When should I just give up on the idea of co-parenting?

LaDonna - posted on 05/28/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I have been having problems w/ my kids' Dad for a long time now. It seems that when he's "in a relationship" he wants nothing to do w/ me or the kids. He rarely calls, but maybe on their birthdays, never sends anything at Christmas time. I don't have a child support order, I forget why that is but I'm seriously thinking about going to the D.A. about it. My children are 16, 13 and 11. Growing up w/o both of my parents was devistating and so I try to involve my ex in things like milestones and school and stuff, but it seems everytime I try to do that he accuses me of trying to get him back..Even though I'm the one that divorced him...TWICE. It's just weird and I'm wondering when should I just give it up?

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Chris - posted on 08/12/2012

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Coming from the place of your own childhood-without parents may be pulling you in ways that may not be needed for your children because they have a mother. Do you invite him or do you invite him and his girlfriend?

Chrisdee - posted on 07/24/2012

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You should definitely pursue a child support order. Your children deserve the financial support of BOTH parents. I agree that legal intervention should not be necessary as consistent financial support is the obligation of any responsible parent, but it is necessary when a parent fails to voluntarily honor this obligation to their children.

I too understand the devastation of growing up without the support of both parents. My parents were divorced when I was 15 years old. As mothers we often try to compensate or at least prevent our children from having similar painful experiences. I applaud you for your efforts!

At this point, I agree that your children should be allowed to engage their father to request his inclusion and support directly. Hopefully, he will recognize how important his support is to them and respond accordingly.

Tracy - posted on 07/15/2012

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It gets old quick and it causes stress which causes diseases. The kids suffer the most. Parents need to work together and quit sweating the small shit. Walk away after putting years and years into it, its not worth it.

Quatia - posted on 06/14/2010

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Before you invite him to anything, ask your children. Its better for them to hear the "no" than for you to say it and they believe you're the problem. Its tough, mine are young and thats what I had to do. So instead of telling me, he was telling them. I think its important to make sure your children have a desire to actually want him there, so if they dont ask you to invite their father, than dont bother. You could dredging up inside hurts they arent ready to address yet. If youdo feel its a milestone he should be at, ask them first if they want him there and for them to call and invite him. That completely eliminates you out the picture. Hope this helps. ...

Heather - posted on 06/12/2010

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I would let the kids request his presence at activities they are involved in
I would file the support paperwork as well - you did not make the children by yourself - there is no reason you should have to provide for them by yourself
The deal of "YOU WANT ME BACK!!" is an ego boost for him - do not bother with it - you know the real deal - like you said - you divorced him TWICE!!! You know you do not want him back - do not pay attention to his grasp at an boosting his own ego

Amy - posted on 06/11/2010

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I have been going through the same thing for 2 years when my ex left me and my three children now 17,15, 10. He didnt call his kids for almost 9 months It is a little different in my case as he now lives in FL and we are in IL. Since Christmas he has made an effort to call them but he ignored them for 1 1/2 yrs. over that time the kids tried calling him but he would never answer his phone or return their calls. So now they dont attempt to often to call him very often they let him call them when it is convenient for him. But they have learned not to sit around and wait for his call. The two older ones have cell phones and I have told all of them they can call their father anytime. I even have his number programed in phone so my daughter can call him if and when she wants to. Your ex should be paying child support. Luckily mine is in the military so getting child support wasnt not a problem. I tried to include him in what was going on with the kids but when he didnt call his kids for long period of time I gave up and when really topped the cake when he didnt call once to check up on his son when he broke his arm. But like someone said the kids are old enough if they want to included him let them do it and Fight for Child Support raising 3 teenagers is not cheap. I know. Good Luck. Amy

Lisa - posted on 06/08/2010

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I agree with what has been said in the previous posts. Definitely go for the Child Support Order you need that to take care of the kids. And as far as events go the kids are old enough to invite him.
I have 2 boys around the same age as your kids (15,16) and if they want him invited to an event they call him. Unfortunately he has damaged is relationship so much with them that they don't call him often but they know they have the option.

Alicia - posted on 06/03/2010

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See my ex is the opposite when he is in a relationship he wants to be involved with our kids when he is single he wants nothing to do with them but I still can't depend on him to help with sports or school activities. My ex is remarried & tells his wife that I want him back that is why I call when the real reason is about the kids. I gave up on trying to co parent cause my kids see thier dad for who he is & if they want him to come to something they invite him. I quit worry about what he thinks & says about me cause he is my ex for a reason LOL Good Luck

Jeannie - posted on 06/01/2010

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I have to agree with both ladies here. A child support order is best, this way, it's stated clearly what is expected of him. Also, you can get what you DESERVE, if your not already getting it, financially to support the children. I too grew up with divorced parents and a father who was in and out most of my life. After letting the kids do the contacting, and he decides he still doesn't want to be involved, then you have met your obligation to keep him informed. Here is the sad thing, those children are growing up KNOWING that dad doesn't care enough to stay involved. Seeing you try all this time to include him helps your case with your children and only throws thier hostility at him. As long as you have made attempts to include him or get him involved the children will understand who has dropped the ball. They are getting to the age too that they will start pointing fingers if they haven't already. It won't be at you and he will have to deal with that. It will soon be too late, and he will have to answer to his children at some point and wonder why they feel the way they do. I say let them start doing the contacting and know you have done all you can and probably taken more than your share of trouble from him in doing so. Give yourself a little break! Talk to the kids and let them know what you plan to do, just keep them informed is the key, but I am sure you already do that.

Cindy - posted on 05/28/2010

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Don't bother with him. It is he who has to seek out his kids. Put him on child support and be 100 percent honest on what he has or has not done financially.

He can think what he wants but this is the law. You make 'em, you support 'em...end of story.

Chrissy - posted on 05/28/2010

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Your children are old enough to invite him to things. Let them be the ones to call and talk to him. You shouldn't need to initate anything. If he wants to be in their life, he will do so. I would go after him for child support, and if he hasnt given you money to help with your children, go for back CS. The only reason that you should contact him is when there is an emergency with one of the children. Now, if your children were younger, and asking for dad, then I can see about contacting him, but with them being over 10, let them call him. Good luck!

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