Looking for a support group for non-custodial mothers...

Crystal - posted on 10/05/2009 ( 63 moms have responded )

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My ex and I have chosen that he remain the custodial parent for a variety of reasons. I am looking for a group that may have experience with this non-traditional divorce arrangement. Can anyone point me in a direction?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tovah - posted on 03/20/2013

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Kristina:

I identify with those feelings of "unfulfilled purpose," "missing something," "sadness about thelies," and "frustration with helplessness"...but be an example during this season where your ex is planting negative seeds; stay positive, do not get drawn in to the drama, and continue to plant positive seeds because, maybe even write your child a journal of notes when you think of him or pray for him in times you cannot be together, I PROMISE YOU, a time is coming where your child will be grown enough to not be bought off; a time when actions will speak louder than words and your message and positive posture will speak volumes. Above all, don't forget that you are still his Mom - there or not, be the very best at it that you can be!! Keep your focus and don't give up...this is just a season!

AMBER - posted on 10/13/2009

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my x use to have our son but now i do, he went to jail and the judge gave me custody back, i agreed to let my son live with his dad cause of the situation i was in at the time. and it took me 4 years to get him back. it is not hard to be the mom without full custody. my husband and i caould not afford a lawer so represented myself, my x had one that mommy and daddy paid for. i am gonna tell you ladies you do not need a lawyer to go to court!!! you are your childs mother and you can speak from the heart and your argument comes from the heart. my x is now out of jail and getting ready to take me back to court, he is sooo stupid, and once again i will be sitting there to represent myself. a laywer is CHEAP the only diff. between me and a lawyer is they know bigger words then i do and they have a piece of paper that gives them the tittle. well guess what i have 5 kids and a husband belive me i know how to get my point across just fine on my own. so if you are a mom that don't have full custody or custodial parent ad have any questions for me feel free to message me. i did you all can too!!!!

Lynnette - posted on 10/21/2009

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Hi I'm a non custodial mum of 3 ( 17, 15, 13). again "not by choice "When my ex and i split up.he told the kids that he couldn't live without them under his roof.He also made up lots of untrue stories about me to try and turn the kids against me. After a long court battle i had to give in as i couldn't afford to keep fighting. Thankfully the judge gave me joint custody of the children on the grounds that they stayed with their dad.I do see them during the week and all the holidays are split between us,but i miss being a full-time mum.I have remarried to a great guy and im thankful for that, but life is so hard most days for me because i dont do the mum things.My kids are happy with the arrangement and my ex loves it, as he still gets to lord it over me.Will my heart ever fell light again?

Stacy - posted on 10/18/2009

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I am also a non-custodial parent, not by my choice. He had the money, I did not. Then he had the judge who is corrupt make me responsible for his attorney fees. I couldnt even afford an attorney to keep my children and now I am expected to pay his attorney. My children are very unhappy. They have never been away from me, thier dad never had anything to do with them. He only wanted custody to hurt me because he knows that my children are my everything and that was the only way he could get to me. He used our children and now not only me but my children are suffering. Not only do I have to deal with the heartbreak of my children being in a strangers house but I have to have my heart broken every time my youngest calls me crying that she wants to come. What a messed up judicial system that we have that totally disregards our childrens futures and feelings for a buck.

Tanya - posted on 10/08/2009

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http://www.nancm.com has a lot of info and support for your situation. You can also join a support group on Yahoo at this address Non_Cust_Mom_Link-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. I'm a non-custodial mother as well and have found the women there to be really supportive and helpful.

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63 Comments

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Bonnie - posted 4 days ago

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I too am in your predicament...my ex only took one child left with the girlvwhile he took the boy with all his money....now I pay him child su port.....what do I tell my daughter about her dad that doesn't take care of her...punishes her mom by ordering child support and alienates her sibling from us? Love and support and prayers sent your way......

Bonnie - posted 4 days ago

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Most divorce custodial papers have a clause that says if your ex doesn't send you the bills in 30 days you dont pay.

Bonnie - posted 4 days ago

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Dana....I just lost my teenage boy to his out of state father....while I have my teenage daughter. I hate people knowing I dont have one my children.Sometimes Is hard to be cheerful but thank you for being nice to somsomeone else. Sometimes the courts ruling goes to the highest bidder...I now know life ain't fair but at least I had him tell he was a teenager. Im depressed but out of remedies....

