My 13yr old does not like to go to her dads.....

David - posted on 05/04/2013

Very wrong Kris. what a bitch you are. You need a shrink, Im not even going to go down the list.

David - posted on 05/04/2013

too bad. tell her she needs to go because she needs to spend time with her dad and shouldn't make him beg like a dog to see his child and that you will tear her tail up if she does it again. Basically do what you would want him to do if the role was reversed and she whined and moaned when it was your weekend (remember you have her most of the time and influence her beyond the dad, but she will start seeing through things in a few years.)

Helen - posted on 04/06/2013

I have 3 childern 2 boys 1 girl ages 15 to 8.well my prob is different my ex told my childern they do not need to go to his if they dont want to.Not sure if thats his choice or his new parteners.So now my 8 year old daughter dont want to go when its his wkend to have them.I did tell her she had go go as this was her dads wlend and he wood like to see her.So then i find out he had said this to them about not needing to go if they dont want to.so now she dont go all the time and my 11 year old son has missed a few wkends with him.Now hes saying im stopping them from going which is rubbish.Y he had to get like this i dont know maybe because hes getting remarried but its not fair on the kids.Asked him to meet to chat and clear the air that was a no he told me im getting a letter.About want i dont know so im waiting for this letter to come and see want is in it.So im not making my kids go as he said only if they want to.

Diane - posted on 02/04/2013

I currently have a similar situation. My 13 year old daughter and 10 year old son cry and complain every time they have to go to their dads. I do my best to encourage them to go have fun and be good for their dad. It is hard watching them leave so sad. I want nothing more in the world then for them to be excited about spending time with thier dad. When i ask the kids why they dont want to go they say he spends all of his time in his room. on his phone, sleeping or talking bad about you. They say we love our dad but he doesnt spend any time with us. This again makes me feel bad. He has currently filed for full custody we have 50/50 I agreed to it thinking it was best for the kids. THey need both of us in their lives. I just cant understand how he doesnt see that he is pushing his kids away.

Katharyn - posted on 12/24/2012

I think response is perfect. I am the parent, they are the child, and my responsibility is to encourage familial relationships. Unless there's a safety concern or abuse, I will not let my teenaged child manipulate me to get own way. No teen wants to hear about growing up and becoming responsible... When the time comes, they can choose when to spend with other parent; it's not an option gor them now unless has permission from the other parent not to visit.

Kris - posted on 12/07/2012

I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, but this type of thing just pisses me off. Sit her down and explain to her that she has the right to tell him no. If she's that unhappy at his place, then she has no obligation to go. Explain to her that she should stand up to him when he tries to guilt her; don't be rude or disrespectful, but honest and strong. She's 13. Right now, what future does she need to worry about? She doesn't need to be so worried and anxious about her future that she starts stressing out now. She can end up with some serious problems that could get her into a lot of trouble. Depending on what her dad says, she should learn to just ignore what he says; listen to him, hear him, and acknowledge she did, but not to let it bother her.



I was gonna say something else, but I decided not to, as I didn't want to sound bad, or upset anyone. But if talking to him doesn't work, then I think you should go directly to the gf, and ask her to stop. If she doesn't ask her again, only not so politely. If she still doesn't stop, tell her to butt out and mind her own business. It's not her daughter that she needs to worry about, it's herself, and her kids if she has any.



I wonder if they ever took into consideration that the reason she's anti-social is because they lecture her so much. So she avoids people because she thinks everyone else will lecture her too. Or she could only be anti-social when she's there. Hell, I would be too if I had to listen to nagging all the time lol. What you're saying they're lecturing her about isn't fair. She's only 13, and she doesn't need to be worrying so much about her future. She should be more worried about boys and makeup then what major she's going to choose. She has plenty of time to figure that out, as long as she knows what it takes to get into college, if that's even what she wants to do.



I would also sit her down, and ask her if anything has happened over at his house, and who comes over. I'm not saying she's lying, but she could be exaggerating what goes on over there, because something else is going on, and she's making it out to be worse then it is so she doesn't have to go. I pray to God that she's not exaggerating, and it's only the lectures that's keeping her from wanting to go. Assure her that she can tell you anything, and you'll be there if/when she ever wants to talk, that you'll understand and really listen to her. If she's not social with other people, and is having a hard time opening up to you, talk about some of the things you've been through, or have someone she trusts talk to her, or try a therapist.



I think there's something deeper going on, other then just the lectures. It could be what they're saying, how they're saying it, or even when they say it. If they lecture her when she does something they don't like, or doesn't do something they want her to, they could be talking down to her to guilt her into changing whatever it is. Either way, it sounds like she's going to resent him, and not have much contact with him when she gets older, and to me, that's a sad thing to happen.



I hope everything works out, and she finds the strength and courage to stand up to him when she needs to. Good luck with everything!

Jennifer - posted on 12/04/2012

My fiance's daughter is at the age when she is A LOT more social and really doesn't make time for her dad anymore. She still wants him to come to her games and school concerts, but other than that, she really doesn't want a lot to do with him. He has to call/txt her and when he does, it's like he's imposing on her. The mother won't enforce anything as far as visitation and now we don't even get overnight visits because the daughter's friends, skating rink, oh yes, and let's not forget BOYS are so much more important. Apparently her daughter sneaking off with boys and doing God knows what is more important to the mother than supervising her and limiting her

Redbear - posted on 12/04/2012

Not all ex's are the same. (That's a bit of slam, there)



My 14 y/o daughter and I have come to an agreement that when she has social activities that she 1) gets my approval since legally the time is mine - 99% of the time I say 'yes' and 2) she agrees to have make up days with me so we don't miss more time together. We've made our time together a balanced priority for both of us and it's worked fantastically.



Your ex needs to be in the boat or out of it and if he's not participating you need to keep a record of missed visitations of all of the kids so you can go to court and seek a modification of visitation. The courts frown pretty heavily on parents of either sex who don't visit thier kids.

