what do i tell my kids about dad

Agnes - posted on 02/14/2010

Hi there. I have been separated for almost 8 years and left my ex husband when I was pregnant with my second daughter. He also cheated on me. My daughter started asking about her dad and I told him that her dad and I have some differences and that he hurt mom and my other son very badly. She was okay with it. I also told her - would you want to have a family that is complete even if we are always fighting or would she rather have a happy family. Kids are resilient and in their own way, they will understand what's happening - they're not stupid too so keeping things or sugar coating what really happened may not be a good idea. What's important is that they are assured that both parents still love them and that the separation has nothing to do with them. I'm currently going through my annullment (no divorce here), after ten years and she's taking it pretty well. She sees her dad every now and then, but she no longer questions why we're not together. Hope this somehow helps.

Jodi - posted on 02/12/2010

I agree with what everyone here has said. Most of all be truthful and do it before his last day otherwise you are dropping a bomb on her which isn't fair. I realize it's hard and no parent wants to be responsible for hurting their child through decisions or actions they are making for themselves but you are doing what is best for all of you.

Never never never speak ill about him in front of her. It will backfire. My ex was physically abusive and we split when my son was 14 months old and despite it I always encouraged a relationship between his father and he because no matter what happens between adults children are innocent, unless the abuse continues over onto the child which in my case it did and now my son doesn't see his father.

That does not sound like your dilemma. Telling your daughter in terms she can understand without the gory details is best. She has friends. I'm sure she has not always gotten along with her friends or had a disagreement and not spoken to them for a bit. Explain it that way, mommy and daddy need some time apart, a time out from each other, she is not the problem or at fault and both of you still love her and will continue to support and be there for her.

And counseling can help wonders for all of you if you can do it.

Best of luck and hang in there, and I'm sorry you are hurting right now not just over the feelings you have for your child but yourself for what you and your husband are going through.

I don't know if you will ever be able to forgive him. People make mistakes and I am not saying he was right for what he did. Lord knows none of understand relationships and it's so damn complicated. All I know is that I used to say if I ever found out my husband cheated that would be it. But my dad cheated on my mom after so many years of marriage and they just celebrated their 37th wedding anniversary. When I asked my mom why she forgave him, she told me because marriage is for better and for worse and this was worse and sucked but he was her best friend. I don't know if I would have the strength to forgive.

Something to think about.
Lots of prayers and wishes

Jo - posted on 02/10/2010

It looks like you've been given a lot of very good advice from many different sources from some personal experiences. Separation and ultimately divorce is never easy at the best of times....I know that at this stage you are only looking at how to tell your daughter that you and her father are separating, but don't make the mistake of giving her false hope as that will only cause further hurt, confusion and upset. And there will possibly times where she will be angry with you and even her father for tipping her world upside down, so be prepared for moodswings and other behaviour. Just be patient with her and try and make the transition as smooth as possible. See if there is a group she or even the both of you could attend to have similiar situation of other kids around her and yourself so you know what to expect and how to deal with it. You have a lot in front of you..so take your time, take it day by day and do try not to do too much to soon .It's a mourning process which has various phases, seek councelling for you and her if it's necessary. And before you do anything make sure this is really what you want, this is a very big and difficult step. Look at it when your calm and rational and had some time to adjust, when the hurt and shock as subsided somewhat...which can be extremely difficult and can take a little while, but you get a better prespective, if you can do that, then you'll feel better that your not acting out of malice or vengence because that is just a perfectly natural reaction to the sitution. Some marriages do survive after there is unfaithfulness, anyway you have a lot to deal with over the next few weeks, so goodluck and all the best concerning you daughter.

Donna - posted on 02/08/2010

I have a 7 year old daughter. Her father and I separated when she was 3 and divorced when she was 5. I cannot stress enough to you how important it is to isolate your children from the mayhem, drama, and stress of your situation.
First, reassure your daughter that this is not her fault. Remember, little ones truly believe that everything is about them. Just explain to her that sometimes mommies and daddies cannot live together. Expect a lot of questions. I still get them, seemingly out of the blue. Be patient.

Second, as hard as it may be, do not say anything negative about her father in front of her. She loves her daddy and will need him. Do not make her choose between the two of you. No matter how crappy he may have been to you, she needs to be provided with every opportunity to have a relationship with him - hopefully he wants that.

Lastly, it is unavoidable that your child will be hurt by this news. Just be there for her and try to keep everything in her routine as consistent as possible. Let her know that she can talk freely with you... knowing my 7 year old... I am sure she will. Expect some changes in her moods and with school. Luckily, my daughter is doing very well but occasionally she shows a lack of confidence. Don't be afraid to reach out for professional help. When all of this happened to us, I sought out a child counselor. My daughter has been meeting with her for over a year. She loves there time together and freely discussed her feelings and learns tools on how to discuss these things with mom and dad in her own way.
Best of luck!!!!!!

Carrie - posted on 02/08/2010

My daughter was five when my x-husband and I separated. They will ask questions. Answer them honestly. They know when you're lying and then lying is what you're teaching them if you don't answer with the truth. Be honest. All details are not needed but honesty is. "Dad and I have had a disagreement and we've chosen to live in different houses." When she gets older you might want to tell her what the disagreement was but for now that's probably good enough.

Michele - posted on 02/08/2010

Your daughter does not need to know the details only that mommy and daddy won't be living together anymore. Insure her that this has nothing to do with her and that both of you love her very much and that no matter where you or daddy live that will never change. I don't think I would wait until the last minute to let her know that some things will be changing but that those changes are necessary. I believe if you tell her explicitly that daddy is leaving too soon it could confuse her when days pass and he's still there. I tried keeping it positive with my kids, insuring them of our love, exciting them about the special times they would have during mommy time and daddy time, how they would make new friends, that they were special and different from some of their friends because now they got 2 of everything (bdays, holidays, etc...). I know it doesn't make up for mommy and daddy seperating but from a childs perspective those things are important and children are resilient and they adjust to the change in their circumstances better then we do. Good Luck, I know this is a huge decision!

Jasmine - posted on 01/31/2010

I agree with Gayle just tell her that mummy and daddy need to have a break and then when she is old enough and really understands and she wants to know the truth then tell her what happened, That is what i am doing with my daughter who was a year old when her father left me for a fifteen year old (who he was with before he left me)

Kacie - posted on 01/30/2010

I agree with Gayle all of the way!!!

Damaris - posted on 01/30/2010

thanks that helps

GAYLE - posted on 01/29/2010

She only needs to know that mummy and daddy are having a little break from each other as you don't want to tell her more than she really needs to know. She is only 7 year old after all. Tell her that it is nothing she has done and that you both love her very much. When you do tell her I think both of you should be there to tell her so you can both reassure her. Don't leave it until the last minute but I do think timing would be most important. She will probably play up and ask all sorts of questions but she only needs to know that grown ups do sometimes have problems and find it easier to sort out when they live apart. Just make sure that she knows that it isn't her fault and that you and daddy love her even tho you won't be together. Be honest with her but remember she is a child. Good luck.