Na

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Tamara - posted on 01/20/2010

47

62

3

Although my original thought agree with most of the ladies responses here after reading Kendra Martins my heart broke and remembered what my boys went through only a few years ago and the heartache they now still have. My situation was somewhat reversed in that yes I had the kids were were amicable visitation was going ok between us and financial support was being given to me pretty much the best he could (although afterwords I'm not so sure of the financial things-anyway) I had even chose to stay living close to him for ease of access-two weeks after moving into my house he tells me to sit down he has news for me-HE is moving 6000km AWAY from us to take a job in the Arctic.(glad I was sitting) Our boys were devistated that Daddy wasn't going to be a 5 minute drive away anymore and they would only get to see him every 6 weeks or so. Things got nasty between him and I because of his drug and alcohol problems and I ended u cutting off all access to him except phone(unless he could have found an approprite supervisor to monitor visitation with him-he didn't) Boys didn't see their Dad for a year and a bit and during that time I met someone and had made plans to move out of province (Ontario to Alberta) So the boys got to see him for 3 vists with me supervising before we left Ontario and now we have been out here in Alberta since May 09 and they have yet to get to see him. My boys miss their Dad terribly because they don't get to spend time with him. My youngest son has pics of him up in his bedroom. Both boys will msn video call with him but it's not the same as a visit. I made very selfish choices in the past when I originally left him and at the time I thought I was doing what was best for them but it was really for me and hind sight moving in with a boyfriend was not a wise move for the children because they formed a bond that 3 years later they still ask about that boyfriend and his daughter and him and I don't talk anymore....kids do rebound and adjust and all the other cushy words we adults use to make it sound better but really kids have huge amounts of feelings that they can't even verbalize so we really have to look at our situations and decide that in the decision we are needing to make are we really thinking about what is going to be the best thing for the child to keep them stable and well balanced so they can grow to be healthy happy adults. I know it's hard to think clearly when in love but your child does need to be loved first. Good luck with your decision making.

Kendra - posted on 01/16/2010

33

2

0

I'm not sure that I understand...you said that up until now you and your ex have been able to work together, so it doesn't sound like he's just upset about you leaving him? Now that you live with someone else, you feel you need to move out of state to "start your life right"? Why? How can you be starting your life right when you're not legally finished with the old one? Check into divorce mediation...often there are free options here and you can avoid the lawyer fees and all of the bitterness. I understand that you are happy with your new love, but your son must come first...and the idea that you are even remotely OK with "having to leave you son" in order to be with a new partner, tells me that you would be very smart to start talking with some experts in divorce...not just us moms. At the age of 6, your son may have some strong feelings and reactions to losing regular access to either parent. Please give your situation some careful consideration - I am sensing some heartache ahead if you don't.

Melissa - posted on 01/21/2010

3

20

0

Being married is the only thing that is saving you right now. My sisters ex-husband took her kids and moved away. She didn't see her kids for the next 6 years. When she went to the police, there was nothing they could do because they both had equal rights to the kids because they were married. It's just like joint custody, whoever has possession has control. You can move now and there is nothing he can do about it. And I was reading someone elses response, they said for you to have documentation of why the move was necessary... that is wrong. You don't have to have any reason to move. It's your life. You may not be able to afford a divorce, but there is help. I didn't pay a dime for mine, not even court costs. Good luck and I hope this was helpful. Let me know how it turns out.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

41 Comments

View replies by

Smile - posted on 08/20/2011

24

1

0

How did court end up going?
I have a 9 month old fully breast fed son, we live in Kentucky and the father now lives in California.
He is wanting 10 day visits per month starting next month.
Do you guys think that would be good for my son who hasnt seen his father since he was 4 months old (fathers choice not to see him) Im scared help!!!!!
Let me know how your court went please?

Also I posted a question about my case with full details if anyone could please please please help me with advice stories and opinions

http://www.circleofmoms.com/welcome-to-c...

Jareen - posted on 08/08/2011

24

22

0

Shannon, go and get legal help, and file for sole custody, this will protect you and your child. You have to look out for your child. Before you leave with this person you are living with you need to get yourself in order, as far as getting your divorce, and if you don't have the money for your divorce, why no throw a divorce party asking all of your friends to give you money to do so that you can begin your new life right, you want to be blessed in this new relationship don't jump from the frying pan into the pot. Wether or not you know, you and your friend are committing adulty in the eyes of God, and the land. Trust in God and do the right thing. Explain to your friends about your situation and if they are your friends they would want to help you to begin a good and just life. Don't leave your son do what is right and then leave.

