teenage son refuses to move in my boyfriend

June - posted on 04/05/2011

I have to say that if boyfriend really wants to live with you he will marry you or he won't move in. Your son is old enough now to know right from wrong and it is us parents that need to teach them that. I moved in BF in when my daughter was 16 and my son 15. After a year, my daughter moved in with her dad....of course I didn't think that she should run my life or tell me how to live it. In the end of a long story, my relationship did NOT work out with my BF and I caught him cheating on a website. Moral of the story, if you are that special and that important, He will marry you if He is the right one that God sent and planned for your life. But I wish you the best in whatever you do. I know its not an easy decision. By the way, BF did not treat my kids like his own, mine were mandated to do things that he never mandated his adult children to do even as adults.

Karen - posted on 04/01/2011

How old is your teenage son? Have you sat down with him to discuss why he doesn't want to move out? Have you explained to him your reasons for wanting to move in with your boyfriend? The level and contents of this discussion will depend on your son's age. It may be that he is afraid that you don't know the guy well enough and that you will end up in a bad relationship again, he may not want to leave his friends and/or his school, or it could be something as simple as not wanting to give up the internet.

You need to discuss his concerns with him and address them - and then, assuming they are nothing serious and just typical teenage stuff, explain to him that you are the parent and you get to decide where you are living and he gets/has to go with you because he is a child.

Stephanie - posted on 03/30/2011

Lynn,
you probably will not like my advice but I am going to go ahead and tell you what I am thinking.. I was also a divorced mother with children and at times lived with my mother so I can sort of feel for your situation. I am not certain how old your children are and that does make a difference because young children just tend to go with the flow of things trusting a mother's or father's judgement but teens begin to question that and especially when they have already experienced a bad situation that we as parents have put them in and that is how most of them view this type of thing because lets face it we dont ask their permission to date, fall in love , or even make decisions that can really effect their lives in a very big way.
I learned this the hard way by getting married to somebody after knowing them for just a few months because i was tired of "doing it alone" and the idea of moving back with mom was just horrific ( for me) she did however like to spoil the kids cause they were little (note that once they became teens she quickly became the intrusive, control freak she was to me in their eyes..because then they had minds of their own and were not scared to voice it)
ok but anyway what i was saying I quickly up and married a man that i knew for only months and he was kind to my two children and seemed to want the same things i wanted in life..WRONG>> its funny that when we are in a situation that is not comfortable for us we tend to make hasty decisions pending the promises of others... well we got married and I got pregnant with my youngest child( the best thing that happened in that relationship) it was a complete nightmare a seven year nightmare to be exact.
and here I had pulled my children into this nightmare with me.. so bad that my daughter ended up living with her father.. This is am still heartbroken about..my oldest son at the time was 7 and he use to beg to stay at his grandmothers apartment on weekends and have her as you put it wait on him hand and foot.. well let me tell you there are so many worse things than being "killed with kindness" and I was living it. I have been divorced from this mistake I made.. and you see I say that I MADE IT because I DID> I am the one who said yes to this situation because I WAS TIRED .. my kids were fine , happy and we were together... I dont know this man you have met.. and honestly and i can say this I dont think you know him well enough not after seven months.. if it was just you..that would be your biz... but its not just your business anymore.. there are three other lives to take care of here and you are the one they count on or should be able to.. I can not tell you the guilt and sadness that goes along with knowing you did something that impacted your own childrens lives.. Your teen may be seeing something you are not because lets face it sometimes we can make excuses for those we "love" out of desperation or being "tired" .. my advice is get on your own two feet... first be able to take care of your children on your own without living with anyone.. parents, boyfriend, relatives ect.. Its time to depend on YOU> this may mean working long hours, learning to budget spending, taking on more responsibility than we really want to, and yes even turning down such invitations as an easy way..(living together) in order to make ends meet.. Your teen is afraid.... bottom line. He is uncertain that this will be good for anyone..and right now he is secure knowing things are being taken care of and hell who doesnt want security? I didnt ask if you were living with your parents cause you wanted to or because of financial reasons that have caused you to have to.. but from your statement about "waiting on him hand and foot" i get the feeling because you have to.. I have been there. but i was there because of another quick bad decision i made.. its like the domino effect. and that can go on and on.. its time to be your own life line meaning getting independent.. when we are needy or in need this can bring out the worst in those that feel they have the upper hand at least that was my situation.. you know working my butt off was not as bad as i thought it was once that was all said and done..
sounds like you have jumped from relationship to parents house and now after seven months of knowing this new man you are ready to jump again.. you need to put yourself in your sons shoes.. why would he want to take that chance when he feels secure at your folks home..if you think that bad relationships are just hard on the adults even the things they dont hear or see they feel from us because it tends to show and they do notice a difference in our moods when we are with them. and he is right to be worried for himself and for is two younger brothers and guess what he is also worried for you even though he may not just come out and say it..cause teens tend to center everything around themselves but he is... your last statements "i dont know how to convince this will be good for us" think about if you were told not asked if you wanted to but told you were going to move somewhere with someone that you didnt know well enough and leave a place where you felt secure and loved for a place you were so uncertain of .. could someone convince you? He has seen what happens when things are not good.. and he doesnt want to re-live it again. what he needs to see is his mother picking herself up and getting herself in a position to be able to Support and Provide for him and his brothers Without having to live with others and you can do it..i know i repeated this twice because its very very important..and its very very important for you... YOU HAVE YOUR OWN FAMILY.. YOUR 3 CHILDREN ARE WITH YOU.. IF ITS TIME FOR YOU TO MOVE OUT DO SO ON YOUR OWN.
if you are unable to do so at this time then its not time for you to move out... sit down and figure out how much you would have to make to live on your own.. its true you have the right to live away from your parents cause i know even though they are just helping that can turn into taking over... believe me.. but they feel the right because now you have become a dependent in their home as well and in a way they are correct. See you dont care about moving into a smaller home or living without internet or someone to wait on you hand and foot.as you mentioned..( which honestly its the security he doesnt want to be without)
and no doubt the internet as well.lol.. its great that you have met someone and you feel that after seven months you can put the physical , emotional, and financial well
being of yourself and YOUR CHILDREN's in this persons hands... I would really Think LONG and hard about this..
The easy way or what seems to be NEVER IS> the answer is having more faith in you.. and your children will as well and may be more open later down the road when they have more confidence in the situation. Get him use to being just you and his brothers first.. and that is also a lesson you want him to learn and the other two boys.. to be able to stand on their own they learn from us.. they may not always seem like they do but its true..
have you asked him how he feels about it and why.?
and do this just the two of you somewhere he feels comfortable and dont throw your own feelings into it..listen to his words ... I hope this helps you.