My 4yr old daughter chased my boyfriend away, how do I stop it in the future?

Carmella - posted on 02/22/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I had been seeing my boyfriend for about 5 months and my daughter really liked him in the beginning. We started seeing each other more often so she saw him more often. So one day she decided to express her feelings that she felt he was not needed and he could leave anytimehee wanted. While he handled it maturely at first he quickly got tired of her treating him like he wasn't welcome. Both wanted all my attention and I did my best to give it to them but it wasn't good enough in the end. As far as the relationship it's probably best since he could not handle her being a child, but how do I keep it from happening in the future? I talked to her and she admitted her behavior was because she thought he was taking me away from her. How can I reasure her that I'll never leave her for anyone? Has anyone been through this? What did you do?

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[deleted account]

Your daughter does not need to be a part of your dating life. Nor should she be. She doesn't need men popping in and out of her life. She needs stability and she needs her mother.

NOT to say you can't date, have fun, have a life, be happy, etc...., but there should be no reason to introduce her to any boyfriend until there is potential for a long term, serious relationship. One way you can avoid this problem in the future is to not introduce your daughter to any dating partners until you have been together at least 6 months.

That's just my opinion, but what do I know? I've been single for 3 years, only dated one man, and my kids knew him first.....

Alicia - posted on 03/14/2011

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My son is a very big mommas boy & I just got into a serious relationship & he is having some issues with my boyfriend taking me away from him. The only thing I have found that works(my boyfriend is also very understanding) is when my kids are awake they get most of my attention but when they are in bed he has my undivided attention. It has been going good so far. My son is needing my attention less & less each day so I can give some more attention to my relationship. The only thing you can do is let them know you love them & are not going anywhere. Best of luck

Angela - posted on 03/29/2011

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Think of it this way, you daughter has had her daddy taken away from her. He's gone. In her mind it doesn't matter why, she just knows he is gone. She is afraid of it happening to you as well. Sit down with her, and let her know that you will never leave her. She is the most important thing in your life. Also, it helps to make them a part of the decision. When you find a new boyfriend, and if they get along, set down together and both of you talk to her at the same time. Have him explain to her that he love you both, and if it is okay with her (not you) could he please start seeing the both of you more often. One thing that I did when this issue faced me was we went on family outings, i.e. the park. When we went out to dinner we took the kids with us also. Now I know, you need time alone. So, plan for a sitter to come after your daughter goes to bed to sit with her for a while so you 2 can go out. Also, make sure you have girls day out. Where it is just the 2 of you. We dont have a lot of money, so me and my kids cook together. We have movie time with just us, and my daughter and I cook breakfast together. We also still do family game nights with my husband and children and during that time we talk about anything and everything. Telling your daughter that you deserve to be happy and they make you miserable isn't the right thing to do. That will make her feel unwanted, exspecially at 4 yrs old. It is hard to devide your attention like that but honestly if you have a boyfriend that can't understand that your daughter will ALWAYS come first and that her opinion matters to you then he may not be the right one. Children are excellent judges in character. Maybe she felt he was taking you away from her because she didn't feel included in ya'll decision to take the next step in the relationship. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying you should let your child run your life for you. But she needs to feel accepted and acknowledged. She needs to know you value what she thinks and feels. If this happens again, you, your boyfriend, and your daughter needs to sit down and simply ask her why does she feel that way. Let her talk and explain. Then give her comforting ways to deal with it. I.E. "Amber why do you feel that mommy and Dave shouldn't be together?" "Because he is stealing from me" "Well, sweetheart nobody could ever take me from you. What if we did more things together would that make you feel better?" Most times the child will agree to do more things together, but it is important to give them some one on one time as well. Wait for your one on one time with your boyfriend until she has gone to sleep.

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Melissa - posted on 06/08/2011

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Also, I understand you not wanting to tell tales or fibs or anything, but I think a simple phrase like "this is my friend so and so" is perfectly fine. It's not a fib, because a great portion of a relationship IS friendship, and especially in the first portion of a relationship you're still getting to know one another. I think that would save her from feeling any negative feelings.

Melissa - posted on 06/08/2011

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All children handle divorce differently. They need to have their own time to "mourne" and "grieve" the loss of their family unit just like we do. Maybe she's just not ready to see you with someone else yet. That's not to say you shouldn't date, because you do deserve to be happy, but maybe you should consider keeping things casual, and not involving her until she's ready and you're in a relationship you feel will be long lasting. I don't mean to make it sound like you have to tip toe or walk on egg shells around her, but especially at such a young age, depending on how she processes things and depending on how she's handling everything, it can be pretty difficult for her to deal with, and feeling that you're moving on while she hasn't could possibly complicate things on her end.

Kelleigh - posted on 05/20/2011

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When my daughter was around your daughters age, I met my twins dad.. We dated for 3 1/2 years before I married him. During the first 6 months I kept our time together seperate, once we both decided we wanted to progress further, we would do things together outside our home with my daugher, giving her a chance to see us together without her home environment being involved, it was not until about a year after we started dating that I started bringing him into our home life.. This slow progression really seemed to work well. The one thing I started at this time was a mom/daughter date night, on the Friday night that she was home and not with her dad, it was our night and I let her have a huge part in planning our night together. We continued this ritual all through her teens even after the birth of my twins, when she was 12. I think just make sure she knew that she still had just a part of me that she didn't have to share made a huge difference. The twins dad was great and very supportive of our date night, even if he didn't get to spend his Friday night with me. To this day, 20 years later they are still close so we did something right..

Carmella - posted on 05/07/2011

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She does not have any issues with knowing where she belongs. It is due to her not wanting anyone taking away the relationship we have together. I can say this because she has also questioned her father when he put his hand on my shoulder. She didn't like the physical contact between us. There is no hope of us getting back together infact it seems to be the opposite. She is just spoiled, in a good way, by having all my attention for so long. We are doing really good now.

Christina - posted on 05/07/2011

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My daughter is now almost 16. Her father remarried when she was about 6. I remarried when she was 9. Although both of us kept our relationships hush-hush until they were serious, she still eventually had problems. Although in the beginning she got along with both of our spouses, her problems surfaced after both of us had children with our respective spouses. Additionally, she did not feel that she was being replaced by my husband, rather that me and her father were not going to get back together, which was important to her. It finalized in her mind that her "original" family was broken.

I think children of divorced or separated parents have trouble adjusting to new relationships because they feel they have no place to belong in a new situation. Although I stressed to her that I loved her and that she was just as much a part of our new family as the family just her and I had, it wasn't the same.

The only recommendation I would have is to continue to do what you feel is best for you to have a relationship, bring a family together for your sake (it's important for her to be a part of a family and to witness a loving relationship so she can grow up knowing what that is like - it's a learned activity) and go to a professional to help her with a sense of belongingness with any "new family" you form in the future.

[deleted account]

I can understand that. The one guy I dated was my girls Sunday School teacher. They were calling him 'Daddy' before I even met him.... lol Got that issue stopped and about a year later dated him for a few months.... Decided I'm not cut out for dating. lol

Carmella - posted on 04/19/2011

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She actually met him by accident. As you stated I did not intend to introduce them until I thought it was serious. Her father brought her over early and well they met. I do not believe in telling tales so I told her the truth. He wasn't ready to meet her either. They did fine because he only came over when she was at her dad's, but two weeks in a row he was there when she was because he was helping us move. I believe she felt her mommy time was being taken. I have decided to take a break and focus on her. Thank you everyone for your advice.

Christina - posted on 02/26/2011

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I told my kids point blank that Mommy deserves to be happy too. And they don't have the right to make me miserable just because they wish I could be back with their dad.

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