What do I do when my daughter doesn't want to go to dad's?

David - posted on 05/04/2013

I see all the comments and realize that not many
Dads are here. Dad just wants to do fun things... Yea he only gets her 2 days a week. She doesn't like the girl friend. He and you should talk to the CHILD and try to show her that people find it difficult to live alone and the child and mother have each other even if mom has no boyfriend yet ( and does the girlfriend bother mom too?) I wish I could just take him to court.. well is dad doing what he is supposed to do like pay his support? is he doing what the court said? then leave him alone and let him see his kid, damn. Should I call the cops and build a case? not unless you are one incredibly big bitch. What you should be asking is how the child is going to react to what YOU DID to the dad about 5-10 years down the road, when shes ok with the girlfriend, and they are friends and you two don't get along so well anymore, and maybe she wants to go live with dad awhile.... KARMA ladies. how about do whats right and let the man see his daughter and honor the divorce. and explain to the child why she needs to go see her dad who loves her too.

Redbear - posted on 11/28/2012

I have an ex who pretty much blocks my access to one of my kids telling him 'you need to be protected so you don't need to go' - without any reason for it since the other 3 either live with me or visit every weekend.



You need to be aware that without a court ruling, you are at risk for criminal charges for interfering with custody. In some states, its a misdemeanor and in others it's a felony.



Talk with your daughter and your ex; if he truly is abusing your daughter during visitation, then go see child services and file a complaint.

Maryellen - posted on 09/16/2012

Been there a little over 4 months ago.

We already went to a mediator and my daughter didn't want to go then but the mediator told her that she didn't have a choice that her dad has the right to see her too. They awarded visitation. I have already spent 7K for an attorney to do nothing for me. He would pick her up on Tues evenings and do the dinner thing. Not once did he take the time to make sure the homework was done. He got his weekends and always planned "fun" things and always made sure that others were involved. My daughter didn't want to go. She was over an hour away from home and couldn't spend time with her friends. She also had basketball games and soccer training for the upcoming season. Which he didn't take to any training. Cause he didn't feel it was necessary. Of course he didn't cause he never ever took her to any of her sporting events. I always did.

My ex told my daughter that his girlfriend would not be at Easter dinner with her family. When she got there the girlfriend was there. When my daughter came home we sat and talked about it. She felt she didn't have a choice cause the courts told her that her dad has the right to see her. I told her she was 15 and she does have rights and if her dad can't respect her wishes than she has to stand up for herself and what she feels right.

My daughters grades went from A's to E's within weeks of having to deal with all the stress and hurt.

I told her that I would support her decision. Her decision was that she wanted to be with her dad but not the girlfriend. I told her that she had to tell him. Which she did. She went outside and I watched out the window. It was probably 1/2 hour before she came back in, and he left. I immediately emailed my attorney and told him what happened and he said that if she refuses on her own and I do not get involved, then there isn't anything they can do.

My daughter had not seen or talked to her dad for 6 months. Her grades are all back where they were before he left and she seems so much happier cause she doesn't have to worry!

I also fired my attorney and will go thru the rest of my divorce without one.

Kristina - posted on 09/13/2012

all of you seem to have a lot of good advice......although, I cant seem to find the answers or comfort answers i need...my daughter is 5.....her and her father also have temporary joint...shes with me a week and him a week...until court in Nov.......we have done a similar echange since I left him in 2008......but she was 2....and had no complaints...for a year and a half, she has been complaining about going, always cries when she knows its time to go to his house, and says things like I wish I could stay with mommy a lot and only daddy for a lil bit. and that time goes by fast with me and slow with daddy. she says him and his new wife fight a lot.....shes always leaving and he drinks a lot. He doesnt spend quality time with her like he should...his wife is usually one that contacts me about lily....not him. I think it should be him. anyways, we live in the same school district, so its easy for her to go to school when shes with him, but he also wants her to go to the school that his step daughter goes to...everything is an issue...I havnt said anything yet, but I have been seeing a guy for a couple months, he lives in Mississippi, and its getting serious....and I think I would like to move sometime in the future, but think Lily needs to be with me and her brother and sister.....where it seems she wants to be. ...I need some advise.....on your outlook....do you think I can/ will get full custody?? he has a record of being domestically abusive to me and has 2 DWI's and is currently on probation.....everything ive read has said, its not wise to move and most judges will not approve......i have no plans of right now to move, just want to have the option in the future with no problems......also, dont you think my chances of getting full custody is probably going down by allowing the week to week arrangement happen?? please ladies/guys, i need some insight!!!!