Jessica - posted on 08/03/2011

547

0

2

have not even figured out how to file for separation, but i read this bc I was hoping for the same info. The reply's are so different, that it's confusing. I am still married, but while he is out playing, I am trying to find an actual job that will hire me, even with my disability. You know what? I want to move out of state to a close by state, in a better area, lower cost of living, and less bible belt (no offense, but the discrimination in my area is sickening... and all because I am pagan...). He has no contact with them and cancelled his last visit. so... yeah. so what did you do?

Carol - posted on 08/03/2011

84

0

0

After reading my own post, I returned to the top to add a disclaimer, so to speak. You will see later in the post that although my husband and I have one of our own, I am a stepmom as well. My experience will become evident further on. Second, at times I don't mince words easily. So please believe I mean everything I say, and I say it to help you consider, realistically how it will be if you leave, and live a distance from your son's father. I have all the compassion for your needing to get away - but I think there are some VERY important issues to consider before starting your new life in another state, away from your X. I also respect your right to make your decision. So I am offering a bit of experience. Others may see it differently.



You don't have to answer this on list, or to me, but why is it necessary to move away to restart your life? Can you move further from your husband but no to another state? . . . unless you're both across the state line from each other. One thing you can do to keep yourself out of trouble is to find an attorney who will see you once for a consultation. Many in California do that.



Next, as much as you want to go elsewhere, you might consider more strongly what's good for your son. REALLY think about it. Unless your husband is abusive to you and/or your son, I'd advise you to consider how you will feel watching your son board an airplane regularly or to think about his having to endure a LONG drive back and forth to visit his dad in another state. Can you see yourself giving up Christmas every other year, or Easter? What about summers and birthdays? If your son is now 6, he will remember that YOU "took him from his father" for a different life with another man and he may well grow to resent it. He WILL need his dad, and as a stepmom, I can tell you that no one can replace their "real" parent. Your friend may become very close with him and your son will adapt. They may grow to love and respect each other, and he may even become more of a dad to your son than his own dad. But you don't want to be the one who took him away from his dad.

Kayla - posted on 07/26/2011

23

10

3

I have a custody agreement with my son's father (never married), he doesn't follow this at all and see's his son maybe once a month, usually less than that. He threatens to move out of state all the time, and never follows through with that either. I want to move now, and am pretty sure he'd try and fight me on it. The place I want to move has a lower cost of living, a beautiful area, and I could become a home owner there, whereas there's no way I could buy somewhere nice here. I'd also like to change careers and this would be the perfect opportunity. Does that make me wrong? Why should he be able to keep me here completely unhappy and stuck in a life I can't advance in, just because he throws a fit with the court? Or is that motive enough to want to relocate?

Tonya - posted on 07/26/2011

59

22

4

Watch yourself in this since there is not a custody paper or a divorce and you move if he files and has your child(ren) when he files he can keep your child(ren) until the divorce. Check into a legal separation in which you ask for custody so your child(ren) can be with you. Do not allow your child to stay behind as this makes you look like you abandoned him/her. Talk to legal aid see if they can help you get a divorce sometimes they have the funds to help. I hope this helps. Good luck.

Sally - posted on 07/25/2011

2

24

0

I would have to say I agree with the people who are telling you to think long and hard about this. You have every right to live your life the best way you see fit. But the day you became pregnant you gave up the right to think selfishly. That child is as much yours as he is his fathers. And if he is a good father, which by the sounds of it he may just be since you share your son equally, then why would you want to inflict that pain into both of their lives???? I understand moving don't get me wrong, but that's for you and your boyfriend to "start your life right" What does that even mean?? You are in the same state as the father of your child and you have this boyfriend in this state, so why do you need to leave? I just don't understand what you mean by that....but in all honesty in my opinion that doesn't even matter...."starting your life right" Is the most selfish thing I've ever heard. Have you thought of the repercussions that will have, the effect it will have on your son. Granted you left your ex, he has been working with you in switching with your child etc. I don't think he's mad you left him, I think he's pissed that you want to take his son to a different state. He doesn't want to move to another state with you so you and your bf can start your lives the right way. He has a life, you had a life and your son has a life right where you are. I think it's very selfish to pick up and move because you have a new bf. I also agree with the lady who basically said leaving your son for your bf is a horrible thought, and if you were okay with that then maybe his father should keep him. I don't want to hurt your feelings but I think you are thinking very selfishly so you can start the next chapter of your life. Good luck. I will pray that you do what's best for your son.

