Should I stay or should I go now?

Melissa - posted on 06/07/2011 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I'm not sure anyone will really be able to help or advise me, but more than anything I just need someone to talk to!!



I've been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. I've known him since I was 15. I'd been in a relationship previous to this, and 2 weeks after finding out my then-boyfriend was cheating on me with my then-best friend (his now-wife (0: ) I found out I was pregnant with my son. When I was about 5 months pregnant, my friend and I started seeing each other.



Things were really great. He went to every doctors appointment with me, he took care of me when I needed someone, he listened, he was the friend I'd always had and the partner I felt I'd been looking for. I was really nervous about getting into a relationship while pregnant. After my breakup from the baby's biological father I'd decided I didn't want to be with anyone - I was completely content just living me and my baby. But we had such a history, connection and bond, I guess you could say I made an acception.



From the beginning, he'd been my sons father. He stayed with me every night in the hospital, he sat with me through my cesarean, he cut my sons umbilical cord and was the first to hold him. He's been an amazing father; he's offered financial stability, love, compassion, security, devotion, guidance, and I consider my son very lucky to have him.



Through out our relationship, he's been going to school and I've been working. He has a significant family inheritance that he's been using to help support us along with my income from working. I work for my family's store, and day cares really freak me out (personal anxieties lol) so my son comes to work with me every day. I feel like it's gotten to the point in our relationship ... where I just can not stand him. I feel like I can't say or do anything without it being wrong!



Example: for my Christmas present he paid for a trip to Twin Mountain, New Hampshire, where my grandparents used to live and I used to spend about half the year with them. It's been about 15 years since they'd sold their house up there, and I hadn't been up since, so I set up the trip for this spring and we went. Every single day, every chance he had, something was wrong. We wanted to find my son some new shoes, and I wanted to go for a drive, so I figured we'd take a ride through the mountains into a little town I knew and find a shop for kids there. No. That was wrong. I should have stopped before the ride. So when I said, "well, what does it matter? He doesn't need shoes in the car!" to which I got an exhasperate sigh and a "well dear, it would be really nice to know he has shoes before going anywhere". I mean, I know that THAT doesn't seem that bad, but please, imagine getting remarks like that ... AAALLL the time!!



I mean, after my son was born I decided to go back to school part time WHILE working (while bringing my son to work with me every day) and my boyfriend (who was the one who pushed me to go back to school in the first place) assured me that he'd watch the baby and make sure I had enough time to get my school work done. I was REALLY nervous about this because I really didn't want to fail. Well, needless to say right from the get-go any time I had work to get done, I also had a baby to tend to while my boyfriend worked on his school work or played video games. If I asked him to please watch the baby for me while I tried to get some school work done, more times than not I'd get "Well, I have work of my own that I really need to do. If I don't get this done I'll fail my class." EVERY assignment was apparently fail or pass for him, even though he ended up literally getting straight A's. If he really didn't have an assignment and he knew I knew it, I got a "siighh ... really dear?" Like, YES! REALLY DEAR!



And yes, I understand, he's NOT my sons biological father, he doesn't owe me anything, but that's the thing. He CHOSE to be a father. He was not ropped into this, he was not drafted, he was not trapped. He walked into this with open arms and said "I want to be the father of this child". I don't care if you're blood related or not, if you accept a child as your own you damn well better care for it as your own! *Breath* Ok. So we're past that. He does care for my son as his own, he came around quickly and realized what being a father was all about. But I still get attitude CONSTANTLY.



Just today I got home from working an 8 hour shift on my feet running around after my son who is now 18 months old while dealing with customers AND I'm pregnant, so I'm sure you can imagine, I'm exhausted. The second I walk in the door I let my so loose to play, and I colapse on the couch. My boyfriend says to me "are we going grocery shopping today?" and I say "if you'd like to, sure, we can go" and he says "well ... that doesn't really answer my question. Are we going kind of means WHEN are we going." Let me just point out that NO IT DOES NOT!! But to keep the peace I simply say "I don't really care, when do you want to go?" and he says "Well do you want to go now or later?" WHY CAN YOU NOT JUST ANSWER A QUESTION?? So I say "We can go now if you'd like." So he says "Ok well, we can't really do that if you're napping on the couch now can we." UGH!!



