What to do if ex keeps dragging you back to court? Is there a way to stop this?

Angela - posted on 04/16/2010 ( 70 moms have responded )

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It's been almost 5 years.. we are divorce, annuled, and have a final agreement long in place. My ex keeps dragging me back to court, mostly for money issues of support, but also to try and change the visitation agreement. I am very fair about giving him extra time with the kids, but my feeling is that he just keeps wanting to keep me suffering in court nonsense. Is there a legal way I can stop him from doing this? It really feels like harassment.

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Samantha - posted on 08/24/2012

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Filing him to be a "Vexatious Litigant" will put parameters with what he can file with the court....the judge would have to approve his filings before he can file; this should put a stick in his bike wheel, for sure ;)

Sam - posted on 04/12/2013

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What would do if you were in his shoes? why you beileve that you are better then him?
what you would do if you are no longer parent just a visiter ?
You can solve if you want without even going to court have joint legal and physical custody and please do not use your kid for gaining the power because later on you will loose it when they are at age 14 and they will hate you for it

Lisa - posted on 04/10/2013

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I'm going through the same thing. Three years divorced. Will find any excuse to take me to court and dodges mediation and refuses counseling. I spend at least 1500.00 per month on attorneys fees. My attorney wants $20,000.00 for a retainer to get custody. I feel stuck and either way I'm broke.

[deleted account]

there is one thing you can do, you can file (sorry forgot the name of it) so that if he wants to take you to court again he has to pass it throught a judge first and they will determine weather or not it is justifiable. from what I'm told by my lawyer he can't contact you until he get's the okay.

Be - posted on 04/26/2010

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Yes that is right Stephanie...I am going through the same thing...but at the same time even if you bit your tongue ...it doesn't mean the emotions aren't there...we still need to release the emotions...by either writing them down or talk to a glass filled with water. Say all the things you want to say, vent your anger there, but end it with i release you , i forgive you, I love you...and throw the water away.. we know that he is hurting himself..in that light, we are able to see the person at the soul level... in that sense we can still say the word I love you..in the sense we love them as a soul...but his personality right now is the one that we don't like....at the same time we want to end our
karma ties with our ex....so by sending love to him will give us peace...and then focus on our kids and moving forward...For me i am grateful each day...I am blessed with kids, home , friends and work....We are both blessed :)

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Bonnie - posted 44 minutes ago

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I too have been harassed by constant court battles where I represent myself in another state for 10 years...and I have to go back again.....one day my kids will be over 18 and my ex will have to find something else to do with hisv time and money. Ill never willingly give up my kids so the drama goes on. Much symphony and prayers to u

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Dana - posted on 03/30/2014

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Wow sounds like my story. It's very stressful and I hope it gets better for u. I got so tired of the drama and court stuff I told him he could keep are daughter and when the day comes when she older and more mature she will choose where she wants to live. I no it sounds harsh but I have been dealing with cops,dss, him and his wife threatening me and my husband that I just gave and pray things get better. I hope things get better for u.

Michelle - posted on 03/20/2014

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Wow. Almost sounds like my story. I have been divorced 6 years now. Every year since I have been taken back to court for no reason. He never win s. It is all about control. I am so stressed. I dont know how to get him to stop. Financially it iskilling me.

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Melissa - posted on 02/08/2014

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I was never married to my daughters father, but he is a narcissist and has lived under the radar since I've known him.... No taxes, lives in house foreclosures or friends basements.. He feels entitled to change the custody arrangement to 50/50 despite her being 3 and screams in terror when she goes with him...every time. I make a good income, have a home I bought in a great neighborhood, and always there for her for anything school, doctor, anything...while he is not. I need advice. He took me to court every time in the past, even so far as to file a restraining order against me because he didn't want me to know that he was getting kicked out of where he was living. It was dropped, but now we meet at the station and I am to know nothing about where she stays when she is with him. Anyone else in the same boat?

Sam - posted on 01/09/2014

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I do agree with you . Keep the lawyers out and think about your children first what you have done to them the money wasted for lawyers can be save for the children . Mediation everyone will win but the lawyers working it out everyone will win fighting it everyone will loose offer it .
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Sam - posted on 04/12/2013

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The Question is What to do if you were in his shoes? you become a visiter to your own child?
The answer is 50/50 custody

Lisa - posted on 04/10/2013

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I heard that its not a good idea. In fact I read that in a custody book not to even think about it. You'll get reemed. But I would if I could!

