What to do when ex-husband isn't getting his kids on his weekend?

Heidi - posted on 02/13/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I have been divorced since this past summer, it has only been in the last two months that my children's father has decided to finally get his kids on his every other saturday from 9 a.m to 6 p.m. Which totals to be about 16 hrs a month that he gets them. He only calls then maybe if they are lucky once every three days... My problems is that he isn't following the time guidlines he is late by like three hours.... or he wants to drop them off earlier... I dont know until a half hour before that he is going to get them or not. the kids start worrying about three days prior wondering if he is coming or not. When I ask or try to pin him down for an answer I get the runaround... He was supposed to get them today, he never showed or called me or them to say if was or wasn't. The kids called him today and left messages and he has yet to return them.. he actually hasn't called them or talked to them in ten days..( he has gone as long as 5 months before) I don't know what to do.. do I let him "control" the time and the day so to speak so that at least my kids see there Dad.... or do I put my foot down and say.. Your day is every other Saturday and make him follow that... I don't want to come across like a b**ch but my kids are suffering greatly.. I don't mind making exceptions when things come up. and having to change the day or time when given ample notice but Iam not getting any notice .... and for crying out loud... its only 16 hrs a month... thats it....!!!! so I need some opinions.. and help!!! What do I do?? and if Iam being picky let me know.. I just don't want to go through the next 18 years at his beck and call..when its only convenient for him to get his children....

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Redbear - posted on 11/28/2012

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Take him to court, he's in violation of the custody agreement and, in some states, that's enough for you to get full custody.

Gary - posted on 11/26/2013

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Hi , i am a father of three daughters , i am seperated from there mother , i work on average about 300 hours per month to keep a roof over my head and provide for my kids aswell , i didnt used to phone my kids and only spoke to them when i picked them up because i would get nothing but abuse and hurtful words hurled at me , i love my kids all my heart and if i had a choice i would have them all live with me i live and breath my girls , but im classed as the absent father because the ex decided to move another man in whilst i was at work , now she lives in the house i bought with her new partner and everything i worked for and my kids , and i get nothing but threats because i cant see them more , how is this fair , all i ever wanted was to provide for her and my kids and im the Bad guy .
women have the say at the end of the day .

Connie - posted on 04/23/2013

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How I feel for you....I am in the same boat. I believe we just have to do what is right for our children. Just stop letting him see the children...give him a few mintues and if he late just leave. But write everything down in case he takes you to court, we do not have to be victums to their abuse and either does our children. You have to stand strong and tall and not give in. "Say it with me ...HE IS GONNA GONNA RULE MY HOUSE NO MORE" and just walk away, your kids are better off without him. The courts will see your side if he decides to take you to court. BUT he wouldn't and if he does , you will win. Trust me !!

SUSAN - posted on 03/19/2010

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Put your foot down. My ex husband tries that kind of stuff with me. My ex doesn't call to talk to our son when he doesn't have him and he would call that friday that he was suppose to get him and be like "Ill be there at 1" and expect me to drop everything. Well I finally told him he has to call no later than the thurs prior and tell me what time he is getting him and if he doesn't he doesn't get him... I have made sure on several occasions we wern't home cuz he didn't call! Put your foot down and tell him you need notice and don't be available for him to drop the kids off whenever he feels like it.. He's set with a certain time he can have the children for that time! .You might have to come across as a b**** to protect you and your children.... No you are not being picky at all!! Worse come to worse go back to court and set strick guidelines you both need to follow when it comes to visitation.. My ex isn't allowed to pick him up or drop him off 30 min prior to the time discussed unless agreed and same goes for being late he is allowed to be 30 min late to pick up and drop off if he is more than 30 min I have the right to deny that visitation . This was the only way I knew to protect my son.. I do not want him let down by him more. Do what you gotta do girl! You'll figure it out! Good luck!!!

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Sylvia - posted on 11/30/2013

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My ex has every 2nd weekend and he wants her Saturday to Sunday I have to remind him every time what do I do ???

Kristin - posted on 11/24/2013

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My ex husband sees our girls for 4 hours on Sunday and Thursdays. He lives with his Mother and she is the main person that cares for the girls. My children always tell me that Daddy doesn't spend any time with them. Here is my advice. My outlaw (Ex mother in law) will often bring the girls back early, 30 min to an hour early. I am going to request from her and my ex to write me a note to why they are bringing the girls home so soon. Our story has a twist since his mother has to supervise my ex. LONG STORY. If she will not do this I am going to see if my Lawyer will write up something. Good luck!

Maria - posted on 08/03/2013

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My ex is giving me the same problem. This is now going on 3 weeks he has not seen his kids. It's always something with him and I've just about had enough. My kids complain he's got no food to eat and nothing to do. I have sent food with them on numerous occasions so I knew they'd have something to eat. I think I know what my next move is.

