Kids,sports & visitation

Alicia - posted on 04/13/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have an 11 year old girl who pitches for softball & a 7 year old boy who plays soccer. My daughter has pitching practice on the weekends & my son has soccer games on the weekends. My ex husband refuses to take them to thier sports cause it interferes with his time with them I've even offered to come and get them take them to thier sports 7 than drop them back off but he refuses that too. So I'm having a hard time getting the kids to go over there on his weekends & I finally got fed up with it & refused to let my ex have the kids last weekend cause he refused again to take the kids to thier sports. Am I in the wrong here?? I just hate seeing my son practice all week but not be able to play the games cause of his father & my daughter is sooo into pitching she's talking about going to college on a softball pitching scholorship. I feel like if I don't stand up for my kids on this they will resent me for it.

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Jane - posted on 04/13/2010

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Nope, you're not wrong at all. Visitation doesn't mean that life stops for the kids. He should be ensuring that these kids lives are not disrupted just because of the divorce. I would talk to your lawyer if you have one and get this in the courts hands. The courts will 100% back you and the kids on this...I guarantee it!!!! Your ex is being an ass. He's doing it to hurt you but in the end, it's hurting his kids and that's just bad parenting.

Evelyn - posted on 02/16/2013

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I can see both sides of the coin. But again, if a father or mother has visitation and the games fall on their weekend and they have not been spoken with about this, how can you expect them to take the kids to their games when they only see them for a short amount of time? Why do not people work things out? Its better for the kids.

Iggyschlepp - posted on 05/21/2012

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No court is going to back her up for breaking the law. They have court ordered visitation therefore she is in contempt off court. I would go so far as to assume that she never got his permission to sign them up for the sport program in the first place since she feels entitled enough to just ignore a court order and deny him access. All of you harping on your ex's for not being in your children' lives need to look back at your actions over the last few years and I bet you have no one to blame but yourself.

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Terri L - posted on 02/16/2013

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I agree parents do use kids as pawns both mothers and fathers. I know the importance of having a father in my life and had hoped that my daughters could experience the same joy....that's not happening. He's the adult and they are the kids, but they deserve to be respected as well. I don't like the fact that kids voices are not heard in cases like this

Evelyn - posted on 02/16/2013

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Its different when its discussed and all, Terri. But there are a lot of people out there that use the kids as pawns. And that is what makes me sick. Kids do not have a lot of say in how this custody and visitation works out. They have to go where they are told to go and not until they are 18 can they make choices on certain things. Kids feelings are not even taken into consideration in those situations.

Terri L - posted on 02/16/2013

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@Evelyn -- we discussed the activities prior to signing them up. And is made aware of all the games. He's just likes the confrontations and commotions

Terri L - posted on 02/16/2013

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@Evelyn -- one of my daughters have been playing basketball since 2nd grade. Her dad is well aware of it and comes to the games when he wants to, which is not a lot. He also knows that our other daughter is a cheerleader. These activities were discussed and agreed upon before signing them up. He use them as collateral. I believe that sometimes an ex thinks any connection or conversation is better than none.

Terri L - posted on 02/15/2013

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@ Jane McNally - I read everybodys entries and they all sound extremely familiar with the mess that I am going through with my ex. But one thing you said stood out more than any other comment...."visitation doesn't mean that life stops for the kids." They makes the world of sense but why can't my ex see that. It's his way or no way....so to get back at me, he hurts the kids with things of this nature. They HATE going to his house. They are 13 and 14 years old. Or did I mention that they HATE going to his house? I need to research TN law about amending visitation. They play sports and he constantly make them late for their practices and threaten not to take them to practices and games.

Sarah - posted on 09/19/2012

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I have similar issues with my daughter's father. It is part of our divorce agreement that we talk about her activies prior to enrollment. I do that, and even if he agrees, he only takes my daughter to about half of the activities she is schedule for. I have offered to reschedule or take her myself, which he says is not necessary. My daughter does not get a chance to excel in her extracurricular activies as a result. This fall I found 2 activities that occured only during my time with my daughter, and only 1 that occurs every week. My ex has already missed a class! My daughter is missing out because my ex can't be bothered.