Dana - posted on 04/10/2014

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Hang in there cammy!! I've been thru a nasty 9 yrs with my ex he got joint custody of our daughter 3 yrs ago because I gave I got so tired of all the lies and drama he was starting with cops dss and starting drama with my husband and his mom wanting to fight my mom. It's been 3 years she has been living with him and I only get her two weekends a month. I miss getting her ready for school just the little things but I no when she is older she will choose to live with me. I no it's hard believe me. But things will get better be happy yr child is alive and healthy. That's really all that matters! Hang in there!!

Aliya - posted on 04/09/2014

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Hi my name is Allie. I am the non-custodial parent. I see my kids on tuesday, thursday evenings and then monday wednesday evenings and get them every other weekend.
They only spend the night on the weekends with me. I only get 10 days off of work a year like most people, and I find it hard as well. Hang in there. My soon to be ex lives in a house that the brother bought for him. So I had to leave. It has been 5 months and the guilt is so hard to live with.

Take Care!

Allie (aliyahilaly@gmail.com)

Jen - posted on 03/08/2014

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Crystal, how are you coping with this arrangement? I am in a similar one, and I find it awful most of the time. Not to be a bummer, I am just having a very tough few days right now with missing the everyday stuff that happens when you live with your kids. Thanks, Jen

Colette - posted on 03/03/2014

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I need help asap for a support system that I can turn to for support over the custodial loss of my daughter,,,,,,most days are better but I seem to be overloaded and feel very lost....please help a loving mother,,,, shaymcgee01@yahoo.com

Colette - posted on 03/03/2014

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Please help,,,I have been coping alone for tooooo long and I need support,,,shaymcgee01@yahoo.com

Julie - posted on 03/01/2014

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I couldn't afford a lawyer the father got custody when my son was three. I still haven't recovered from the emotional pain.I live in Newport Beach and want to make friends with other mothers

Shea - posted on 02/19/2014

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We have joint custody of my daughter, really it mostly depends on my work schedule. There are times when i see her 3 days a week and times when I only see her 1 day a week. It is tough. She is only 2 so she doesnt understand and probably thinks everytime I drop her off at her dad's is the last time I will see her. It hurts my heart to see her get so upset when I have to take her back to her father's house. On the plus side, her father and I get along fine but I wish that I could help her understand, maybe in time.

Ravi - posted on 01/30/2014

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Yet my situation is worse. I have got joint custody but residence has been granted to my ex. husband who have my 2 kids (11 & 13) with him. Despite this, I haven't seen my kids for 18 months since he brainwashed them to say they don't want to come any more. Just imagine, I have been good mother who play with the kids, cook, does homework with them, arts& crafts, who woke up every night to their cry when they were young etc.. he never have spent much time with them, I am alone in this country, he has extended family, so the kids said they are bored and prefer to be with him but to the point they don't want to come for few hours even? I don't have what to say just to chock in tears.

Kimberly Ann - posted on 12/03/2013

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My name is Kim, I am a mother of 7. My ex-husband was awarded sole custody of our daughter in 2008. She was 4 then. I was told by an attorney that the reason he was awarded custody was because I didn't have a lawyer. There isn't any other reasonable explanation. I have always been a stay at home mom and homeschooled my children. My ex has not allowed me to see or talk to my daughter since May 27, 2012. I don't know how I have survived this and don't know how much longer I can. I miss her so much and dream about her constantly.

Shonny - posted on 11/11/2013

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hi my name is shonny , and i have just set up a facebook page copy and paste this link
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Non-Custodial-Parents/174091632792051
i have noticed that there is not muct support out there for us... so i hope to change that.....

Shonny - posted on 11/03/2013

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Hi, I'm also from Australia , also have 3 awesome Children , 8,6 and 5 , they r living with their dad now for 3 years , and it has been hell for me.

Angie - posted on 09/17/2013

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I am a NCM of 2 years now, my daughter decided to move 2 hours away to her dads when she was 14. I did not want her to go but you cant tell a 14 yr old anything. My ex husbands wife is crazy. She is very controlling on EVERYTHING. I hardly ever get to talk to my daughter (she has to sneak to call me) if the step mom gets mad at me for any little thing she wont let her come and see me let alone talk to her on the phone I try to call but no one ever answers or returns calls. My daughter is now 16 and fed up with step mom trying to keep her from me and she wants to come home. I just called the lawyer today to start the process of getting my daughter home. I do have a question if anyone on here can answer or help me find the answer. I am responsible for 1/2 of medical bills after insurance. They wont send me copies of the medical bills to prove what I owe. She said on many occasions she would email them to me but never did. Do I have a right to call daughters doc to find out balance no matter whos name the bill is in? Please help me with this!!

