My 20 year old son hates me.

Leanna - posted on 08/13/2009 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Ok so here it is. My ex-husband is a pastor. Think he could be honest and trustworthy, wouldn't you? Well I guess even they can be ignorant! See our marriage was failing misserably and he knew it. I had been praying about it and so when he asked me for a seperation I took it as a sign that I was allowed to find happiness elsewhere. We had tried marriage counciling but when the Dr told him that he had to start paying attention, he felt he was being blamed and couldn't take it.

Anyhow, I left when asked. And yes I met another man and rather quickly. I met him on the internet first and in person a couple weeks later.

So now my ex decides he is going to brainwash my kids into believing that i was having an affair with this man that lived 250 miles away from me. The funny thing is, when I wasn't with my ex I was either with church members or my youngest daughter who still lived with us.

Anyway. My 2 youngest were so brainwashed against me by him that they wanted nothing to do with me at first. Then 4 months later my baby girl got into some trouble with the law and realized that she needed me for moral support. I ran to her.

I had never tried getting my children to believe in me. My baby girl was the one that told me that her dad had brainwashed her. And I believe it. Well my son still wants nothing to do with me. His father and I have both since remarried and I just dont get why my son wont tell me how I can fix things.

I dont know what I did to hurt him and I tell him all the time that I love him. He has blocked me from his emails and myspace and facebook. I text him and I dont even know if he reads them. It kills me. I dont know how to fix it. I have a friend who didnt talk to her dad for 10 years because she believed he left her mom for his current wife. I just hope it dont take that long!

It has almost been a year anbd I just crumble when I think about him and how much I miss him. I am so thankful for my new husband. He has so much support for me. He gives me encouragement all the time and tells me that one day my son will come around and he too will realize his father was wrong. But I dont know when that will happen or if I can even count on it happening at all.

Anybody got any suggestions. I just really want things to be right with my son. I dont know what I can do.

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Marie - posted on 08/19/2009

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My eldest refused to speak to me for 9 months, to the point of bullying his brother if I even asked about him. I prayed daily, and sent little messages in the subject lines of emails weekly. When I met them for our summer arrangements, he was cool, but thawed eventually. 2 weeks ago, he phoned me, hiding the call from his father, and we talked for 4 hours! :) Let me know if you want a copy of the prayer I said.

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Gerry - posted on 02/13/2014

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I sincerely empathise with you. I am in a similar position but my son is 34 and has a baby girl that I haven't seen since 4 weeks old. I love my son but don't like what he has become. Unfortunately boys, men, sons, brothers have great difficulty in thinking for themselves. It is my experience that there is always an underlying influence for their actions and it makes no logical sense to you. I lost the ability to communicate with my boy. Keep the lines of communication open, perhaps you could write him a letter. Do not pour out your guts to him males don't get that as they cannot take guilt. Just tell him that you love him and if and when he would like to say hi the door is always open. If and when you do reconcile don't bring up the past, just let bygons be bygons. Men cannot take drama on any level. I feel for you my friend as I know exactly what you are going through. Best of luck

Leanna - posted on 01/18/2014

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It has been over 4 years since I posted this & he still has nothing to do with me. I don't know that he ever will. I try to live with it. I try. Some days I just sit down and cry.

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I agree with Denise, that's what I have done and now they know that I am always going to tell the truth, but only if they ask. Some things they dont want to know so they dont ask but they will come around in their own time. It is very hard though, I know. Good luck with it all

Connie - posted on 09/15/2009

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Hello, blessings to you. I know just what you are saying. My partner of 15 years is going threw the same thing. Him and his wife divorced when their son was only 11. Before the divorce, she would let the son come and visit him and spend the weekend with him. They had a daughter at the time who had cancer and most of the attention was spent on her, the son didn't get much attention with the ex's family, even when they were married. When the daughter died, (more to that story) the ex decided that she wasn't going to allow the son to come and visit anymore, by the way i wasn't in the picture until about a year after they parted, anyway to make long story short, my partner had to move for a better job opp. He paid his support and tried to get visit with his son but she would say that he wasn't home or didn't want to talk to him. It has been at least 9 years since we have seen him. With all the money we have spent out to get his visits and support paid, he still has nothing to do with his dad. We have since got in touch with him and told him that we had done all we could to see him, that his mother wouldn't let us. He doesn't belivie us nor (he says) that he remember being with us on the weekends, and the things we did with him. So my answer to you would be let go and let god. (since you seem to belive in god), seems like you have done what you can do. Sometimes we just have to let go and just pray that god will have his will be done. I do understand also about the religion thing, there was a lot of ministers in our family that had set themselves up so high that they fell off!! God says to forgive, and it seems to me that your husband, a minister, is not doing what his job is. He has helped a broken heart break even more. Just be there when your son comes around, and he probably will one of these days when he learns the truth and knows within his heart that to forgive is the biggest gift we can give to ourselves and each other.
Blessings to you my friend. Connie Lawson

Cheri - posted on 09/14/2009

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I have not really had any time with my son for 11 years. I had some of the same things that all of you have gone thru. I cry often over him, but have to go on for the other kids I do have.

Marie - posted on 09/12/2009

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After my eldest's long call (noted above) I didn't hear from him for the last few weeks - until last night. He went away to University on Labor Day with a cell phone from his dad that I wasn't supposed to know about. Last night he called me on the 'secret' cell phone! To keep the peace, we hung up and I immediately called him back on my phone so the charges would be lower. We talked like 'old times' again!



I had spoken with his younger brother earlier, for less than 40 minutes, and his dad interrupted our conversation 3 times, asking what I wanted now. I only wanted to find out how their first weeks back to school were going; nothing to do with him. Keep praying, and sending little messages of love and concern. They will figure out who really loves them for who they really are!

Denise - posted on 09/11/2009

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oh boy leanne I'm going though some of this too. the best thing I can tell is dont bad talk his Dad @ all. He well come around .. my best friend went though this too and her sons are real close to her now because she didnt rebuke things and let them see it for what it truly was. My soon to be ex tries this with my two youngest (23&25). So I try and sit still until they out right ask me if some thing is true or not and I tell them the truth with proof to back me up.Keep the Faith he well come around.

Jennifer - posted on 08/19/2009

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Have you tried talking to your ex or having your current husband talk to him about the situation? Or is he not willing to fix the mess he created? Or even talk to his current wife. you may be able to get through to her to help you convince him to talk to your son? Now that he is remarried and hopefully happy he will be willing to rectify the situation.

Rhonda - posted on 08/17/2009

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well my situation is somewhat different but my 17 yr old son considers me just the woman who birthed him his dads current wifey #3 btw is his mom i am nothing this is what they have managed to teach him in the past two years, my ex had custody and current wifey got them in dicey situation and he was a day away from losing all three to me well he wanted to keep the oldest one to make him big football star (and i hope for my sons sake he makes it) so he signed the younger ones over to me but because of all court bs which has been laid at my feet because of there actions he blames me we used to have a very close relationship and all i can do now is wait for him to mature and see the light as of right now he still talks to me if this is what you want to call it i think hw would enjoy getting teeth pulled more but he has to when he turns 18 next year i have to wonder if he will but just be strong and know that you didnt do wrong and hopefully one day he will want to hear your side of it good luck

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