My son's father is a bad father but refuses to believe it...

Anna - posted on 04/17/2012 ( 1 mom has responded )

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There is something that I have always kept quiet about my personal life and I haven't never spoken about till this day but I finally reached a point where I am disgusted with all of this. I am being called out as "a crazy money hungry ex wife/ baby mama" type of thing. My divorce was an absolute train wreck. However, at NO POINT or time have I ever denied Noah’s (our son) father to visit him. What I would not tolerate is Noah’s father coming to pick him up an hour late from the scheduled time we would agree on or canceling last minute. After we all got out of the Navy Noah’s father never gave Noah an address where he would be living after the Navy and all we knew was that he was in Texas. It has been 2 years since Noah left Hawaii and guess what? His father has yet to make a trip to come visit. Why? “My son’s father is poor, can’t afford to live on his own and even can’t eat a good meal” because his child support is TOO HIGH at least that is what he tells me (what Noah’s father can’t seem to grasp is that at any point or time HE HAD THE POWER TO MODIFY the child support order but never bothered to. The same way it took me 4 months to file child support in Hawaii… another 4 months to file with Texas… and now another 4 months because he moved to New Mexico.. yes it’s a headache but it needs to get done). Did I mention by the time my son’s father was officially separated from the Navy he already owed our son over 3K in child support (I literally had to request mass because Anthony’s father had him as a dependent and was still not paying child support…Daycare on base was almost $500.. I was also in the Navy). Before my son was able to attend school in NY his Daycare was $710 a month and of course I gave Noah’s father the complete 411 on everything he needed to know about the Daycare in case he needed proof (my mother was unable to care for him anymore because she was diagnosed with stage one melanoma). After a huge fight with Noah’s father almost an entire year went by without Noah’s father talking to him. So last December ’11 I made a trip to New Mexico to not only take Noah to visit the other side of the family but also attempt to make peace with his father in the hopes that our son could have an actual relationship with his father. Why now? Because our son is at the age where he is realizing that he doesn’t have a “daddy” and asked for one at nursery school. I thought the trip to New Mexico was successful but I was wrong. As time went on the phone calls from Noah’s father to our son decreased to the point where weeks went by before they talked again (besides it’s not like they had an hour long conversation it was more like 3-5 mins). One day while picking up our son from school his teacher asked me to stay after she finished dismissing the rest of the class. She basically told me that Noah said “he wanted a new daddy because his daddy was too far away” my heart literally dropped to the floor. So I decided to take Noah to a family councilor because I honestly had no clue how to make Noah feel better at that point. Once I talked with the councilor I emailed Noah’s father regarding the current situation Noah was in. As a parent there is no worse feeling in the world to know that your child is feeling hurt and there is absolutely nothing you can do but be there to comfort them. During our trip to NM Noah’s father told me that “he came to terms with the fact that he wouldn’t be able to experience any of Noah’s milestones etc..” however I asked him this “Do you think Noah came to terms with the fact that his father is practically a stranger to him” A major issue that I have with Noah’s father is that he calls Noah whenever he wants or when Noah is SLEEPING OR IN SCHOOL which makes no sense to me because I have given him Noah’s schedule over and over also, Noah’s father gets upset because he can’t understand what Noah is saying. I tell him that if he spoke to him on regular basis he would understand but he doesn’t seem to understand that. Finally this is the reason why I am even writing all of this for the world to see. Last Saturday Noah had his first tee ball game. Early that morning I had sent his father a iMessage saying “call Noah before his game to wish luck and letting him know there was going to be a lot of father son activity both on and off the field today and I didn’t want Noah to feel sad” ( I didn’t call Noah’s father since he was upset with me because I did not accept his offer to drop our child support case and “trust” him to make child support payments all on his own …as I have mentioned before from the very beginning Noah’s father had the power to modify child support but chose not to). Sometimes, Noah likes to watch his friends play with their dads I guess maybe that is what he wants too I don’t know. I am sure you already guessed it…Noah’s father decided not to call and not only did he not call he denied ever getting my text earlier that morning. I know that is complete BS because we both have iPhones and I know for a fact that he got it. You know how I have mentioned that Noah wanted a dad well… on that day instead of playing tee ball he finally asked one of his teammate’s father to be his dad. That was the point where I finally lost it with Noah’s father. As you can imagine I let him have a piece of my mind because to me he is beyond selfish. When he called Noah that night Noah didn’t want to speak to his father especially because his father was repeating the same questions over and over again since he didn’t understand what Noah was saying… It is easy to say “I LOVE YOU” but those words mean nothing when you don’t ever show it especially to your own child. It has been 2 years since the divorce and wow I still feel like I am in a ongoing train wreck… Oh yeah Noah’s father is becoming a Pastor and everything I say to him he doesn’t really take seriously. In his mind he is a good father and has done nothing wrong. Apparently I bash him for no reason. At this point I have NO CLUE how to approach him anymore because I pretty much feel like there is no point in talking to him again.

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Tami - posted on 04/18/2012

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Wow, it's encouraging to know that there are other mothers out there who feel like I do. My son's father and I have been through hell and back, separating once for a year and then getting back together only to realize it wasn't going to work. I've moved too many times in the past few years that my son has had no stability. We are now only legally separated and I cannot file for divorce as I moved to Virginia in December and I have to wait until I've been here for 6 months. Our separation wasn't even finalized until the end of March because my husband took over a month to sign and send the papers back (he lives in Florida). It has been two months since he last called his son. He doesn't ask about him and I haven't even heard from him in over a month. I actually sent him an e-mail telling him he shouldn't alienate his son just because he doesn't like me. He says he's tired of fighting tooth and nail about talking to his son, but we've never fought about it. If he calls and I miss the phone call, I always let our son call him back. Just because I don't answer, I always return the call. He never sent any money for a year, not until the separation was finalized and he sends below the minimum and has continued to find ways to not send a payment. My son's father too is a stranger to him and I'm worried about the upcoming visit. Our papers state he gets our son for two months this summer and my son hasn't seen his father since Thanksgiving. However, my husband believes he's doing all he can and that it's my fault he doesn't see his son. He's the one who moved all the way to Florida when our marriage didn't work out.
Just know there are others out there who feel your pain. The only thing you can do is either continue along with it and let your child decide for himself when he is old enough or you can try to have the father sign his rights over to you. I'm taking the latter path. I've been in a serious relationship for almost 11 months now and my boyfriend has done more for my son than my (ex)husband has ever done in my son's entire life. We are hoping that after the divorce is final that I can approach my ex with the idea to sign his rights over so that this nightmare can be over. My son could not even pick out his father in a line of men. It's what I believe is best for him. Take the matter to your lawyer and discuss some options and if you must, let the courts decide that the father is unfit.

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