Overnite visits with husband and his new mistress

Angela - posted on 12/05/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I had to let my daughter go with her father overnite yesterday, In mediation we agreed that we would not leave our daughter with anyone that wasn't family, we wouldn't curse around her or he wouldn't smoke around her. I texted him around 430 and asked my husband what our daughter was doing he texted nad said she was watching a movie, and than called his cell 15 mins later to talk with her, he claimed that he was at the gas station getting something for her and left her with the mistress(that he told the mediators was his roomate) and then called agin to speak with her later, mind you the gas station is a block away from his apartment, he than didn't answer, so I went to his apartment and knocked on the door, I called him back and asked him again where she was, because it looked as if no one was home, to make a long story short I went looking for my daughter at his old apartment him and the mistress shared, the people stated that they weren't there, and then drove back to his apartment to see another young lady walk in, I then knocked again and the mistress yelled through the door that I needed to wait for my husband, I called the police and they stated that there was nothing I could do because the guidlelines weren't in black and white, to make a long story short the mistress starting running off at the mouth through the window and he didn't show up until 2 hours later, what am I to do? If I don't let her go, I could go to jail !!! I called to speak with her and he doesn't answer or hangs the phone up not even a minute after she picks up. What can I do?

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Megan - posted on 12/05/2009

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well, have it put in black and white. youre the custodial parent so the courts should be open to a request. if not make a report against the girlfriend. she is a stranger and was acting aggresivly towards you. also, because she is a stranger and wouldnt let you see your child, that COULD be abduction. im not sure though. check your local laws google is a good place to start. look it up. either way you can report the girlfriend for mental abuse against a child. youre her mother and b/c the g/f was freaking out on you they can imagine what it did to your kiddo. next time when the cops come tell them you want to file a complaint. ONLY if it happens again. but like i said check your local laws. i know when it comes to my kid i hit my ex where it hurts...everywhere.

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Jennifer - posted on 05/30/2011

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get on teh phone with your lawyer. write down everything you just said here in detail. make notes of when you called and what were told and so on.

Jennifer - posted on 05/30/2011

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get on teh phone with your lawyer. write down everything you just said here in detail. make notes of when you called and what were told and so on.

Andrea - posted on 01/12/2010

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Take him to court and get the papers changed to say that no member of the opposite sex that is not a relative can stay overnight if the child is in his care.

Lisa - posted on 12/30/2009

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My suggestion is to go back to court. You want to change current custody agreement. I know exactly how you feel. I'm going through something similar. You need to get that custody agreement in black and white so that the police can do something. Good Luck

Christine - posted on 12/29/2009

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You definitely have to have it put in black and white and as soon as you can. You also need to state in your paperwork exactly who is and is not allowed to watch your daughter for any length of time in either house and have it stated that any breach of such agreement is against the parental agreement and grounds for immediate revision of all paperwork and visitation. Be sure to have it stated in the paperwork as well that neither parent shall talk ill of the other parent nor shall they allow anyone else to talk ill of the absent parent as the custodial parent at the time can/will be held responsible for the statements and actions of all those they are involved with or associate with while the minor child is in they custody. Be sure that you DO NOT sign anything with out having a clear and concise understanding of all legal verbiage in your paperwork.
The other option you have for an immediate assurance that you child is ok is to request a Welfare Check from the local law enforcement, but BE VERY CAREFUL with this, as it can be used against you to show harassment.
I went through a similar situation with my daughters dad when she was younger and we did mediation and it was very rough. My ex's girlfriend did all his paperwork and had us back and forth months until I finally had enough.
You set up mediation and be sure that it is stated in the paperwork that only the biological parents involved are to be in the meeting and make the decisions for your daughter. Then you all get specific schedule information as to what the work schedule is, if working while she is there who will be watching her, what is the address and phone number of where she will be, and what time will she be back with her father. Also have it stated in your paperwork that either parent is allowed to call to speak with your daughter once a day and that if neither party gets an answer set up a time line so that say if you were to call your daughter at noon and no one answered and you did not get a call back within 2 hours and you were not notified of any travel that either party can request a Welfare check for lack of communication/contact. It is a rough process to go through but it is well worth it in the long run. The other thing you need to start doing ASAP is get a journal and document every phone call, message that is left, lack of contact, DO NOT FOR ANY REASON go over to his place without someone with you and more importantly they need to be outside the situation and able to not comment on ANYTHING because if it gets ugly having a calm outside person to support what you may have to take to court, you need someone that they cant push buttons for reaction. Also in this digital age if conversations are to heated between you do it via email or IM. Remember though that the net is a public domain so anything you write anywhere over the Inter-Net is subject to being used against you in court not only for custody but as a personal law suit for defamation of character. Anytime you post to a blog like this or say notes on FB, it is no longer private information between you and friends, it is public information for anyone who can access it.
If you ever have questions on any of it just send me a note, it sounds like your going through almost exactly what I did.
Have strength, you will get through this and be much stronger for it. There are lots of moms on here willing to help.