Lisa - posted on 12/04/2012

im in the same position !!! my daughter hasnt seen her father in almost 6 months she tells him flat out. then i get the nasty phone calls or text that im such a wonderful mother and she is going to be a knocked up junky by the time she's in high school. REALLY!! he is also remarried with another daughter and the problems didnt start until he did get remarried. he stopped seeing the kids on his scheduled days because it was inconvient for him. but once in awhile like today he has a bug up his butt and keeps threatening DYFS on me. thats is way of revenge on me he calls them on me constantly and there are never any findings and i cant press charges on him because he calls in anymously. my kids are getting tired of this and my daughter just wants to emanicpate herself from him. does anyone know the legal age or procedure to do this in the state of nj? my son maintains a relationship with him just to get him to stop threatening us. all ex's are the same they just dont get it. expecailly when a girl reaches a certain age all they want are their friends!! i get it i remember being that age!! sorry to get off topic but you are not alone at all in this....

Redbear - posted on 12/03/2012

The best argument I've heard against 'if you don't want to go, you don't have to' is:



'Instead of going to church on Sunday or school during the week would you allow your child to refuse to go so they can stay home, drink beer, and watch porn?'



If the answer is 'NO!' then why is the value of staying home, drinking beer, and watching porn have more value than the relationship and visitation between kids and their Dad?



In my own case, this is the argument that I'm making in court for my ex's passive-aggressive parental interference.

Marissa - posted on 12/03/2012

This is a hard thing to respond too given the fact that I myself am a new step-parent. So I am going to tell you how it feels to be on the outside (girlfriend/stepmother) looking in. I joined this site, in hopes of getting some advice on my own question," and your paragraph came up. I read it and thought to myself "WOW! there are other mothers out there who think like my husbands ex"

Now mind you I have known my step child since she was 6yrs and she is about to turn 15. Her father and I just got married, and we have our up and downs, but bc she is with her mom more than with us I can't say things are always bad.

We have a similar situation, and we always have her mother putting guilt trips on us like " she is always bored and we dont do anything blah blAH" I honestly detest when she thinks this. That bc her daughter comes to stay with us we are supposed to somehow entertain her?? We go out for dinner, we watch movies, breakfast family functions here and there, but we dont have the money for every wknd to take her somewhere. I am sorry to say this doesn't make you a bad father. It is wrong that her mother doesn't explain that or teach her that coming to her fathers isn't a vacation. It's a second home. We are not going to roll the red carpet out every time she comes to our house.

Another thing similar. Her father doesn't put his daughter down at all, but he does tell her certain acts of behavior, bc he isnt there everyday and when she comes off as "we do nothing for her and her mom does everything" he is going to teach her that quality time even just doing homework together is nice since there are alot of dead beat fathers out there that do nothing for their children. He may also give her chores at the house, or advice on how to talk to people ect, bc she needs to learn from someone that it isn't the end of the world that she has to sets of parents.

She gets almost everything she wants, and has always been treated as if she were my own. I just don't understand why she thinks she should be treated special bc she comes to our house Sat-Mon. Life should be kept as normal as possible. Not only that but with the cost of child support (which can be more then 2 cars payments put together) how there is any money left at the end of the month to really do a lot.??

Maybe your ex and you should really find out if the problem is that he has a girlfriend and she thinks there is no time for her? Maybe guilt trips on either end are wrong. You both decided to have a child, and didn't plan on ending things(or whatever the sit is), but it is what it is. You both should really find out what the real problem is before blameing it on just the father. Ive seen my step-daughter go back-n-forth with telling us things she doesn't like about her mothers husband, or I have been accused of making her feel that she isn't wanted there when that isn't even true. Sometimes these kids just need a little extra attention. Try looking at it in both ends. I know mothers are always extra proctive of their kids , but sometimes give the good fathers some slack. Maybe just being with her is enough for him.

Adam - posted on 11/28/2012

I was divorced ten years ago. In that time only one serious relationship. After she started to criticize my my children and I could feel they felt my attention and devotion was more towards her. I broke up with her. My three kid's loved coming to my house. My X Wife never gave me any problems. Whenever I could spend time with them even above the order visitation rights I had, she was very accomandating ten years ago my boys were three and seven. My little girl was six. I tell you and all Mom's out there, ten years latter and I've lost the two oldest. In the beginning they loved coming to Dad's. I did not have much money. But if you put the time in you can find lots of fun things to do with your kids. For little or no money. The city pool, various small muesums, I was a member of the Buffalo Zoo for seven years- this included many free activities, nature trails etc.

We had so much fun then. I have thousands of pictures of how happy we all were. Even though I can look at them without breaking down. Those pictures are worth more than gold to me.

You the diffence asked between boys and girls. I tell you now there is. I stressed to my daughter over the course of eight years, when she was a big time Daddy's girl. I didn't harp. I did make clear. That when she becomes an adult she must be able to support herself and never depend on a man. Never become so serious in a future relationship, before you can take care of youself. On your own. As time passes things change. Some persons break their oaths. I never want my daughter to be trapped in a relationship. For reason of fear of how to provide for herself or even perhaps my future Grandchildren. I'm proud to say that in took. She is a high honor student and a very independent young woman. About the age you spoke of 13-14 years old she just didn't want to come to my house anymore. Our special Daddy Daughter dates came to an end. I know she loves me. For the years I've bit my tounge with her Mother. She allows me in the house. I still make sure to tell that I love her and how proud I am of her. She does return by saying she loves me. But it just isn't the same. She is 16 though. I miss my little girl so much. You see Fathers worry more for there daugthers simply because they know by the very fact of being a man. How a lot of men think and behave. We know when there intentions are noble and when there just looking at woman as a means to satisfity there end. A lot of women fall for this, "bad boy" mocho bs. Believe me I know nice guys finish last. For now I live only to see my yougest boy who still comes to Dad's. I loves being with me.

As to contrast my oldest Son 17 does not come to Dad's anymore. I tell him I love him. He also will return an ,I love you Dad. Sometimes even him at 6' 4" and me at 5' 10 will give my a hug and a kiss when I stop over his Mother's. He now has a girlfriend who also is a high honer student. I stressed to my boys to be gentlemen and respect woman. But to also not to fall for a woman who is not loyal or kind hearted. You see men have to follow their gut and ask themselves is this a woman that is willing not to stray at the opptunity some one better comes along.

As for my youngest boy we still have great times. But he will be 14 soon. I know all children our uniqiue. My hope is he stay's the way he is. Exited to come to Dad's and lights up when he sees me.