Abbie - posted on 01/25/2013

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My ex also keeps taking me to court to try to increase his visitation and decrease the child support he pays. The problem is ... I am financially exhausted! My son is only 6, and I don't know how we will cope if this keeps up. I need to keep my resources to be able to raise him, not to keep putting into the hands of lawyers.

So, my question is: have any of you gone to court without a lawyer? Does anyone have any advice for whether this is a feasible option? What are the pros? What are the cons? Is this an effective way to protect my son's custody arrangement?

Emma - posted on 01/07/2013

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just to let you know there is a facebook page mothers and children need justice i am one of the admins, but not founder it has helped me so much my ex keeps dragging me back to court, and its nice to get advice of the other girls who all no how you feel and understand. Angela what ever did happen is he still dragging you through court. my solicitor said something to me last time, how he cant keep doing it it can be stopped. xxxx

Be - posted on 04/26/2010

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So... all i can say Stephanie is....Congratulations! You are doing great! Cheers!

Stephanie - posted on 04/26/2010

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I agree Be Lene, we are blessed. I have a wonderful daughter who despite everything is still as very loving and forgiving child. She gets angry with her father and is not shy about letting him know when and why she's upset but she still forgives him and I know she loves him even if she doesn't like what he's doing. And i do vent my feelings, I write, I draw and I even vent to my cat.. he's a great listener (as long as I keep scratching him behind his ear..lol) and it dose help to vent, I feel let frustrated and I guess you could say I feel lighter because I don't have all the negative weighing me down. And it really does help to come here to Circle of Moms and talk with other moms who are going through or have gone through similar problems.. Some days i don't know what I'd do without you other moms to talk to.

Stephanie - posted on 04/26/2010

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My only comfort has been my daughter and my fiancee, they keep me focused on the positive and we try not to let all the court stuff get us down. We just keep on doing the best we can day to day and some days it's easier than others... My mantra over the last year has been "Karma is a bigger B**** than I could ever be and sooner or later it's gonna bite him in the butt big time"
And I truly believe in Karma.... Thats why I have tried to stay positive and when ever my ex upsets me and I so want to say something mean back I bite my tongue...I just calmly say you do what you have to do and I'll do the same or I'm sorry you feel that way.....it's really hard sometimes and at this point I'm surprised I have a tongue left...but it's worth it because my daughter sees that I'm not the one causing trouble and that My focus is her and not being petty. and in the end thats all that really matters to me....so let my ex do what he wants.... he's only hurting himself and he's the one driving the wedge between him and our daughter, not me.

Be - posted on 04/23/2010

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Well said Stephanie :) Its really not easy...but life goes on eh? We just focus on moving forward :)

Stephanie - posted on 04/22/2010

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Angela,
I can so sympathize with what you are going through.. as I am and have been going through the same thing with my ex for the last 3 years. As far as I can see it's all about control. I agree with Michele - keep good documentation of everything (phone calls, emails etc..). I have a note book I keep by my phone where I log the time, date and brief conversation details of every time my ex calls as well as take a photo of the caller ID. And like Be Lene has said try not to let him get to you, it will only make your ex feel like he has more control over you and will only cause him to try and upset you more. And I know it's frustrating....my ex has me in and out of court every couple of months just because he can ( i know this cause he's said as much). but unfortunately there isn't much that can be done about it.... As I was told by the court clerk... your ex has the right to change/alter/disagree/motion the courts as often as they want.... my best advise would be to be as open and as honest with your children (depending on the ages) about whats going on (don't be negative or "bad mouth" your ex..that can only get You into trouble). And try and stay positive and not let all the court stuff run your life (and I know thats easier said than done). Children see and understand alot more than most adults give them credit for and one day your children are going to confront their father about all he's done.....Best of luck to you

Be - posted on 04/22/2010

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One thing to be grateful of isn't it ? haha..In our country, there is such a thing as psychological incapacity, meaning that he or she wasn't able to perform his or her role as a wife or husband in the marriage that is why the psychological test is part of the annulment proceeding and as I know it is just one test. Right now focus your energy on your children and yourself. Let him waste his energy in anger and fear. Trust that you are always guided, Angela.