Lisa - posted on 12/19/2009

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Guidelines were put into affect in writing when we got custody arrangements done too, so I would definitely seek to get this in writing. I'm not really sure what to say other than that. I go through the same type thing with my ex and my kids in that I call when I 'need' to talk to them and leave a message because he NEVER picks up the phone to us and then when they don't return the call, I know he has not given them the message. I tested this once when I was going for surgery. I told my daughter to look for a call from me that night when I got out so they would know mommy was doing okay and when they came home I asked, and my daughter said they didn't ever get the message and that she knew I had called because I told her I would and she knows I do what I say I'm going to. I asked my ex about this and he said he gave them the message and they didn't want to call me back. I know my kids better than that. Now, I don't call unless it's an emergency because it really doesn't matter....he will never stop.

Connie - posted on 12/15/2009

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I agree completely with Mandie Black. When dealing with this issue everyone has their point of view about what is going on. No court room is going to allow you to dictate how your husband or ex lives his life or whom he lives with. It appears that you need to step back and decide what it is you really need for you to move on. Also, are your current action showing that you are being responsible? It appears as if you are creating a hostile environment. The way you are trying to protect your child may backfire and make you look like the bad parent. You need to be very careful. Your daughter is watching everything you do and you are teaching her how to handle this situtation. Be careful not to impose your feeling onto your daughter. Children do not handle anxiety well. Be the rock your daughter needs you to be. Try never to put her father down in front of her. If you feel that the woman that was watching your daughter is a threat to your daughter then you need to go to court and prove your case. Otherwise, my advise would be lay aside your feelings and get to know the woman that may become her step mother.

Raechel - posted on 12/08/2009

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Most definately get something in writing! If he is going to continue his visits this way, then something needs to be looked into, like supervised visits. That way he won't feel the need to leave her alone with someone you hardly know for two hours. Talk to a lawyer, or a case worker and go over your options.

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I think you need to be very careful of calling her his mistress. Regardless of how your marriage broke up, it's not helpful to your child to hear any aggression from either of you, even if it is passive-aggressive. Remeber this is much more about your daughter than it is about you- she is scared right now, kids always are when their paretns spilt no matter how 'amicable' the split. She doesnt need to see your anger right now. You may have a right to be, but she doesnt need to be a part of it.
I'm not saying that he has done the right thing here, obviously I wasnt there and cant make an intelligent assessment having not been an actual witness; but I would also warn against going to his house and repeatedly calling. In some places this could be considered stalking, even if you believe you are doing it for your child's sake. I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate him texting and then almost immediately ringing and then turning up at your house. Perhaps he is not answering because he is feeling badgered by you.
If you have concerns thoroughly document them and address them in the appropriate place. You are not, I presume, a police officer- since you called the police and this kind of behaviour can be seen in court as you interfering with the child's and the fathers' rights.
If you want tighter restrictions then I agree with the other posters that you need to revisit court. But until then you cannot just enforce your will. I also think it's important to remember that, like it or not, he is the other parents and has rights too; unless/until a court takes them away. You also need to be reasonable- if this woman actually is his roomate he can hardly ask her to leave her own home during his vistiations. If she is something more then perhaps she is considered family- where I live she would be considered a step-parent and this legally makes her family. You may not like that but it may be a fact of law. Another fact is that whether it's this woman or another, he is clearly not going to be alone for the rest of his life and at some point some other woman is going to be in yr child's life. Perhaps you need to work out what your feelings actually are? Are you concerned about his parenting? Or more about his new personal life that doesnt inculde you? What is your motivation here? I only say this because you seem to be a little fixated. You may also need to find a way to deal with your concerns that is not so confrontational, both for your own sake and your children's?

Olivia - posted on 12/06/2009

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You need to go back to mediation and make things black and white. The custody agreement I have with ex I had it put in writing that our children were to be left with NO ONE, that the other parent was to be given first choice to have the kids. Another thing I had put into our custody agreement was that the children could not be with anyone who was not fingerprinted AND drug tested. I agree with Megan that you should look into your local laws.
I am so sorry you are going through this. Here is a cyber hug.

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