my soon to be ex husbands girlfriend spanked our child.im very upset.we fought.am i over reacting?

Fallon - posted 3 hours ago

I would love to know the legal aspect of this. My daughter told me a few months back that my ex husbands girlfriend was slapping my 2 year old in the face. I confronted them about it and they both denied it. The next weekend she went over there, they grounded my daughter for telling me that. Now just this passed weekend my son, who is 3 now, threw a fit about going over there. I asked him why he didn't want to go and he told me because Cupcake (the name she requested he call her) hits me. I asked where she hits him and he said on my hands and on my cheeks. I'm fuming here because I asked her before not to touch my children. I've done some research and realized that she has a DUI and doesn't have custody of her own children. Children Services were called but they investigated me instead of her. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this before the mama bird comes out?

Amy Nicole - posted on 03/20/2013

No,if it's not her kid it's that simple just do a timeout even if you do spank your kids it's your job and not her's.

Evelyn - posted on 11/16/2012

That girlfriend does not have any rights to touch your child unless you give permission to do so.

Michelle - posted on 09/03/2012

You are not over reacting but to get your message across to the Mother in Law that what happened is unacceptable to you, you need to remain calm because the goal is to mediate with the Mother in Law as it is she who is responsible for your son while he is in her care. So it doesn't happen again. Good Luck as in Laws and exes can be difficult when such problems come up.

Betty - posted on 08/31/2012

this can be a very touchy situation. I am getting married in January and my ex told my fiance if he had no other choice he could spank the kids but only if all other means did not work. well it cam e down to it one day he popped both of them on the rear end with his hand and the kids went to their dads for the weekend and he called fussing at me because my kids told their dad he spanked them with a belt (which he did not do)... the reason I say this can be a touchy topic is because sometimes kids will lie or stretch the truth.





If it is just her girlfriend I would tell them she can put the child in time out or the corner and let the father deal with it when he is home or let the grandmother deal with it... if they are going to be getting married then that changes things only because that person is going to be a steady part of that childs life and if they are not allowed to discipline the same way you and their father do then they will not ever have the respect of the child and they will run all over them. the same goes for you if you get married you have to allow to step parents to correct them the same way you do or they will not get the same respect... if it is not serious then heck no they have no business correcting your child they should be calling you or their father to deal with the situation.

Sina - posted on 04/16/2012

ABSOLUTELY NOT! Even though my ex and I don't agree on almost everything, we do agree that all of the disciplining should only be done by us or a grandparent. He needs to explain to his new gf that she doesn't have a right to put a hand on your child. If there is an issue she needs to tell him so that he could take care of it. I've been with my fiance for 4 1/2 years and first thing I told him was that he was not to put a hand on my son. And that all disciplining would be done by me. He respects that and has never put a hand on my son. Your ex needs to talk to her and tell her hands off!!

Trudy - posted on 03/23/2012

hiim new to circle of mums, i woul have to aggree with everyone else, my ex has a gf who now lives with him, my kids stay with him most weekends,if i ever found out that she has even raised a finger on them i would be mad, stick to your guns girl.

Amy - posted on 03/19/2012

no my sons dad isn't around but i dont let anyone but me discipline him and i let everyone know it im his mom not everyone else

Tara - posted on 03/05/2012

You are definitely not over reacting. No one unrelated to a child should ever lay their hand on that child without permission from the parent. My ex and I had a similar agreement which he has thrown to the wind now that he's remarried. He denies they hit any of the children any time my daughter tells me she has been physically disciplined by her step mother and I confront him about it. Unfortunately in my state once they were married she obtained the legal right to use physical discipline on my daughter. I figured out it was only happening when he was at work so I made him go back to the visitation that was in our custody arrangement(he had requested we change it but refused to put it through the courts) which means she is not left alone on a regular basis with her step mom anymore.

I agree with the other moms, invite the gf to lunch or something, since the dad is away at ait maybe invite ex mil to back you up, and have a heart to heart with her about your feeling towards her spanking your son. Also make it absolutely clear that if it happens again you will press charges. If she is seeing your boys while they are at their grandmas she should be the only one (or grandpa if he is there) to make any discipline decisions.

