Supervised Visitation

Mandie - posted on 02/14/2010

I"m not from the US and am a step mom whose hubby's ex had supervised visits so I may not be very helpful- however I understand these situations are fairly standard from country to country. I cant say for legal reasons why my SS's BM was supervised but it was the most serious kind of matter. Here, supervised visits are supposed to be conducted in special centres but she refused to do that b/c it was too inconvenient for her; so it started out as an hour at a set public location with DH as the supervisor. It wasn't great b/c she didnt interact with the kids at all and used the time to try to get back together with DH- the kids would be told "Go away I'm talking to daddy." So it was changed to another adult, usually DH's parents, whom she tried to question about DH's life. VERY quickly it progressed from 1 hour to several, then suddenly overnight visits- this was in a matter of less than a month- despite advice to the court that there wasn't much interaction with the kids and certain matters involving violence were not resolved. Plus she would become physically abusive to DH if he refused to come back to her. At this point the court ordered that set supervisors were to be picked if there were to be overnight stays BUT that it had to be a neutral party and not affliated with either parent. She chose her own family (yes that's right she got to choose)-who did not believe that she was a threat- and some family friends. During the time she was 'supervised' by these people, she self-harmed a few times and committed several more acts of violence IN FRONT of the them and they did not stop her or report it to police or the courts- the most they did was that a few of the supervisors LATER refused to supervise her anymore b/c they "didnt want to get involved" One supervisor got involved with her and later had a child with her. So as a result of their negligence and our inability to prove it, she soon got 50% UNSUPERVISED access- despite the fact that court matters that caused the need for supervision had not even been HEARD yet, never mind resolved (and were not resolved for over a year after this time). I believe there was later another incident with the youngest child and the same thing happened- minimal supervision for an indecently short time and now she has 50% access of that child too. She is CONSTANTLY in breach of various court and protection orders and NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING ever happens- the most we're told is "Oh ok well, we'll have a word with her about that" If my hubby did HALF the things she does he would be in jail for the rest of his life! I dont mean to be negative but this is the reality.

Nicole - posted on 02/13/2010

my ex husband when we got together had 2 children. he had supervised visits with them at mcdonalds with his ex. it lasted for about 2 mont hs. as she got to know me, she lifted the supervised visits as long as i was there. it turnes out that the reason for the supervision was because he was a registered sex offender. That is also the reason we are no longer married. we had a child together but he isnt interested in her which just made it easy for me. i am not too familiar with ptsd. I do have a friend who also suffers from it as a result of his 3 tours but he is suffering in a different way. he and his wife are still together and he spends all his time with his kids. If you are not ready to let him take your son on his own then make the courts aware. they do listen most of the time just as long as you dont seem like you are being spiteful. be sincere in your concerns and show concern for your ex. they will be alot more sympathetic to you and your son. it sound messed up cause it is. you will be able to prolong the unsupervid\sed visits longer. You may even be able to apoint a family member of his if you trust any of them, if the courts allow him. Good luck....

GAYLE - posted on 02/11/2010

I am not sure how the supervised visits work where you live but in Leeds, West Yorkshire, England, the way things went between me & my ex were that we met at a contact centre. At first I didn't want to meet him face to face so they made sure that we never met at first. My lad & I went into a room & I left until it was time to pick him up then my ex had to go into another room while I picked my son up. When I was confident enough to face my ex then we met inside the building and made sure my son was ok then I left him, with a supervisor. I would always ask how things had gone & the supervisor always gave a report of how the contact had gone. These supervisors are trained people who know how to tell if a person is ok to be with the child on their own. It will take time & they will advise you if you ask for it on how they think the situation is going. I would ask for the visits to be only him & your child as if he wants to be with the child then it should only be them two & no outsiders. If your ex is refusing to attend the sessions then he really can't be that bothered about seeing the child, can he?? With the history between you two then I am sure any judge would probably agree with what I am saying. At the end of the day all you really want is what is best for your child & your ex must realise that he needs to put the child first and for now he must make a few sacrifices until he can prove that he is able to care for your child in the correct manner. I can see you haven't had things easy & your child is your main concern, well done for standing up for yourself as I know that is the hardest part. You are a strong woman now & I feel that you will make sure that that you stay that way for both you & your child. Talk to your solicitor/attorney & see where you stand on this as well. Maybe you might just have to make sure that he only sees his son if he does it on his own just so that you know when, and if, the time for him to have your child on his own does come that he can actually take care for him as he should. I know it may take time but eventually what you do now will make your childs life a lot better in the long run. The contact centre would not advise you to allow the child to be with your ex unless they were 1000% sure that he would be safe with him. Good luck.Take care.