[deleted account]

Revisit your agreement with your ex, through a solictor. Could it be admended to take into account the softball and soccer seasons, when your children are training/playing in matches.

Certainly if your daughter is as good as you/her teachers think she is, then a scholarship is brilliant and the opportunity not to be lost.

As for interfering with his time with the children, this could be turned on it's head - by taking them to activities they like and supporting their abilities in sport is not interfering with time spent with the children. It is showing that he can support them mentally, emotionally, physically in something that they are interested in. Sport is much better than hanging around on the street corners. Also it helps him to bond with the children, as it shows that he is interested in their hobbies and interests outside of school.

The answer to your question 'Am I in the wrong here?' - Morally probably no as you are fostering and helping to nurture their skills/talents as they are attending relevant trainings/matches. Also it helps them to learn about committing their time etc. in the long wrong. Legally - it depends on what your visitation agreement is. By talking to a solicitor you will be able to get more guidance and advice on where to take it from here on.

[deleted account]

Contempt of court = ????

I took the risk. I left my ex in the first place because of his asinine attitudes where the kids were concerned. He had me declared "nuts" and got the kids away from me. Signed them up for things that I had to run them to on my time. Because it was good stuff for them I took them. When it was just for the sake of signing them up to get back at me, I talked to the kids and did not take them. Stuff that I signed them up for and he didn't take them, I kept them and took them to their stuff. We went back to court because he was mad and being a jerk, The judge backed me up saying I was "doing the right thing for the kids".

I'm not sure what contemp of court equals where you are, but | was frustrated enough that I was going through what I had to for my kids. I am NOT 'nuts" and never have been, only when I got married to him.

Weigh your priorities, do you want to do this to "win" or do you want to do it for your kids? What are you willing to do or give up for your kids? I would have given up everything.

Taking the attitude of "roll over" will not do anything for your kids in the long run. Be the responsible parent and role model. Stand up for what is right. A Scholarship is nothing to be shrugged off.

Nothing is too bad to go through if you are doing it for your kids, as long as what you are doing is reasonable. Personally, he is being a jerk to hurt you and doing damage to the kids. Be the damage control and "just do it"!

Jen - posted on 05/22/2012

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Thats really harsh, I drove my kids to and from my ex's house the first year and bought his butt groceries, now he's unemployed and 10,000 behind five years later. I don't blame myself one bit, he can't carry himself I'm not gonna. Other than the legalities we don't know what these people are going through. Shame on you Iggy!

Christy - posted on 04/26/2010

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I have the same problems with my ex. He wants me to sign our 10 year old up for things but then he always has an excuse for why he can't take him to his game and practices. I got tired of it and eventually quit signing him up for things. Which isn't fair to my son but I don't know what else to do. I stopped visits for awhile and like Valarie said there is a court order and that could put me in contempt. It seems like its a double edged sword. You want the kids to do the things they enjoy but it becomes a headache with the ex's and their weekends. Good luck.. I would love to know how you fiqure out this one because I haven't yet

Alicia - posted on 04/15/2010

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I understand what you are saying but I have been divorced 7 years & my ex husband has just now in the last 4months started to see our kids regularly. He starts seeing our kids on his weekends for awhile than he will stop & make some excuse. It has been this way for the last 7 years. So i beleive he has given up his decision making rights when it comes to the kids. Your are correct if my ex husband was involved with our kids all the time i would ask him about things like sports & school. That is the way it should be but unfortunately my ex doesn't see it that way.

Valerie - posted on 04/14/2010

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FYI If there is court-ordered visitation you could get into serious trouble if you deny him his rights...i acknowledge your commitment to your children and their sports but it was probably a bad plan to get them into sports that would interfere with his visitation without his agreement beforehand...perhaps you had that agreement before signing them up but if you didn't that might be the bigger problem...If you didn't ask him I would apologize for not considering his right to be a part of the decision-making that affected his time and for not asking him, let him know it wont happen again, and let him know how much it means to them and to not punish them for your poor decision...if he doesn't budge I would apologize to the kids and let them know that you were in the wrong and are sorry for the difficulty this has caused. I would ask him if he would consider it in the future and I would encourage the kids to talk with their dad and ask his permission for the next program...all the best

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