Amanda Dansby - posted on 07/26/2013

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i dont know what to do. i went to court on this month to try to return custody to me from childs father because the judge of that court said i could do that when i was ready for my children to come back to fill out petition for modify custody and that they would have to bring the children back. well me and my hubby went to court and the court found out that all parties has moved out of state. so he dismissed the case and told us to go file in the state that we were in now. but for me and father of child to work out an agreement of joint custody we cant do that because he tells me i have to agree with him. and he told me that if i went and tryed to go and get custody back of her he could make it to where i would'nt have no say in the matter of my child or get to see her again. i have visitation rights to my child through court. my decision was made voluntairly untill i got my health better. i went because 6 months ago before i got sick and was in hospital the father of my child had nothing hardely to do with her. he only came for visitiation when the time was right for him not her. he has never helped out by paying any child support for her.

Cammy - posted on 05/31/2013

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I am extremely volatile right now...wavering between blowing up and just shutting down. I'm 25 and have been in a very nasty custody battle (for what i believe has been 4 years; legally it has been settled since I "Agreed" to the custody order about two years ago). I have now been labeled as the non-custodial parent and ordered to pay child support to a man that has no right mind whatsoever. I attempt to console myself with hopes of one day being able to feel okay- I am now most recently waiting to be eligible for health insurance so I can calm this anxiety down...it is pretty life-threatening.

Cassie - posted on 04/28/2013

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Hello everyone. I am from Australia so not sure if I can post here or not...

I have 3 children (8, almost 6 and 3) who live with their aunty and uncle. I had (still have) bad depression and I wasn't coping as a single mother (their father and I broke up 3 years ago now). I have to go to court to get over night access. They promised me that I would still be in my childrens' lives, but so far I have only been able to see them at their house once a month for an hour or two. I am finding it very difficult as I miss my kids very much. I have since met a new man who is very good to me, my kids have been out of my custody for 12 months now. Their aunty makes it quite difficult for me sometimes, eg she tells me I can call every Sunday at 7pm to talk to the kids and I do, but she hardly answers her phone. Or she tells me I can't go to their birthdays or Xmas or whatever. There are consent orders in place and unless/until I take them to court they will always be the ones that have control. They are even getting the kids to call them mum and dad. :(

Jacquie - posted on 04/01/2013

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i'm going through a rough time with my ex. Its been a nightmare. I have visitation and since i moved my son has been acting out more. I try to get his dad involved but he says its my fault that he is acting this way. I just put our son in a mental hospital b/c he has been saying he wants to die and trying to choke himself and acting out other ways. The dr. wouldn't let me take him home for the rest of spring break and said i should find a lawyer. All i wanted was to get our son the help he needs. Now i might lose all my visitation rights. I don't know where to turn and found this group and hope that i can find support here.

Nicolle - posted on 03/23/2013

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Thank you Tovah, it is an uphill battle at times, but I am tough and so are my girls!

Tovah - posted on 03/23/2013

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Nicolle:
Your hope and fresh perspective are encouraging to all of us. Sometimes positive focus really is the game changer in these circumstances. You are so right; your daughters will know if they don't already how's sad that your husband has chosen to catch them up in between. The positive balance to that is you are teaching them how to deal with adversity with grace and that is one of the most k ey lessons they will learn as women. Good for you!

Nicolle - posted on 03/23/2013

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I'm in the same boat. My ex has custody of my twin daughters and he bad mouths me all the time. My girls are 12 and see what their father is doing. We were supposed to trade custody 2 years after the divorce and he refused. Since we did not use an attorney for the divorce he can get away with denying me. He and his mother emotionally blackmale my girls, shove religion down their throats and tell them awful lies about me, they have even told the girls I am the devil for divorcing their dad and that I must have been cheating on him. I take comfort in knowing the girls know better and that I do not stoop to his level. Like Tovah said, they will know the difference when they are old enough. My girls see how I behave compared to their father. Sorry for rambling on. I understand tho.