As far as myself if the youngest goes the way of the oldest two. I don't know what I will do. I know all my children love. I know they love their Mom too. For when they asked I always told them what happened between me and their Mom is not their concern. I would tell them she is the Mother and I am your Father and nothing will ever change that. But when I'm home all alone, I'm so lost. I'm blessed with a good job but after I pay support and bills. I can't afford to date. Reader please don't take this as complaining about child support. Their Mother is a good Mother. It gives me great pride to know that my children will know I have never been late or skipped out on supporting my them. It's just night after night alone counting the days until Eric comes over. The very thought that that may end too. Leaving me all alone and sad. I know idea how to deal with lonliness. I go to work come home make something to eat maybe catch a seinfeild rerun maybe surf the web a little and sleep and repeat. Is this how life should be lived. Wacthing youself get older and older as life goes on. Till you eventually die. So to conclude don't consider your problem such a problem. There are some people out there that would welcome your problem.

Jennifer - posted on 11/20/2012

Wow! To the absent father, I commend you! I hope you get to have visitations with your son soon. You could check into court ordered counseling if your son is below a certain age. Also, if it is that bad, and as horrible as it may sound, you may have to hold your ex in contempt of court for violating any visitation order. My fiance' and i are currently going through a legal procedure due to a similar matter. The thing is, his children and I love each other very much. It just happens that it is his ex-wife who has the problem and his children are worried that their mother will be mad at them or they will get into trouble if they tell her they like me. I hope everything works out for you. Good luck in your journey.

Jennifer - posted on 11/20/2012

My fiance' and I are currently having a similar problem with his 11yr old daughter, but in reverse. His ex-wife is putting guilt trips on the daughter when she wants to visit with us because her mother NEVER takes her out anywhere for leisure, and rarely does she cook at home. My fiance and I have known one another for 25 yrs. His daughter really likes spending time with us. Her and I have A LOT in common. I also have a 9yr old daughter, and they get along very well. Recently, my fiance' started to make a few changes with some legal issues; his ex wife had been taking advantage of his financial standing for a couple of yrs. He had to make a change in his career as well which resulted in a significant change in his wages. He is a very devoted father who never let his children OR ex-wife go without, and is present at his kids' sporting events, school programs, etc. He has even taken days off work, which we can't afford, to take care of if one/both stay home from school just so his ex wife could go to work.It has put us in financial bindings in the past.But that never changed the relationship between us and his kids. When we have had visitations, we try to do what we can to keep them from being bored. We do travel and take them places to ensure their "fun time." I've noticed a very dramatic change in the daughter's overall demeanor and attitude. She ONLY talks about boys and wants to be on her iphone when she is with us. She has noticed her father gets a little unnerved when she talks about these boys whom she says are "just friends." She has asked me if her dad gets mad when she talks about boys. I advise her to maybe sit down and talk with him. My fiance' is a very reasonable and logical man. He is attentive, caring, and sensitive to his childrens' needs. As I've said, I've never known a more devoted and doting father. She knows A LOT about sex; much more than an 11yr old girl should; more than a 30 something adult should probably know. From my understanding, her mother was very promiscuous around that age as well. I know the mother doesn't discipline the children and pretty much allows them to do whatever they want without supervision, or she'll buy them things to keep them occupied. She allows the daughter to wear very dark make-up and revealing clothes. Is it possible the daughter is already having sex with boys and she wants to stop visitations with her father for fear that he will find out or will just know? As a concerned future step-mother, I would like to be there for her, and she knows she can talk to me about anything in the world. She has confided in me on many occassions. My fiance' has many concerns about this and has come to me with questions I'm assuming because I have raised 3 girls of my own. I'm just not sure how to answer his questions. Let's just say that when my 18yr old had sex for the 1st time, she acted different and my fiance's daughter is behaving the same way as my daughter did. We mothers certainly have instincts like no other.

Rachel - posted on 11/19/2012

Becky Glenn,



I am sorry for your experience. But if you read what I wrote, I was talking about these women who say that there child is bored, ot their child doesnt want to or its its too far away, or the father doesn't pay enough child support. Not one of these women talked about any real mis treatment of their child. Let me assure yu that I don't think any child should be placed in abusive situation.



My father was an abusive man and we left him when I was very young. I have no more respect for anyone than my mother as she never said a bad word about my father and still made sure we had a relationship with him in a safe way. These women that complain that their husaband is doing something wrong just because they are bitter or they are insecure makes me so angry.



I have seen what it can do to a father. My husband has two children from another marriage and he has tried so hard to have a relationship with his children. He is a loving father and has had nothing but nastiness bitterness and spite from his ex wife ever since they seperated and divorced (and she was the one who left him for another man).

'

The children have been extremely affected by the whole mess. This woman is so bitter and nasty that anytime they have a disagreement or anytime my husband wont agree to a swap in certain dates etc (and he would only not agree if we already had plans with the kids) she will tell the kids that "daddy is mean because he wont let you be with me" . This woman has messed with these kids heads from a young age. Telling them stories that just aren't true. She has aslo told the parents at their school all sorts of stories. My favourite one was when she told people at school that my husband and I are drug addicts. Luckily the parents only took a few months to work out what the turht actually was.



These kids suffer so much. Thay are told to sit at the top of the stairs to listen to conversations and they are to report anything back to their mother. They are made to keep secrets from us. Ie. she is not meant to enrol them or change their schools without signed agreement from their father. But she tries to anyway and makes them keep it a secret. If they take anything from out house to their mothers house she tells them that they are not allowed to have it in her house and they have to take it back. The youngest child says she gets upset when she goes back to her mums because all her mum does is say bad things about us.



The oldest child is so messed up that she is prone to violent outbursts. We tried to get her to see a psychologist but her mother refused this. She has now decided (much because of her mothers insistance for years) that she no longer wants to come to our house. She is 12 and is going through puberty and is already mixed up enough. Her sister still comes but was told by her mother "you shouldn't be going there I don't know why you still are".



The oldest child has told people that my husband was physically abusive towards her and has told people that I used to hit her and her sister all the time when they were little. This is a complete lie!



So I read some of these post where the mother talks about what a drag it is for her kids to go to their fathers and it infuriates me. These children, as all children are extremely influenced by their mothers attitude to the father. They listen and absorb everything that is said and it affects them. They make decisions based on their mothers attitude and not on their own. A 13 year old is not old enough to understand the consequences of cutting ties with a parent. Psychological studies show that children need both parents. (As long as both parents are not harming the child) . These kids who hate their father eventually grow up and have a mind of their own and many will resent their mother from keeping them from having a relationship with their father whether is be active or passive interference.



