Kids,sports & visitation

Alicia - posted on 04/13/2010 ( 20 moms have responded )

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I have an 11 year old girl who pitches for softball & a 7 year old boy who plays soccer. My daughter has pitching practice on the weekends & my son has soccer games on the weekends. My ex husband refuses to take them to thier sports cause it interferes with his time with them I've even offered to come and get them take them to thier sports 7 than drop them back off but he refuses that too. So I'm having a hard time getting the kids to go over there on his weekends & I finally got fed up with it & refused to let my ex have the kids last weekend cause he refused again to take the kids to thier sports. Am I in the wrong here?? I just hate seeing my son practice all week but not be able to play the games cause of his father & my daughter is sooo into pitching she's talking about going to college on a softball pitching scholorship. I feel like if I don't stand up for my kids on this they will resent me for it.

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Iggyschlepp - posted on 05/21/2012

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No court is going to back her up for breaking the law. They have court ordered visitation therefore she is in contempt off court. I would go so far as to assume that she never got his permission to sign them up for the sport program in the first place since she feels entitled enough to just ignore a court order and deny him access. All of you harping on your ex's for not being in your children' lives need to look back at your actions over the last few years and I bet you have no one to blame but yourself.

Jane - posted on 04/13/2010

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Nope, you're not wrong at all. Visitation doesn't mean that life stops for the kids. He should be ensuring that these kids lives are not disrupted just because of the divorce. I would talk to your lawyer if you have one and get this in the courts hands. The courts will 100% back you and the kids on this...I guarantee it!!!! Your ex is being an ass. He's doing it to hurt you but in the end, it's hurting his kids and that's just bad parenting.

Evelyn - posted on 02/16/2013

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I can see both sides of the coin. But again, if a father or mother has visitation and the games fall on their weekend and they have not been spoken with about this, how can you expect them to take the kids to their games when they only see them for a short amount of time? Why do not people work things out? Its better for the kids.

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Juana - posted on 08/27/2014

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FL laws require parents to promote visitations with the other parent; as adults we should respect the already limited time we have with the kids. As i mentioned before, i am busy and have activities with my kid during our visitation time. I do not interfere with the ex-husband-child time, and do not appreciate he continues trying so. Ask you ex's if they agree with the games, if they do not, leave it alone or tell your kids that they will play just some games - you make them understand each parent has a right to exercise visitation whichever way they want, considering it is for the benefit of the kid. Believe me, by feeding the kids with negative thoughts about the "bad" parent that does not want to take them to the games, you are creating manipulative monsters. And it is not deserved - I got a letter for a motion to appoint a counselor to my kid. It states that I do not allow the dad to pick up the kid ON MY TIME...that is correct, I have other things to do which promote well being of the kid, that he highly enjoys and by the way, he even loves to do (music, fishing, boating...) The letter states the kid has been affected emotionally by not going to games - I asked my son about his feelings and he actually laughed and confessed "no, mom, I am not affected as to see a counselor". He just wanted to go to the games. So, what if he wants a party, or a laptop, or stay up late...? I never agreed with his dad about the games, furthermore, in the past my lawyer sent a reply to his lawyer about this (he wanted to take me to court because i was not taking my son to games (we never agreed on) during my time), stating that I had our own activities - which by the way, are mostly sports with groups, the only detail is that i do not interfer with the ex's time He continues enrolling the kid KNOWING i am not taking him because I have other things - now, if the kid for real gets affected, who's fault would it be...My son is 11 and for no reason he should manipulate, he needs to learn to respect his parents decisions. The fact i do not take him to the games does not justify his manipulation. Juana

Sherry - posted on 08/06/2014

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Actually if the mother has legal custody she has the right to sign her children into extra curricular activities as well as expect the father to pay half the expenses. Almost every sport, club etc. at one point or another will interfere with a visit. The question is what kind of a father would deny their children things they love because they're asked to attend or the children may be late for a visit. I'm in the same situation except I force my girls to go with my ex, they're old enough to know it's not me that's making them miss, they resent him for it and it's interfering with their relationship. Very unhealthy, it's a shady area, but from experience from others going through the same thing, the activity always wins and either loving fathers or men that like to assume they're dads because they donated sperm like it or not either are forced to be apart of their child's life or miss the visit the sport falls on as long as mom's aren't taking advantage and only choosing activities that fall on visits, then shame on you.