So then we're at the grocery store and I've really been wanting to make bath salts. An ingredient for that is sea salt. I find sea salt, and I'm carrying the baby, so I ask him to grab me a couple of containers. Can he just grab them for me because I asked him nicely? ABSOLUTELY NOT! He says "Well, do you really think you should buy them here? Shouldn't you go to a craft store or something?" So I say "No, honey, I've been looking at craft stores, none of them carry sea salt." So AGAIN instead of just grabbing them for me he says "Well, are you sure? Because you can probably get it cheaper at a craft store." Have any of you ever been to a craft store? NOTHING is cheaper at a craft store. So I say "Sweetie, sea salt is a food, they're really not going to have it at a craft store." So what does he do? He just keeps walking! He says "Well I don't think getting it here is a good idea." Not only does he say that and keep walking, he leaves me carrying my son AND having to push a cart FULL of heavy groceries! So whatever, I grabbed the salt myself and kept going. So when it was time to check out I walked over to the self check out like we always do. I prefer to bag things on my own, and all of the cashier lines were super busy. We go to the self check out ... every time. But this time for whatever reason my boyfriend says "We should really go to a cashier" and I say "why?" and he says "Because it doesn't make sense to ring ourselves out." So I'm confused at this point and say "Why not?" and he says "Because we have a lot of groceries" and I say "Honey we don't have any more this time than we do any time we grocery shop." So he takes the baby from me and says "Fine well we'll be in the car so have fun."



Like ... WHY?? What exactly is the point in being like this ALL the time?? And it is without any exaggeration what so ever ALL the time! I love him, I do. When he's not making these stupid comments, he does make me laugh, but it's like the stupid comments and jerky attitude are just getting to be more and more and really it's to the point that when I get home after work, I just want to go sit in my room. If my boyfriend is free to play with the baby, I go sit and work on some artsy craft I want to do and avoid him, or if he's busy with school work I bring the baby into his room and play with him there. But meanwhile I'm pregnant with his baby now! (And no, I didn't mean to get pregnant - 2nd time birth control hasn't worked, but I'm really really against abortion outside of extreme cases and really just because it's unplanned doesn't mean it's unwanted ... it's just inconvenient at this time - without trying to sound mean against my own baby :0/ ) But aside from being pregnant, I have no where to go. My parents have a finished basement but it's my dads "man room" and believe me, he would not be giving that up, and he would NOT be happy with a baby in the house. He loves his grandson, but he loves that he can visit. Nothing more. My grandparents have room in their house but my grandmothers health is so up and down having a toddler (let alone TWO kids) in the house would just be too much stress for her. And getting a place of my own is out of the question because I have no savings and ALL of my money goes to bills.



A few weeks ago I had a threatened miscarriage, so I was on bedrest for 2 weeks. Very strict bed rest. Luckily my boyfriend was on break from school so he was able to take care of our son during the day. I really only ended up staying on bed rest for one week though, because he started throwing in side comments on how I wasn't doing anything for our son. Excuse me?? I'm on BED REST! I almost MISCARRIED! And every single day of that little boys likfe I have been the one to get up with him in the morning, change his diapers, make his meals, buy his clothes, EVERYTHING! And he had to do it for ONE week and suddenly I don't do anything?? THAT really hurt.



But it's not even the comments. I feel sometimes like I'm the man and he's the girl. I remember back when I was on school part time, we both had a class on Thursday nights, so my mother would watch the baby. So we'd have the baby, his booster seat, his diaper bag, the bag with his clothes incase he spit up along with his jammies and some blankets, and then a bag of toys. He NEVER helped me bring any of this in! And we were always running late because he can never ever be on time for ANYTHING (it got to the point where my professor told me if I was late again then I may as well withdraw from the class because I'd fail anyways) so I'd have to grab everything in one trip and rush it all in. And it's like that for just about everything. I get very little help with any amount of manual labor.



