The new Step Mom

Chasity - posted on 07/26/2010 ( 126 moms have responded )

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My ex husband's new wife insist that my 9 and 6 year old sons call her "Mommy". As a matter of fact, they get punished if they don't. I feel this is disrespectful to me and it does hurt my feelings. I have a very bad relationship with both of them so expressing my feelings is out of the question. What should I do to help me deal with it?

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Jane - posted on 07/26/2010

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Step parents should NEVER BE called "mom, mommy, mamma, dad, daddy, dadda, etc". My ex-husband is my childrens father. My current husband (14 years together) is a GREAT step father but he is "Ted" to them. They will refer to him, to others as their step-father but he has and will always be "Ted"! Ted's daughter calls me Jane and I would never, ever had expected her to call me anything but that. That would have been extremely disrespectful to her mother, who by the way I DO NOT GET ALONG with but she still is her mother.

[deleted account]

I think that a child should never be told to call a step parent anything. however, if they call a step parent mom or dad for what ever reason ie. the other kids do. then just let it be. it is what they are comfortable with and by trying to correct them you are only hurting them. although i understand the incredible pain a bio parent feels when their child call someone else by their special name. its important to understand that its only the name that is the same, not the bond. you will forever be the woman you carried that child and raised it. you children wont confuse that! you are their mother regardless of whether they call 30 other women mama. I think you have a very hard road to travel and that its going to take a lot of strength. you can tell you child that what ever they are happy with using is okay with you (even though its not) and in the end they will look back and see you as the easy going caring, always there for you type. instead of the pushy "call me this" type.
good luck

Tami - posted on 07/29/2010

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Children should NEVER be made to call the step-parent mom or dad!!! Unless there are extreme reasons. We divorced over 12 years ago and my ex-husband married the woman he was having an affair with. Him and her both make my 3 children call her MOMMY. They get fussed at if they don't. This goes to show you that my ex is showing my children not to have respect for me by making them call her mommy. I do not make my children call my fiance' dad or daddy. They call him by his name. Even though my ex and I do not get along, he is my childrens father.

D - posted on 09/04/2011

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I don't have children of my own, but have been a stepmom for a few years. I would never dream of having them call me 'mom', as a matter of fact if he wanted to call me anything other than my first name, I would feel extremely uncomfortable. He has a mother... and I'm not interested in replacing her (although I'll admit at times her lack of parenting infuriates me... she thinks video games and TV are the babysitter... but that's a whole other thread!)... but I still respect the fact that it's her child, not mine.



With that being said, I would remind her that YOU are their mother, not her, and nothing will ever change that. And she has no right to punish them for not calling her mom... It's different if they want to call her that... but they obviously don't at the moment since they're getting punished... So I would approach your ex and tell him that this nonsense must be put to a stop. No one should be able to make those kids call her mom unless they want to and they feel comfortable with it. And I would also reinforce that with your kids, and tell them that they should only call her what they feel comfortable calling her... and if they continue to be punished, stop letting them go there. Make things hard... go back to court for full custody if you have to - because if your ex supports his new wife's behaviour he obviously doesn't have the best interests of his children in mind! It's more about how this situation makes your children feel, than you, your ex, or his new wife!

Jessica - posted on 07/30/2012

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That's a tough one, I was just talking in another group about children calling their SP mom or dad. I am a SM and my son calls me mom, however, its his choice and I have been around since he was in diapers, he does not remember me not being there. We also have primary custody of him and my husband and I have pretty much been the sole providers for him in every aspect.

What I have learned over the years of my son going to his BM's home every other weekend, is you can not control what happens over there or what they do. You can however control how you react and you can control what happens at your home. I think its horrible thing for a child to be punished for. With that being said, my advice to you would be to understand that her forcing your children to call her mom will only backfire on her in the end. As long as you show your children unconditional love and acceptance even of her, that will shine through in the end.

I hope this helps at least a little, good luck

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Jessica - posted on 10/06/2013

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You must not live In the US because it is not your right to take visitation from their father here just because you don't like something he does.

Evelyn - posted on 08/16/2013

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i have the same exact problem my 9 old daughter is forced to call my x girl mom and it really bothers me and is very hurtful shes said it in front of me a few times i have tried to speak to dad about it he dosent wanna speak to me hes not allowed to before the girlfriend we had a very good realtionship not anymore my daughters being brainwashed by these two and the courts dont see it i dont know what to do my daughter tells me that i reuine everything for her i dont understtand how i love her wit all my life she dosent come on our weekend visits nothing how shuld i approache this?