Even if they don't resent their mother they will suffer because of the lack of time they have spent with their fathers. It makes me so angry that women (and men) put their personal issues in front of the well being of their children. I find is pathetic and selfish. I have a beautiful child and will always put his needs before my own, I also love my step children and would put their needs before my own, which means I do not spend my time being nasty or talking poorly about their mother,no matter how awful she is, because at the end of the day it is their mother and they should be allowed to love her and feel good about her, just as they should be allowed to love and feel good about their father.



The



The youngest

Shannon - posted on 11/12/2012

well first and for most, no money is not a good reason not to go to her dads house,money isn't everything. but on the contre she is old enough to make her own choices,about going but... i would ask dad to meet you half way maybe one night instead .of 2 ..

Shenna - posted on 11/07/2012

Your daughter is at the age where honesty is key tell her like it is. Tell her if it bothers her south she doesn't have to go and let her know what a guilt trip is and how she doesn't have to take one! That's bad on dad's behalf for using that! And then he doesn't take her out or do anything with her once she gets over to his house. -_- I'm not sure if she has expressed everything you know about the situation to you or you know because you've read the situation yourself. If this is putting stress upon your daughter tell her to text you when she's ready to come home and you just show up to pick her up. So what if you end up being the bad guy what does your ex's opinion have to do with your daughters mental stability. She is at a fragile age as well easily impressed upon. The more positive her surroundings the better. You also need to have a talk with dad and dads girlfriend, let them know what they are doing and how they are doing wrong and let them know how they can improve. You won't have fans but you will have a happier daughter!

Redbear - posted on 10/30/2012

I was searching for the topic 'Why divorce kids should see their dads' and came across this series of posts. If it's not too out of bounds, I'd like to offer the dad's point of view:



I am heading into the third year of my ex using the excuse 'he doesn't want to' for why my youngest son haven't seen each other; I insisted on counseling but since he didn't participate fully, there was no final determination on why and the only recommendation the counseling center's student intern could make was, 'if he doesn't want to, then he doesn't have to'.



I can't tell you the frustration and heartbreak that my ex's passive interference has caused me; I've sat up at nights crying and praying that God would return my son to me and have finally gotten to the point where I need to get the court involved. This is not where it should have gone.



The truth is that we need our parents whether we are kids or adults and they need us so, in absence of documented physical or substance abuse, send your kids to their dad's no matter what.

Becky - posted on 10/18/2012

Rachel Harris, I think it's important to remember that not everyone's father is a good or even decent man. I struggled after my divorce; every man in my family, from my brother to my uncles and grandfathers, cousins, and my own father, are good men who love and cherish their wives and children dearly and will do anything for any of us. They are involved men, who coached their children's ball teams, were present at events, supported home life, worked hard, and took their children to church three times a week. The men in my family love their children's mothers and treat them properly and show full respect and love to their own mothers. To my unpleasant surprise, after I married what I believed was a man much like my own dad, the abuse began. The cheating began shortly after that. The indifference to his children began while I was pregnant. The facade was put up, and no one had any indication that these things were taking place.



My daughter saw these things. She knew her mother was being abused. It terrified her. After we left, and she was ordered to see him, SHE was abused. Now, knowing that we can afford the best attorney in the state, he won't lay a hand on her, but the continual emotional abuse is literally sickening. She's watched the cycle of abuse continue with several of his girlfriends (ladies that she and I both liked very much). She is only 9 and is about to buckle under the mental stress of it all. When I don't want to send her to her father's because she's begging through tears that she doesn't want to go through it again, am I being selfish? Is sending her into it even sort of the right thing to do?



Before you talk about moms in our shoes being petty and selfish, let me just assure you that my daughter has pressed me to tell her details about her father's abuse toward me, that I will not share with her because I don't want there to be a time where she or anyone might believe that I swayed her perspective of him. He's done that all on his own, and when she doesn't want to go, no one in the world could blame her. I'm not selfish, and neither is any woman whose children are emotionally or physically neglected when they're with their fathers. It's not right, and if the loving parent is at home wishing that she could have her children with her so that they could be paid attention to and listened to and treated like they're SOMEONE, and not just a lump on the couch...then why should the children have to endure the monthly pain of being reminded that their other parent doesn't care one iota about them or his relationship to them? How is that good for them? If he wants a relationship with them, then he can HAVE one; until he wants to have one, the kids should not have to be subjected to a parent that ignores them, emotionally abuses them, talks poorly about their other parents, and leaves them home alone while he goes out to have fun with the girlfriend for the whole weekend. That is NOT a relationship, and will only further cause the children to despise him for how he makes them feel.

Michelle - posted on 10/16/2012

It is a frustrating situation is all I can say and I can relate, I have a 7yr old little girl whom is my life and my shadow. She spent nights at her dads not this summer but last and since school started last year did not and then when she did he allowed her to share a bed with one of her two older brothers one being 10yrs old and one being 14yrs old thinking nothing wrong with. His house is a guys house, him, his two sons and then his brother (in his late 20's). Never showed any real intest in our daughter and now in last 6months is and since his girlfriend is around with her 5yr old daughter whom they allow to share a bedroom on weekends. Our daughter does not want to spend night and is not in parenting plan but he is pushing to have her every other weekend and overnights and she is beside herself and has a meltdown over idea of having to. And then to top it off, I am told her feelings don't matter. It is tearing me apart.

Jenny - posted on 10/13/2012

Oh my goodness, we have the very same problem. I am not the type of mom who would ever try to keep my children from their dad. I believe children need both parents to be involved in their lives, especially after divorce. However, my children's dad suffers from bipolar and is nice with the kids one minute and a monster the next. He too operates on guilt trips and threats. My 17 year old daughter is supposed to stay with her dad while I am out of town, (starting tmo.) She is so scared and doesn't want to go. He is making threats and demanding she be there by noon. I know she doesn't "have" to go (per court order) because she is old enough to make the decision to stay with which ever parent she chooses. But with me going out of town for 10 days, does she "have" to stay with him when he is the only parent in town to care for her? Her best friend's family loves her and has invited her to stay with them while I am away. I just don't know if she legally has to be with her dad because she is under 18?