Helen - posted on 10/13/2009

Thanks Everyone for all the information!!! It is good to know that others are dealing with the same issues out there. I contacted the school counselor who already had 1 visit with her today. He is going to continue to see her weekly. My daughter (Lauren) is with dad with week. I called her Monday and she didn't say much. I just chalked it up to dad might have gotten even more mad at her or she couldn't say much where she was at. I do have to older children (not his) and he helped raise them. The oldest one has not had much to do with him over the past 3 years. The ex was emotionally abusive towards him and he has decided that the best way to play the game is not to have anything to do with it. He has talked with my daughter as well and told her it is going to be ok and that she will get through it. I guess in the mean time, we just keep hanging in there and see what life brings next!!!

Beth - posted on 10/13/2009

Quoting Sarah:
 Sometimes our ex-spouses are too self-obsorbed to see it. A big reason why there was a divorce in the first place.

Amen to that, Sarah! 

It sounds to me like the girlfriend could be an excellent conduit for your daughter to have a "relationship" with her father until he figures out how to have one himself. Is she likely to stick around do you think? My kids have seen more of their father since he hooked up with his girlfriend.  They like her a lot, seem to be very comfortable with her, and there hasn't been any damaged ego to soothe when they got home when she's there with the guys.

Sarah - posted on 10/13/2009

This is so weird, because I just happened to stumble upon this site today. My 11 yr old has just recently decided she no longer wants to go visit her dad this summer. ( I have primary custody, we live in NC, he lives in FL) I figured this would happen at some point once she got older & was more involved with school & sports, but didn't figure on it being quite this soon. Her dad doesn't keep in contact like he could be or should be. (emails, phone calls, etc.) He didn't even at least send a birthday card this year, and nothing came from his family. (Out of sight, out of mind???) The phone call on her birthday lasted 5 minutes!!! They have no relationship....when she does go to stay in the summer, it's for a month and they don't do a whole lot of activies. She tells me she does a lot of TV watching, and laying around. Girlfriend does more with her than dad does. (playdates, crafts, etc.) I want her to still have a "relationship", if you want to call it that, with her dad. I don't want her or him to say I stopped or interfered with anything.....but I don't want to force her to go if she doesn't want to. I've told her she needed to talk to her dad about it. Of course, I have a feeling I'll still be the "bad guy" in the situation. Hope it works out with everyone who posted thier situations. It's hard being a divorced parent...we want wants best for our kids. Sometimes our ex-spouses are too self-obsorbed to see it. A big reason why there was a divorce in the first place.

Beth - posted on 10/12/2009

Find out what the law says in your state. I live in Massachusetts and when a kid reaches 12 or 13 he or she can decide whether or not they want to visit the other parent and the parent is expected to honor that. My ex accused me of all sorts of stuff but the bottom line is he's always been a lousy father and it's always somehow someone else's fault (mine) that his relationships with his boys are so superficial. I've been divorced for two years now and my ex has been with his current girlfriend for most of that time. He has had them for a whopping 7 overnights in 2 years, ALL ofthem with either his mother or his girlfriend there. My boys like their father's girlfriend so that's not an issue but their father virtually never spends quality time with his boys, there's always someone else there to pick up slack, run interference, whatever. Maybe your ex does something similar, pays as much or more attention to his girlfriend when your daughter is there and she doesn't like it. Is it possible that the two of them are inapproriately intimate in front of her and that makes her uncomfortable? Maybe she used to snuglle with her dad on the couch to watch a movie and now she's been pushed off the couch by the GF. Who knows. A counselor is the best bet -- and why not at school? I wish you the best. Remeber to give yourself credit for keeping your daughter's well-being at the top of your priority list.

