the new girlfriend

Debra - posted on 11/09/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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My husband and I are not even divorced yet and he has already started dating a woman that goes to church with me and has children the same age as 2 of my boys that still live at home. They are in the same sunday school class and Wednesday night classes. He cannot have her around my boys until our divorce is final, but what happens then?? My boys do not want to be around her and her children because they say it is creepy for them. I know this sounds kind of like Jerry Springer, but I promise this is true. How do I make the transition easier for them because their father just keeps saying oh they will be fine and they will get over it. He spends one night a week for three hours and every other weekend with the boys and then spends the rest of the evenings and opposite weekends with her and her kids. Help this is really getting hard.

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Belinda - posted on 01/15/2014

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I'm in the midst of a divorce and my husband has moved his girlfriend and her four children into his house. He bought the house after our separation with the intention of his own Brady Bunch. He was having an affair with her and told us all how wonderful she is when he informed us about "his" decision to divorce me. He is highly narcissistic, and has no idea that others have their own thoughts and feelings that are different from his own. He can't fathom that everyone isn't thrilled at the prospect of moving to "Crazytown". Her kids have shared their own frustrations with mine, but they are not permitted to express any of it openly, lest they crack the image of perfect bliss.
I do not stand by and tell my kids they have to accept this, or believe they will eventually get over it and adapt. They absolutely do not have to be a part of this ridiculous scenario, and I have a good attorney who makes it clear in no uncertain terms that I will not grant him "visitation" beyond the children's wishes to have to share their father's time and attention with five people they have no connection to. He sees them on their terms, and due to his choices, has no legal recourse. They are teens and will never form "warm fuzzy" feelings with any of these people under the best of circumstances.
He has backed himself into a corner, and keeps trying to appeal to me to "cooperate" by forcing the children into a schedule of visitation. Men like him are cowards when it comes to facing life without having someone to "wipe their butts", as though their penis will shrivel and die if it isn't given constant attentionl, and all meaningful life will therefore cease to exist. He couldn't try to make himself appear to be a decent, caring person in order to retain some illusion of dignity. Too bad they don't choose to think with the right head. He is going to alienate our children, and blame it on me, of course.
I simply tell the kids to spend time with him when they want to, but they don't like sharing time with their dad and aren't beating a path to his door. I won't allow him to call the shots here. He chose to go about it in all the wrong ways, so he will have to deal with the consequences.
I don't encourage the kids to avoid them, but they do, (and should), have some choices. There is no way a parent should force a stranger on his kids as a live-in before they have a chance to adjust to the divorce. It's laughable, (but tragic), that a parent will claim to love the children while disregarding their basic sensitivities for their own selfish purposes.
I hate to see parents tell the children they have no choice but to "accept and make the best of" being forced to live with a stranger in what should be their sanctuary. Being a parent does not automatically give you the right to do this to your child. I will fight for mine not to be thrust into having to share their home with strangers, and do it in a way that will not involve them in the turmoil. Yes, it can be done, but I will "take the heat" in order to keep them out of the line of fire. I am using the guidance of a psychologist, (who has been involved in ongoing therapy with the children prior to the divorce), who agrees he is sinking his own ship, and if nothing else, this is giving the children a sense of stability in seeing me stand up to the bully that is their father. This is a man who claimed he wanted children, but dodged parenthood for over 15 years, only now to claim he is going to become "father of the century", and reclaim all the lost time with them. I think he is actually more worried about his bank account and how much child support he will have to pay, than about being involved in parenting our children.