Evelyn - posted on 07/11/2014

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Juana--You and the dad need to sit down and work out something about the boy being on the teams and such. I understand totally about your time with your child. I am in similar situation with kids and weekends and holidays. But does your visitation plan allow you to work out something with dad over weekends. I know a lot of them say no visitation is to be made up, but in the past my ex and I have actually switched weekends because it worked out better for all involved. Also, our visitation roster says it plain as day: Its just a guide to use for visitation. It also said that if parents can work it out that we could actually have more visitation set up for the kids and parents to be together more.

Juana - posted on 07/10/2014

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Sometimes it's not that the dad doesn't.want to be bothered, or that he is a butt, in my case, I the mom, am the one that is not taking he boy to.the games his dad signed him for, without even asking, and it's not a power trip, it's respect for our visitation time. I do not take the kid to the games, because I have a life too and we do other things and my kid enjoys it, he is fine with not going to the games, yet the ex threatens me with court. At some point, I did take the kid to games and during a whole season, I did not take the kid to 3 games, we had other things. I got a,letter from a lawyer, it never went to court, it was my time with him. Visitations are about bonding between the kids and parents, who says it's better to take them to games instead of talking about the universe? If I believe that to spend quality time on my visitation involves my kid sharing with my boyfriend and his kid and share like a family, while my son enjoys, learns, plays, laughs and has fun, then that is what I do for him. His dad can enroll him in whatever he wants, obviously good for the kid, but he would be very selfish enrolling the kid in something he knows will take from my, our time, he knows we are busy and we spend the weekends doing all sorts of things.. I highly respect his visitation time and do not enroll my kid on activities that would interfere with their plans. We love sports and they are part of our weekends, my son does not need to be on a league to play. I enjoy being with my son and do our own things, my son enjoys as well. He understands about visitations and it is a shame that his father is the one making a big argument about this. I understand if the kid has been doing a sport or has been part of a group for years and then the divorce happens...I can see how it could affect the kid, but after the divorce, to enroll the kid on something new, without consulting with the other party, and impose their way, that is very different. Do not do that to kids, respect visitation time and do not be selfish enrolling a kid on something that involves the other parent's time. Additionally, do not allow kids to manipulate the situations....we are the adults, divorced and before telling your kids they are joining a group, have the courtesy and respect to ask the other parent if it's ok with them. Its not about bugging the other parent or being funny...actually most men do not even think about that, it's just that the same way one parent wants games, the other might just want to pray with their kid. Who is right?

Terri L - posted on 02/16/2013

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I agree parents do use kids as pawns both mothers and fathers. I know the importance of having a father in my life and had hoped that my daughters could experience the same joy....that's not happening. He's the adult and they are the kids, but they deserve to be respected as well. I don't like the fact that kids voices are not heard in cases like this

Evelyn - posted on 02/16/2013

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Its different when its discussed and all, Terri. But there are a lot of people out there that use the kids as pawns. And that is what makes me sick. Kids do not have a lot of say in how this custody and visitation works out. They have to go where they are told to go and not until they are 18 can they make choices on certain things. Kids feelings are not even taken into consideration in those situations.

Terri L - posted on 02/16/2013

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@Evelyn -- we discussed the activities prior to signing them up. And is made aware of all the games. He's just likes the confrontations and commotions

Terri L - posted on 02/16/2013

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@Evelyn -- one of my daughters have been playing basketball since 2nd grade. Her dad is well aware of it and comes to the games when he wants to, which is not a lot. He also knows that our other daughter is a cheerleader. These activities were discussed and agreed upon before signing them up. He use them as collateral. I believe that sometimes an ex thinks any connection or conversation is better than none.

Terri L - posted on 02/15/2013

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@ Jane McNally - I read everybodys entries and they all sound extremely familiar with the mess that I am going through with my ex. But one thing you said stood out more than any other comment...."visitation doesn't mean that life stops for the kids." They makes the world of sense but why can't my ex see that. It's his way or no way....so to get back at me, he hurts the kids with things of this nature. They HATE going to his house. They are 13 and 14 years old. Or did I mention that they HATE going to his house? I need to research TN law about amending visitation. They play sports and he constantly make them late for their practices and threaten not to take them to practices and games.

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2012

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I have similar issues with my daughter's father. It is part of our divorce agreement that we talk about her activies prior to enrollment. I do that, and even if he agrees, he only takes my daughter to about half of the activities she is schedule for. I have offered to reschedule or take her myself, which he says is not necessary. My daughter does not get a chance to excel in her extracurricular activies as a result. This fall I found 2 activities that occured only during my time with my daughter, and only 1 that occurs every week. My ex has already missed a class! My daughter is missing out because my ex can't be bothered.