Angela - posted on 02/15/2012

I do not think you are overreacting at all. My ex and I are the only ones the discipline our son. If I knew that his soon to be ex-wife(karma is a *****) spanked my son, I would be furious! I do not even let my parents spank him!

Britt - posted on 07/10/2011

i dont think your over reacting your just being the protective mom you are and shows your passion for your child.
SP should never spank i agree with Dr. Phil on this one - he does shows on this.
the step parent should help support the bio parent on whatever punishment there is.
if the BIO parent isn't active and the SM has to kick in her duties as the main parent then yes i think that would be okay.

Christina - posted on 07/08/2011

Well, it might have been a knee jerk reaction. There is also a difference between one swat on the butt and several hard spankings on the butt. One swat is nothing to get worked up over.
I have spanked my stepson. There are times when I'm home with all five kids alone. If he does something that would warrent me spanking my other children, I will spank him. (EI: a swat on the butt.)

Christina - posted on 07/07/2011

I don't think that you are i just recently am having this problem my 3 year son has told me more then once that his dads gf which he calls BOO i don't why but anyways has spanked him the first time i thought maybe he was trying to get a rise out of me but this the 6 or 7th time he has told and when i speak to his father he says the same that i am over reacting and that the baby is lying but i don't think he is but i don't know what to do i am contacting an attorney maybe you should speak to yours.

Deidre - posted on 09/13/2010

there is a huge differance in CORRECTING and DISCIPLINING....any adult should be able to correct a child but only the parent should discipline a child. my husband (their step dad) is allowed to stop inappropriate behavior and send to their rooms but when it comes to consequences i feel those should be discussed between the two of us and i make the final call and dish out the punishment. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES WILL MY HUSBAND LAY A HAND ON MY CHILDREN and i expect the same from their step mom...if she were to ever hit them....she and i would have a heart to heart whether their dad liked it or not. i even step in when it is my husband and i think he is being too harsh..though he has never hit my kids and i think he definitely knows better than to try

Sarah - posted on 09/12/2010

NO.. I am biased, I will tell you that straight out. My ex's girlfriend actually abused my kids, so I am COMPLETELY against someone outside the family discplining, but my case was extreme. There has to be ways for her to discipline your child that does not involve physical contact, time outs etc. Consider running a background check on her if they haven't been together long. I wish I had, found out my ex's girlfriend actually lost her own two children because of abuse. Please step in before your child gets hurt.

Susan - posted on 09/11/2010

No, you are NOT over reacting! My ex's internet "treasure" hit my children with a wooden spoon. She rolled her eyes when I showed up to soccer practice with kitchen utensils. I wonder if she will be rolling them in court. I am filing charges-unfortunately as she is a 37 year old undeducated, unemployed (still has money for tattoos though-can those be financed :) ) woman I suspect that we 39 year old full time professionally employed (as in the corporate sense, not in her sense-ha) will be footing the bill for her atty.

Bridget - posted on 07/22/2010

I know that I'm way out-numbered here, but I think we should try to see things from the point of view of the GF. Would any of us just let a child kick us with no consequence? I am the step-mother of a nine year old boy, and I would spank my step-son if he kicked me. You can't expect your ex-husbands new relationship to work if the woman in his life has to take abuse with a grain of salt. My husband would probably be furious if I spanked my step-son, but if he wants me to treat his child as if he were my child that includes discipline. I can't say that I would like the idea of another woman spanking my child either but as long as she's not getting carried away I really think that would be between my husband and his new wife/gf.

Casie - posted on 07/22/2010

I know my son better than anyone, and if he disrespects an adult, he'd better be disciplined in some kind of way. From a legal stand point though, she has no right. I do agree if you have an understanding with the ex, then the ex should respect that and take on that RESPONSIBILITY. My sons dad called me one time when he was visiting, because my son was disrespecting him, mind you, his dad has not been a part of his life enough for my son to respect him. But, I talk to my son and ask that he try really hard. This may sound bad but, I think it's funny that I had to go sit with my son, his dad, and his dad's girlfriend to talk about the whole respect issue. I feel his dad brought this on his self, I just raise our child to be the best person he can be, by myself. Now his dad is in jail and i don't have to worry about that anymore, LOL!!!

