Not sure if i belong is this group help?

Christine - posted on 12/29/2009

From a mom's perspective. It does not matter if you are Blood related or Love related as far as I am concerned. My daughter's dad and step-mom have been together since she was just about a year old and she requires my daughter to call her by her proper name, she is not allowed to call her mom, but her little sister who is blood related is. I actually had issue when this came up because my daughter asked me what she did wrong/bad to not be ALLOWED to call her mom. I tried to talk to my ex and his wife about it and hit a block wall. What she kept telling me was that since she did not give birth to her it wasn't ok. Now understand, I really dont like this woman to put it kindly because she constantly spews out she's not my responsibility yet when she wants her way and realizes it might not happen, she changes her tune.
I personally think that if a child loves, trusts and respects you enough to want to call you mom then they should be allowed to.
I guess what I am trying to say is, those kids are going to need you to be strong and to let them know and reassure them that what is going on is NOT THEIR FAULT, ITS BETWEEN MOM AND DAD. The hardest part is theirs ages right now. As they become teenagers it's easier to try to help them understand why mom walked away,healthm drugs, mental status what ever it might be but with younger children you can't just tell them because she did. Your going to have to cushion the blow while saving their self-esteem and self worth and do similar to what I did.
What I had to do was tell my daughter this " Honey I am not sure why you are not allowed to call her mom but I am sure that she loves you very much just as your dad and I do." I just turned it into her step-moms issue and not my daughters.
The best you can do for the whole family is to let them know you love them and will be there.

Megan - posted on 12/20/2009

Quoting Megan:

Not sure if i belong is this group help?

I am actually a step mother to two wonderful kids.... the situation is really wierd when it comes to the kids... the mother has only supervise visits with the kids and does not take advantage of that hardly ever... the kids for right now live with my husbands ex inlaws and we get them every other weekend till we can find a place for all of us to live comfortable... the children do have divorced parents and they had a nasty marriage for the begining and the oldest i believe remembers some of the fights the mother and father had... i just dont know if this is the group for me can you please let me know??

Hi Megan,

                I am not a step-mom. But, my parents are divorced and so am I. (All be it was a common law for me but thats beside the point). My mother had sole custody of me but my father did remarry. My stepmom was there for me anytime I needed her to be. She is a wonderful woman. Even now that she and my father are divorced I still say shes my stepmom. She made it a point to be available to me anytime I needed a hand. No we were never particularly close, but the point is I grew to love her. Granted we are more like friends, but that's what I needed at the time.

             Either way, the only advice I can give is be there. At extra curricular activities, read bedtime stories to them. I don't know if you are particularly religious, but if you or the kids are, try saying a bedtime prayer with them.  And yes you should be here. If you feel like a momish role model to theese kiddos, youre in the "mom shoes" (as their real one is being a, well, not nice person). Just by posting in this forum shows how much you care. Yeah, you belong here. And don't worry if anyone says anything differant. You love them like a mother should. So welcome.     :-)

Megan - posted on 12/12/2009

Thank you so much for the advise... i am 13 years younger then jeremy he is 35 and i am 22 so this is kind of new to me... his kids are 7 (damon) and 3 (marissa). The good thing is when i first meet them they took to me imediately... the only hard thing is the ex in laws dont care to much for there daddy... but they really dont like there own daughter.... so i am not sure if that is actually why she does not go around that much or not... but we do do what we can... we try calling over there probably about every other day just to talk to them and see how they are doing... its a hit and miss thing but we dont give up... and we are always checking the schools website for damon to see if any functions or programs are coming up because we know that the ex in laws wont tell us and one of us if not both try and be there... this pasted summer damon did his first sport baseball... we went to every game and every practice... we even particapated in the team parents things... like beinging snacks and drinks for the kids... marissa goes to a christian day care... jeremy goes up there when ever he has a break from work to visit and see her through out the week... he also goes to damons school and has lunch with him.... his kids are his life... and honestly they have become mine too... i know it hurts them more then anything that he does not have them full time and that is his dream and presonally it is mine too.... i just wish things were easier between him and the ex in laws.... the other problem we do have is that the ex in laws give them what ever they want to shut them up... so as far as discipline they have very little... when they come over for the weekends we do have them we try to discipline them but it is something every hard to do... for example... they eat nothing but junk food and all they do is watch tv over as there granparents house... we dont believe a child should have junk food unless they have finish eating all of there dinner lunch or whatever the meal is... if they are still are a little hungry after that then they get what we call there suprise... and as far as the whole tv thing drives us nuts... we dont watch to much tv our selfs we are typically very productive people and we feel like a whole day of the kids watching tv is not anything good... they dont get a chance to use there imagination and just play around and burn some energy... we dont want to seem mean to them but we also want them to know we are the parents and step parents and that they can not walk al over us....

i always hope to have a relationship like you and your step daughter does... that would be so wonderful...i am glad to hear that yall are close... and that she does let you know about all the important things going on in her life... to me that means that she looks up to you....

Mandie - posted on 12/11/2009

Megan lots of us on here are step moms and I feel that the kids are from a divorce situation so that makes it ok. Also just so you know there is a group on here called Step Moms that is specifically for the type of advice that you are seeking. The girls on there are great and you will make some new friends there too. Good luck

Marjean - posted on 12/11/2009

Quoting Megan:

Not sure if i belong is this group help?

I am actually a step mother to two wonderful kids.... the situation is really wierd when it comes to the kids... the mother has only supervise visits with the kids and does not take advantage of that hardly ever... the kids for right now live with my husbands ex inlaws and we get them every other weekend till we can find a place for all of us to live comfortable... the children do have divorced parents and they had a nasty marriage for the begining and the oldest i believe remembers some of the fights the mother and father had... i just dont know if this is the group for me can you please let me know??

Greetings Megan:

I am a step Mom as well.

Let's start with the mother that does not take advantage of her vitation rights. You really can not force her to visit, but what you can dois be there for the the best that you can.I think it is vital to let them see you at the ex in laws. Go to everything they participate in whether it be sports, plays.concerts etc.And call them often. Because you need to break the ice once you all move in together it will not be so weird.Example: My oldest stepdaughter was 14 when I met her. When I would come to visit we would go to her games at her high school and watch her cheer. Then once she knew her Dad and I were getting married I gave her my email. And I waited on her to reach out to me.

Another example with her she was in her senior year. And on one of my visits she asked me what should she write about for her college enterance essay. And we worked on it and until it was ready to send to the colege. And she then had my cell phone number and the minute she recieved the letter of acceptance she called me and said ThankYou for helping me get into college.And we have been close ever since. She has since then graduated from college this past August and entering into a new laife. So she always ask me for advise. And sure it piss others off but it doesn't matter she knows and I know what we have and no one can break that!!! 

But you need to start breaking that ice before you all move in together. So they know yur there for them good or bad.

GOD BLESS,

Marjean