Constanza - posted on 04/01/2013

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This is not okay at all. If my husband ever left me and remarried, they would call her by her first name or no visitation. End of story. I am Mum, Ma, Mama, Mummy and Mother, no one else.

Rose - posted on 02/04/2013

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Do not express your feelings to the "other side" it only gives them pleasure seeing you upset. Explain to the kids that they are old enough to decide if they want to call her mom or not. Get your children's conversation with you on tape (you can tape your own children's conversations as long as you are a part of it) Get them to tell you HOW she punishes them and why she punishes them.

No child should EVER be forced to do something they do not want to do, especially something as miniscule as that.

Anne - posted on 01/30/2013

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In what way are your children punished? No child should obviously be forced to do something they don't feel comfortable with.
In the UK a child can chose what parent they will live with when they are ten years old, I guess visiting is the same. If that applies to you I would not put my child through this, but tell your ex that you are not happy with them punishing your children for something they don't feel comfortable with and I guess since you know this, your children aren't happy either. If he wants his sons to carry on visiting then they will have to stop forcing them and punishing them.

Christy - posted on 01/30/2013

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Hi
This is very wrong and to punish your boys because of this situation I would talk to social services, about this, if you have any concerns, you have a right to say how you feel and as you cannot do this is there a family member or friend who could speak to them about this. Talk to your boys they know your there mum not this new wife, she is not even related I am surprised your x husband allows her to punish his sons, she is also probably doing it to wind you up, ignore her.

Sarah - posted on 01/28/2013

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Out of the QUESTION! sit down with them both (the adults that is) and just tell them its NOT ACCEPTABLE! Tell them that if it is insisted upon and kids are punished you will step in and have them seeing counselors (not a bad idea anyway) and may go as far going back to court. A child should not be forced to "pretend" someone is a parent. They should show her the same amount of respect they give any adult and encourage a good relationship between them however they know who mom is.... If they insist on continueing with this this they are.going to end up resenting her and him for making them do so....

Mama - posted on 01/16/2013

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I believe that being a mother isn't a right by giving birth, the word mother in itself is representative of teaching, loving, consoling, advising listening, teaching right from wrong, showing your child how to be independent, thoughtful, caring, empathetic, being there when they are sick, going to their games, supporting their child's interests, showing how to do more than they think they can do and so much more When you think of your mother or what it represents you should think of being nurtured and always know she will be there no matter what. Just by being a "mother" by the pure sense of giving birth is not just a right some women just get to say and relish in if they dont take the time to "mother" their children. One does not need to be a birth mother to be representative of the word. it upsets me when mothers are negligent and would still be given the privilige of the title, mother. I get through some of my tough days with my stepchildren as children grow up to be adults and iwebelieve they will see who did the right thing or the best they could and who had a "chip" on their shoulder. My opinion. (in response to a reply below)

Cristina - posted on 01/15/2013

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Create a stronger bond with your children. My ex punished the kids every time they refused something related to his GF. Guess what? She is history (big grin). Spend time not necessarily alienating the step-mom, but making your bond with your children stronger, so later on, when they are old enough to speak up against this BS, they will! You can talk about it with them and jokingly tell them they should call you "My ONLY Mamma" in the other household ;) That will send the message: It's WAR!

BTW- any step-moms that want to be called "Mommy" are just effed up. Period. One of my exes did that to his kid and it irked me every time he would call me "Mommy".

PS: I would send your ex a text saying "If you ever force my children to call her "Mommy", I will take you to Court and the Judge will block you from doing so" (Because I have seen it done). Don;t just roll over and die, you ARE the MOMMY!