Belinda - posted on 01/15/2014

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I really do not understand why most responses here are to "just deal with it". This is not at all how it has to be. If you are not yet divorced, then you absolutely do not have to put up with your husband living with his girlfriend and having your children exposed to this inappropriate and, (to say the least), inconsiderate behavior. Your children might have to see their parents involved with "new partners" eventually, but if these self centered jerks can't put the wellbeing of their children before their penis, then you need to take charge and protect them. I am in the midst of divorcing a highly narcissistic husband who thought it would be great to tell us all how wonderful his new girlfriend is, and has moved her and her four children into his house, (that he bought with the Brady Bunch in mind).
My kids can't stand her, and don't feel like sharing their dad with five strangers whenever they see him. So, they are choosing not to go there.
I not only stand behind that, but my attorney has informed him, (through his attorney), that as long as he chooses this living arrangement, he has no legal recourse in the court system. He has backed himself into a corner by his selfish choices, and is now at risk for losing his children's hearts forever. They are teenagers, and have a lot of sway in deciding who they want to live with.
I tell the children that if they want a relationship with his girlfriend and/or her children, that is their choice and I assure them they can decide without any repurcussions from me. I hate to see them watching their father acting like a bufoon, while he goes through his mid-life crisis, but again, it's his choice.
I keep telling him that he cannot "force" a relationship between them, but he has no empathy, and believes what is good for him is good for all. There is no reasoning with a narcissist. It's all about them, all the time.
It's great that some have happy endings to their blended family scenarios. I just do not ascribe to the, "every parent has a right to do as they please" philosophy. It doesn't have to be that way, and kids do not have to be exposed to this BS.

Redbear - posted on 11/28/2012

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Honestly, without dealing with his feelings in a proper manner, this is the classic 'rebound relationship' and he's headed for a wicked breakup or another divorce and worse, hurting your kids even more. I wish I knew him because I'd tell him to check out www.divorcecare.org for himself. It's helped me get a Godly perspective on divorce.

LeAnn - posted on 11/20/2009

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Wow...As the girlfriend after the divorce (we met 8 months after the separation, 2 mths after she served him divorce paperwork), I have two great stepkids but I also have my own two wonderful children. My family went through a great deal in the past year, to include the ex wife making promises and wanting her family back together-I no clue she became "the other" woman. The children playing house at both places with mommy and me. He and I still together and working things out, she refused to let the kids come over, swore they said they didn't want to be here and told them they didn't have to like me but had to show me respect and even told them they would never have to stay here-all to control where he could be, instead he didn't take his kids to spend time with me instead? Sick!!! It started creating problems for he and I, one of the many reasons I fell in love with him is the way he is with his children and the dad he chooses to be. One day she called her kids from work and told them to call and see if I would come pick them up. I did. We have them every other week, they love it here. We wrestle, cuddle and play, hunt and fish, boardgames, movies, bake-the 4 kids play for hours on end. There are rules but they follow them. Maybe they did hate me for a second, maybe they didn't want to come over...once they were around they forgot instantly that they didn't like me and remembered why they did. As an ex wife who has had to deal with how come daddy has a new family, why doesn't he want to be our daddy, or your husband......I have told my children of their dad's girlfriend that there is something about her daddy really likes and if they give her a shot maybe they will see it. I have encouraged my children all the while reminding them they are number one. There are things about the woman I don't care for but she is good to my kids and I trust my ex as a father to know they are safe. He is no longer going to be a part of your household, you need to be friendly and civil to all parties-don't discuss them or her around your kids when talking of the situation. Encourage the kids to get to know her, let them know that you will always be there mommy, it is okay to have lots of people that care about you though. If they think that it will hurt your feelings if they like her-they are not going to like her-least not let you know. As a single woman keep in mind, you are not going to be alone forever either and since daddy has moved on first-use this time to prepare them....someday there will be a new hunk in your life, they will have already started understanding and being open to that idea. The more fair you are, honest and open-keeping in mind they are children, they turn to you for guidance, right from wrong, and unconditional love! Good luck "stepmom" is an awesome movie that may add some insight