Sheri - posted on 01/09/2013

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In most states 16 months without contact is considered abandonment...why don't you terminate his rights? He is only going to be a continued source of hurt for your children. If the money isn't enough to help and not steady it might be worth the sacrifice of doing without the small amout to be done with the stress and anxiety he causes all of you. I opted to finally cut my ex out completely and now that my daughter is 17 she said it was the right choice. She is glad she didn't grow up having to spend her whole life waiting. Eventually I just stopped mentioning him in front of her and she just stopped asking about him. She knew she had me.

Heidi - posted on 01/07/2013

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Currenlty he hasn't seen his kids in over 16 months. He hasn't had any contact with them at all. I actually go to court next week for child support. It will more than likely be lowered because he is only making 8 dollars an hour and working less than 40 hours a week. I have a Masters degree and work full time and still don't make enough to support myself and my three kids. I have to have a part time job to make ends meet. If my child support goes even lower I will have to probably find something on the weekends. I finally decided I would get more "help" from goverment assistance and more support from him if I didn't work. I don't know how a court can justify 256.00 a month for three kids and thats what it is before it can be potentialy lowered next week. Ugh!!!

Tiffany - posted on 01/07/2013

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Bottom line is you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do. I know this may sound harsh but it's true. Like some of the other moms have said, document everything. In this situation, you cannot allow pride to get in the way. You may have to bite the bullet here and be the bigger person. Yes, your kids will be the ones to suffer. This dad will suffer one day, maybe not right now but he will suffer. Courts expect us Moms an Dads to act like adults and do what's best for the kids. Some of us, some cannot. If you take him to court, yes they can possibly order to him to see his kids. Will he do it? Maybe, maybe not. Point I am trying to make, you can't make him, the court may not be able to make him. I guess I am saying to look beyond all that. All the time parents spend fighting and in the courts leaves the kids with unnecessary suffering. Can you talk to the dad, to see what the problem is? Let the kids call and leave their messages because one day, they will draw their own opinion of their dad and you don't want that to be influenced by you.

Judy - posted on 03/20/2010

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Wow... 16 hours is too much for this man???? We have the kids every weekend but one, and enjoy every minute of it, except for when they have to go back to their mothers' house. The kids complain and get b**tchy... They are delivered by their mother at 6pm Friday promptly if not earlier. She has waited in the drive with the kids sometimes until we arrive home from work, which is between 5 and 6 depending on traffic. We have them and love and take care of them and try to make them feel loved and respected all the time they are with us. She would rather we have them more, so that she can be with her new family that she started before the last ended.

I understand your pain. Set rules. Tell the kids about these rules. Tell them about the court decree. Tell them what the rules are, and if dad is to lazy or interested in other things, then so be it. Tell them he still loves them, but he is seeking out some guidance himself, and has to find out how to love himself properly before he can properly love them. Tell them again that he loves them. Believe me, I have used this on the kids, and they love it... I have also advised them on how to get hugs and kisses from the heartless woman. She would rather have $$$$ and bling from the new hubby than hugs and kisses from her kids.... so very very sad.
Encourage the kids to call and leave messages daily if they want to. Encourage them to call and call and call. Let them have contact with their dad. They will learn whether he is a real dad or a sperm donor within the next few years....We usually see the kids during "Moms" weekend at least one day during the weekend... she complains that she NEVER gets a break from the kids....she even had the balls to ask us through the kids to take her kid from second marriage so she could get a break...LOL... over my dead body! That poor sweet kid is the reason the marriage broke up and never recovered...

Bobbie - posted on 03/12/2010

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My ex fought me for custody, not because he wanted the kids with him but to hurt me. My son was a teen and choose to stay with his father. The girls went with me. It was hard to let my son go but I had him every other weekend. He even kept them all after one of his weekends with them, because he was mad at me for going out with friends. It was about a month before we got back in court and he was told he could not keep them from me. The hardest month of my life. After this incident my children started seeing thier father for who is really was. I never talked bad about him when they were around because I saw how they were affected by the things he would say about me when they were there. I was also given the advice to document everything. I wrote in my notebook everyday. What the kids did, where they went, anything that happened even if it had nothing to do with him. When he took me back to court again I was prepared and it all backfired on him. He was moving to Florida 7 hrs away and had talked my 9 yr old in to wanting to go with him. What child wouldn't think it would be nice to live on the beach? My other kids were already teens and have jobs and told him they would just visit him. I had my notebook showing that when he got my youngest on his weekend that she stay at his moms the entire time, not with him because he had a new girlfriend and her child had the extra bedroom at his house. I had the 7 different girls he was with and the 5 different times he had moved within a 2 year period. The judge told him that if he wanted to have time with his children that he needed to move back to GA near them. I agreed to give him 4 weeks of visitation in the summer. He got her last summer and kept her for 1 1/2 weeks and called me to meet him half way to get her because he had noone to watch her. He rarely calls her and she has finally stopped stressing over it and makes plans with her friends and does what she wants. He came up and stayed with his mom and dad in Nov and just left to go back to FL this week and he only saw her 3 times while he was here. She initiated those visits. My 22 and 19 yr olds have figured out that his girlfriends are whats important to him. Not his family. It was a long 7 years watching them hurt by him but in the end I knew that I was taking good care of them and they know that I will always be here for them. Stand strong and always put your babies first and you cant go wrong.