Krista A - posted on 01/13/2013

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I understand what yall are saying My dear step Daughter ask me one day what she should call me and I told her she can call me whatever she wants whatever makes her ok with I like other mother like see Im not her first one but Im like her sec lol but it is just fine if she calls me Krista (: she has a mom and she will always be her mom (: but anyways iv only been a step mom for about 2years ya lol I am a very new one but I love it! its fun being a step mom I truly love her like if she was my own anyways ya it if like all party's agree with the other kids calling him mom or dad or whatever if they are not they ya the step mom or step dad should respect that (: so thats what i think

Anna - posted on 01/12/2013

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It's not really about what they call the step-parent, it's about the relationship they have with all parents involved. I've been married to my husband for almost 23 years and when I met him he had three small children. We didn't make a big deal about what they called me, but because they were small, we didn't pressure them to call me anything specific. They pretty much lived with us fulltime and I would have loved to be called "Mom", but it never happened. One day I realized, it didn't matter what I was called by them. They saw me as a mother figure and we had a good relationship. They are all grown now with children of their own and still call me by my first name and I'm ok with that. I love them and they love me, and that's the important part. Btw, when my daughter was born eleven years into our marriage, she had some confusion about what to call me when she was about two, but I didn't make a big deal about it. She figured it out. In her eyes all of us are one big family!!

Sarah - posted on 01/09/2013

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Wow your ex husband married my ex husband's wife. She did the SAME thing. I hated it but I told them it was up to them. Thankfully they no longer live with her and she will never get her hands on my kids again. evil witch. Sit down and talk with your kids she how they feel about this whole thing and always remember get and keep prof of what she is doing it can be used ageist her later on in court. Hopefully she is not there to stay. good luck and hug

Cristina - posted on 11/20/2012

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I agree with most of your posts, but here is another one to consider: My SDs mother is a selfish drunken, druggie that doesn't spend time with them and spends all her money on her mall clothes to look like a teenager for her 23 year-younger boyfriends and has money for booze and drugs but not for her kids' field trips. They call her "Mommy" out of desperation trying to hold onto her, not because they are fond of her. As for me, I don;t care what they call me, I was put in their little lives by God and I expect nothing-maybe some routine respect. I know they will turn into selfish money-grabbing hos like their mother because that is how she schools them, but I still love them like my own.

Cristina - posted on 11/19/2012

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I am both-a mom and a step-mom, and to be honest, I prefer if the older kids don't call me mom, even though I gave them the choice to call me Mom if they wanted to. One of my steps pronounces my name in such a rude, bossy, stringent manner that I would prefer anything else to the way she pronounces my name (which is quite beautiful otherwise). If I get p.o'd, I'll have them call me "Doc" from now on :P I really think that "Ma'am" is a much more appropriate choice of names in a step-family. It sends the message "I am not your Mommy, but I am a person of authority in this place". Kinda catchy, now that I think about it ;) Hmmm...

Melynda - posted on 11/17/2012

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Your mommy. Are you involved with their up bringing? They should not be punished for not calling step mom "mommy". Thats not fair.

I'm a step mom and he calls me mommy but his bio mom is not in his life except a occasional phone call. I've been his mommy since he was 9monthes old now he's almost 6.

Evelyn - posted on 11/17/2012

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Judy, I do agree with your words. And every situation is different. My kids have had two Step mothers. And during those times I was always there for them. No matter the relationships they had with those other women. I tried to get along with the step mothers but it never worked out because the step mothers chose not to deal with me. In the end, my kids grew up becoming close to me. I am so blessed to have that. But I do see a lot of kids who have step parents and they do not have the good of it. So, I do not see why a child should have to call their step parents either mom or dad depending on which it is. If a person has been with the child since they were little...that might be different. If one of the parents is not in the picture fully, that might be different too. I just think that when both parents are there even with step parents in the picture as well, the bio parents reserve the right to keep the mom or dad to themselves.

Judy - posted on 11/17/2012

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Tell the children as they grow what the definition of what a mother is. A mother loves unconditionally, does not oppress a child, has the child's care and welfare in mind first before themselves. They are going to experience unfair things all their lives and they will not respect their stepmom for forcing their love. They will grow to see you in a better lite than they do her. I have a step- daughter that I mostly raised now her mom is back from wondering the country and wants to settle down and be a mom. And I have to step back and still interject my influence on the child when I have her. She is now 14. And she texts Me every morning before school. The children know who their parents are and they also know who loves and cares about their feelings. Just know that if you just continue to put your kids welfare before your own they will thank you some day and you will come out on top with them.

Evelyn - posted on 11/16/2012

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I do not agree with a child calling a step parent "mom" or "dad". At least not when they have active parents in their lives. It hurts the parents feelings if their children call the step parents those names. It is also a big confusion to the child or children. They have to be able to differenciate in their own minds as to how they will call the people in their lives...step parents can be called by the first name, or a special nick name that the child comes up with. If it were my kids calling a step mother "mom" I would not be happy with it.