Janette - posted on 07/24/2011

31

9

4

My lawyer said I need to get married to my boyfriend before I attempt to work out custody. Something about Judges being older and not favoring fornication? Im in a small town in Tx so it might be different for you where you are. Just one of those crazy things you might want to be aware of.... :( This kind of stuff is so hard. In Tx you can have the respondent sign a Waiver of Citation, meaning he doesnt want to be notified of all the paperwork. Have him sign it and then put custody how ever you want it. I almost did this to my ex and then decided against it and played nice. Good thing too, becuase he tricked me and did the same thing, obtained full custody, gave me the possession of a crack addict or felon (very restrictive). My lawyer will be using this as proof that these people are being unreasonable and we hope they lie on the stand, becuase that gives me automatic custody of my child. So be careful if you trick him with a Waiver of Service, keep it looking fair and good luck.

Teresa - posted on 07/19/2011

1

0

0

Someone up there said that being married was saving you.. You will not be kidnapping if you take your child to another state. But with that being said the father at any time can come get your child, from school even and take your son and go off with him and you cant do anything about it. The father, since you are still married has the same and equal rights as you. Also if the father files for divorce he can force you to bring the child back..

Maria - posted on 10/07/2010

1

0

0

i was never married to the father of my children...i have a new serious boyfriend who bought a house wants to marry and us to move. we live in ny he lives in ri...can i move????

Traci - posted on 09/16/2010

18

5

1

I am in a similar situation only we were never married. What did you do or what happened? I am curious. this is an old post.

Crystal - posted on 03/30/2010

38

25

3

Just so you know you can move anytime you want but if your ex files in court and gets temporary custody you will have no choice but to bring your son back to him and drive back and forth to deal with the court. Most courts will rule in favor of the parent in the state if there is no abuse on file. Unless you can prove your child has lived in the other state for six consecutive months, the custody case will have to be conducted in the state where he has been. This is the law in Almost all connecting 48 states. If you leave the state with him you won't be charged with kidnapping true but remember he can always get the child back.

Jenna - posted on 03/27/2010

3

15

0

I dont know about all states but i have heard that if you move out of state with your child without the fathers consent it is considered kidnapping.

Tina - posted on 03/19/2010

5

21

1

OK.....DON'T DO MOVE.....DON'T START PACKING!!!!!!!!!! If you are even remotely thinking about his avenue, you are wrong. First off, go see a lawyer, its free to ask questions. There is a huge chance that if you go across state lines with your child, he can get him from you by saying you abducted him. I am in the military as is my ex, I have to go through the court system to even transfer out of the state of Virginia. I have to send him a letter and the courts with address updates whenever I change residents. If you up and leave you could lose custody of your child and have visitation only.

Brandy - posted on 03/19/2010

7

15

0

I want to give you a little insight, please read my posting and it will give you a little insight on what i have been going through. please please move with your child now. i have manage to lose all three of my boys to my ex. the only thing that me and my lawyer can think of is it was because i was moving with my new husband who is in the military. it will be harder for him to gain custody of your child if you move. also if you file after 6 months of being there then he will have to come to you in your state. please please really look at the state laws in the state that you are wanting to move to. contact a lawyer in that state as well. i dont want you to go through what im going through right now. as of sunday i will have to turn over my 3 year old to my ex husband and only have visitation with my children from here out. i really dont want this to happen to you. keep logs of everything, record any and all conversations on the phone that takes place between you and the ex and the ex and the children. be your own privite investigator. keep track of all please please!!!! but remember move now while there is no order in place!!!!! an no you will not get kidnapping charge on you are you have legal custody of you child until the court orders different.

Cherish - posted on 03/19/2010

45

60

2

Since you said you are just separated, move now. He can not stop you and you don't have to leave your son. That's what I did. And i'm living with someone else too, and we moved out of state. There is no legal document that says he has to agree to it, as of now. So if you want to move, do it BEFORE the divorce!

Lindsey - posted on 03/17/2010

1

11

0

I'm in the same boat as you. Me and my son dad are not longer together and I want to move. I get child support and I have full custody of him. And I want to move out of state but, he wont let me. He told me if I do I have to stay in Tn or ms and I don't want that. So I really don't know what to say.

Crystal - posted on 03/14/2010

61

91

5

Well, i will say this GL. I recently was kicked out of the house with my son by my now ex husband...without no where to go in the state we lived in at the time (Florida). I left and returned to the state when my Mother lived (Kentucky) relizing i couldnt stay living with my mother i moved again to where i live now ( Missouri) and was able to get a job and start over with my son. I made sure to send phone numbers and address to his father so he could still communicate with our son. Well no longer than a mth after all the moving and settling in he comes for a *visit* and ends up taking him out of the state. I have yet to see my son in 2 yrs. The State of Florida gave my ex custody (residential) because there were claims that i couldn't provide for him. In which were false...now i fight with my ex to talk to my son he recently turned off his phone and will not contact me what so ever so i can talk to our son.