Angela - posted on 04/22/2010

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Oh and Be Lene, he tried the same with me.. told his family and our mutual friends that I had kicked him out even though the exact opposite was true. He really can not accept that he is not always right or perfect.. thank God I don't have to be his wife anymore at least.....

Angela - posted on 04/22/2010

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Be Lene, if he had taken any kind of psychological testing, he would have failed to be sure. Pretty ironic you should ask that, since I have been realizing more and more there are many psychological health issues with him... narcisitic is just the beginning! In Canada, we don't routinely do these kinds of tests in custody matters, unless there is reasonable grounds that they are necessary. Then they have to be paid for, which is not cheap.. a full investigation of this type could run 10 grand or more. I know my ex has mental health issues, but I don't believe he is a threat to my children per say, so I wouldn't try to interfere with his visitation time, but he always wants to interfere with our lives... very frustrating and irritating.

Michele - posted on 04/20/2010

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My husband had this problem with his exwife. We were in court for everything, finally our attorney began asking for attorneys fees for the continual unnecessary court appearances. We were never awarded attorneys fees to be paid but when it was included in all lawyer coorespondences that we would be seeking expenses and adding it to our motions she started backing off. We haven't been to court in just over a year, which is good considering we were going almost every month for almost 2 years. One other thing.... Keep good documentation. If you can continually prove any and all accusations wrong or show that you are fair and fullfilling your duties to uphold your childs relationship with their father then a judge will get tired of dealing with it. Good Luck!!

Lucy - posted on 04/20/2010

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I have had similar experiences. My ex has taken me back twice over trivial nonsense. He has already told me he will take me back again when our son is old enough that the court will consider his opinion (he won't say he wants anything differently but he's probably afraid to tell his dad that). What my attorney said is that everyone has a right to their day in court. But if he continues to take me back for unimportant issues, he will be more likely to have to pay my attorney's fees in the future. That may discourage him. Since you're not using an attorney, you wouldn't have as much to penalize him with, just the court fees, which aren't that much.

Be - posted on 04/19/2010

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Sounds familiar Angela....Same thing with my ex..(who is narcistic) .He talks to my friend and make it sound like he was the victim...please...don't think that you made a big mistake...it just an experience you have to go through...it's part of the journey....find one thing to be thankful about everyday...your children, a home, job, friends....things like that. Did he take any psychological test as part of the proceedings? I am not from your country that is why I don't exactly know things work there.....

Angela - posted on 04/19/2010

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Thanks everyone for the great advice. Rebecca, it's already in our final agreement that we try to work it out alone first, then with a mediator.. he has never done this, but there doesn't seem to be any penalty for ignoring that stipulation. I stopped hiring a lawyer years ago, and I have had to learn a lot about filing papers and the nonsense back and forth of it all. I refuse to pay one more dime towards a lawyer.. I'm embarrased to say how much I had paid already to get that first final agreement. He is indeed very bitter (even though he is the one who left me for another woman.. ??) and still very angry, sad, etc. I'm believing more and more that there are big mental health issues as well. Just trying to get on with our lives with my children and keep them happy and healthy despite all his nonsense. Talk about making a huge mistake and having to pay for it for the rest of your life!

Rebecca - posted on 04/18/2010

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Yes - slap him with your legal fees under the guidelines of reasonableness of the other party. If he is constantly driving up your costs with unreasonable requests then he can pay for them. Also, add in that you need to try and settle things through mediation first. You each pay $100 or so and sit in a room without lawyers for an hour to try and come to an agreement on financial and visitation requests.

Valerie - posted on 04/18/2010

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probably not...they have a right to go back to court if circumstances change...you don't have to hire a lawyer each time and you don't need to let him know that you haven't hired one...just show up and be honest and keep the focus on the best interest of the children

Be - posted on 04/18/2010

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This might sound out of this world to you. Try sending him love by visualizing pink color emanating from you to him. Try to change your reactions to him but being a bit like detached and sending him forgiveness. Prayers really do wonders. Believe and Affirm that all is well.....take care....

Jane - posted on 04/16/2010

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Unfortunately, I don't think so. He can keep you in court for the rest of your children's non-adult life if he really wanted to. He's obviously very bitter. It's very sad...I feel bad for you but I'm not sure there is much you can do about it :(

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