Not divorced...yet

Elizabeth - posted on 02/11/2009

I've been separated for a couple of years now with two small children. My husband and I have been married for 6.5 but have been together for 11 years. Divorce is a nightmare. It is interesting what I have learned though through it. 3 months after my husband and I were dating, I made a very poor choice and went away with my girlfriend for the weekend and cheated on him. I came home and I broke up with him. I thought it was the right thing to do because I was having my doubts obviously about him. 7 months later we get back together. Then we were together for 5 years before we got married and I was completely faithful to him. But, I never heard the end of it... he just kept bringing about what a horrible immoral person I was. I listened to him. I think he was right. But so... I thought once we got married he was some sort of moral guy since he was preaching to me about morals before we got married for years. However, after I married him all he has done is threaten me with divorce and bring up the past and more divorce threats and now he is divorce me while I continue to remain celebite for the past two years while he is sleeping with some girl in my bed! Now.... who is the more horrible person without the morals? The girl who slipped up while dating her boyfriend or the man who is putting his children and his wife through a nightmare because he can't get over something that happened 12 years ago? But anyway, the moral of the whole story is.... we need more morals. Divorce should not be an option. We need role models for our children. We need parents who are honest, kind, forgiving, and WORK on their marriages. You don't just give up! I keep trying to work on keeping my family together. Divorce is not an option in my world.

Shronda - posted on 02/11/2009

You are not alone! It is so hard out here for divorced or soon to be divorced moms. I am thankful that my son has my spirit and although is father has done some terrible things, he has learned to let go and move on! I too had to learn to be "me" again. The road was long and I am still learning and discovering new things to better my situation everyday! Are you a spiritual woman? If so, let go and let GOD! That is how I am making it through. I also decided to get out and meet people. With the help of a friend, I found a great site, meetmarketadventures.com. They host several events every month ranging in interest. Check it out and good luck, YOU ARE SOMEBODY and GOD loves YOU!

Heather - posted on 02/10/2009

Take a refresher course and don't let any man make you feel down about your self. And next time you fall in love ( and their will be a next time) think of your happiness first because no one can love you unless you love yourself first.

Dawn - posted on 02/10/2009

Hello Lesley,

I too am going through a divorce and also a custody battle. I  have one child, age 3 1/2 now. As devestated as I was when my husband left, I have recently come to terms with the fact that I became someone different when I was with him and did not like who I was. Now that we are apart, my circle of friends has been very supportive and I have regained a bit of who I was. I know that in todays day and age, you can have everything and no matter what the struggles are, it is worth it.  I worked full time in my  marriage and my husband stayed at home. He is claiming this does not make me a "suitable" parent to care for our son full time. I say, this is the exact reason I am more then capable. I will show my son that women today can indeed be everything and more not only professionally, but personally as well.

I think sometimes, we as women, forget that when we become parents, we are still women too. You will regain a bit of who you once were, but it will not be exactly who you were. We all change over time and I like to think the person I am today is a much better, stronger version of who I was before. 

My suggestion to you ( I have been separated 6 months now but emotionally detached for much longer) is to go out and enjoy time with your friends. You need that support circle and sometimes friends can be better then close family memebers. Sometimes we need to be told we are acting unreasonable and friends will tell you that.

I believe dating is a good thing. It doesnt have to be serious and its nice to feel wanted even if you are okay with yourself and enjoy your own company. A woman still likes to feel sexy and have some attention.

Focus on your child. Make sure they know that you are okay. I always speak to  my son about his father so that he is secure in that fact I dont hate his "daddy". I make it a point to get along in front of my son, no matter what.

I have spoken with other people going through the same thing as me. I suggest if you know anyone, you too should perhaps have a coffee and a chat. It is amazing how much it helps to sit with someone who is in a similar situation.

Its not easy to come to terms with the breakdown of a marriage. I know I have held up surprisingly well. My main reason for being okay, is my son. No one ever thinks" I want my child to come from a broken home". So the best solution is to not be broken.  Just because a couple isnt together anymore, doesnt make either one a lesser parent. Or more importantly, A lesser person.

A job will give you some security. It helps me a lot that I work while dealing with this. It gives me 8 plus hours to not think about it. When you go home, focus on your child and the home. Make sure you are able to afford your way of life. Also as previously suggested by others, speak to your ex about some type of income support for your child. There are wonderful articles online you can read. I know some evenings, I spent hours online reading posts and blog from others. This was particularly helpful when I was feeling a bit down.

You will learn to love being alone. I am enjoying it as I can focus more on my son now since I am not having the stress of the relationship any longer. I truly believe that my relationship with my son is better now that I am not with his father.

  Over time, you will not fully remember how you are feeling today since the pain lessons each day. Hardest thing I had to realise, is that it really is okay to cry.

Good  luck in your new beginning. Enjoy your new life and always remember who you are and ultimately, who you want to be.