Krystal - posted on 07/22/2010

Chrissy...Thank you. I have come to that belief and understanding. I love my husband with all of my heart and soul, but I am not going to bag him to come home or to see the kids anymore. When he walks in the door, I won't lie it warms my heart, but as soon as he gets a call or text and says he has to go..I snap back into reality and realize that he is going to leave and there is nothing I can do...I have to go on with my life and live for my children they are the most important thing in my life. I have not made excuses for him to the children....When they ask why can't daddy stay or why doesn't daddy come home, or why doesn't daddy want to spend time with me, or I love my daddy and want to spend time with him....I just simply tell them that daddy is working (if he really is, I can check his schedule on line), daddy is with his new girlfriend and she does not like when daddy comes here (because it is the truth he has told me she complains and yells when he says he is going to come here to see the kids, because I am here.) I am not going to allow my children to go around her, because that is something we decided on the moment I got pregnant with our first child. If we ever split up the children do not go around the others gf or bf unless the other gets to know them and are comfortable with the children being around them, and that the children are not to call anyone mommy or daddy because they have a mommy and a daddy, and no one is to punish our children but us and family. I am not going to wait for him, yes this is a hard time for me because of the kids and the fact that we were together for 8 years, but if he can just stay away for this long and attempt to through the time we have invested into this relationship for someone he has only known for a month and a half through two months than so be it...I can find someone better...There is always someone for everyone out there and I might be able to find that someone for me that will treat me and the kids with respect. Thank you for the confidence boost, and what feels like support. I have hit rock bottom, but I am slowly moving forward and it feels good. : )

Chrissy - posted on 07/22/2010

Krystal, I know this is a hard time for you as well as your children, but my best advice is let him go! If he wants to see his kids, he will make the move. I think its bs with what he's doing to you and your children. If he wants to be with his gf, let him.....he will realize that NO ONE should come between a father and his children, but when he realizes it, it may be too late. Don't force him to see his kids when he doesn't make the first step, and when his gf texts or calls him and he leaves, let him go....don't make excuses for him to your kids. As for him telling you he still loves you but he has feelings for the other girl....that might be a ploy to keep you around. Go out and have fun, do what you want to do......don't wait around for him to decide who or what he wants though. Good luck!!!

Krystal - posted on 07/21/2010

The father of my children has a new girlfriend and we have only been separated for almost two months...My children want to see their father, but because she lives 45 minutes away and he lives with her...he is not here for them like he was when we were together. I have told him that he needs to move closer to the children, and that we need to work out our problems...They are minor but serious problems...He has told me he is still in love with me, and wants nothing more than to walk back through the door, but he is scared. Also, he has feelings for this other girl...But because he does not want any shit said or started with her, he does not come to see our three boys until it is "safe" for him to come see them. Am I wrong for thinking that this is bs and he should not allow another woman dictate when he will or will not see his children whether I am around or not? Since he has been gone the time they get to see their daddy is shorter and shorter, anywhere from 20 minutes a day to tops three hours once a week if they are lucky to get the three hours without this girl calling or sending him texts. Then he feel obligated to get up and jump to her needs and wants. This is getting on my nerves very much...I want my husband back, but not at the expense of my children suffering for what he is doing now. What should I do?

Krystal - posted on 07/21/2010

No, you are not over reacting..Your children are yours and your ex husbands and no other person outside of the family should put their hands on you children.

Angie - posted on 07/20/2010

NOT AT ALL OVER REACTING!!!!!!! If she can't let his father handle it, then maybe she doesn't need to be there when he is with his kids. My ex has a daughter from a first marriage and I would have never thought of spanking her....that was up to her father. And If his wife now would spank my girls she would have to deal with ME!