As for your situation, you are just going to have to tell them how it is. Tell them you are mom and by no means is the new wife to be called that. SHe has a first name. She could have a nickname. Anything but mommy.

Misty - posted on 11/16/2012

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I would file a take pictures of the bruises, file a police report and/or call CPS. Abuse should never go unreported.

Danielle - posted on 11/15/2012

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me and my ex have been seperated for a while...he recently started seeing someone in the next town over and he also lives there. well she had my ex put a restraining order on me so that i couldnt try to see him and when he hasnt been home so far she a grown women has bathed with my 2 year old. my 6 year old tells me about her sister but no about her, and they both have came home with bruises and have both ended up with staff infection more than once. my 6 year old is now having night terrors about her but shes too scared to tell me whats going on. she just starts breaking down out of nowhere, she said the new gf flicks my 2year old and i have found finger mark bruises under her arms like she was grabbed and my 6 year old has a huge mark like a finder print on her hip. i have been documenting this but i need to kno if this is really what im thinking and how i should properly handle this without losing it. i cant speak to my ex due to the restraining order and my daughter is terrified to tell me anything. what do i do?

Sarah - posted on 11/13/2012

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It is simply disrespectful to the biomum - you sms who do this should get over your petty insecurities and accept that you are just the stepmom -you didnt carry them inside you and gave birth to them!

Arreyn - posted on 11/10/2012

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WOW. That's not okay. I call my stepmom by her first name, as my stepson does with me. My stepmom's sisters are "aunt" and her parents are "nana and pappap," but I didn't have people with those titles, so no one's place was usurped. When my mom wanted my stepson to call her "grandmom," I ran that by my fiance, his ex-wife, and my stepson to make sure it was okay with all of them before I said it was okay.



Whether you have a bad relationship with them or not, I hope you find a way to tell them how ridiculous and out of line her behavior is. Maybe try to point out how she probably wouldn't like them calling you "mommy" if they were her kids? Or frankly, they are old enough to hopefully be able to express themselves-- is there a way for your kids to express that they feel uncomfortable with this arrangement? Hopefully your ex will at least listen to them.

Jenny - posted on 11/09/2012

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Wow, that is completely disrespectful. I think that any real mommy would be hurt and angered by this. Just do your best to make sure your children aren't confused. And you really need to sit down and talk with your ex husband and his wife if you can, because that is ridiculous. Especially the punishment. It would make me sick.

Ashley - posted on 11/05/2012

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they should not be forced to call her mommy, and they should not be disciplined when they dont. that decision should be left to the children. if they want to call her mommy, then that is there decision, but if they are being forced it is wrong. if you cant talk to them about it, then maybe talk to your lawyer and see if he can get something done about it. you cant tell the lawyer you dont want them calling her mommy, but you can tell him you dont want them to be forced to, and you dont want them to be punished if they choose not to. have that written in your custody agreement. if that is not possible, i dont know what to do. other than tell your kids it is there decision, but i know they dont want to be punished so they will probably do it.

Lauren - posted on 09/28/2012

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I'm not going to accuse your child of lying, but I have to question whether you know the whole truth & here's why. My step-son was being a bully & a royal spoiled brat at a family gathering. He was swearing in front of my kids & demanding a toy be returned to him immediately that all the kids were sharing. His father who was thoroughly embarrassed, just kept telling him knock it off, stop it or I'll punish you. I got so fed up for the 1st time in over 2 yrs, I finally spoke up. I told him how would he feel if I said he couldn't use the Xbox when he came over (that's all he plays on all weekend). He told me flat out, I don't give a sh-t I'll bring my own. Then I got so mad at his back talk I said well how would you feel if I didn't let you use our Internet to connect to Xbox live. Then he said well I just won't come over anymore. When he talked to his aunt, mom & grandma he told them that he just asked for his toy back & I went when you come over from now on you're not allowed to play with any of our sh-t anymore! His grandmother actually emailed me to go off on me about treating a 12 yr old like that & accuse me of trying to destroy my fiancées relationship with his son. I talked to the mom on the phone a couple months later & told her what happened & how the biggest problem was everyone took his story 100% at face value & no one asked me what really happened & now I feel like I can't reprimand my 3 step kids even in my own house. I can be left alone with them to watch them & keep them safe like when she drops them off early before my fiancée is home from work, but how do I enforce a rule that they can't play in the street because they know all they have to do is lie to mom/grandma & all will be forgiven & I'll become the bad guy. All I'm saying is maybe talk to her about it without making accusations & see what she says. Believe me my fiancées ex wife does not like me one bit, but we talked on the phone to try to make it work for the kids. Responsible adults that care about the kids will be able to do that & put negative feelings aside.