Melissa - posted on 03/20/2013

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Tovah
That is a wonderful post :) Those are wonderful words of encouragement :) Kristina hang in there hon you can do this , and Tovah is right children will reach a point to where they understand and see what is really going on. Write him a letter everyday even if he can't see as Tovah suggested :) Keep them in a safe place and then you will someday be able to give them to him and he will see how much you really do love him
Hugs to you both

Kristina - posted on 03/20/2013

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hi
I'm also a non-custodual mom. My ex told my son so many lies about me. Also continued to tell my son when you turn 12 yrs old. You will come live with me. So my son would throw that in my face all the time. My ex has alot of money and able to buy him anything he wants. My ex wouldn't allow my son to play any sports when he lived with me. Even now makes up excuses why Brandon still doesn't play sports. I encouraged my son to play sports. Told ex that i would make up the weekends after the sport is over! I still get really depressed about that son doesn't live with me! I also hate all the static about mom's who are not the primary care giver of the child or children. Feel as thou their is peice of me missing. ALso loss my perpuse in life.
Ex married married the women he was cheating on me with. About year after the divorce.
I'm so glad found this support group! Has been so helpful.
thanks
kristy

Tovah - posted on 03/19/2013

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Thanks Melissa. I joined and am looking forward to the support and giving support.

Melissa - posted on 03/19/2013

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we have a group it is called non custodial moms just search in the communities there is also a link to it just below here from one of my past posts . Hope to see you join

Tovah - posted on 03/19/2013

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Hi. I am new...but in the same boat. I am a cm - yup, been a custodial mom of two for almost 9 years - AND an ncm of my infant. My husbamd used lies, corruption, and false accusations to take custody of our infant son (who is almost 9 months old). I have been and am healthy, responsible, consistent, and tenured in parenting but that did not stop the courts from taking my baby away. I never needed supervised visits. The department of social services was never involved. I never lost custody of my older children (on the contrary; my ex and his wife actually came to court to testify for me). And yet...that did not stop the courts in my corrupt district (my husband admits that his lawyer, the former town attorney, talks to the judges outside of court) from taking my baby away. There is nothing I can do now, like most of us here, we have to find a positive way to be great mothers in the place we are. I try to remind myself that nobody can stop me from being my son's mother. I am here to encourage you too!

Kristina - posted on 01/26/2013

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hi

I would like to start off that we met in high school. Married 2007. We dated for five yrs! Had our son 3 yrs later! Everything was great i thought. Come to finf out he was cheating with girl from work. She had husband and three kids. I even met her and kids,and husband!! He swar to me that he wasn't cheating. Then their was Fast STop Becky . place he purchased coffee, cigs.
He even brought her to see our boat!! I delt with all this best could!!!! Then 2005 had lung surgery. I brought in my cousin to help out with house stuff! Well my husband and her got it on!!! Then my ex convinced me to give her $3,000.00 to keep her quite. By that time i was done. Moved in with father and son too. Filled for divorced! Worst part of my life! After the divoce made the whole issue that son lived with me was hell for my son. Ever activitie was night marror. EX kept telling our son . No matter what when turn twelve you are living with me. He was getting sick, hurting his neice physically all the time!!! Ex refused to help me get help for him. When ever i spoke to him about it . told me it was my fault!! ALso ex could buy him anything !!!! So i though be best that our son try to live with him!!!
Sometimes feel so guilty, ashames, confused!!! people i talk to just say you just gave him away!! so not true! IS their anybody who understands. OR has done the samething and maybe feel the sameway! Would love to talk to you!
my email kristina727@comcast.net

Melissa - posted on 12/13/2012

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Hey all you non custodial mommies come join our group

Non-Custodial Moms :) Now up and running :) see you there :)

Melissa - posted on 12/10/2012

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Is there a page on here for us non-custodial mommies ? If so can someone point me in the right direction . We sure do deserve a support group as well :)

Rosemarie - posted on 11/04/2012

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I lost custody to my ex-husband since he had the money for an attorney, and I did not (I was a stay-at-home mom). I was a great mom, raised my son mostly on my own his first five years of life (his dad was in the Navy and out at sea). It wasn't until I asked for a divorce and could not be persuaded to change my mind, did my ex become vindictive and take me to court for full custody. Since he could afford an attorney and I could not, he was awarded full custody, and he asked that I have to pay his attorney's fees. I am college-educated, no drugs, not an alcoholic, not abusive, not even a speeding ticket - not that I am judging others, but this is my situation.



I am allowed to see my son once a month for three hours, supervised, at $50/hr, which I have to pay. My son misses me so much and is always asking why he can't stay over at my house, why can't I attend his school functions, etc. He does not understand, and I am not allowed to discuss it with him (which, in some ways, is better, since he is too young to understand). His dad is remarried and his current wife is helping to raise my son. It breaks my heart. I know that when my son is older, I will be able to explain my side, but for now, he is missing his mom, and I am missing my baby (he is nine). I feel stuck.