Staci - posted on 09/12/2012

I have 3 kids, 17, 15, 10. None of my 3 want to even deal with their father. We divorced 7 yrs. ago and my 17 yr. old use to make up reasons why he could not go to see him until he turned 16 and just said he refused to go. My other 2 hate going too but don't want the father to give me problems. When they ARE with him, they amuse themselves inside the house on computers while he goes out and does his normal life routine. I have moved 400 mi. away (with his permission) and he told them that 2 weeks a year is enough to see them but then if they do not answer him when he calls their cell phones, not only do I get a nasty text from him complete with swearing, but so do the 15 and 10 year olds.

But there was a lot of hard feelings as he was not the optimal parent lol. I tell mine that I have to adhere to the court until they are old enough to make the decision. Don't know what else to do more out of fear of the father having a hissy fit and upsetting the kids.

Morgan - posted on 09/07/2012

my daughter is turning 15 and she has had the same problem sense she was 9 she finely just stood up for her self and told him she didn't want to go anymore and she hasn't talked to him very much sense that. but she is starting to feel guilty. because her father got remarried and he has 2 kids. and everyone keeps telling her to go but she doesn't want to. she keeps bring it up to me and she said if she would ever go again it would be just to see the kids. but no your not the only one out there i felt like that to when it started to happen but i asked around and i actually found out that there is A LOT of mothers and daughters out there just like you and your daughter.

Jennifer - posted on 09/06/2012

my daughter is almost 16, and she has had enough of going to her dad's. he is selfish and so absorbed with his new girl friend and their life, my daughter has had enough.

my older daughter has left for college, and four months before she left my ex convinced her to move in with him saying she wouldnt have any rules and she could come and go as she pleased. he even went as far as host an under age drinking party for her and her friends ( his girl friend purchased the liquor). more court dates.

my younger daughter will not be bought she just wants to spend time with him, and have him be a father and not a friend.



the sad thing is that my ex thinks i am filling her head with these ideas, he even asks her, " are these your mother's words coming out of your mouth"

it is shocking, she is at a point where she no longer talks to him, he is like a child.

i told my ex, there are no words I can speak that are louder then his actions.

the whole thing is sad for the children. :(

Jennifer - posted on 08/27/2012

my daughter is 11 and she hates her father she has watched him put me threw hell...he bashed my head and pulled me down the stairs...and she watched him try to run her uncles over with is car and almost pin a 6 year ols boy up against the house....and then a few months later watched her father get beat up cause his gf cut some guy off while driveing and he fallowed her home instead of going to the police...that guy almost killed her father and his gf while she watched...if he dont get his way he says hes going to kill me and my daughter...I have taken him to court many time and they do nothing...I have a court order that he gets her every other weekend...I drive her 2 hours up there and 2 hours home....I have to make her go...and she dont want to....I am in the mix of tryn get his rights taken away again for threats to kill us.....she is in harms way and I still have to send her...so if you ladys dont have to send them and not get into trouble ...then go for it....he has also taken her from me 3 times and I paid 10,000 in a lawyer to get her back when she was 2 months old and then again when she was 1 and then again when she was 3 and when she was 5.....the courts dont care as long as they get there money....so tell me what mothers should do to protect there kids from people like this cause this mother is doing the right thing to protect her child.....you may not know her whole story there could be more...you dont know but give her a break

Rachel - posted on 08/16/2012

MJbruer, Reading your post, it sounds like you have no respect for your ex husband and the importance of his time with his own kids. Going an hour and a half away from their friends to have a relationship with HIS children should be a priority for you. Your ex deserves a relationship with his children and his children deserve a relationship with him too, just as much as you do.

Maybe its your attitude towards him that has rubbed off on these children. If you actually stuck up for him and made it a priority to go you might find thier attitude is better. I am sick of reading about all of these women complaining that their ex wants a meaningful relationship with their own children. You don't own these kids and neither should you. They have a right to love both of their parents and should be strongly encouraged to do so.

"Protecting" your children from being bored or having to be an hour and a half away from their friends are not valid excuses for your children not to see their father. None of you have said that your ex is abusive to your children, just that its inconvienient for your children. Seriously, have a good look at yourselves and do not put your own bitterness and agenda on your children. The will not thank you for it when they are older. Some of you may have new partners and your children may well love them and get along well with them, but they still deserve the right to love their own fathers as well. Put your children first! Stop talking yourself and your children in to being unhappy about going to their fathers. I can gaurentee that if you are respectful and encouraging those children to have a meaningful relationship with him then they will. But while you are making excuses for yourself to put accross your own agenda, your children will be unhappy.

When these children become adults they will seek a meaningful relationship with their father and it may well be you left out in the cold. Change your attitudes before karma changes t your situation. Put yourself in their fathers shoes. He no longer has them as often and is doing the best he can to form bonds with his children. Try and imagine what that must be like for them as well and treat them the way you would want to be treated in those circumstances. You may even find that if you change your attitude he will change his and the kids will be happier too. After all it is all about the kids.

Chris - posted on 08/12/2012

Is she a young person who is appreciative? 13 is a tough age. I wouldn't say it's okay for her to not go and I wouldn't say she has to go either-I just think teenagers need their father and it is a fathers Job to care enough to parent their children. I am not a fan of the labeling however, is she appreciative? Is there any truth to what Dad is saying?

MJbruer - posted on 08/11/2012

I just got back from court yesterday on this matter. My kids are 16 and 13 and they have to go an hour and a half away from their friends and activities to see their dad. The dad has guilted them and yelled at them for not wanting to go and their relationships are terrible with him. But the court protects HIS TIME at their expense and though the court gave them control over which days they go, they still have to serve a sentence of the same number of visitation days per year.

My kids are making a chart of the number of days so they can count them down. How pathetic that the court only cares about the guy who left us and doesn't care about the kids' NEED to stay involved with a peer group or be able to keep a job etc. The one who decided to divorce gets REWARDED with time with kids who are FORCED to be there. If you don't take them you are in contempt of court.

SAD SAD MOM here. I feel so guilty and sad for them

Rachel - posted on 08/09/2012

If roles were reversed and you didn't get to see your daughter as much as you wanted, you really don't know how you would react. It's hard enough for a father to relate to their daughter at 13. But even harder when she is only around on weekends and is "bored" because he hasn't enough money to take her out. The important thing is the relationship he wants to have and not the money he has to buy material things.

Rachel - posted on 08/09/2012

Your child doesn't want to go there because she is bored? She is 13. All 13 year olds get bored. I wonder how much of her attitude comes from your feelings towards your ex. I am a step mother and for years I have watched my husband suffer because his ex does not encourage his children to have a relationship with him. She can be quite disrespectful and derogatory towards him. I have had to put up with her telling people that the kids don't like me either.