Taylor - posted on 09/20/2012

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That is not okay for her to do. Period. The kids should be allowed to call her whatever they feel comfortable calling her. I would NEVER insist something like this from my boyfriend's son. I am not his mother, he has a mommy he loves very much, and I respect that. He is allowed to call me anything he likes (He prefers to just call me by my name) as long as it is not disrespectful. This is definately wrong and you need to make that known to your ex and his new wife. No matter how bad the relationship between you ended or what it's like now, doing this to the kids is horrible. Parents, real or step variety, shoule ALWAYS be thinking of what is best for the children, not what makes themselves feel happiest...

Erna - posted on 09/17/2012

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Absolute rubbish...i just asked my 9 year old daughter how she would feel if my ex's girlfriend told her to call her Mommy...and she said noooooo....she is not my Mother why would i have to call her Mommy....This woman obviously does not have kids of her own...then she would not demand this rubbish...and if she does have her own kids...she is not well....you cannot force children to lie!!...and this is what she is doing...she is not their Mother, and they have you, so no need for a false Mother. I suggest you write your ex a very polite note stating the fact that the children are uncomfortable with the idea, and that it is forcing them to pretend and to lie, and can she please refrain from this behavior and especially the punishment or else you will be forced to seek help from your community councilor or the school??...whatever services you might have available....this woman sounds a little on the looney side if you ask me.

Chrisdee - posted on 09/15/2012

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Chasity,



I agree. This is disrespectful to you and places your children in a very difficult position. What the step parent must realize is that although she has developed a relationship with your ex spouse, and he is a parent, that does not automatically establish the same relationship for his children. Additionally, why would they punish the children for not calling another woman who is not their mother by a personal name equivalent to mother. I cannot imagine how your sons must feel. The key is to make the children the first priority. The step parent and ex should examine why it is so important that she be called "Mommy". Relationships take time to develop and your sons must be allowed to develop their own relationship with their step mother without the extreme pressure of being required to call her Mommy. Additionally, the step parent must recognize that she is in fact not their mother, but another parent and support available to enhance their lives.

Jane - posted on 09/13/2012

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Are you all together,at the same time? If so,Mommy1 or Mommy2 can come in handy. Now if this New Wife is abusing her Step-parent rights by punishing them,for Mommy names. What does she do to them when there is real situations for them to be disciplined. By the way,if these two told you something,maybe its there way of trying to get you involved again. For Step-parent and Dad togetherness,the boys will rebel. Speak with the boys,with an open mind and heart. Money from the purse is not showing love. Soon they can learn it is. A bad relationship has to be put to the side. Wipe the slate clean! Let the boys know your true feelings. You can do this by writing letters,giving books with a single momento from you(in between the pages).Like a fall colored leaf,a drawing,perfume splashed on a card,a photo,etc..you will be surprised how you will have them,want to talk and spend,time with them. Go easy,keep focused,don't speak negative on ex-spouse. It is the 3 of you,learning there interests,talents,and issues with there feelings can be talked heart to heart. And, I know they have a slew of different feelings to express.

Brianna - posted on 08/30/2012

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IM IN PA AND THERES A CLAUSE IN MY CUSTODY AGREEMENT THAT SAYS "ALL PARTIES ARE TO HAVE TITLES AND THE CHILD IS NOT TO BE MADE FEEL HER DECISION IS INSIGNIFICANT" NICELY PUT-IM MOMMY, DADDY IS DADDY HER STEP MOM IS WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO CALL HER AND WHEN I GET MARRIED IN OCTOBER MY HUSBAND WILL BE WHATEVER SHE WANTS TO CALL HIM.

