visits 1300 miles away

Andrea - posted on 12/19/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I recently got taken back to court for visitation with my ex husband for 8 year old daughter. I have to start letting her go to Arizona to visit her daddy. He moved there after the divorce. She is now away for Christmas and I dont get her back till the 26th. Is anyone else having to do this and how do you deal with it?

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Crystal - posted on 03/30/2010

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My ex and I divorced in december of 2008 and he ended up with custody of them. He lives in Ohio and I in Texas. I only get to see them one week in December and 6 weeks in the summer if I can get the money together to get them. And trust me I scrimp and save every penny to get them for those few weeks. I has been hard on me but I call as often as I can. And as often as he will let me talk to them. Just recently he told me he couldn't handle them anymore and wanted me to take them. It has been the answer to my prayers but sadly at the expense of my children. They feel that daddy no longer wants them or loves them. They are only 3 and 5 and I see this as a situation that will be very difficult for them when I finally get them to me. Be glad that your child knows that both mommy and daddy loves her. And that no matter what she can rely on the two of you. And remember that every time she is away it will hurt but she is coming back because she loves you.

Kerstin - posted on 02/15/2010

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We have been separated for almost a year and a half now and my husband filed for divorce last summer. Our children (daughter 8 years, son 6 years) haven't seen their daddy since Christmas 2008. He is active military (stationed in TX and deployed right now) and I am back in Germany with my family. We have had a lot of issues in the 15 years we have been married. And one of them is that he doesn't seem to care too much about his children. We are both at fault for our marriage not working. But he doesn't really show too much interest in his kids. He only calls about every 2 weeks, he never writes letters or emails. And I know for a fact he has enough time to do at least that! I don't expect him to call every day while he is deployed. But he could write to them.
He doesn't pay child support, in fact, I have not gotten any money since we separated. His brilliant idea was to take the kids for a full year when he gets back from his deployment and then they come back and live with me again for a year and then they stay with him again for a year - and so on. Frankly, I told him to stuff it up where the sun don't shine! He cannot shuffle his kids around like this! We finally settled on the kids coming to visit for several weeks during the summer time. My only problem is: I honestly don't know if our son would do this. And I am not sure if I want to send the children at all, because I don't know if he can handle them. He never spent any time alone with them, other then a few hours during the day. The only time him and the kids spent time without me was on two occasions when he took the kids to see his parents for the weekend and I got to stay home to have some me-time. And then his mom and sisters where there to take over. And how do I convince my 6-year-old son to get on that airplane with just his sisters for company to see a daddy that has only been around for maybe 2 1/2 out of the past 6 years? He had to leave for a deployment when he was only 5 months old and when he got back a year later, he was a total stranger to our son. It took him close to 2 years to build some kind of connection to him, where our son wouldn't scream and cry when daddy was alone with him. And then he had to leave again for a year.
On top of that, I have to honestly say I don't trust him to not take the kids and hide them and not let them come back to me. I also don't trust him to not speak badly about me. I never say anything bad about him. I want my children to form their own opinion when they get older. Right now, it's the military's fault for daddy not being with us. Not his and not mine, but his job.
But what am I going to do when he wants the kids to come and visit for 6 weeks in the summer? What do I do if they don't want to go. He has accused me of brainwashing them before. Just because our daughter doesn't want to talk to him on the phone. And what do I do if she calls within days and wants to come home? We are talking 9 hours on the plane. And no direct flights into where he lives???

Tamara - posted on 01/21/2010

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I have been on both sides... been the parent with both the majority and minority of the time with the kids. It's hard on both sides, but that's the reality of the situation. My ex and I live 1,000 apart, so custody arrangements are horrible. As hard as it is though, you have to be strong for your kids, be positive about the situation and don't make them feel torn. Children feed off of your emotions and actions, so if you're bawling and wailing about them leaving, they'll take that to mean they shouldn't go and that you are falling apart without them. Check your emotions, make it easier on your children and encourage them to spend the time with the other parent (as long as it's safe, of course). They should always come first, as hard as it may be.

Amanda - posted on 01/20/2010

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Im so sorry, it's such a hard ship when you have to let your kid(s) go to the other parent. Its' even harder when it's long periods at a time. I have two wonderful step kids Jared and Emma, we have a reversed situaton we get them 1 week at Christmas and a month in the summer it breaks my heart when they go home. I promise it gets easier as the time goes on. Just remember she comes home to you and you get all the holidays he doesnt get. Be strong for your daughters sake: )

Emilia - posted on 12/29/2009

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Children are NOT puppies. They are little human beings that are entitled to have as many people as are available to show them love. I am mystified by the feelings that some of these people put forth, as if they will die if their children spend any time with that other parent. Unless the other parent was physically abusive or has problems with drugs/alcohol I really don't understand all the feelings of angst associated with the child visiting their other parent.

I would hope that a parent would be able to set aside their feelings about what THEY WANT (in many cases to hurt the other parent for mistakes that percipitated a failed marriage) and afford the child to feel love and attachment to BOTH because it is best for the child. Unless there is a real threat to the child's safety (and he dumped me for his secretary or she was a cheating so and so doesn't qualify) what went on between the parents shouldn't be allowed to impede the child's ability to feel a bond with both.

Valerie - posted on 12/29/2009

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I haven't been through this but perhaps journalling might help...i would also recommend that you read some books about divorce and the effects on children...visitation is a good thing for her as long as it is safe...

Valerie - posted on 12/28/2009

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My ex and I are 5 hours apart. We meet 1/2 way for visitaion about once a month. He took her on Christmas Eve and I get her back on the 1st every other year. It is hard being away from her but it is important that she spends time with Daddy as well.

Joy - posted on 12/28/2009

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u dont really hv much choice, except if she doesn't like going to her dads, i kn its difficult but this is ur reality. whtever choices u mk concerning ur daughter let it be in her best interests, dont ever allow whtever is going on b/w u and her father be the issue. good luck

Emilia - posted on 12/27/2009

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Hard is being separated from your children for over 3 years. With all due respect, get over it. It is but a short period of time. Imagine the parent that has to live without that child the rest of the year.

You are fortunate that you have the ability to be with your child the rest of the time. What difference does the date on the calendar make when you have them EVERY OTHER DAY? I mean, don't the most important moments happen "during the boring stuff"?

My comments were not designed to give you grief, but only to offer you perspective so you can endure what may seem like "the end of the world".

Andrea - posted on 12/27/2009

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It was really hard to let her go. I was crying and just kept asking myself, am I doing the right thing. I just got her back yesterday and I was so thankful. I missed her so much. I talked as much as 4 times a day while she was gone. I know she had a good time with her dad and all his family. I think it was good that she got to go but IT WAS SO HARD!!!!

Marcie - posted on 12/22/2009

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I'm so sorry. My ex moved to KS this spring, and I'm always worried he's going to try something to get my now 6 year old out of state for visits. I'm armed and ready to go back to court when it comes up again, but it scares me. He had her here in the same city over Christmas last year for just the day and it just ripped my heart out. I wish I had some good advice for you, but I don't. Just wanted to let you know I feel your pain.

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