Why do the kids suffer?

[deleted account] ( 3 moms have responded )

I have 2 children with my ex-husband.My ex only sees them when he feels he needs to. My son is 11 yrs old and he has ADHD, at times he is fine but it seems like as soon as he comes home from a visit with his father he starts having problems, he even wet the bed the other night. I don't know what to do. I know what I'd like to do, I'd like to stop their father from seeing them all together but I don't want my kids to hate me for it later. But I also can't have my son going through all of this drama. I have ask my son if something is happening when he's at his dads and he says no but he doesn't like his dads girlfriend who also happens to be pregnant by him. My daughter really doesn't have anything to do with her dad, Is that ok? What can I do to help my son get through all of this so that he doesn't feel soo bad?

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Connie - posted on 01/03/2009

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My cousin's kids are 12 and 13, they won't have anything to do with their dad either. I think that's ok. The dad is turning his life around, but that's just the price he has to pay for being such a horrible person MOST of their lives. I would be concerned about my son too if I were in your shoes. I suggest to go to family law and counselling. Get a mediator.

Bonnie - posted on 12/17/2008

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I wish I had some grand advice for you! I am sorry for what your son is going through. My X told me once he has access but it is his choice if he want's to utilize it he doesn't have to! The thing that changed him was that a close freind of his who had three little ones died of cancer and he realized that anything could happen and he finally started stepping up. To bad they cant figure this stuff out without things like this happening. I think carolina has some great advice for you though!

Carolina - posted on 12/16/2008

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The kids are always the ones that suffer because they didnt choose the situation they are in and oftenly feel they dont have any power over it. I have a similar situation, an ex that just see the kids when he needs to, and that didnt knew them realy. At first I will even make excuses because he couldnt come but little by little star giving that responsability to him (I just did it because I didnt want my kids to suffer) so when he was late or not able and the kids will start asking me I will tell them to call him directly and ask him. Works for me to remaind my kids all the time that I love them with all my heart and that they count on me for everything (realy mean it) but that I can asure them of anybody else, that way they feel secure because they can count on mom and you are not directly saying that probably dad wont be someone to count on; its hard to say I know but a kid is always getting frustrated when they cant count with dad is a little less painful if they are aware that could happen. Also something that could help is asking them if they want to go and dont obligate them, maybe they dont feel confortable at their dad's house and also telling them they have a saying over the situation, tell them to say what they want and how they feel with respect to both mom and dad. Every kids needs as much balace as posible and most of the times in a divorce couple we moms are the only source of it, try your best and give them lost of love, good luck.

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