Please correct me if I'm wrong, i'm just so aggravated

Jamie - posted on 07/21/2009 ( 13 moms have responded )

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My daughter's great-grandmother died (father's side). The wake was yesterday, the funeral is today. My ex and my daughter have basically no relationship left thanks to him. She wont see him, wont talk to him if she doesnt have to and he only lives a few blocks away. He's been swearing up down that he's changed and blah blah blah. Yesterday at the wake she overhears him saying that he was so wasted friday night from drinking that he doesnt remember anything. The alcohol is one of the reasons why she wont talk to him. Today he picks her up for the funeral and he has his new girlfriend with him that of course my daughter has never met. He has a habit of just throwing new girlfriends in her face and then when he breaks up with them expects her not to be upset after she's gotten attached. I can understand the girlfriend wanting to be supportive but no one in the family has even met her. I'm sorry but I just feel it's wrong to do this. There's a time and place to introduce a new girlfriend but a funeral is not it, especially to a child that you're already having relationship problems with.

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Joanna - posted on 09/04/2009

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The sad thing is, no one can change him but him. Sounds like he hasn't changed and isn't going to. The only people that can do anything about his and her relationship is him and her. Unfortunately he is ruining or has ruined their relationship. The best thing you can do is be there for her when she comes home and listen. Don't talk badly about him no matter what. Just listen. If she asks for advise, try to do it in question form like asking her what she thinks. She might want and need to go to counseling and your insurance probably will cover it. More and more are now, find it very preventative. You are absolutely right he is making horrible decisions. But it only makes him look the fool. She is at the age though to be able to decide what she is comfortable doing with him and what she is not. Especially if she has overheard that he is drinking again, you need to support her comfort feelings and explain that to him if needed. If she is wanting to go to something, but not with him, offer to take her. Support her as much as possible. It will help her so much and your relationship with her! That way she doesn't feel so abandoned by him.

Kendra - posted on 09/02/2009

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First of all, I'm really sorry that you and your daughter are having to deal with such a difficult situation. Unfortunately this seems to be the hand you're dealt at the moment and so we have no choice but to make the best of it. As a family life coach, you can imagine that divorce and the aftermath that follows is one of the most common issues I deal with. I'm also a divorced and remarried mother of two myself! The thing that helps me the most is to remember that I have no control over what my ex chooses to do, who he chooses to date, etc. The reason that I divorced him was so that I wouldn't be spending the rest of my life with the wrong person - I'm certainly not going to devote my life now to being angry with him all the time and trying to control his choices - I might as well have stayed married to him! You can only control your actions and reactions, and your daughter needs you to be calm, level headed, happy, centered, etc...because she really only has one parent to rely on, and if don't find a way to move forward and let go of anger, judgement and control, what is she left with? I wish you peace and love on this journey, and will be happy to help in any way that I can - we're so much stronger when we work together! Try repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over and over.... and feel free to visit my website theheartoftransition.com to sign up for my free newsletter - it might offer some info and support that you'll find helpful?

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13 Comments

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Tee - posted on 09/24/2009

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Hey Jamie,my name is Tee. I am a divorced mother of 4. I have been through this and so much more. My advice to you is to just let him dig his own ditch because thats exactly what he's doing. What these dumb ass men fell to realize is,these children always draw their own conclusions.If he is not careful,he will wake up one day and she won't have nothing to do with him.....trust me when I say that it is the hardest thing to adjust to.....we all want our children to have a relationship with their fathers....unfortunately the judge can't honor that.

Hang in their sweetie,it will work its self out.

Audrey - posted on 09/17/2009

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I don't think it's appropriate to 1.) discuss being drunk the night before or 2.) introduce your daughter to your new girlfriend at a funeral. I hope your daughter is ok. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

[deleted account]

I'm with you girl- I am a step mum and I think that's rotten. If the new grilfriend had any sense she would have told him she'd meet the family another time. They sound like very selfish people. Yr poor daughter, my thoughts are with her.