Casey - posted on 03/12/2010

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I feel your pain on that one I really do. My ex is very similar. He never ever calls them and when they do go there they spend majority of the time with his girlfriend and not him. Fortunately for me they really dont want to go there but I do worry about what their emotions will be like in the future. My oldest does idol his dad and actually he went to live with him. However my ex could care less or so it seems about the other two. He refuses to have medical insurance and now wont pay for co-pays. I dont believe the courts can "make" him spend time with the kids. At least that was what my attorney told me. So what I do now is just go on with my life and if he cant commit to a weekend than he loses his chance for that weekend and will have to wait until the next time. Its not easy and I do sympathize with you. Just love your kids and be there for them as mom and dad. When they are young adults they will know who was there for them and who wasnt and in the end he will be the one who suffers. Hang in there!

Tracy - posted on 03/10/2010

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I go through the same thing with my ex. He sees them maybe 2 hours a month and they always have to go to him. My oldest is 19 and he wants him to drive his little brother and sister, along with his family he has made out to his home, which by the way is 15 miles away from ours. He does nothing for them. He has gone as far to tell his daughter that he does not believe that she is his. All of this breaks my heart. But I put it our divorce that it was up to the kids if they wanted to go see him. That way they were not forced to go see him or get disappointed when he didn't show up or didn't talk to them for months on end. I would keep the kids on a schedule that is good for them and if dad fits in great if not it is his loss. But that is just what I have done to protect my kids from the heart break that is their father. But as someone else said document everything so you have it all in writing what he does and does not. Good luck.
Tracy

Nicole - posted on 03/09/2010

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Get the courts involved! That is why family court is there, to protect your children. In the meantime...Document everything and follow your current court orders to the letter. Don't give him anything above and beyond. Be the b**ch your kids need you to be for their emotional and physical well being.

Kendra - posted on 03/03/2010

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If you have a peace officer in your town call them ask them to meet you where you are supposed to exchange the children they will document everything and even go to court with you to be a witness. I had a friend that did that. Why do you have to sit and wait 3 hours for him? He only has a 15 minute window to be late that's it. When I finally put my foot down with my ex he started showing up on time and everything.

Amy - posted on 02/22/2010

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I am with Michele document everything. It takes time but it will only help you if you decided to get visitation changed. Not sure how old your kids are but they probably already know that dad isnt to trust worthy. Are they old enought to make deicded if they want to go with dad. I know what you mean, my ex went 8 months without talking to his kids. I know it hurt them when they would try to call him and he would never return their calls. Not sure how old your children are, mine are 17,15, & 10. Even my 10 year gets that some of her fathers actions are just wrong. Again document things and if your kids are old enough ask them how they feel when dad stands them up. But sure they can express their feelings and maybe ask them what they want to happen. Again all depends on age of children.

Michele - posted on 02/18/2010

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Best advice I could give you is document everything, and I mean everything. I know it sounds like a lot of extra work but in the end it will protect you. How old are your kids? If their school age I wouldn't prevent them from making plans with their friends, let dad know they have something they want to do and offer him another day. The kids don't have to know that he might be getting them at another time, if they don't know they won't be disappointed or worrying if he will show or not. I wouldn't let him control your life, if he comes he comes, if not have your plans and take off and have fun with your kids. As for bringing them home early, make it a point to have some "me" time, don't be home and don't be available. He will just have to man up and be a father, anything other will be more documentation for you. Explain to your kids this is just how dad is, yes he's their father, but that doesn't mean he's good at it. My son's father is somewhat like this, we moved about 8 hours away from him almost a year ago. I got my son (9yrs) a cell phone and laptop so he could stay in contact with his dad and his dad's family after we moved. His father has called about once a month since we've moved and the calls have averaged around 3 minutes each. It disqusts me to say the least, and hurts my son's feelings often. But my son sees his dad now for how and who he is, yes it gets him down but he no longer takes it personal and he no longer expects to hear from his dad. Live your life, hope that dad will be a part of their life but be prepared to go on with your day with your kids when he doesn't and document it all so if he ever tries to say you attempt to keep the kids from him you have documentation of all the missed visits and his complete absence from their life. It's a crappy situation when we want something great for our kids and another parent tries to take that away. Good luck and I hope something I said helps.

Nicole - posted on 02/13/2010

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Time to put your foot down. If you have a court order, violate him. It may piss him off but than again again it may not. but you need to know one way or the other what to do with the kids. to not plan to do anything with them cause he is supposed to take them is not fair to you or the kids. my exhusband wouldnt let me move more than 30 miles from him so i left my daughter with my mom so i could better my life. for 3 years he lived a blick away and never went to see her. I finally decided i was moving out of state and the judge told me to go. He released the order and I have been blessed to have my daughter back. I lost so much time with her because of him and he did't make any attempt to see her. Show him that you are not playing his game. Just make plans to keep the kids busy and they will be ok. They will see him for what he is worth. It does get easier. I promise. keep your head high and just be the best mom you can be for your children. good Luck.

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