So my suggestion is to seek legal rep. first before doing anything...because i later found out that in Florida your not allowed to remove the child from the state unless agreed with the courts and spouse. I had one part of the agreement but not with the courts...so i ended up losing my baby to his father and now pay Child Support.

April - posted on 03/09/2010

3

6

0

I took my kids 6 years ago and left for a better life after paying the dad to "baby-sit" for X-mass never had any problem about the no custody order and only just recently got child support a year ago. Now I had my world fall apart and had to ask him and his mom for help now I was getting child support but 60 dollars twice a month dont go far. now after six years they all of a sudden care about weather or not the kids had nice stuff and how bad it was I made them be poor kids and if I cared I would have never let my life get so bad but if they would have only helped it would have never got so bad

Angela - posted on 03/05/2010

3

17

1

As of right now with out a custody order you can take him out of state. Keep in mind your ex can do the same thing to you, and leave with your child any where he chooses. Just try to be considerate and set up some type of visitation so that if you do end up in court you have records of allowing your ex visitation. Also keep records of how you tried to convince him to move so he could be close to your son and chose not too. You never know what might be important once you do end up in court.

Debbie - posted on 02/22/2010

3

1

0

you have to check your state law about it....but for me..it was ok..i moved from ohio to minnesota...there is a visitation agreement in place from the state for living over 90 miles away one way....now states may vary...but you can also set up arrngements with your ex..ive had to do that....



but i wouldnt have moved if it meant leaving them behind...they have no choice in the matter...and to lose their mom woudl be devestating...check your state law...as far as visitation...most states though allow for you to move out of state

Anna - posted on 02/20/2010

8

16

0

I have wondered about this myself. I will be re marrying in the fall and my husband will live here in this state with me, in a yr we plan to move back to his home state only an hour and a half away. Waiting the yr due to not wanting to move son out of school once it has started. I don t see why his dad can t still see him the every other weekends like most divorced parents. however our divorce papers have his dad getting him from school now till i get off work and sat s when i work till i get off. so basically my babysitter except everyother weekend. lawyer stated that this agreement would change as son s needs changed. so i hoping for permission to move out of state next summer. My husbands job is there and will be looking for a home there so he won t have to drive an hour and half back to work everyday.

Mandy - posted on 02/14/2010

9

45

0

I agree with Kendra Martin 100 percent!!!! First, you MUST think of your son before yourself, your friends, boyfriends, jobs, homes, etc., etc. My ex-husband and I were separated for 1 1/2 yrs. before our divorce was final, and we (like you) worked out a civil visitation for her to see her dad as often as he could get her as we lived close. This continued to support their relationship and created trust with her in ours. She was only 5 , but let me tell you they know what's happening. I have been there as the child stuck between my feuding parents and it's NO fun. As parents, we can be very selfish...so we MUST put ourselves aside and think about the kids FIRST.

Legally, RESEARCH!!!!!!!! In some states, if you cross the line with your child without mutual consent with other parent you can be in SERIOUS hot water.

Morally and ethically, I would suggest working out all details with father even if it means staying put. Remember it's about your son, and sometimes as parents we have to sacrifice. Don't take your child away from a loving father....it's NOT fair to him or the dad!! NO one will EVER be able to replace a biological parent. May God give you wisdom in this decision.

April - posted on 02/14/2010

13

31

0

My step sons mother did this ( moved out of state) and it has been pure heartache!!! If "DAD" is a good father to the child why do u want to move him away from his BF in the first place??? Legally you can go...but emoitionally is this the right choice for your child or for you?????

ARDS - posted on 02/14/2010

10

11

1

consult a lawyer before doing anything- everyone here has advise for you but you need to get legal advise- get the facts...good luck ( I want to move away in a couple yrs and don't look forward to the fight)

Kacie - posted on 01/30/2010

10

12

1

I just went threw a nasty court battle and mine was to only move 2 and a half hours away. If you are going to do it, you need to do it now. But you are going to need to show a judge ( because he will take you to court) that it was out of good reason (new job, making more money, better life style and many other reasons) and not out of spite. Be prepared to fight tooth and nail over it, but as long as it is for good reason it should be fine. You will have to make a reasonable visitation schedule and expect your children to be with their father during breaks and the summer, and open phone or web cam communication. He is still their father and they need to have the both of you in their lives. You need to be prepared to show you are the more stable and responsible parent though, anymore these days a child just doesn't go to a mom. Fathers have the same rights as well. You need to do the research on laws in the state you are residing in, or go in and do a consult with a lawyer some of them do them for free. I would try that before a move.