Ella - posted on 11/09/2009

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Well your ex is right, they will eventually be fine with it, but getting over it may never happen! I was raised by mother when my parents divorced. I was 7yrs old,and had 3 other siblings younger than me. When my mom started seeing someone new it bothered me really bad for a long time but eventually I grew a special bond with her bf that I eventually called my dad. My father was never there for me over the years and i hated him for that. But at the same time I was blessed with a man that really cared and showed me how a real dad is. I did for a long time put him through hell though and I wanted my mom to get back with my father for a few years after they divorced. My dad had kids of his own and it was hard blending in families. But we did adjust. Don't get me wrong, I still love my father to this day but lucky to have a dad that loved me till the day he died. I am now going through something sort of like that now with my kids but I'm the one that's with someone else and we just had a baby. I didn't introduce them to him until they were ready to meet him. At first they were a little upset but now they like him. I told them that their dad and I couldn't be together anymore cuz all we did was hurt each other. That wasn't good for them to see me cry like I did all the time and now I'm happy and they see smiles instead of tears. I told them that their dad and I are better people and parents being apart and that we both love them very much and nothing will ever change that. I let the know that it's ok and natural to want their dad and I back together but it would never work out. You just got to accept their feelings and help them get through them in a possitive nuturing way.

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Max - posted on 07/18/2014

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Hi, I am desperately asking how to deal with my soon to be ex narcissistic husband. He is malignant narcissistic. I broke it off 2 years ago and have been battling divorce a year now. I have undergone many traumas and fortunately been able to pull myself and my son who is 6 yrs atm out of a 7year marriage. I have so many questions. Firstly, how do I deal with the fact that he carries my son out with his new girlfriend?
Now taking into account he only spends time with our son when he can carry him to show his new young gf dat he is a good dad etc. otherwise, it's a battle. Or he will leave him with his mother and return at nights. Tell me. How to deal with plz

Monique - posted on 04/05/2014

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Belinda you absolutely do not have to deal with it I'm going through the same thing my husband and I were seperated (oct 2013) but supposedly working on the marriage the beginning of Feb was the last time we spent time together at his place then all of sudden he didn't want to work on the marriage. He kept our two sons on Monday night and my 6 year old tells me a woman spent the night. I didn't even get official word that he was seeing someone else. I knew something was up because all of a sudden he no longer was trying to work together. Now my dons does not want to spend the night anymore. It sickens me that our sons and I were just there Feb and 2 months later he has a new woman there with them. They really don't think about the kids it's all about there wants. Smh. Pray for your children and your ex. Be strong.

Julie - posted on 02/12/2014

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My situation is the exact same scenario as Belinda Lee. I have a boyfriend myself, but we do not live together. My soon to be ex husband has already popped the question to this woman and she is starting to get involved in our divorce by throwing her somewhat paralegal knowledge at me and starting to claim that my children don't want to talk to me... I cannot wait for our day in court when all is said and done. I'm patiently waiting for karma to come prancing in on that moment.

Sky - posted on 01/17/2014

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There is NOTHING you can do about it. And if you talk badly about your ex husband or the girlfriend to your children, you will only hurt them.
If your divorce is not final, than I would bring it to the attention of your attorney, and he could possibly incorporate elements of it into your case.
Other than that, move on and let go. You can't control what he does on his time.

Zanab - posted on 12/18/2013

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I AM A NEW GRLFRIEND AND CAN EMPATHIZE AND SYMPATIZE. BUT NOBOD SHOULD TREAT ANOTHER HUMAN BEING LIKE THEY R LESS THAN BC THE SHOE MITE B ON DI OTHER FOOT AND IT WONT B SO NICE.EVEN IF THE KIDS DONT LIKE THE NEW GIRLFRIEND THE STILL SHOULD B MADE TO RESPECT ALL ELDERS. HEY ONEDAY THOSE KIDS MITE NEED THAT LADY AND IF MOM OR AUNTY IS POISENEN THE KIDS AGAINST THE LADY THAT LADY MITE HAVE TO SAVE THOSE SAME KIDS LIVES. JUST SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT.........................