CYENNA (MY DAUGHTER) HAS TAKEN TO CALLING HER STEP MOM "MOMMA TIFF." IT WAS A SLAP IN THE FACE THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT AND MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS "THAT B*ITCH, I LAID IN LABOR AND CARRIED HER FOR 9 MONTHS NOT YOU!" BUT AS I THOUGHT ABOUT IT HER STEP MOM IS A BIG PART OF HER LIFE. I HATED THAT THERE WAS ANOTHER FEMALE STEPPING IN TO HELP CARE FOR MY DAUGHTER WHILE SHE WAS WITH HER DAD BUT WITH TIME I BECAME SLIGHTLY LESS HOSTILE ABOUT IT. I DONT THINK I'LL EVER BE FULLY OK WITH IT BUT I RESPECT MY CHILDS DECISION

BEING FORCED TO CALL HER MOMMY?!? OH NO!!! BAD TO SAY BUT NOBODY WILL FORCE MY CHILD TO DO SOMETHING OR CALL SOMEONE SOMETHING THEYRE NOT. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND SET IT STRAIGHT. YOU MOTHERED THOSE KIDS WITH HIM SO START WITH HIM AND MAKE IT CLEAR. ITS HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO MAINTAIN APPROPRIATE TITLES THAT EVERYONE IS COMFORTABLE WITH

Laura - posted on 08/27/2012

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I am the "new stpe mom"and I do not agree with what your ex's new wife is doing. She cant force your kids to like her and call her mom, thats ridiculous!

You need to find a way to talk to your ex about this if even just because your children are being punished because they disagree with something that they have every right to disagree with.

My step son calls me by my name but every now and then he does "slip" and calls me mommy ( my hubby and I have 2 children together so Im called mommy regularly). I let him know that its ok to call me mommy if he wants to when he is with us but that maybe he shouldnt say it in front of his mommy because it might hurt her feelings.

Your ex needs to realize and explain to his wife that you are the mother of the children and you can never be replaced. She is not their mother and can not force them to treat her as such. If one day the kids decide to call her "mom"then thats their choice and it may hurt your feelings but you will know that they made that choice themselves and were not forced and you may not be as upset about it.

GOODLUCK!

Michelle - posted on 08/27/2012

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Forget the disrespect to you, it is down right child abuse to punish the kids for not calling someone who ISN'T their mother Mommy. I would be calling CPS//Child welfare and reporting them for emotional abuse to the kids Why should they suffer when they go visit their dad? Some people need to give their head a shake and think about the kids and their feelings!!!! ARGH!!! I feel for you and your kids, he needs a good kick in the pants!!!

Misty - posted on 08/26/2012

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I have the same situation. My children call their dad's gf mom and they have told me that they have to. My stepdaughter calls me Mommy when her mother is not within earshot, and sometimes when she is. I never asked her to nor did my husband. In fact I think her mother taught her that. Why? I have no earthly idea. My honest to goodness opinion is that it should be left to the children. They should call stepparents whatever THEY choose to. I have told them Kim is not their stepmom until she and Dad get married. He always said the same thing to them before I was married. But I have ALWAYS left it to them. It is their choice. It's not about what WE want and what is best for US but what our children are comfortable with.

Brenda - posted on 08/26/2012

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I dont think a child should ever be forced to call a step parent mom or dad and that they are being punished for this is disgusting. Im a stepmom of three kids and two of those kids still have there mom in there life. They live with my husband and i full time. She sees them every second weekend. I have a very close relationship with my step kids and my step daughter would call me mom if we allowed it. However right now we dont because my husband thinks it is disrespectfull to there mom. I think at some point it has to be there decision but right now im ok with his choice. However there mom does not give him the same respect and actually there has been some concerns with the kids coming home and saying that they are told to call there step dad dad. Which i really think is disgusting because my husband has been the there sole provider and has had full custody of them since they were babies. He deserves more respect then she gives him since she walked out the door when they were babies and didnt fight for custody of them.

Candace - posted on 08/23/2012

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it is not right to force a child to call you mommy if you are not their mommy. that just shows that person is trying to make people think its her child and you dont exist. I am a stepmom and I have never forced my SD to call me mommy..but she does. I told her that she has a mother and to call me by my name when she is with her BM(which is never because BM wants to smoke meth and pop pills instead of being a mom) so...I have become Mommy and the child(on her own) has started calling her BM by her first name. Its sad that this child is starving for Motherly love and feels the need to call someone who isnt her mother"mommy". And if thats the role I have to be I am not gonna tell her anything otherwise.but i dont agree with forcing them to call the stepmom that.

