Sydney - posted on 06/08/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )
Nearly two years ago I left my now ex husband. I went to file for divorce using an attorney that agreed to do this simple divorce for free, but it ended up being anything but simple. Just as I put the paperwork into motion I was served with divorce papers from his attorney that his parents paid for and along with it he filed to sue me for full custody of our three boys. At the time they were 2, 3 and 7. I was told by my attorney that I had nothing to worry about because I was not a bad mom and had always taken care of them. During the separation, the boys mostly were with me. I worked and went to school and a few days a week I asked their dad to pick them up from daycare or school until I was done working at 7 or 8 at night. I never received and financial support from him during this time which ended up being about a year. Throughout the court process, he hired a PI and violated my privacy. I started dating 7 months after I left him and I was told by my attorney that that was fine because we were separated and both had the intentions of divorce. The kids never saw my boy friend at the house and there was never anything inappropriate going on. The PI that he/his parents hired didn't find anything that ended up being used in court, however I was very unprepared for my court day as it turned out. His attorney used anything and everything that I had ever done or said in my 9 year marriage to make me look bad or show that I had a poor charcter. One example is when I was in my first triathlon, I did not finish the whole 6 mile run. I turned back halfway through and I crossed the finish line. We were told to do so because our bracelets had a chip in them that when crossing checkpoints or the finish line would let the officials keep track of the athletes so not to assume anyone could be lost or hurt on the coarse. He made it sound like I was of poor character and a lied or cheater because I did that. That's just one example. He said that because I was dating and in school plus working that the kids were not my priority. My attorney didn't do much in defense of this and in fact told meto bite my tongue because judges could see right through this sort of thing. He said to focus on what kind of a mom I was and so I told the judge that I have always tried to stay at home and if I needed to work, I worked at night in retail or paper routes. I made it clear that I was the primary caregiver and was the one who always made sure that they had their doctors and dentist check ups. He twisted my stay at home mom roll too. He said and still says that I was a lazy mom. At the end of our marriage I had two babies Back to back within 11 months and then I started to work a paper route which is 7 nights a week and no vacation unless you train someone and pay someone to do it for you. I was home during the day taking care of two babies and a kindergardener and then out all night running a paper route because the ex didn't want to get a second job. Sometimes the laundry wasn't folded or the house not perfectly clean all the time. He used that say I was a lazy mom. The list goes on and on on his lies and twisted truths. After one month of waiting for a ruling, the judge came back and gave him full residencial custody. I was devastated. I still am. I found a new attorney very quickly but she is very expensive. She tried to help but the only thing she could do is file for a motion to reconsider. We went back to court a few months later and the judge didn't change his mind. I don't know what to do because the justice system if so unfair. How could this happen with out any proof? The judge just decided that my ex was telling the truth and that I was not. No proof. No whiteness. Just his word against mine and now I can only see my babies every other weekend....
I ended up marrying the man that I was dating during the divorce and he has made it possible for me to stay at home so that my kids don't have to be in daycare, but my ex will not allow them to be with me and instead puts them into a daycare which I am obligated to pay half of per the court order. How can that be right? He again says that I am a lazy mom who does not engage on the childrens lives. The last time he said that to me was last night. He looked me straight in the face and said "you are a horrible mother who is lazy and does not show interest in the kids" he said this to me even though at that moment I was standing there with face paint and temporary spray paired hair from a carnival at one of my sons schools earlier that day. I have always been involved in there activities. It's only this year when he doesn't tell me things that I haunt been able to be at certain functions. He will wait until the last possible minute to tell me about an event or appointment and if I can't get here he says I'm a bad mom. I know and everyone I know says that it's all lies and manipulation but those boys cling to me everytime we are together and always say that they want to stay longer. The biggest problem that I am facing right now is that I want to go back to court and I can have whitnesses and letter written on my behalf, but he says that I will never get custody and it's worse, he is worse and more mean then he was before. He is now engaged to be married to my 3 year olds teacher and I'm sure now that he will have a two parent home he will want me out of the picture even more... He use to say when he was single, that maybe in the future things will change... 50/50 custody... But now he is adamant that I am a bad mom and he will never do that. I'm not sure what to do because even when I go back to court, I can't proofs that he is a bad dad. He takes care of their needs and treats them well. He goes to church and he doesn't use drugs so on the surface he seems like a perfect man. I seem to be(and my family and a few friends) the only one who sees through all of the smoke and mirrors. How can I show that he is in fact a poor dad for keeping his children separated from their good and loving mother. That his lies and manipulations(which he himself may even be starting to believe) are just not true and never were? What do I do?