My ex and his family have lied and badmouthed me to our kids!!! How can i deal with this

Rachel - posted on 04/23/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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When my ex and I split 18 months ago it was because he had an affair and was using recreational drugs. Since then he has accused me of being a heroin addict, of which i proved him wrong with a drug test, but my kids are coming home saying that daddy and nanna are going to take them away and that mummy is a whore!!! I have never bad mouthed my ex to the kids and have always explained that daddy and mummy just dont get along nymore but we both still love them very much! My kids are 3 and 4 years old and appear to have no discipline at their daddy's and spend most of their time at nannas house when he has them!!! life is getting tough and i'm unsure how to deal with this!!! someone please help, sometimes its as if my kids hate me and it's tearing my heart out!!!

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Deanna - posted on 07/08/2009

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I have to say that i know what you are going threw. Then same happened to me but just keep your head high only you know the truth and your kids are not stupid they will figure out the truth in time they are still young to realize but you will see one day they will come to you and tell you how they feel and they will trust you and love you. lies catch up to people sooner or later and the kids will see that especially if they are never with him when he has them. when they get older they will wonder why they are always at nanna's and never with daddy. Just never talk bad about your ex because you are not hurting him you are hurting your children. Hopes this help
thank you for listening :) Good luck

Katy - posted on 04/25/2009

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Get a lawyer!!!! He can file an injunction that orders the badmouthing to stop and forbids him from letting anyone else do it in fornt of your child either. If he violates it then he can face fines or jail time.

Lisa - posted on 04/25/2009

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Look up information on Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS). It is a form of child abuse and is untreatable. There is a light at the end of the tunnel tho. As your children get older they are not as easy to manipulate, they learn to make their own judgements based on what they see for themselves. It could take years but eventually they will turn against their dad for the lies he has told about you. Always let them know you love them no matter what and try not to let them see how much this upsets you. Good luck!

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Laura - posted on 07/09/2009

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I know exactly how you feel,

I am facing something similiar - My husband and I have been off and on seperated for a year and ahalf. I am trying to get a divorce started, he wants me one minute for the kind of attention that only a women can give and he is very deceiving. The next minute he can't stand me and wants nothing to do with me, it's breaking my heart to where I have to just end ties. I have a twelve year old boy that is obviously confused. We have been to hell and back with my husband - he is always in trouble with the law and he is a very bad alcohloc. I am so tired of his lies and life. His mother and I pretend to like each other but I know they are planning something devious. They think I am a lebsian and are determined to try to take my kids who I've raised pretty much on my own because he doesn't help do squat. He plays with them so to the children that is the hole wide world. I have two boys and one girl and it's hard to break away free -

All I can say is hang in there, it will come back to him. You need to get custody of your kids so that he can not try to take off with them, I've seen it to many times. Mine are older and so they can pretty much speak for themselves. But, I know my husband is trying to influence my son to stay with him - all you can do is show your children the right way and that be there for them. Put your foot down and tell them it may be this way over there but it isn't here. It won't always be this hard. It's a constant reminder for myself -

Leilani - posted on 07/08/2009

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I have gotten and still am getting the same thing but on both sides...my ex and my husband's ex...both my three children and my three step children have heard it all. Me and my husband tell our children the truth all the time and keep an open and honest communication and relationship with them all. Our children are older now and they totally see the truth and just don't pay attention anymore to the stories...but when they were younger they were concerned and scared that they will not be able to be with me or us because of all these bad-talk. Be patient and continuously explain to them in ways that they will understand that nobody knows what's happening in your life or your home because they are not your or live there with you...and that anybody who talks are just guessing. This is what helped our kids. Continue to be the best mother you can, show them love, appreciation and always communicate with them telling them the truth all the time...it doesn't have to be in a bad-mouthing way but if their father and nana is not being nice they need to know this too. Our 6 kids have been through it and now they don't have much trust or respect for the talkers and they always come and ask for clarification before they believe anything...that is also a good skill for life...to see two sides of a story before making a judgement. Take Care you can do it.

Rebecca - posted on 06/19/2009

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my ex knows how to play ppls and he knows the right things to say so that he dont have confrontation with me or my folks or others but he knows deep down he is doing and has done wrong even with his father saying bad things about me he knows ... but doesnt have the balls to say stay out of it... this is between me and her... i was told that u couldnt take the visitation rights away from the father no matter what...

Elizabeth - posted on 06/19/2009

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What you do is report them for child abuse. Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical, worse when the children arer so young. Also, you are within your rights to deny visitation until after CPS reviews the abuse charges. They will want to talk to your children and to your ex and his family.They should do a psych eval on all adults concerned. The abuse they are putting your children through needs to be stopped. Protect their emotional well being at all costs.