The fact is I have always had a great relationship with his kids. Just recently the 12 year old has gone through puberty and has become quite an angry and violent child. Whenever we have tried to discipline her for poor behavior, her mother has undermined us. Her mother has told her that there is nothing wrong with her behavior when even her school has talked about her behavior to us.

Teenagers can be quite dramatic and if you jump on their band wagon you are fueling the fire. You are contributing to the issues. You may not agree with everything your ex does but he does deserve the respect and ability to be a parent to the child in his own right. YOUR daughter is HIS daughter too.

The fact that he doesn't have any money to do anything should not be a slur on him. He should be allowed to just spend time with his daughter. After all it's the relationship and not materiistic things that will shape your daughter. I can tell you right now that my husband struggled financially for years after his divorce because of the amount he had to pay his ex wife for child support. He still had to feed and clothe his children when they were with him.

If you want your child to respect you when she is an adult you need to encourage her to see her father. I can also speak from experience. My mum and dad split when I was young. My mum made us visit our father even though we didn't want to. She also encouraged us to go and talked.the visit up. She didn't buy into our issues and drama. I can honestly say I have more respect for my mother than anyone because of the mature way she handled the situation.

Your child is still a child and an impressionable one at that. They are sponges and absorb all that ges on around them. They will side with you when there is animosity because they live mostly with you and you are closest to them. This is no reason to take the relationship with their father from them. Girls need good relationships with their fathers to develop properly psychologically and to learn to foster relationships with the opposite sex. Boredom is not a good enough reason to sever their relationship.
As for lectures about not appreciating anything. Your child is 13. I am sure you feel that way at times too. Cut your ex a break. He has a much tougher time establishing a relationship with his daughter as he doesn't have her in his house full time.

Rebecca - posted on 08/01/2012

Wow! This is very interesting to read that so many people are going through, or have gone through, similar things we are going through. I have to say, though, that being the step-mother of a 13 year old girl is not easy. I have been in her life since before she was 1 year old. So, up until about 2 years ago, she and I got along famously, despite the occasional, but regular flare-ups between her mother and my husband and I. In our situation, my step-daughter is supposed to visit us every other weekend, but we see her about once a month, if we're lucky, and luckier still if she stays the whole weekend. I understand family conflict is difficult, but we all have to learn and work through it to grow and figure things out. Her mother, however, cannot be neutral and let her daughter form her own relationship with her father (and I). Of late, she has been upset because her younger siblings at our house, she claims, are treated differently than she is, although my husband and I make a very strong effort to make sure we treat them equally. What she doesn't understand, though, is that there are differences based on age appropriateness and behaviors exhibited. My step-daughter's mother is always trying to handle her battles for her, no matter what it is (i.e. conflicts with peers at school, concerns with things at our house, etc.). We cannot have debates, conversations or anything that has any intensity or even uncomfortable aspects to it or we will be berated by her mother. From my perspective, and in our situation, my step-daughter only wants to come over if we are doing something special and it's like she feels we should do special things every time she comes over. She doesn't want to come over just to spend a weekend. That is not right, as far as I'm concerned, because that would put her on a pedestal above the other kids and wouldn't be fair. She is part of this family and that includes fun times and boring times and just regular old working around the house times. She knows that all she has to do is call her mom and her mom will tell us what to do. It's extremely frustrating when her mother only encourages her to 1) call mommy when there's a problem so she'll never learn to stand up for herself, 2) to think that if we love her, we'll do what she wants, and 3) makes her feel guilty for loving her father, so much so, that she cannot enjoy herself when she's at our house. This is a story that could go on for quite some time, but I will spare you from more detail. My point here is that I see these blogs from the bio-moms and I know it's hard for you to go through this as well, but nobody seems to understand why the fathers are the way they are. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be involved inyour child's life. They do care, but they need to be given the respect and space to parent their child...mistakes included...as you do. When your daughter goes to her father's house, she shouldn't just be showered with attention and gifts, special trips, etc, just because she came over, she should be treated like a normal part of his family. It's not so much about standing up to him, either (at least in our situation) but learning how to approach and talk with her father.

Sara - posted on 07/05/2012

my daughter is 15 and is pretty much a built in babysitter at her fathers house he has 2 other children from another relationship. we have a custody agreement she is with me sun -thurs and he has her thurs - sun recently she has decided she doesnt want to go there i have gone and filed a new visitation modification. because they do not let her do anything oh and by the way he lives with and has joint custody of his other 2 kids with HIS MOM . all they tell her they are gonna kick her out. wont fix her bike so she can play ride be a kid. she complains there this not enough food there to eat. i dont think i should force her to go if she doesnt want to go. and so she has been here with me for a week its thursday again and he telling her hes coming to get her. when she doesnt want to go

Jasmine - posted on 06/21/2012

yes my daughter is 15 and has been going through this since 11 she goes every other weekend she recently decided to go for the summer because also he made her feel guilty she hates it tried to talk to him about it didnt work so now ill b going to get her he will have to take me to court im not having it

Elizabeth - posted on 05/24/2012

My daughter is 10 years old and she also doesn’t like going to her dad because he gets upset and tells her 'she is like me angry and full of myself'.

Don’t worry, when she is ready to stand up to him, she will be find. But is she not old enough to make a choice not to go to her dad?

Serena - posted on 05/08/2012

I have been separated from my ex for almost a year pending him paying for divorce he stopped paying for out house last oct 2011 an I was an at home mom for 13 years so I am finding it hard to find a job,an couldn't keep house from being taken so now I am faced with moving in with my boyfriend an my ex is freaking out an wants to get me an apartment etc..I don't trust him an my kids all don't wanna see him they are happy here with me as they have been all their life they love my boyfriend but my ex is a complete control freak he forces kids to go with him an they always call me wanting to come home an my daughter cries every time I leave her.
My ex is being a total jerk an says he is gonna fight me an not pay child support if I live with my boyfriend well we are planning on marriage an no matter what he is gonna be a part of their life,can he get custody of them as long as my boyfriend is an outstanding citizen ? He has never been arrested or done drugs but my ex says he heard from someone he was so wants him to pass a drug test before our kids can be around him, my boyfriend has had the same job for 17 years he is an amazing step dad also wanna see if they will force my boyfriend to go to court with me?

