Why is there NO help for the dads that are NOT dead-beats?

Kimberly - posted on 09/08/2009 ( 28 moms have responded )

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So here's the 2 second version {or as close to that as I can}... Hubby has two boys (11 & 9) from previous marriage. Has fought a few times with ex about visitation and child support, did mediation and it helped a little and things got a little better. Now hubby is off work (darn economey) and would like to have children come more often since he is home vs. them going to grandma/pa's house after school.

Ex is fighting him saying no and that her lawyer told her that while she is at work her parents have legal guardianship of them...

We know that won't hold up in court but we can't afford a lawyer and all the fees that go along with it. When will they start helping those dad's that are doing right by wanting to see their children more often???

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Jodi - posted on 09/17/2009

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Oh and one more thing ... There are many law offices that take on cases at discounts or may even wave some of their fees based on an affidavit of financial information from you. All you have to do is ask around. It's time consuming but you will find someone, (I did). I have also in the past just hired an attorney for a specific part of a matter to file or just get instructions on the best way to go about your handling a particular part of your case, make sure they give you the statute number because you can research it yourself. Give the atty / law office strict instructions not to contact the other attorney or spouse in the battle without your permission. I also look over the billings from the attorney as to not be overcharged or charged for something you didn't approve.

Katie - posted on 09/15/2009

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I know! It's truly sickening and disheartening! I just know that I am so thankful that I have a fantastic relationship with my ex husband and his wife (my wife in law). I don't think that I could deal with this on both sides of me.

Something definitely needs to be done about dads who are treated poorly. They constantly hound men about being involved in the child's life, but when they are then refused that opportunity, nothing is done to the mother. I firmly believe that if they are going to punish fathers for being "dead beats" (the ones that truly are) , then they should equally punish mothers for refusing to let the dad be a dad.

Ok.. sorry I will step down from my soap box now and stop ranting... (sigh)

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Rachel - posted on 09/27/2011

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I know how you feel. My husband and I are going to court on Monday October 3rd finally for split custody of his son because his ex has never allowed him to see his son on a regular basis since he was born (he is now 19 months old) we couldnt afford a lawyer so we have a case advocate draw up paperwork for us and are going to court alone and representing ourselves. Its a really scary thing but i really hope it works out. He wants his son in his life and i want to finally know my stepson. Its horrible how one sided the law is. Dads have no rights. He gets told all the time how he is a bad dad because he hasnt been there for his son, but she wont allow him to be. She didnt even let my husband see his son until he was 6 months old. I wish men had more rights.

Jessica - posted on 04/10/2010

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my husband knows exactly how you feel.ha does not even get to keep his kids overnight.and he is an awesome dad,we have a two year old,and she adores her daddy.its almost like he can not be a good father because she wont let him!

Candice - posted on 02/09/2010

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I know how it is I have been with my husband for five years. Since his kids were 4 and 5. His ex wife has been taking him babk to court since 2005. Their kids have been calling me mommy, of their own free will since we have been together. She has called CPS on us so many times the case workers know me by name. And they always close the case. My husband has not seen his son since July and has seen his daughter once since July. She has their son so brainwashed that he thinks that I broke his foot. He even told CPS that I did that. When he was asked how I broke his (which was never broken in his life) he could not give an answer. When asked why he thinks that I broke his foot he says that Mommy Hillary told him that I did. She has taken my husband back to court because he did not pay 4 months of child support When he got laid off. She wants his money but does not want him to see his kids. The sad part is his son says he does not want to come but says he does not know why he does not want to come. Now his daughter does want to come and her mother still will not let her. His ex does not like the fact that she has to meet half way once a month. She wants him to be as unhappy as she is. He has started another family with me but has not left his two others babies out of our family. She tells me that he has a new family and that he should give her their kids. Just dont give up it is hard keep praying and one day the mothers will have to answer for what they have done to their kids. Just keep praying give this over to God he is the one who will listen.

Rene - posted on 01/23/2010

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It is sad that the laws to protect people from their abusive ex's. Get used to keep good father's away from their children. If only all fathers cared. The crime you speak of happens to all in my case the dad is the offender while I let the kids go over I cry at night with the stories they come home with and my hands are tied until I can prove harm. however a woman I know of keeps her kids from their father because well none of her reasons make sense to anyone but herself. She plays games and the kids are hurt. I just wish parents no matter what sex wake up and think of their kids not themselves. Good Luck

Heather - posted on 01/22/2010

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Leslie, I think you hit it on the head "but i blame the parent who doesn't put their child first more". In COMPLETE agreeance.

Leslie - posted on 01/22/2010

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I agree Heather, the courts want to claim they are giving father's more rights, but they are not. I feel so sorry for my husbands children. They cried to stay with us the other night and she told them that the "rule" says that she has to be the one to take them to school in the morning. I really don't know how women who do this sleep at night. i do blame the legal system, but i blame the parent who doesn't put their child first more, whether it be the mother or the father. If my husband's ex would have agreed to allow him to see the children more, the courts would not have been an issue.

Heather - posted on 01/22/2010

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Only 3.9% of fathers in the U.S. have primary custody. Until the legal system and society change their viewpoint of the family structure (i.e. "a child needs it's mother" and "a mother knows best") then fathers will always have to fight for their parental rights. My fiance had to fight tooth and nail to get 74% custody- and he lives in fear every day that it'll be modified or taken away altogether when even the court appointed psychiatrist recommended he get 100% custody. It is just a sad truth that the courts side with the mother. Even at only 26% custody, his ex is still not required to pay any child support. That's right ladies and gentlemen, she does absoutely nothing to support her own child, she severely lacks any parenting skills, and visitation is rife with major issues. But she plays that "mommy" card every opportunity she gets. Tell me what father would get away with that? The end story is that there are just dead beat parents out there- regardless of their gender.