Robyn Devorah - posted on 08/20/2012

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Go to Friend of the court ( or a similiar program that the state Family Court has for helping divorced families) if you are concerned about how your ex is disciplining the children. If he is allowing his children to be punished (verbally, physically) for not calling their step mom, mommy???!!!?!?!?!%# Claim abuse.

If you have a bad relationship, how do you know this happens??? From the mouth of babes? 9 and 6 yrs old, who REALLY want their step mom out of the picture so their REAL PARENTS can remarry?? Are you really sure this is happening? If so, this is abusive. Go to court to clarify roles and abuse, etc..

Michele - posted on 08/15/2012

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Ah, so I have a fear of this myself, so I don't know how much help I'll be, but in my opinion NO ONE should be called "mommy" without birthrights to the child(ren) or unless the child(ren) feel comfortable enough to do so. Your sons being punished for not calling someone "mommy" is absolutely ridiculous. I understand that you might not feel comfortable expressing your concerns, but in a situation that effects your childrens' mindset you need to. Before speaking to them though i would talk to both of your children & see what they feel comfortable calling their new stepmother, & also think to yourself what you would feel comfortable with, maybe there is a compromising point like I know my friends' daughter calls her step-mother "Momma k" it still grants the stepmother a partial parental respect from the child, but also lets those who hear it know she is not the child's biological mother.

Stephanie - posted on 08/12/2012

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I seem to remember the last set of Texas custody papers I saw (in the last 3 months) actually had a section dealing with this very issue. Check your MSA or custody agreement. The one I read stated that what you are dealing with is NOT ALLOWED! Again, check your paperwork!

Jessica - posted on 08/09/2012

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I don't agree with bringing children into adult issues. Children of divorced parents already have enough mixed emotions about where they are supposed to stand. Discussing these things with a child, I feel, is wrong. My son got in trouble for calling me mom at first, then would feel awkward around me cause he did not know what to say. He wanted to listen to his BM, but at the same time he wanted to listen to his dad. That is not a place for children to have to be, if you have an issue with it sit down with the other adults and discuss it. My son now is comfortable calling me mom again and now knows he must refer to me as his step mother around his BM...I told him that yes he does have to listen to her, but that he should do what he feels comfortable with. Children do not need to deal with adult issues, PERIOD.

Brit - posted on 08/09/2012

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This is horrible! You're the mother! Take charge, and let this intruder know that she has no place of dominion over your children. Take your rightful place. And how would he feel if you married someone & had your children call him "dad?" Roles being reversed on people often makes them think. You need to address this issue in front of all of them, the children, your ex, and this overbearing wife.

Mel - posted on 08/07/2012

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What if calling a step-parent "mom" or "dad" had a 64% percent chance of causing many adverse affects? Would you allow it?

The divorce rate in the USA is 50% for first marriages, 64% for second marriages, and 74% for third marriages.(relatively)
Generally, a step parent is a result of a divorce. This means the step-parent is generally in a second marriage(via spouse or self). You add in step-children and blended families and it goes even higher. So we have a child with two parents already separated. We now have the potential to add 2 more estranged "parents".

Best interest of the Child is paramount right?
http://www.trinity.edu/mkearl/fam-div.ht... Divorce impact on Children.
http://www.trinity.edu/mkearl/socpsy-6.h... This is an article on the importance of roles.

Do you think allowing a child to identify the step-parent as "Mom" or "Dad" is in the child's best interest with these type of statistics?

I can not agree that I am being selfish. I do not believe my child should call the step parent "mom" It is not jealousy nor self doubt. I say it because I have the best interest of my child. My separation from the other parent has already had an impact that will continue into the future. I am aware of this impact. I can not ignore it. With this awareness, I can not tell my child it is "OK". My child's role is as my child and the fathers. He may be a stepchild to his fathers wife. He may be a stepchild to my husband. This are the true and real roles that have been created. 64% is a very high ratio. This is just the divorce rate for a second marriage. Can you imagine the compounded side effects of a second divorce?