Even just tonight after grocery shopping, when we got home I brought everything inside while he got the baby inside, and then I left the groceries in the kitchen and went and laid down on the couch. He walks into the kitchen and says "So I guess I'LL be putting everything away then." So I replied "I had to scan in and bag everything, so you get to put everything away." So he says "Well I would have helped you if you hadn't picked the most ignorant option available." Can someone please explain to me how self-check out is ignorant? Please?



And before you suggest talking to him ... I have. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've rehashed situations to try and make him see my side of things, I've expressed my feelings, I've cried, I've attempted discussions, I've threatened to leave, I HAVE left (spent a week at my moms and used my brothers room while he was a way) and he swears up and down that he's doing nothing wrong. He's an english major and has outstanding vocabulary, so he really enjoys just talking in circles and circles, and even though you know it's happening, he just keeps going until you're either convinced you're crazy, convinced you're just being a bitch, or too confused to keep going. It's really just too stressful, and I can honestly say I've NEVER been this unbelievably sad ALL the time. I just sit in my room sometimes and cry because I just feel so sad and lost and alone and I feel like I have no way of getting out of this feeling. I should be happy! I'm having a baby! I have an amazing, beautiful, smart, funny little boy who is my whole world! There's no excuse for being so sad but Ijust feel like he drags me down so far I can barely breath sometimes!



And I'm sorry this is so long and drawn out, but I can't even talk to my friends about any of this. I never get space enough to talk on the phone (my walls are thin so even in my room he'd hear me), he goes through my text messages and knows who I talk to on a regular basis and would know if I deleted anything, and he logs my AIM conversations and reads those every now and again, too. He HATES when I talk to people about "our relationship" or "our issues" but it's like ... I can't talk to him, so what am I supposed to do??



It's really to the point where I just want to leave and beg my family to help me pay for a trailer or something so I can just have a space that's just for me and my babies. Something that's mine that can get me out on my own and get my feet on the ground.



But then at the same time, I feel like the worlds meanest monster even considering taking his kids away. And that's exactly how he'd see it. I'd encourage visitation and involvement, like I said he's a WONDERFUL father, he's just a terrible partner and I can't take it anymore.



If you've managed to read all of this, thank you, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Any advice, help, critisism, anything you've got, I appreciate. Thanks so much, ladies.

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Melissa - posted on 06/10/2011

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Thanks :0/ I'm sure he wouldn't go. And he'd just tell me it was a stupid idea for me to go, too. I just feel like there's no good solution to any of this. The thought of staying feels impossible, but the thought of leaving is so heartbreaking for so many reasons. But at the same time, the thought of how life could be once leaving is all said and done, and once I'm settled into my own place ... is exciting. Like I feel like I could be happy! It's just so hard. Which I know is no excuse to drag things out or avoid anything, I just don't know how else to describe it other than hard. It's like ... I love who he used to be, and I love how he used to treat me, but who he's been for so long at this point, I can't stand that person, and I don't see him changing at all. Siiiiiigh. Thanks for your advice :0) I managed to actually talk to a friend yesterday. I went to the grocery store by myself so I was able to have a phone conversation without anyone being able to hear me, and she said it sounds like I've already made the decision to leave, I just don't want to want to leave. She was pretty much on the money. I feel like a failure to my family even thinking of leaving, but at the same time I know fully well that this ISN'T a healthy situation for me or my son or my baby-on-the-way. Like I said, it's just really hard, that's all.

[deleted account]

Counseling. That's all I've got. It doesn't sound like he would go w/ you, but I'd encourage him to. Even if he refuses... go for yourself. He sounds very controlling (w/ the reading of text messages and stuff) and that's not a healthy relationship to be a part of.

I'm sorry. I wish I had something more for you.

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