Harriet - posted on 09/15/2009

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FUNERAL ASIDE, YOU SHOULD NOT ALLOW HIM TO DO THAT TO YOUR DAUGHTRE....GROUND RULES MUST BE PUT IN PLACE FOR INTRDUCING PARTNERS INTO YOUR DAUGHTER LIFE...THAT SHOULD GO GO FOR THE BOTH OF YOU. I TOLD MY EX TO BE THAT, I DON'T CARE WHO HE SEES OR SLEEPS WITH BUT I WOULD NOT TOLERATE HIM BRING FEMALES IN OUR KIDS LIFES LEFT AND RIGHT. IF WE DO, IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT AND HAD TO HAVE BEEN SEEING HER FOR ABOUT 6M TO A YEAR BEFORE HE THINKS ABOUT BRINGING THAT FEMALE IN THEIR LIFES. AND IT HAS WORKED SO FAR. YOU NEED TO DO THAT TO AVOID WHATS GOING ON NOW WITH YOUR DAUGHTER AND HER DADDY.

Joanna - posted on 08/24/2009

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You are absolutely right, but it has already happened... sooooo have a coffee with your best friend, vent and then "bury" it... it is far to easy to let every little thing they do aggravate us, they're or exes... move onto some affordable therapy shopping or chocolate after the venting and then take a deep breath and remember he has a girlfriend to aggravate now, lol. You are the only one who has the power to decide whether he can aggravate you. Btw, it helps to write down how you feel, then rip up the paper very slowly into tiny piece and throw it away (symbolic but true). Hope you feel less agitated soon and don't let him get to you so much again... Best wishes!

Glenda - posted on 08/08/2009

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Sounds like he doesn't realize there are any problems with his relationship with her. Alcohol has a way of making you see thru rose colored glasses and that nothing is wrong. As for the girlfriend, I can see why she was there with him and it is unfortunate that she was introduced that way, but regardless of his faults, he is allowed support during a family death. Maybe you can try talking to him about the number of women he introduces her to.....that would be a sticky conversation but it's the only solution I see.

Anna - posted on 08/07/2009

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you sre totaly right. my ex picked our son up for visitation and never even mentioned to me that she has moved in with him so i could prepare him for it and he absolutely hates her and he's only 3 1/2

Cortnie - posted on 07/31/2009

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I agree... That is just wrong. The girl is greeving over her dead grandmother and he wants to bring a new girl into the picture... WOW! Sounds like my dad all over again. I basically have no relationship with him (because of alcohol) and he used to pull stuff like that when I was your daughters age. It isn't right for him to do to your daughter. If he isn't careful, he will loose her all together. My son is 6 months old and my dad has only him twice. All you can do is take your daughter and hold her tight and let her know that none of this is her fault and that no matter what, you will always love her and be there for her.

Julie - posted on 07/26/2009

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I agree with you that he was so wrong to bring the new girolfriend into the picture at such a time. I am at the beginning stages of the separation and feel there should be sometime before introducing new girlfriends or boyfriend to the girls. To avoid the swinging door of "significant others" they shoulod be significant and committed to the relationship before being introduced to avoid the confussion. He feels differently. Said what if he meets someone in 6 months and feels she is the one? I said so what you still need to be sure and give the girls a chance to adjust to us being apart first. Am I wrong?

Jamie - posted on 07/21/2009

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My daughter is 14. She came home a little while ago and needless to say she's pretty pissed off, even she thought it was wrong for him to bring her. He hasnt been much of a father to her the last 10 years and they've hardly spoken the last year.

Toni - posted on 07/21/2009

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First of all, how old is your daughter? That plays a certain roll in things. In my opinion, if there could be cordial conversation/discussion with the dad...I would ask if he could ask the girlfriend to not attend the funeral while he brings his daughter and that this is a time for him and her to get through together. Not that she's not that to support him, but if she's any kind of girlfriend she would understand and that would be a tremendous help and a good way for her to help support him. He, in my opinion, should only bring his daughter to the funeral. This may help their relationship go to the next step. BUT, if there's no discussing it, the age is very important in this circumstance to provide another opinion. If she's a teenager, he will be destroying his relationship on his own by bringing a new girlfriend with them to the funeral. If she's younger, I don't think I would allow him to take her, but to go myself and bring her to meet up with her Dad and support her afterward.

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