Holly - posted on 10/12/2009

I went through a similar situation. My daughter's 11 and she's been complaining for a couple of years about going to her dad's. I used to tell him and he would take it out on me. He said I was playing games and convincing her not to go. I finally told her if she doesn't want to go then she has to call him herself. She did that and he told her he would never pick her up again. She was bawling her eyes out and watched him drive away. Fortunately we do have a middle person and I called them and they called him and he said it was a misunderstanding. He called her and explained it but she didn't seem to buy it. She goes over every time now because going is better than having her dad hate her. It breaks my heart. We are divorced because he was a crap father. No abuse but no attention either. I've been told repeatedly by both my children that he stays in his bedroom the whole time and they do whatever they want. I don't have the money either but I would love to take him back to court. Unfortunately I know he would guilt my children into changing their stories before we got to court so it would pointless. I know I can't do anything but be the best mom I can and hope that one day they'll understand. I don't feel I have another option. The courts refuse to take the kids best interests into consideration. They only consider what they assume is in the kids best interest.

Cindy - posted on 10/12/2009

I have a similar situation, maybe not as complex as yours. sorry to hear.
I simply did not force my daughter to visit dad if she was uncomfortable with it.
Dad had a hard time with it, but than realized best not to force anything!
Hopefully given some time of cooling off?? and not forcing, let daughter make decision and dad will agree?? Good luck to you.

Mandie - posted on 10/11/2009

Wow Helen, what an upsetting situation for everyone, you have my sympathy. I hope you dont mind, but I'm a second wife so I guess my view is from another angle. If you dont want my advice I wont be offended at all as I realise you probably wanted other Biomoms' advice. If it helps I'm a Biomom too. BTW until recently we had shared custody as well and it is truely a nightmare for the kids (and us)- WORST idea the courts ever came up with if you ask me.

Firstly, most courts in most countries will listen to the view of a 12 year old so maybe that's worth pursuing. I understand school records can be subpoened so that might work with the school counsellor as well. However, be very cautious, because one day she may feel the same way about being with you. We have experienced this with both my stepsons and they do chop and change as they get older. I wouldn't say that kids 'make up' stuff but kids of a divorce do often 'have a different perspective' if that's a way of putting it. I dont think it's always deliberate- as they say there's always 3 versions of the truth- yours, mine and what actually happened. Is it possible that there is no real issue with dad's girlfriend but that she may be jealous of 'sharing' him? I only suggest this because if so, you will always have this problem when he has a partner, regardless of who the woman actually is. With the yelling part- perhaps he is always yelling at her- or perhaps there is a behavioural issue with her because of her feelings about dad's girlfriend; when she is there? I certainly had this with my youngest stepson when he was younger- he couldn't help it, he just wanted his mum and dad back together and that's understandable. It just sounds to me like she's mad at him, which is not the necessarily same thing as not wanting to see him; but saying that is really the only power she can take for herself out of the situaion? I agree that she needs counselling, there is probably stuff going on for her that she cant talk to either of you about, often church and/ot community groups do low cost, or out-of-hours sessions. I agree that it shouldn't be only up to you though, have you asked her dad why he doesn't want her to go? Are you able to have any family leave at work?

With respect to calling Police every time he's late etc- I wouldn't do that- unless obviously there is a legitimate safety concern. the reasons are 1. Because the police shouldn't be used as a mediation service UNLESS there is a safety issue- dont forget their records can also be subpoened to court and you dont want to look like a vexatious complainant 2. It will just up the ante between the 2 of you and things will just get owrse and worse. Is there a mutual friend/relative who can sit with you both while you try to PEACEFULLY has out some of these issues? Sometimes someone who knows you both can be a bit more objective than either of you.