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Revisit your agreement with your ex, through a solictor. Could it be admended to take into account the softball and soccer seasons, when your children are training/playing in matches.

Certainly if your daughter is as good as you/her teachers think she is, then a scholarship is brilliant and the opportunity not to be lost.

As for interfering with his time with the children, this could be turned on it's head - by taking them to activities they like and supporting their abilities in sport is not interfering with time spent with the children. It is showing that he can support them mentally, emotionally, physically in something that they are interested in. Sport is much better than hanging around on the street corners. Also it helps him to bond with the children, as it shows that he is interested in their hobbies and interests outside of school.

The answer to your question 'Am I in the wrong here?' - Morally probably no as you are fostering and helping to nurture their skills/talents as they are attending relevant trainings/matches. Also it helps them to learn about committing their time etc. in the long wrong. Legally - it depends on what your visitation agreement is. By talking to a solicitor you will be able to get more guidance and advice on where to take it from here on.

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Contempt of court = ????

I took the risk. I left my ex in the first place because of his asinine attitudes where the kids were concerned. He had me declared "nuts" and got the kids away from me. Signed them up for things that I had to run them to on my time. Because it was good stuff for them I took them. When it was just for the sake of signing them up to get back at me, I talked to the kids and did not take them. Stuff that I signed them up for and he didn't take them, I kept them and took them to their stuff. We went back to court because he was mad and being a jerk, The judge backed me up saying I was "doing the right thing for the kids".

I'm not sure what contemp of court equals where you are, but | was frustrated enough that I was going through what I had to for my kids. I am NOT 'nuts" and never have been, only when I got married to him.

Weigh your priorities, do you want to do this to "win" or do you want to do it for your kids? What are you willing to do or give up for your kids? I would have given up everything.

Taking the attitude of "roll over" will not do anything for your kids in the long run. Be the responsible parent and role model. Stand up for what is right. A Scholarship is nothing to be shrugged off.

Nothing is too bad to go through if you are doing it for your kids, as long as what you are doing is reasonable. Personally, he is being a jerk to hurt you and doing damage to the kids. Be the damage control and "just do it"!

Jen - posted on 05/22/2012

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Thats really harsh, I drove my kids to and from my ex's house the first year and bought his butt groceries, now he's unemployed and 10,000 behind five years later. I don't blame myself one bit, he can't carry himself I'm not gonna. Other than the legalities we don't know what these people are going through. Shame on you Iggy!

Christy - posted on 04/26/2010

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I have the same problems with my ex. He wants me to sign our 10 year old up for things but then he always has an excuse for why he can't take him to his game and practices. I got tired of it and eventually quit signing him up for things. Which isn't fair to my son but I don't know what else to do. I stopped visits for awhile and like Valarie said there is a court order and that could put me in contempt. It seems like its a double edged sword. You want the kids to do the things they enjoy but it becomes a headache with the ex's and their weekends. Good luck.. I would love to know how you fiqure out this one because I haven't yet

Alicia - posted on 04/15/2010

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I understand what you are saying but I have been divorced 7 years & my ex husband has just now in the last 4months started to see our kids regularly. He starts seeing our kids on his weekends for awhile than he will stop & make some excuse. It has been this way for the last 7 years. So i beleive he has given up his decision making rights when it comes to the kids. Your are correct if my ex husband was involved with our kids all the time i would ask him about things like sports & school. That is the way it should be but unfortunately my ex doesn't see it that way.

Valerie - posted on 04/14/2010

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FYI If there is court-ordered visitation you could get into serious trouble if you deny him his rights...i acknowledge your commitment to your children and their sports but it was probably a bad plan to get them into sports that would interfere with his visitation without his agreement beforehand...perhaps you had that agreement before signing them up but if you didn't that might be the bigger problem...If you didn't ask him I would apologize for not considering his right to be a part of the decision-making that affected his time and for not asking him, let him know it wont happen again, and let him know how much it means to them and to not punish them for your poor decision...if he doesn't budge I would apologize to the kids and let them know that you were in the wrong and are sorry for the difficulty this has caused. I would ask him if he would consider it in the future and I would encourage the kids to talk with their dad and ask his permission for the next program...all the best

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