Melissa - posted on 03/15/2012

i am a mother of 3 my older 2 are from my ex husband and i am going throught the same thing...i hate sending my 11 year old daughter and 7 yr old son but its court ordered he always treats them like they are against him when they dont wanna go and when they do his girlfriend and him treat them like crap and say that everything they do is wrong ugh...she has two kids as well and they treat them great...idk what to do/??so i dont think gender has anything to do with it =/

Amanda - posted on 03/12/2012

My dad is pretty much the same way with me.im constantly lectured about the same things as your daughter.If he has to buy me something he throws a fit about it.if i ask to go somewhere i get told he doesnt have any money, yet he always takes my little sister anywhere she wants to go and he never invites me. I also get lectured and questioned about why i wont go see my dad. im lectured about that by him, his fiancee and his entire side of the family. they all know why i wont go there.

Laurie - posted on 01/07/2012

ok here's one, my daugheter is 13, her dad cheated, lied and manupliated her feelngs for 3 years, tearing her world apart several times. He is a extream bi polar, been off work 4 times, 8 wks each for stress, and sexual addiction, 2 known suicide attempts and she is petrified to go with him for very long. I dont blame her.. he claims he will drag her out kicking and screaming.. and I will not put my daughter in a situation where she is scared, and uncomfortable.. that to me.. dad or not, would be like saying... no you hafta go hang out with all this kids that are mean, doing drugs, drinking or whatever... really.. no thanks. The fact that my daughter feels safe and secure is the most important factor!!!

Mechelle - posted on 10/21/2010

I am going through the same thing but my daughter is 6. I am blamed for everything that goes on including the things they are doing to her mentally and emotionally. I would say get counseling first so she can get this off her chest. At age 12 they are allowed to chose in courts. I do not think that her wishes are childish she is being treated unfairly stuff any child should not go through. I would just stand behind her and if she says no you tell him she said no goodbye! If she doesnt want to talk to him dont force her. My opinion as a mother

Andrea - posted on 10/19/2010

Same thing starting here. My daughter is 11 and is not enjoying her weekends at dads. She's bored. No friends there. He does nothing with her. The stepmom does nothing with her either. Just cleaning the hosue, work in the yard, maybe go to the library, maybe swim once in a blue moon. He spends no money on her to take her to the movies or anywhere and rarely buys her clothes, etc. He makes a lot of money too..so he can well afford it, he's just cheap. My daughter has been in therapy on & off since our divorce at age 2. My ex is very controlling, manipulative and deceitful. He walked out on co parent counseling and refuses to co parent with me for the most part. My daughter is very fearful of standing up to her dad and being anything but the perfect child when there. Then she comes home and freaks out after her weekend. Its not fun. I hate it. The counselor has tried to work with her to give her her voice but she is just too scared..scared he'll "leave" her again somehow and wont be her dad. He controls our every move- medical, travel, school, etc..but he doesnt really care..its just to control us. She is with me 86% of the time but we have joint custody. If she chooses to not see him at some point I'm all for it. He makes no effort to be a parent and has been told by numerous counselors for the last 9 years to make effort or when she's a teen its gonna hit the fan. I would like her to have a good relationship with her father..but I cant change him.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/09/2010

Darlene,
Your daughter is old enough to make the decion to visit or not.

Elizabeth - posted on 10/09/2010

Angela,
The Child doesn't want to visit her father, personally I don't blame her.

Kelleigh - posted on 10/08/2010

When my daughter was going through this with her dad, the yelling, guilt trips and lectures, on top of that her step siser was close to perfect! It was really hard on her.. Finally at the age of 15, I really let her have the control over her visits.. He tried to all the tricks and even verbally attacked me but I didn't let him bully me or her any longer. Told him that if he wants to have a relationship with his teenage daughter, he needed to be more flexible, over time he got use to it and calmed down and they actually started having father daughter nights, instead of full weekends. It took time but it did get better. For some people change is hard.

Chrissy - posted on 10/07/2010

I know that this post is "old" but it's interesting to read how some of the mom's are almost defending (?) the father....my daughter is only 11 and has made her own decision to not go to her dad's. He has tried to guilt her into going, but she stood her ground. I don't talk to her father, only to his gf, and she tells me (with him in the background telling her) that he wants to see her. I simply tell them that she don't want to go, she is at an age where she can make a decision about it. Her reasons were more than enough for me to stand the ground with her. (she was sleeping on the floor, was babysitting her younger siblings, had no clothes other than what I sent her in that fit her...yeah she didn't want to go, I was not going to force her) Now if she were any younger, then no she was going...unless there were specific reasons she didn't want to go, other than I just want to stay home with you or go hang out with my friends. My point is, there is always a reason.

Ginamarie - posted on 10/07/2010

Is your ex-husband a twin of my ex-husband? Their guilt trips sound identical! I am the mom of the two greatest young men on the planet, but both of my boys went through the same thing with their dad- they didn't want to spend a lot of time with him ( not because of a g/f) and did everything in their power to get out of it. First of all, what state do you live in? We got divorced in NJ and then moved back to California where at the age of 15 the child has the right to decide. Second-- why does your ex think that your daughter is anti-social? because she's shy? Or having a hard time processing the divorce or his GF?

That doesn't make her anti-social, it makes her a teenager--and a girl at that. If kids are fed negative comments, they often end up believing them. We were supposed to split the summers evenly between the two of us- but it never worked out that way- one son was in football, the other had activities- but most importantly-- their friends were not near their dad. We tried for 2 summers to divide things evenly- but he would often call and say to come get them --that it was too stressful and he needed his space. He didn't want them the same amount of time, he just wanted to control me and the boys .My oldest never did stand up to his dad about the time he spent with him, because my ex liked to stir up trouble and my oldest didn't want their dad to take out his frustrations on his younger brother. My ex is big and tall ( 6'5) and one summer my youngest found that he could look his dad square in the eye and not worry about the consequences- he literally looked him square in the eye and told him that he wanted to spend time near his friends. My ex that he could no longer intimidate the boys. Next topic-- your ex's present GF-- is she nice? Can you stand to be around her without vomiting? Your daughter is keenly aware of all of this.

Talk to your daughter and find out exactly WHY she doesn't want to go over... does she not like the GF? Is the girlfriend nice to her? Or view your daughter as Cinderella? Thirteen -year- olds ( girls or boys) , often feel like they have no control over their lives--and puberty certainly doesn't help that feeling any...