Carrie - posted on 12/17/2012

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I need advice and help. My ex husbands live in girlfriend is trying to control my kids lives. He and she feel that she has every parental right to our two kids that him and I share. I feel that she is trying to replace me as their mother. She often sends me text messages bossing me around and telling me what to do with my children. She has picked up school forms before I could get to my daughters class and then tells me they are of no use to me. I am getting frustrated with this situation. I barely talk to my ex husband now and I am forced to deal mainly with her. She is rude to me and makes me feel that she has more rights than me when involving my children. My ex and I have joint legal custody and he has full physical custody. We have remained civil for four years now until she came along. I am being pushed out of my kids lives slowly. They know I love them and I know they love me. I know no one can replace me as their mother. I feel that this has created a stressful environment on them. Kids know more than we think and see what's going on around them. My ex and his gf make medical decisions together without my consent or opinion when concerning my seven year old daughter. Because my ex has had full physical custody him and his gf said I abandoned my kids and have no rights. I am filing a complaint with the courts and I think he is in contempt as well as her. What rights do I have? Does she have any legal rights to make parental decisions involving my children? My ex said I have to deal with her and not him when involving our children. Is this right?

Evelyn - posted on 11/18/2012

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It is hard to deal with a new girlfriend in the picture after a divorce or even during one. My kids warned me in their own way that their dad was dating after the divorce. I had to learn to deal with it.

Chrisdee - posted on 10/21/2012

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Debra,



I fully recognize your situation, and as you can see from the responses you have received, you are not alone. My soon to be ex started a relationship with his mistress two years ago, I just found out 8 months ago when we separated and he immediately moved in with her and her 7 year old son. We were married 12 years and also have a 7 year old son. And NO he has still not filed for divorce. The climactic Springer twist - his mistress and new lover is a youth minister. I understand how difficult your situation is. I ditto Julie's advice in that any expressed concerns with regard to your children will be likely marginalized as jealousy or manipulation, rather than true parental concern. Be the consistent example for your children. I know that is extremely difficult given the distasteful situation you ex has placed both you and your children in, but know that it will get easier over time. You and your boys are in my prayers.

Amy - posted on 10/10/2012

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Is that true, can I keep her from having access to my children until after the divorce is final?

Victoria - posted on 11/22/2009

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I dont think that its ever easy when dealing with the Ex's newbie. You really have to take a very very very objective perspective. Its alot easier said than done but it is necesary otherwise you are going to drive yourself crazy. Your children are going to take alot of their cues on how to act from you. 1st) be respectful of the other woman, this probably is not comfortable for her either. She has no idea of what you went through with your ex-husband its not her fault. 2nd) If she stays with him she will have to get to know your children, thats just the tough truth of it. And what is a better way than to actually get familiar through church, a neutral place. 3rd) I dont how messy your divorce is but you could try to have her boys over for a play date some times, that way when the boys do spend time with her, dad and her kids then they will have some friendly faces to identify to.



Im sorry about the divorce, Its never, ever fun or easy and its really sad when there are children involved. Just take it one day at a time. It will get easier one day.

Daralyn - posted on 11/22/2009

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Quoting Julie:

I know it's difficult. My ex is on his 3rd girlfriend since I moved out. He has no problem taking them around the kids and scoffs at my concern. The reality is........I have no control of that. If there is anything happening that is endangering my children or hurting them psychologically of course I will take action. But all I can do for now is behave as if it doesn't bother me and just quietly monitor the situation. Counseling would be best if they are already voicing concerns about the situation........maybe even a family session with both parents and the children to give them a neutral place to feel comfortable letting Dad know how THEY feel. Most often......the men interpret our concern as jealousy and/or manipulation and dismiss the kids actual feelings. Acknowledge the kids' feelings about the situation, remind them they can always come to you. Let them know that Dad having another girlfriend doesn't affect you but that you are concerned about how it affects them. Keep the focus on them and they will be just fine. Good luck.



I think Julie is right on with everything she said. NICELY PUT!!!! I agree. My little ones take thier cue alot from what they see my attitude is. So positive positive is all they hear. It does help.

