My husband and my 9 year old daughter do not get along! Please help!

Laurie - posted on 11/18/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 4 years now.. he has two children that I step-parent, and love very dearly. His daughter calls me mom even..

My daughter lives with us full time. Hardly ever sees her real dad, but for some reason is purposely mean to my husband.. He tries so hard to get her to just get her respect, but for some reason she pushes him away...

This is creating a problem between my husband and myself, because my husband can not stand being disrespected all the time. I don't blame him at all. His kids treat me with respect, and I would not tolerate that type of behavior from his kids.

I try and talk with my daughter about this, but she thinks that one day her dad and I will get back together. She is 9 now, and I have not been with her Bio dad since she was 3. Even when we were together he was abusive to me, and he is not apart of our lives anymore.

I need help figuring out how I can get my daughter to at least respect my husband. He does everything a dad should for her, but she still treats him like crap most of the time.

Don't get me wrong, because at times I can tell she likes him. She will sometimes walk up to him and hug him and stuff like that.. Then most other times, she is out right rude to him...

What do I do?? I don't want to lose my marriage, but it's almost like my daughter will intentionally start a fight between us because she knows I will come to her rescue..

Someone PLEASE help! Any suggestions would be great!!

Thanks

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

the problem my son had was that he thought step dad was trying to take dad's place. the was abandoned by his biological dad so he pushed my husband away before he could be abandoned again. tell him to keep trying and never give up. my son was 7 when my husband and i got together, it took until her was 15 or 16. it's a long time, but it is worth it.

[deleted account]

What do YOU do when she disrespects him? Rudeness in your home should not be tolerated regardless of who the target is.



9 is also a prime age to start w/ trying to get away w/ rude and sassy behaviors. Trust me... my girls will be turning 10 in just a few weeks. I don't have a husband though, so I get ALL their lovely attitude. lol



For rudeness in this house my girls have to 'work off their attitude' (by doing extra chores) or sometimes they lose priviledges.



Hang in there! If you and your husband can come up w/ a plan together and then BOTH of you stick to it... it should really help.

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7 Comments

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Nelly - posted on 01/04/2014

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WOW, I can relate so much to this post. My son is 9, I left his dad when he was 1 becuase he was very abusive. I have two daughters with a previous relationship of 5 years and that didn't work out. I have been with my fiance for almost 4years now and we have a beautiful 15 months old. My son and fiance do not get along whatsoever. My son is very rude, talks back and disrespects him. They are always bumping heads. My sons bio father is never really there for him, he never calls my son and sees him here and there. I feel like because of that he is a being rebellious, I feel like he wants his bio father there and not step dad. I have made It clear that me and his bio father will never get back together but that we will always stay in touch. My fiance is a bit strict, this constant arguing is really causing problems between us. My son has been seeing a therapist, but I don't see much change. I tell my fiance that he needs to bond with my son and earn his trust and respect. You can't always point out the bad! My son is a very smart kid he's In third grade gifted. I really hope that things get better. I don't know how much longer I can take!

Laurie - posted on 11/22/2011

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Well unfortunately, her grandmother took me to court for visitation!! Her own father doesn't even have rights to her... they gave her grandparents visitation! Can you believe it!??? But, my daughter is very close to her grandma, and I can't take that away from her.. I have told her that if she keeps bringing that attitude back with her she won't be going over there anymore.. She is actually getting better.. but like I said, still a long way to go.. I know I need to be consistant with her...

I was thinking about that also, about her trying to push my husband... he would never do anything like her dad did to me.. he is a good man, and he loves us all.. I think she knows that deep down, but I also think she wishes I was with her dad.. Don't ask me why, I have tried to explain to her that I don't love her dad like that anymore. Also said that we don't do well together, and that is why we will never be together. She had asked me if I was not with my current husband, would I be married to her dad... I said no, and she said, "is it cause he used to hit you?" That was a shocker.. The she brought up one of the times that stuck in her memory. Mind you, I have not been with her father in 6 almost 7 years... so how she remembers that blows my mind. But I told her that yes, that was one reason. I told her that it was unacceptable for any man to put his hands on a woman. She agreed... I just hope she is not damaged.. I set up counseling for her, it will start soon.. So hopefully that will help...

[deleted account]

Does she have to visit her father's mother? What if you tell her to leave the attitude there or she can't go visit her?

She might feel like you are 'picking on her', but just explain to her that you ALL live in the house and you ALL deserve to be talked to/treated w/ respect.... including her. Lay out some ground rules that every member of the family must follow and stick to them. Obviously you and your husband wouldn't be grounded for talking to her disrespectfully, so you may have to be creative here. While she must follow the rules or accept the consequences, she also deserves to be talked to and treated respectfully.

I did have another thought. You say she witnessed abuse by your ex? Maybe she's pushing your husband to see how far he will go.... to see if he's the same type of man. Even if he's the furthest thing from it, her trust in stability has been broken before and she may just still be afraid it will be broken again.

Laurie - posted on 11/21/2011

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Hey ladies. Thanks for responding. Every time she disrespects him I correct her right away. I guess I should be a lot harder on her, because you are right, that type of behavior should not be tolerated at all. I guess I let her get away with more than I should because of all she has gone through and witnessed as a child. Her father used to abuse me and she witnessed that many times. Your comment made me realize that I am probably to blame for letting it get this far. I need to work on sticking to a punishment for her because I don't want to raise a little brat that is for sure! I just wish I could figure out a way to get them to bond a little bit... Things have gotten better over the years but there is still a long way to go. How do I discipline my daughter without her feeling like I am taking his side? I have talks with her all the time, and sometimes they work. But every time she goes to visit her fathers mother, she comes back with that attitude.

Tami - posted on 11/21/2011

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Hi Laurie,
I got married when my girls were 13. I think they too thougth maybe their father would come back into the picture and they were a litttle sullen at the the thought of me marrying someone. I explained to them why me and their father were not together, his poor treatment of me( edited for 13 year old ears) and why he was never there for us, and that my new husband was a good man and treated me right. They understood and treat my husband like the only dad they have.
Hope it works out for you

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