Samara - posted on 01/22/2010

17

68

0

I agree, move now, you have nothing stopping you. Once it gets into the courts you can have a problem, especially if your ex retains an attorney. When my ex and I first split up, I wanted to move and he and his attorney made it very difficult for me. Now, if I ever want to go I would have to petition the courts. If your child is living with you for the most part, you are the custodial parent, you don't have anything standing in your way, so go and be happy. Good Luck :)

Cheryl - posted on 01/22/2010

6

0

0

Legally, you may have few to no choices if the father of your son does not allow you to take him out of state.
I think the advice I would give in your situation is to stop and think about what is best for your son and then find a way to "start our life right" where you are, or at least in the state you currently live in. You son needs his dad as well as his mom in his life and no matter what the circumstance is with your separation/divorce, he should be given all the opportunity in the world to grow up with his dad in the picture.
Sometimes we as parents have to be the ones to sacrifice some to do what is best for our kids.

Tami - posted on 01/21/2010

1

20

0

If you have no money depending what you make you can go to family court and they will give you a lawyer (AGAIN DEPENDING WHAT U MAKE)
My x and I have 4 kids 12-16. Been in court snice 04 I have a order of protection. Not fun. I wish you Luck!

Missy - posted on 01/19/2010

2

26

0

Without any court documents stating you can't move you are free to do so and if your son currently lives with you you will not have to leave him with your ex unless ordered by the court. I would advise you to be prepared for your ex to get nasty about it & want to take it to court, check residency requirements of the new state. You may be able to file divorce there and make your ex come to you for court hearings. If it comes down to that...have documentation that shows why the move was beneficial to you and your son (emotionally, financially, and so forth).

I moved across the country 9 months after my ex & I seperated but noted in the legal seperation papers (required in NY) that I was moving and he had been informed. This not only got me legal physical custody of my child but set up documented child support & benefits for my daughter.

Whatever you choose, good luck to you & your son with your new life :)

Meryet - posted on 01/15/2010

51

16

11

I don't know where you are hun but in Missouri unless you have a custody decision pending you can't be charged with kidnapping. However, there is a new law that states something along the lines of the custodial parent has to live within so many miles (or maybe it's hours??) of the non-custodial parent if there are visitation rights. Your ex could file for divorce & make a huge fuss over you "taking off" with your child. In which case they could force you to either move back or give over your custody rights. Again, I'm not sure how it would work in your state. DO YOUR RESEARCH! And as was said in the last few posts..make sure you keep documentation of EVERYTHING! Especially proving why the move was absolutely necessary! In this state uprooting a child from their life & more importantly, their other parent simply for your bfs job would not fly with these judges.

My ex just tried to pull the same thing with me when he wanted to take off with my kids to Oklahoma simply because his family moved there. I threw a fit & the judge decided that I was right & denied him that ability. Said he would be charged with "non custodial" kidnapping if he left state without my permission with my kids. So like I said..it really just depends on the laws of your state.

Robin - posted on 01/14/2010

4

5

0

How do you move without alarming the father? Will the mom being accused of kidnapping? Wouldn't this be a detriment towards having custody? Please comment!

[deleted account]

As long as there is no order and you want to move: GO PACKING !!!

Deanna is right: Be sure to be able to proof why move was necssary (new / better job, family ties, etc..). Show that your child is not suffering, has a lot of new friends there (put in school immediately!), allow father to visit anytime.

Jennifer - posted on 01/14/2010

7

4

0

i am in the same boat. No court agreement. we have a child support order but no custody agreement. I live in Wisconsin and children are marital property. can she move can i?

Deanna - posted on 01/14/2010

49

7

11

I agree with Kerstin, go now. But be prepared for your ex to file for divorce and try to get custody back. Be prepared to show the court why the move was necessary (i.e. new job), where your new home is, where your son goes to school/day care, etc. In other words, you'll need to be able to show that the move is/was not detrimental to your son and be willing to set up a visitation schedule that allows dad and son to maintain a relationship (like trading off Christmas vacation from year to year and extended time in the summer). Good luck!

[deleted account]

Move right now!! If you go through the system, they wont let you unless father is on drugs or otherwise incapable as a parent - besides it can cost $$$. My move-away is still up in the air and I am already out $70,000! If you move now, there is no court order and you are not accoutable for anything. GO PACKING NOW!!!!!

Jennifer - posted on 01/14/2010

7

4

0

i am in the same boat. No court agreement. we have a child support order but no custody agreement. I live in Wisconsin and children are marital property. can she move can i?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms