when I got to a certain age that they could relate to me and what not. Sorry, that was a little side note. I just want to let you know it gets better, it really does. You just have to be willing to be open minded to the wants and needs of your daughter and go through with them. That is what has worked with me and my son. Another better of the part, is that the communication between my ex and I have gotten much better, its not for everyone though.

I hope this helps and I hope that one day you and your daughter can have a happy relationship. :)

It gets better, it really does.

Leigh - posted on 06/09/2009

Hi. First of all, i am sorry. It must feel like a royal slap in the face when you see her so blatently miserable with you around. I'm a social worker (not sure if that helps here) and the first thing that entered my mind was- it sounds like Dad and gf are TRYING subtley to make her feel this way. Why on earth does she have a cell phone? Safety? Probably she was told "we're here for you EVEN WHEN YOU HAVE TO BE THERE". My advice will cause trouble- at first. Ditch the cell. Make "cards" with your daughter giving the address, an email acct (that you have access to- do not give her the password) your landline and ok times her friends can call her at her OTHER home. It is not only an activity you can do together, it tells her this info belongs to HER and her friends have permission to be included when she is at her home with you. Explain to her- in front of her dad and stepmom that she doesn't need a cell when she is with you, they can call her there, or she can call them, but at 10 years old, cells are for safety and she is not unsafe or not allowed to be reached when they pull away and you have a "no cell ohone for kids" policy at your home. Tell her you don't want the other kids to break it, or want one of their own. Go phone shopping together for her room- and let her know she can use the phone whenever it says on the card, or whenever you guys aren't busy (ie- dinnertime) Have her bring a pal for a night, and the other night is family night. It sounds like she is being subtley manipulated to feel like an unwelcome guest at your place- you have to (even though unpopular) let her know that her 2 yo sis can't WAIT til she arrives, and neither can you or stepdad. You need to ask her what she'd like to do with Sissy- and it takes some fancy thinking, but come up with "take Sissy to see a matinee of "UP"while you shop, then meet up for a late lunch together. The age difference can be made into a good thing- your eldest will enjpy the movie, she will enjoy your trust, and she will enjoy a meal out AFTER. Also, set up a tent in the backyard (or livingroom) and let her AND a friend sleep in it (Stepdad'll have to be sleeping under the stars for safety) and set up a movie and campfire that Sissy participates in. Let HER get the special snacks with Sissy, let her make the invite card for the pal....let her take Sissy on the kiddie rides at Marineland, then YOU take her on the bog girl rides....it really seems like she feels excluded and like she is killing the hours til she can get back to her "real life". Make her life with you and your family (which means her) something SHE is excited about. When she cries, tell her you are sorry she is sad, but you and Sissy and stepdad are so happy to see her- and then come up with 3 ideas to go do then (a game, painting each others toenails, the sprinkler) rather than sit and cry, cuz going home isn't an option- she IS home.Volunteer at her school for the fun activities (day trips) and have Sissy send her mail at her fathers home.....maybe Sissy could send her a card (that you made, obviously) with "can we do a. a campfire, b. a manicure or c. a trip to Happy Rolph's? and put a day a month away, that way SHE feels you when you aren't there- and she feels she has input into her time with you, and valuable as the "big girl" to Sissy. Also, PLEASE go to a counsellor- alone for advice on how to percevere when no one likes to feel like the spawn of Satan, and you must when she cries and says she never wants to visit you- AND for tips on how to regain your place in her heart and not give in or give up- even when you have to be unpopular (cell phone) You and her could rent a movie once a month to watch together AFTER Sissy goes to bed, and you, Sissy, Dad and her could spend the afternoon baking cookies together (with a secret "wink wink" -we'll eat these during the mommy/daughter movie later;) so it is not only a family activity, but a "just us" event. You don't say if your daughter didn't see you because of a bad/difficult lifestyle on your part (PURE SPECULATION, no harm intended) but if so, address her fears (she'd have them) in counselling. Find out what Dad has been telling her and why she is upset when she is with you- and if there is a reason, APOLOGIZE!! Pretending all is fine is not the way to go, it is scarier to her than if there was an obvious problem, cuz if you don't say "I know we didn't see each other when I was doing/going thr/not doing....this, but here's why I did (age appropriate....) and here is how you can trust that I am sorry and it won't happen again". Pull out baby pics of her, get doubles for her for when she is at dads. ask for pics of her that Dad took- and put them on the wall. BE AVAILABLE!! This little girl is angry, she is afraid and she may just not like being away from a more permissive environment or her pals every other weekend, but YOU need to remember that we don't let kids sign their own consent forms as they need a PARENT to make the decisions for them (because we can weigh the long term consequences) and this includes not allowing her to make the decision not to see you- let her know that there are hundreds of options to make the visits better, but that NOT VISITING is not one of them. PLEASE, go to counselling immediately. does Dad or you or stepdad have an EAP program? (employee assistance) if so, contact the provider and make your appt, if not, call her school social worker, your local Child protective Service, a church, youth group.....and find out if the cost can be subsidized or where to sign up....even if you have to pay, it'll give you the emotional support and techniques to soldier on (cuz lets face it, you must want to say to heck with it, her crying over being with you rather than Dad HURTS) and make positive changes, and she gets a "safe place" to tell you just why she is so sad.....pls feel free to email me if I can help you, or ask quetions here- I don't have all the answers, and I am a mommy like you who is divorced and have the same sort of issues (I have an 8 year old, 4 year old, three year old with my ex, and a new baby on the way....we've struggled, too) as you, and I care and hate to hear a kid being manipulated....Dad should be ashamed of himself, he is messing with a bond he has no right to deny your daughter, and if you hang in there, one day your daughter will see this OR (even better) the ex will knock it off.

Big hugs and hope something I said helped...and I meant it when I said I'm here to help if I can

Us Mommies gotta stick together!!!