Do you know what I mean?

Kimberly - posted on 10/26/2012

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I have looked online for a group near me. I havnt found any. Can anyone help me with this ?

Monica - posted on 09/20/2012

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Hi I'm also a non costodial mom and I'm a hard working mom and divorce a have two lil girls and my situation was a mutual agreement but know I want to know if is possible for me to get coustody of my lil girls again and what would be the steps if any one plz let me know

Keri - posted on 09/07/2012

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I am also a ncm. I was an alcoholic while married and in and out of rehabs, and carrying on with other men...my husband left me, took the kids and I do not blame him.



Fast forward two years now. I am sober, self-supporting, and pay child support and have a good job (after losing everything and becoming homeless). My heart breaks with what I have done to my children. My mind goes back to the happy days at home before all hell broke loose. It's a daily battle to even get out of bed and go to work sometimes and put on a happy face, as I just want to be a part of my kids lives again. I will get there, one day at a time.



I have also made a choice to not get involved with any other man as this can distract me from my primary purpose...to stay sober and reestablish a strong relationship with my kids. Peace to all you other ncm's out there!

Jacqui - posted on 08/06/2012

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i have two young children aged 5 and 7 and i had them taken off me in 2008 and they went to live with a farthers i was having reglular contact with both of them up till 5 weeks ago wen it got stopped...i have had a court rule against me regarding the youngest one due to my mental health and im having to take the oldest ones dad bck to court...my mental health was brought on by the fact i experienced domestic violence from both ex partners and i was raped...i need some suport to cope with this situation as i am finding it very difficult

Patti - posted on 07/22/2012

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I am a non-traditional Mother, as defined by society. I have three younger children, all of which live with their Fathers. My oldest with hers and my two youngest with theirs. I had all three children in my home full-time for 6 1/2 years, however the demands of Motherhood took it's toll on me mentally and physically. This later reflected in the behaviors of my children. I have been a single struggling mother the majority of their upbringing, this too had a hard impact on my children. One things most people do when I share this information is judge me. Not for what they know to be the situation, rather for what they assume should be the situation. I am certain that I am not the only mother that has made a difficult decision to better my children's current and future lives. I am interested in meeting other mothers like myself. Although the decision is what is right and what is best, it does not make it easy and at times very intolerable. I would love to get to know a group of woman like myself. Any ideas????

Angela - posted on 06/01/2012

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Hi I am also a ncm. I miss my babies EVERYDAY. There is not a day that goes by when I see mothers with their children and on tv and it makes me want to cry. I haven't had custody of my kids for 4 years now because I am not financially able to take care of them after my divorce from an abusive ex. I struggle all the time thinking that I am terrible because I can't take care of my kids. I know that they have a better life living with their paternal grandmother but I feel like sh*t because I should be the one to raise them. If there are any kind of support groups I would love to know about them and even having someone to talk to from time to time would help because no one knows how I feel. Please contact me through my email a.foster7581@gmail.com

Cheryl - posted on 04/11/2012

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If these groups are still active, I would love to join.

I am a ncm for almost 2 years now, and not by choice as my ex is a millionaire,

and even though I am an engineer, I do not have the 10's of thousands it would take to fight him.

I also have to follow "the work", and that unfortunately takes me out of the state where they reside. I recently tried to take him to court to modify the parenting plan to get more time with my son, and it was a joke. I got nothing, and am now out 10k. Now my ex is being totally vindictive and punishing me for daring to take him to court. It makes me sick and depressed that my son sometimes calls my ex's g/f "mom". Does anyone else feel helpless?

Andraya - posted on 03/30/2012

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The past few days I've been inching toward a depressed state again. I have been a non-custodial mom for 6 years now. I am recently engaged and we're struggling to get into a 2 bedroom before fighting for custody again.. Faith has an in school play this morning and I'm dreading the sight of her step mother.. This woman knows no boundaries and it makes me sick that she acts like mother of the year when the only reason she's able to raise my daughter is that her husband presented her as his fiance when we went for custody. i had no army in my corner so the judge saw that he had a family environment established and I didn't...

Britt - posted on 03/15/2012

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My ex had primary custody for a bit but now i ended up with our 2 kids we have together. this past year or so, i would be open to talk since i was myself a non custodial parent. :)

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