Jennifer - posted on 11/22/2009

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I completely sympathize with your situation. I found out my husband was cheating on me on my birthday this past summer with his best friend's ex girlfriend who also happened to be at our wedding. (Doesn't get much more Jerry Springer than that). I kicked him out as soon as I found out and he immediately moved right in with her. He wasted no time in bringing our two boys (4 years old and 7 months at the time) right over to her house with her and her FOUR children. Right from the beginning I have not been comfortable with them going there, but I've told myself right from the beginning I will never keep my kids away from their father because I don't want them to grow up resenting me. Since moving in with the girlfriend, whose name ironically is Angel, the cops have benn called numerous times for fighting between the two of them, they have no heat or hot water in their house for the kids, DCYF was called and they now have to go to court, and as of December 1st they have no place to live because she lost Section 8 housing. And yet, this weekend the two of them flew down to florida to visit my ex's brother.
Sorry i got sidetracked there for a little bit but....in my opinion the right time to introduce the kids is when you know that you will be with this person for a while, because kids attach easily, especially young ones, and if the breakup of their parents wasn't enough, they don't need to lose someone else in their life soon after. I don't think they are ever really ready to meet someone new though, especially if their parents being together is all they ever really knew to begin with
Good luck, and I know I probably didn't help at all, but maybe I made you at least feel that there are others of us out here who are going through similar things. :)

Jessica - posted on 11/21/2009

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Unfourtunitly hun, it does not get much easier until you get over him....the kids will adjust...it just takes time. My now ex husband was dating and had a baby with a 24yr old girl (he was 36 and I was 33) before our divorce was final. Yes it was very hard on me but I survived..even though I thought I would die first! It hurt more, not cuz he had a new g/f but cuz he was having another child and knew that was one thing I wanted and could never have knowing Ihad to have a hysterectomy. I have gotten over it now....Ihave a new b/f my children still love my ex, his g/f and their baby and yes it hurts but it does not hurt as much...it gets easier every day...(my ex is not thier dad but the closest thing they knew to a dad..we were together for 12 years and my kids are 13 and 14)..good luck!

Tabitha - posted on 11/19/2009

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The only thing you can really do is support your children. Unfortunately you cannot make your ex listen to them or acknowledge their concerns as valid. All you can do is listen to them and let them know that you understand how they feel and that you will support them. Don't bad mouth him to them or complain. The only thing you can really do is try to take the high ground and understand that you have no control over what he does.

Dawn - posted on 11/19/2009

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My husband and I are not divorced yet either and he is now on his 2 girlfriend the first one didnt work out and he had even moved in with her after only 3 months of dating and we have only been seperated 1 year ,he has already introdused my 2 oldest to her but he told they wanted to met her , i think its too early and he should of had waited i have asked him not to introdused her to the youngest ,for awhile and wait ,he made a big mistake with the last girlfriend and had them over for sleepovers the first week they were dating and my 2 year has still not gotten over that mess, she hasnt eaten or slept properly since then ,i hope im not wrong in asking him to wait he hasnt been with her that long and i dont think it fair for the kids to get attached to someone only to have it taken away because there relationship didnt work out ,plus the experts say to wait 9 to 12months before you bring someone new into the family ,the only thing that should matter is the kids happieness and not to make things harder the they already are, i just want whats best for my kids ,It still really hurts to see him with someone else but i need to move on and hopefully one day the pain will go away, i hope things work out for you , take care and good luck

Julie - posted on 11/13/2009

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I know it's difficult. My ex is on his 3rd girlfriend since I moved out. He has no problem taking them around the kids and scoffs at my concern. The reality is........I have no control of that. If there is anything happening that is endangering my children or hurting them psychologically of course I will take action. But all I can do for now is behave as if it doesn't bother me and just quietly monitor the situation. Counseling would be best if they are already voicing concerns about the situation........maybe even a family session with both parents and the children to give them a neutral place to feel comfortable letting Dad know how THEY feel. Most often......the men interpret our concern as jealousy and/or manipulation and dismiss the kids actual feelings. Acknowledge the kids' feelings about the situation, remind them they can always come to you. Let them know that Dad having another girlfriend doesn't affect you but that you are concerned about how it affects them. Keep the focus on them and they will be just fine. Good luck.

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