Crystal - posted on 07/26/2012

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Wow my daughter was made to do the same and I put a serious stop to it. It took a bit but she got the point that as her natural mother who had sole custody and paid for everything with no help for her dad. I went off and I addressed it in front of my daughter and told her that if anything should happen from her not calling her mommy to call me asap. If she couldn't as before I told her when she got back to let me know. Once it was addressed in front of my child she got the message that I don't play with my child. I told my daughter in front of her dad and her about to be SM, that even if they made it down the aisle that she is not her mom. I told the about to be SM that she is just marrying her dad and that she had no rights to my daughter either. I know it sounds harsh but once it was said out loud for all of us to hear she couldn't really do anything. I don't get alone with the other side as well but her dad doesn't have any rights but the right to visit. I am a SM as well but I corrected my SD and told her to call me Cc out of respect for her mother, even though she lives with me and I provide for her just like my daughter. And to punish them for it..., yea that needs to be handled

[deleted account]

Are you kidding me? I'm a step parent and I would NEVER force my step daughter to call me Mommy. She has a bio mom and even though we dont' get along, I would never replace her in Prin's life. That's absurd, and you should object completely. If new stepmom needs the children to call her something other than her first name, come up with a different pet name (Prin has a few that are only for her and me). Let the kids choose when and if they ever refer to new SM by a mom/mommy name.

[deleted account]

I think thats just wrong for her to make ur kids to call her mom! and then punishing them if they dont!? I am a step mom and have a 6yr old stepson who lives with me and he calls me by name once in a while he calls me mommy and it just makes my day but i dont think he has too. its confusing for kids the way it is and it takes awhile till they understand the situation, it took my stepson almost a year till he got everything straight. I would talk to ur kids and tell them they were in ur belly and u r there real mom and she is stepmom

Tracy - posted on 02/29/2012

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ive had to deal with that for the past 16 yrs now all of them(3) live with them. best thing i feel is remind them you will and are always their mother and they dont need to call her mommy unless they want to your children have voices ask them waht they want to call her..( get them in to counceling) itll help you in the long run in regards to them getting punished . that should be happening (yet it did to mine and know that they are 20,18 ,17 they still call her such but mines a super long story) It does hurt very bad but as the true moomy we can tell them our feeling are hurt but when i daid that it got back to the other side and they just pushed harder.. so buck up and be strong as i feel you can be for yourself, just remind your childern you carried them because you were given that chance to become thier mommy, and that the step mom cares for them but she is thier second mom and need to respect her but if they dont feel like clling her mommy they dont need to and thats where a counseler comes inthey can document it all ,(it a form of abuse) just keep telling them you love them with all ur heart,and Never Say a negitive thing about the other side itll bit you in the butt.. let them be the bad guys .. what the father does this its to hurt you and make you fell worthless thts what they enjoy doing but you can be strongr then that (Counceling will help ur childrn handel it better and may give you other ideas to help u too. stay strong hun it is very hurtful but were mommy we have to stay stong and be the better person.. cry when thy leave but lwt them see u as strong & a good person.. thats the hardest part of all the other woman will make ur life harder if you let them know it bothers you so dont let them know.... hope this helped some.. bless you hun ive been through it the passed 16 yrs to the point that kindness kills and the brainwashed my childern (t=dads hm never had rules as moms did so im the bad guy and lost all 3 my kids to them but one dad they will see through the bs but not until much older ..,,,

Dana - posted on 02/17/2012

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I say be honest with your children they are old enough to know that calling another woman mom is disrespectful to you as their mom and it hurts your feelings.

I have my children call my X girlfriend Ms Pam and my significant other Mr Scott...it is a southern tradition to call men/women Mr/Ms

Or if either family has a specific ethnic or religious background and their is a term for "mom/dad".......

Dana - posted on 02/17/2012

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I say be honest with your children they are old enough to know that calling another woman mom is disrespectful to you as their mom and it hurts your feelings.

I have my children call my X girlfriend Ms Pam and my significant other Mr Scott...it is a southern tradition to call men/women Mr/Ms

Or if either family has a specific ethnic or religious background and their is a term for "mom/dad".......

Michelle - posted on 11/13/2011

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I would go mad if my ex told my daughters to call his wife mummy - and they know it too. As far as we are all concerned, I am their mummy and that is it. His wife is called by her first name. She's not even called step mum. At the same time, if I ever get married again then my children will call my husband by his first name and never step-dad, not that I think that will ever happen as I enjoy being single lol

Erica - posted on 11/13/2011

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I feel if its forced thats not good parenting on BOTH of the bio parent and step parent, some kids just do it so the bio parent wont get mad just from personal experience, my on son tells me all the things his biological dad says that his "new wife" his simply his REAL mom etc, it hurts the child and what that bioparent is doing is parental alienation

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