Rebecca - posted on 06/18/2009

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let ur kids know that u still have rules for ur house and they are to follow them weather daddy does or not there isnt much u can do about that i went thro the same thing with my ex and kids as well... altho they are older i still went thro the bad mouthing he did it too me and the oldest who is a 15teen doesnt want nothing to do with him due to his dads dad bad mouthing me infront of the 3 kids and that is what made the oldest not want anything to do with him.... u need to become the bigger man and tell him flat out there is no need to bad mouth me let this lie u have a new life i have a new life live it and leave my name out of it... and yes ur kids will play u from what they hear at there dads my 2 youngest ones did as well... u have to sit them down and tell them how it is... and i know u said u had young ones but they arent stupid each time they go back this will stick in there head and they will see who he really is and then look at u and see who u are and what it is ur doing for them... keep ur faith sweetheart u are strong u can do this we have all been thro it all im a mom of 3 teens been divorced for 2 years now

Stephanie - posted on 06/18/2009

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Oh hunny do I KNOW what you are going through!! The posts that I just read, all the replies below are gold. A child is FOREVER bonded to his mama, period. You be the amazing woman that you are and NEVER fold. Your child will see that and the love will never end. Hugs!!

Rene - posted on 05/22/2009

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Sounds so familiar! We split up 2 years ago because my ex had an affair. I moved out and had to leave my 2 children with him due to financial reasons. I still saw them daily. He started making my eldest daughter, then 15, up against me. It became so bad that she wanted nothing to do with me. It broke my heart! After a while he started with my youngest daughter (then 10). I couldn't handle it. Financially and emotionally I just couldn't cope and decided to leave the country. Well I know it sounds like running away from my problems, but it worked for me. Before I leftmy daughters and I sorted things out and our relationship is better than ever. They respect me for standing up and getting my life back. We miss each other - absence does make the heart grow fonder! They are happy because I am happy.

Tracy - posted on 05/18/2009

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I completely understand. I am with you, only my girls are teenagers and have their own opinion of my ex's verbal abuse towards me...It hurts to think your children dislike you. Hang in there, your actions will prove everyone wrong and hopefully your children will be able to see with their own eyes and not with their ears how 'mommy' really is! Good Luck!

Terry - posted on 05/15/2009

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My ex and I have been divorced for atlest 14 yrs and him and his family still bad mouth me. The best thing to do is never stoop to his level. I know its hard but this way while your kids are growing up they will never hear a bad word out of your mouth. When they get older they will see what a horrible thing he did and how much you loved them by not doing the same. I wish I could say it was gonna get better but you just gotta hang in there and not let what he says about you disrupt the love and disipline you give your kids.

Pat - posted on 05/13/2009

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hi rachel,my ex bad mouths me,what I would do is g and talk to a solicter as its not fair to your kids or you,my son does have discipline either at his dad house,but I dont say any thing bad about about my ex to our son,when the children get older they will see what there father is like and remember bits,as my son does,if you want to talk either here or on facebook,good luck pat x

Casey - posted on 04/27/2009

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I have had this with my ex husband and his wife, they have my eldest son living with them and when he would come and visit on weekends and holidays he would tell me things that they had told him. Now he is 16 and cant wait to leave home he has no respect for his father. My other 3 children that live with me dont like going to visit their father so I dont push them to go unless they want to go.



He has tried to poison their inocent minds against me since they were all very young and now they are growing up he has only succeeded in poisoning their minds against himself. I dont retaliate to it I just tell them that he is a good man at heart and that he does love them in his own way, he is just scared and so makes up lies to make himself feel better.



If your ex tries to call your bluff with parentage or csa like my husband did then I would definatly give the csa and a solicitor a call just to set your mind at rest. The love you show your little ones will always shine through his nasty horrible lies.



I hope you find peace with it all cos I know it can be a nightmare when your living it every time they see him.

Tiffany - posted on 04/26/2009

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is there not a parenting plan in effect.... cause I'm certain theres a clause that states

The mother and father will behave with each other and each child evem though they are divorced. They will not speak badly of each other or the members of the family of the of the other parent. They will encourage each child to continue to love the other parent and be comfortable in both families.

ALSO...

You have the right to be free of unwarranted derogatory remarks made about the parent of his or her family by the other parent to the child or in the presence of the child



If he is not following his parenting plan then he is in contempt of the court.

Rachel - posted on 04/26/2009

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thankyou to all of you who have responded to my cries, i'm not sure if it's got the same legal status here in the UK but i'll certainly speak with my lawyer!

[deleted account]

I too had problems with my ex, and his new wife on this. It started when my son was 4 years old. It is a form of child abuse, and can cause many many problems if it is alowed to go on.

Katie - posted on 04/24/2009

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Google Parental Alienation Syndrome, That is exactly what your ex is doing (mine did it too and still does many rears later) It is a form of child abuse recognized by the courts in the states now.



Never badmouth the father infront of the kids it just brings you down to their level and really hurts the kids.

Good luck!

Angela - posted on 04/24/2009

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My ex and his wife do this kind of stuff a lot too. It is very common in divorced families. The only thing you can do is address it with the children when and how it's appropriate. When it's not really appropriate, then you just show the kids, by your actions and your attitude that what is being said about you can't possibly be true.



Be the loving, caring and healthy mom that they know, children- even young ones can tell when they are being deceived or used as pawns. My son has actually said, "I know I was told xyz to make me thin a certain thing, but I know it's not true."

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