Katherine - posted on 07/19/2010

in my opinion you are not over reacting. it should be between you and your ex. it 'might' be different if they had been together longer and you and your children knew her better. i would have felt like she was stepping in my mom shoes

Chrissy - posted on 07/19/2010

No I don't think you are over-reacting at all! It is no one's place to spank children that are not yours. Your ex's GF had no right to call you and tell you anything either...that is between you and your ex....not even your ex mother-in-law should get in middle of it (even though she probably would have taken care of it).

Seneca - posted on 07/18/2010

Omg you are not overreacting i would kill my ex-husbands new wife if she ever layed a hand on my 7 year old daughter...she is a step-mom it's a title that's it she is my daughter i'm sorry just reading your post made me so mad...I can't believe she hit your child wow!!! and my ex would probably do the same thing if my boyfriend hit our daughter which he won't because i told him that i would kill him too lol...

Stephanie - posted on 07/09/2010

no way i wouldn't have stood for my ex's gf spankin' my kid either, and when she called to tell you shouldn't have called and bched him out i would have told her yes i should have and now here's yours. my ex's know that if i ever heard of anyone other than them spankin' my kids we would be back in court and cps would be involved and someone would go to jail for hittin' my kid.

Michaela - posted on 07/09/2010

no way i think that is terrible,just like a stranger spanking him ,i dont think you over reacted infact i think u kept really calm considering ,i would definately ask to speak to your ex and make sure he knows there are lines not to be crossred and tell him if there is any punishment to be given out either him or yourself will do so

Amy - posted on 07/08/2010

No way are you over reacting!! I would not allow the other half to spank. I am a step-parent and I do not spank mine only because I would not anyone spanking my own child. I feel it's the dad or moms place not the other half. I am not going to say I never wanted to spank them thre has been times I wanted to but that's not my place. I do ground them and tell them what they can do and can not do but as for hitting not our place. You just need to put your self in there shoes and think if you want someone to do that to your child. It's good you have open commutation with the ex now it's time to get that with the new girl friend and just let her know it ant happening.

Carolyn - posted on 07/08/2010

First let me say that I have rarely ever spanked my kids (16, 13, 12). Logically only the parents should handle the discipline, however, there are times when the parents aren't around...and the child misbehaves...it has to be addressed THEN...not hours or days later. There need to be ground rules, no cussing, no hitting, etc. The fact is this, you and your spouse chose to divorce for whatever reason and each move on with your own lives. Eventually you will both have new partners and create homes and families with those new spouses. Taking away the new spouses right to discipline (within reason) is really saying to them that they aren't valued. It is also saying to the child that they don't have to respect the spouse. My husband has never laid a hand on my children, however, he has grounded them, he has taken away privileges, etc. It's his home too, and he has a say about what goes on in it. Blood doesn't always make a family...it's the love, care and nurturing as well as discipline that create that bond of family....your child deserves a family with both his parents and their spouses. Talk with your ex and come up with a game plan. Determine what is acceptable discipline....and go from there. Just remember your new spouses (or eventual new spouses) have rights to. hope this helps.

Vanessa - posted on 07/08/2010

It's unreasonable to expect from your ex's girlfriend not to have any authority in their household. There's a difference between your child getting spanked for being naughty and abuse. If it is the latter, then I agree with you.

Megan - posted on 07/07/2010

You did not over react. Let someone in the legal system like CPS know. You have a right to be upset. I would be too.

Michelle - posted on 06/30/2010

No you are not over reacting.. If I find out that my sons fathers new gf is spanking my son it will be on.. she has no right to hit him.. that is his dads job..not her's.. You did the right thing by talking to him and its so normal for him not to talk to you.. my sons father is the same way and it makes things harder then ever.. but your not over reacting by any means.