Mary - posted on 02/09/2009

I know how you feel, My husband and I are seperated now for about 2mths. It's been hard for me to deal with. He says he just needs to deal with sme things inside himself and he's not looking at Divorce, just some time away for a while.... I have 3 boys but none of them are his, but he thinks of them as his own, and my boys love him as if he were their own father.... He really is a great guy, just going thru what I call a mid-life crisis!! lol! I began going thru pre-menopause really bad this past year, but didn't know it until he had already left. I have been in it for about 3yrs. now according to my Dr. and what I've told him. He says I should be in Menopause at age 45. yiks!!! I'm just not ready for it at all!!! I feel I'm to young for this...... If you ever need to talk I'm here for ya....  take care of you first and foremost!!!

Lesley - posted on 02/04/2009

Thank you all for so much wnderful advice...things have really made a turn around...although my daughter is becoming mor and more disrespectful...at least her father is becoming more of a presence in her life. I have begun finding myself and really like who I am meeting in "me"...I AM dating, only because my ex and I have,emotionlly, been apart for almost 3 years and I am ready to move on...dating is fun...My kids are kept from it though...they needn't knw for any reson yet. To them, this whole thing is brand new.

Mary - posted on 01/20/2009

I feel for you. My husband and I have been seperated since the first of Dec. I came back from my Grandmothers funeral in Kansas and he was gone, didn't ven have the balls to tell me before this that he was thinking of leaving he just left.  We had been apart for 4 yrs. because I was in a custod battle w/my ex and my 2 youngest boys. I finally got custody of my 16yr. Sept. of 07' and moved down sto Indiana where my husband was. He recently told me that he gave it a year and things just didn't come together, not sure what he meant by that! I recently found out that I'm in premenopause and have been for about 3 yrs. now.  I was very moody and extremly irritable and had no desire for sex and I guess he just couldn't deal w/that. I didn't find put what was wrong w/me until after he left, and I told him but he didn't seem to care at all, which is so not like him at all, but he isn't saying anything about divorce yet so I'm at a loss as what to do.... We have been together for 10yrs. And I'm not able to work due to severe back problems and he knows this but still doesn't care weatheror not me and my boys(not his) have anything in life or me having health Ins.  I just need some advice. I did ask him if there was someone else he swears there isn't but I'm not so sure. He's almost 60yrs. and I never thought that he would ever leave me and my boys I guess he didn't mean his vows, in good times and bad, when things got bad for him he just gives up and leaves.I asked him about counseling and said it doesn't work.. This is not the man I married!!

Tammy - posted on 01/10/2009

Lesley, you are not alone. Many of us have been (or are in) a similar position. Too many of us lose ourselves (in marriage, motherhood and caring for others) and are not sure where to begin when you have to start over. The suggestions that are here are great... I just wanted to let you know that you can do it!

Jennifer - posted on 01/09/2009

Hang in there! Starting over is never easy, counseling helped my family a lot. Kids always want their parents to be together, but in time they do see a new light.Just keep things light and open with your child so that they can talk to you as needed. Good Luck

Lisa - posted on 01/09/2009

I love to use the library, a wonderful unlimited resource. Since you have internet, you can search for books by subject. You might get thrown over to Amazon.com, but make a list and just go to the library. Sorry, I can't remember the names of the books that I don't still own. I realized the 2 best books I read were more for me, finding myself. I am a Christian, and these books are written from scriptural perspectives. One is called: When the Vow Breaks by Joseph Warren Kniskern. The second is: Love must be Tough by James Dobson. Some parenting books I read are: Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp and Training your Children to turn out Right by David Sorenson. In one parenting book I read soon after the divorce, I was learning about children's personalities and actually identified my ex-husband. It was okay for me to go ahead and label him since I was not concerned about how he would feel about it. I have never talked about this to anyone in front of my kids! The more I learned about that personality type, the less guilt I felt about failing in marriage. Yes, finding yourself is exactly what you need to focus on for awhile, after your kids go to bed, of course!

Sterling - posted on 01/08/2009

If you can afford it, I would seek some therapy. I am going through a divorce too and have been separted from ex since November. So it hasnt been long for me either. anyways my therapist suggested these books to read. Mom's house, dad's house, making two homes for your child, by Isolina Ricci, this is a good book to read for your self esteem. Women and self esteem, understanding and improving the way we think and feel about ourselves by Linda Tschirhart Sanford and Mary Ellen Donovan



hope these books help, I am just starting on them too. Also right now is the time to do all of the things lisa posted. good luck and take care!

Lesley - posted on 01/08/2009

Thank you Lisa...My ex and I have been emotionally separated for years ... well since I got pregnant... and I am lonely for male companionhip...but I will heed your advice and try to stay away from them...Any suggestions on single parenting books?

Lisa - posted on 01/08/2009

My advice for you while you are trying to find yourself: get financial support from him for the kids, it helps buy you time to figure out what you want to do, renew your RN license, keep things consistent and stable for your children, stay away from men, read some good books about being single parenting. You might consider relocating at some point in the future, to start a new life. Not now, your kids need stability and your mother needs you to visit her!