If your ex is truly concerned about your daughter's well-being, he will talk to her- and maybe work out a different arrangement for visitation- you can't appreciate something if you are being forced to do it. Does he want to really be with HER- or does he want to control her--(and you)? Yes, she is going to need to stand up to him- but that is very scary.As a last resort, consult a lawyer about a child's visitation rights and when ( at what age) are her wishes legally binding. My youngest just turned 18 earlier this year and we all celebrated- because my son could make his own decisions without intimidation or blackmail--and I no longer had to listen to veiled threats of legal action. You seem to really know and understand your daughter-- now it's time her father did. Good luck - and no, it's not just a "girl thing".Keep us posted!

Rebecca - posted on 07/19/2009

all i have to say untill u walk a day in our shoes please dont judge us for what we have done and if we are having problems with the ex its not our fault they dont know how to grow up and become a parent instead a pal or a buddie... if your marraige was so fine why did u divorce is all i have to say .... and sorry but um i have moved on and could care less about what the hell he did and who he did it with since he was the accuser of the marriage and break up of the whole thing so step back and see what u are saying to some of us! or step off of here ! my opion if any one disagrees then keep it to urselfs... we are all diffrent in our divorces and some of our kids most of our kids go thro the same things .. DONT JUDGE US WE ARE MOTHERS TOO AND FAR FROM A HYPACRITE!

Yvonne - posted on 07/19/2009

Although it is hard.....and I know it is. I divorced when pregnant with my second, my first was 2. We went through many years of not wanting to go there.......tantrums...........boredom you name it. I always insisted they should go.......even when it ripped my heart out to send them. I always felt, if nothing else, I didn't want them to resent me, for keeping them from their dad.
My oldest is 23, my youngest 21. They now see that I did what I could for them, that I tried to keep them in touch with him. As adults they can choose to spend time with their dad or not. As Children, they don't get the option.
Rules are often different at each house. Not surprising a teenager would choose to spend the time where they feel more at home.
Your daughter does need to be more assertive. I always asked mine "if I did /or said that...what would you say to me?" She doesn' t have to be disrespectful, but she should be honest. You need to encourage the relationship, but let her work out the details. I PROMISE she will appreciate it in a few years. You are in the toughest spot at the moment. But it WILL calm down. She needs you on her side...not to do it for her.

Mandie - posted on 07/16/2009

This is clearly a very emotive issue; I've read most of these and I have to say I really feel for each of you. Divorce/Family break up is not easy on anyone. But one thing I have to say is that a lot of you are very focused on your ex's new partner/wife. I cant obviously speak to each of your circumstances and I think that any adult abuse of a child, whether that person is a parent or step parent, is the cruelest act in humanity and it deserves to be punished harshly.



But ladies please dont automatically judge by using the 'evil stepmother' stereotype. I know there are some very selfish and cruel stepmums out there; but some of us are not evil and do actually have your children's best interests at heart. My husband's ex has harmed the children physically (almost killed them) and emotionally for years and the courts feel that she still has a right to see them- 50% UNSUPERVISED custody actually. This is despite the findings of several family services groups to the contrary. I am not able, legally, to discuss the details of the attempted murders, but she served prison time for it, put it that way. Apparently she felt justified in her actions because of my hubby's new relationship with me; although I am told she has garnered sympathy by telling others we were having an affair. She got away with this as they had not made it public that they were separated, because of the children. As an example of the emotional harm, among many other things, she actually told the kids when they were very small, that I would send them to boarding school (we live in a major city, not remote country) like Cinderella's stepmother. I cant respect her for the fact that her need for them to hate me outweighed her concern about scaring them; and that she thought it was appropriate to take them away from everyone else who loves them via death. Their mother has been far more of a danger to them than I could ever be, but she still feels she has a right to dictate to me about how I care for them. I have never raised a hand to them and have sacrificed my career, gladly, to care for them and attend to their needs; since as you can imagine they have some very big issues now.



Also bear in mind that children will often tell BOTH parents what they want to hear in this situation. I know this for a FACT ladies as, now that my stepchildren are older they tell me that have in the past and will continue to 'lie' to their mother to- in their words- "get her to stop hassling us about you". I have told them that lies are not ok in any situation as they always make things worse but if they find it easier to 'go along to get along' then that's what they should do. I dont want to say they lie, because to them it is not a lie but sometimes they are so very overwhelmed by the adult responses to the situation it's the easiest response for them; especially if you are quizzing them to death and they KNOW you dont like their step-parent and/or your ex. I know it's not easy to accept that your children may be lying to you about their relationships with people you dont like; but I guarantee you that some of the time you are scaring them into it. Even if you dont yell etc, your questions are pressuring them. That said, I also know when they are 'lying' to us too because they think we will be mad if they tell us the truth. I deal with this by tellling them if they dont want to talk it's fine with me. Also remember kids are kids, they want things their own way; and perhaps the only advantage that 'divorced' kids have over other kids is that they have 2 families to manipulate. And manipulate they will if they think they can. For example my oldest stepchild recently tried to trick both parents into getting him the same VERY EXPENSIVE sport gear because he has learnt to play them off against each other. His reason? Because his mother wont let him keep anything that she pays for at our house and that way he wouldn't have to remember to bring things back and forth..... there it is ladies.



My point is, you need to HONESTLY decide if you are projecting your dislike of your ex and/or his new partner onto your kids. That is, do they really dislike them, or do they say/think they do because they know you do? You may also need to sacrifice your pride about another woman caring for your children and if she genuinely is a good person, let your children at least get some good out of a bad situation by having 2 women care well for them. You may or may not like that your relationship broke up and you might not have the situation the way you choose it; but like it or not that's life- things happen that we dont choose. But you are endangering your own relationship with your kids if you make their other parent and/or their new partner the focus of your family dealings.

Misty - posted on 07/16/2009

I have been going through the same thing over the last two years and I have girls. I finally went to see a lawyer to get supervised visitation, but depending on what state you live in, most states let the child decide in court whether they want to go there or not. I hope this helped some. She might need some counsiling to deal with the way he has treated her, cause the way he put the guilt trip on her can make her esteem level really low and thats not good for a child her age.

Sara - posted on 07/13/2009

How often does your daughter see her father other than the court order allows?