Crystal - posted on 06/30/2010

You are not over reacting!!! I however would talk to his mother and let her know that while the children are there, you would appreciate it if the GF wasn't left alone with the children. Or find out if she would be willing to mediate while you, your ex and his gf talk. explain why you are upset and let her know that you think she could be a big help to solve this issue for all involved. Then when you talk to your ex and his gf let them know you are glad the gf wants to be a part of the kids life but would appreciate it if she finds a different way to discipline the children i.e. timeouts, restrictions, firm talking. Anything that doesn't result in spanking from her. It gives the children boundries and lets them know that its three against one. Instead of trying to divide and concur. Children play sides so the three of you need to get on the same page. I say this b/c I was a child of divorce and I did it to my parents all the time. I knew they didn't like each other or get along for anything. So if something didn't go my way I would find something to start a fight between them. I figured it was the only other way they would communicate about me. And if I could get someone made at a bf/gf then maybe they would get back together. And discipline was the number one thing they fought about with my brothers and I. So let you ex and his gf know you want to get together to work together not to fight. Even when seperated, Parents have to work together and the sooner we all realize it the better off our children will be. God Bless. I hope this helps.

Becky - posted on 06/29/2010

i dont think so. if my ex gets a gf and she lays a hand on my daughter i will be upset too. you and and your ex agreed only you two punish and that is how it should be
becky powers
workathomeunited.com/footballtracklover09

Sara - posted on 06/27/2010

Bring it up at your next child support/custody hearing. Have it written into the papers that corporal punishment (if it's even legal in your state) is only to be given by the parent. Any judge worth his salt would agree.

Connie - posted on 06/10/2010

not over reacting. spanking if done at all should only be done by parents. she is only going to cause the child to dislike her in the end. she is over stepping.

Michelle - posted on 06/09/2010

I suggest talking with your ex to come up with an appopriate method of his girlfriends to use when they discipline your children. I do understand why you would be upset but the goal now that it's happened is to not have it happen again, I hope you and ex well be able to work it out but if you can't get some professional intervention from a counci;;ing organisation in Australia we have Relationsip Australia. Good Luck

Krystal - posted on 06/09/2010

u did not over react because when it come to your kids u shouldn't put anyb4 them or take any chances think about if something bad would have happen to him it would have came back on u. yall had a agreement and his should have stuck with it and since he didnt when his female decide to put her hand on whats your thats when u put your hands on her dont mean to be mean and nasty but thats what i had to do my kids mean the world to me and i be damn if i let anybody harm them im their mother i had them and its my job to protect them and thats what i did i beat the hell out of my ex girlfriend she hit my son and he cant talk but my daughter told me then she put him in a room by his self their dad was gone he had a few hour b4 he got off work and when he got their my daughter told him what happen and he went off on her but he did let her know if i found out all hell gone break loose he told her dont nobody put they hands on our kids but me and him and if he dont hit them what make her think that she can when i got to her house she was scared to come out so i told her to let my kids out and she act like she didnt want to so her neighbor kicked her door in and i took my kids and put them in the car and told my friend to keep an eye on them i went back in her house and beat her ass i even took her daughter out so she wouldnt see what was about to happen i didnt fill to bad cause the kids didnt see anything she never put her hands on my kids again i told her i dont want her to be scared of me but when it come to my kids i dont play and i told my kids dad if he had some thing to say about me beating her ass he can get it to either me my brother or my hubby would have beat his ass i was raised fighting guys so they dont put any fear in my heart the only time they get the best of me is when my blood sugar drop but when it come back up they better be gone cause if not thats they ass.... i know for me it could have been a better wat to handle it but when it come to my kids and i seen marks on him thats what really made me tap that ass lol

Nicole - posted on 06/06/2010

no, not at all! you are totally right to be mad! my ex-husband's most recent ex-wife use to spank our daughter, which I found out from my daughter a few times of her telling me when she would come home from her dad's. I confronted my ex about this and his reply, "our daughter is lying to you and making that up; Tina and I do not spank her." I told him that I would believe our 5yr old daughter before I would ever believe him and his wife-at-the-time, Tina. My ex and I even agreed and have it in our divorce court papers that neither one of us would resort to spanking and that we would both use time-outs and that our new significant others in our lives would not be discipling our child. I was pissed when I found out what was going on over at his house and that he had the balls to call our daughter a lier!

So, an answer to your question on if you are over reacting...HELL NO, GIRL!

Catherine - posted on 06/02/2010

no definitely not i would tell her if she hits your child again i would file assault charges.In australia not even school teachers are allowed to lay a hand on our kids, tell her to back off.Anyway if a father is only having the children for say 2 day a fortnight why would they want to hit them this is not on.

Jane - posted on 04/27/2010

Not over reacting at all. I'd be livid!!!!!

Whisper - posted on 04/25/2010

i agree that if you had set something up with your ex than that should be followed but this is also an exception where if he was hurting her and as long as she wasnt overboard than i think she should have been able to disipline him. I mean if she waits and goes and tells on the boy so someone else can punish him your son will never respect her and think that he can do whatever he pleases... it is hard but as long as it is an exception not a rule i would cut her a little slack

Kimberly - posted on 04/23/2010

You are NOT over reacting. I have been there before and still going through it with my 15 yr old. His dad remarried his 3rd wife and now my son calls her mom...I hate that. My exes know that NO ONE is allowed to spank our kids except us. They can discipline, timeout, taking priviledges away...etc. I dont have much of a problem now because my 10 yr old dont see her dad. Try talking to her and expressing your feelings, hopefully she will understand where you are coming from and respect your wishes. Good luck.

Janne Helen - posted on 04/22/2010

New law in Norway has come. You are not alowed to spank or even give a light slap towards your children. You will be heavily fined and posbly jailed for it. I like that new law! Hope it works the same in your country! Go to court! No violence, dicipline through words and explanation and cut down on toys, time on freetime etc...

Good luck Tiffany, protect your child :-)

Jennifer - posted on 04/22/2010

Take her to court, she has no right to touch your child. call CPS and report her. Your not over reacting. Do what ever you have to do to protect your child...

Rhonda - posted on 04/22/2010

NO!!!! You are not over reacting. There is a thing called time out and she should have used it. I could understand if he was getting ready to touch the oven and her first reaction was to smack his hand away. But no one should put their hands on any child, except their own. Though it may be hard you might want to go to lunch with them one day (a public place so things don't get so heated) and express your thoughts on her putting her hands on your children. Let her know that you don't appreciate it and that is something that you and your ex have agreed to. She may not have known that she crossed the line (though as a parent I don't see how) and she needs to hear how you feel about that.

Regina - posted on 04/22/2010

That is a touchy subject. I got divorced right before my daughter turned 5 and my exes very young girlfriend was pregnant and unfortunately jealouse of my exes relationship with me and my daughter. We also had an agreement that only we would correct our child. The reason why I didn't want her to correct my daughter was that I felt that she wouldn't do it properly. She spanked her once and I lost it and threatened to come there and kick her behind so I don't think that you over reacted at all. I think that you handled it a lot better than me. She didn't spank her again after that. This worked for all concerned for a while. Now my daughter is going on 15 and has been running over my new husband so things have changed. Me and my ex decided that his wife and my husband could correct her. Sometimes children will run all over a person if they know they can. Like I said, it's a touchy subject.

Carmen - posted on 04/21/2010

Not my issue.. but if it were??... I would go directly to the newgirlfriend and put her in her place! There is no one in this world that can touch my kids.

Lucy - posted on 04/21/2010

I AGREE THAT YOUR CHILD SHOULD BE DISCIPLINED BUT NOT BY HER IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE FROM FAMILY LIKE U SAID HIS GRANDMOTHER OR THE DAD I FOR ONE GET VERY VIOLENT WHEN SOMEONE HITS MY CHILD EVEN WHEN MY BOYFRIEND YELLS AND TRIES TO SPANK HIM I GET MAD I TELL HIM TO TELL ME AND I WILL DEAL WITH HIM NOT HIM IN MY OPINION YOU ARE NOT OVER REACTING AND HIS DADDY SHOULD HAVE STEPPED IN