Leslie - posted on 01/11/2010

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I know how you feel. My husband is a wonderful father who desperately wants to be involved in his children's lives. He fought for a year to receive 50/50 custody but ultimately she won b/c she didn't work and the court deemed her better suited to care for the children on a regular basis(which i think is BS). She get's a large amount of child support which she even admitted was her only motivation for seeking full custody. We also have the problem of the children being with her parents when my husband is off work or can be with them. She refuses to let him see the kids other than court ordered time. In reference the above law about punishing parents who work with losing custodial time, it happened to my husband. In WV we have family court judges and they can do just about anything they want. He was seeing his children 3 days a week during the seperation, then on their first court hearing, the judge took that away and my husband only got to see them every other weekend, and the reason the stated in his decision was that he worked night shift and couldn't care for the children, even though he lived with his mother during the seperation! I think it's disgusting that women attach dollar amounts to their children. I have two children of my own, i don't recieve child support, i don't want it. What i do want is involved fathers...it's a shame our society doesn't want the same.

[deleted account]

He has no controll over what the children do during her custodial time. Even with an attorney you have no chance to change this unless she agrees.



Per law a working parent cannot be punshed by losing custodial time jst becaue he / she is working.



check this out: http://www.childcustodycoach.com

Copa - posted on 11/08/2009

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yes there is all you need to know is that we single and not single mothers thank man like you god bless

Amber - posted on 10/22/2009

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my husbands ex wife has two kids and he wants them more his ex lives with her mom and dad with the kids he pays his child support he has been fighting for three years we have had to GAL (gaurdian ad litem) all we want is equal time and she wont budge i know how you feel trust me. my husband and i have a child of our own and even she is being effected by this whole mess. maybe try to get a gal but they cost a lot we have had two our last one got fired and the first one did nothing for either of them but the last one we had was going to give my husband full custody of the kids she was fired for giving too much information to people that needed it ya know those people who make decisions for your kids just hold in there one day it has to end we can hope right

Terri - posted on 10/14/2009

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Does the grandparents have legal guardianship through the courts? If not, then he should be able to have them. Why wouldn't the ex want him to spend more time with them...I'm sure the kids would love that!!!!!! Maybe the ex should get the corn cob out of her A$$ and do what's best for the kids!

Pamela - posted on 10/14/2009

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It is so tough when this happens as we have been going through a custody battle with my Husbands ex family....yes family (she has been deemed unfit in the courts eyes and TPR'd on her other 2 but, because my husband is still doing "good" they will not make her TPR on his son.) We are now fighting a battle with his EX Mother-in-law for his son. They have drug him through the mud and it's still flinging every time the court favors him. After 12 months they are supposed to (Florida) have the case closed and here we are 20 months into it and they still have him jumping through hoops! It's almost as they give the "Deadbeat Dads" more rights than the ones who actually FIGHT for their children and want to see them in the best enviornment possible. I have 2 kids of my own and even though I do not agree with their Dad on most occasions (which is why we are not together) we agree on what is the best for our kids. And that is to do what will make them happy NOT US! If you are not going to put your kids first or think about how things will affect them than why go through the trouble of having them they did not ask to be brought in this world the Mother made the conscience decision to have them. If they were not going to do what was right for them than they should have done than one better and given them to someone who will/would atleast try.

Mandy - posted on 09/21/2009

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I will have to say that is pretty sad of the kids Mom. I am seperated, and my kids see thier Dad every Wed. evening, and spend every Friday over night and all day Sat. with thier Dad. We both have done everything we can to keep the kids happy, and I he was off work, I would be more than willing to let him have the kids more. Why wouldn't you want your kids to be with thier Dad? I just don't get that.



I thankfully do get along with my ex and his girlfriend........so things run smoothly. I can't imagine it being so hard.

LeAnn - posted on 09/18/2009

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Just tacky that a mom would do that to her own children. My boyfriends x has gone just as low to make life rough...sad to think. My kids are my world and I would do anything to see them happy-their dad plays a huge part in that. Thankfully, he appreciates the help I give. In the state of Oregon it is similar to Arizona. We can set up mediation at the courthouse for 25 or 50 dollars, she will be served paperwork-if she doesnt show he gets all requests, same for her though if he doesnt show she gets all of her requests. Address all issues at hand during the visit to prevent it from being costly. I am praying for your family as well as for her to see the light!

[deleted account]

I feel for you. My ex-husband pays his child support pretty much on time each month. He sees our son on a fairly regular basis, although he takes advantage of it some times. I feel it is important for them to have a relationship. Check with your state's legal aid department for assistance. If the visitation is court ordered, then they should be able to assist you! Also look online for pro bono lawyers to assist you. That is how I got my divorce! Look at your local law schools for assistance... i.e. graduating students for guidance. Hope this helps!

Jodi - posted on 09/17/2009

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I live in Arizona. Here the courts are very much for what is in the best interest of the children. You really don't need an attorney for this. All the dad has to do is file a post modification / amendment to the parenting plan to read - in the event either parent is able to care for the children before or after school, it is in the best interest of the children to be with the parents and etc. Legal guardians are the mom & dad not the grandparents. This may also change the child support in relation to day care. We have a self service center here through various counties in AZ. You may have one in the city you live. It's well worth looking into and can save you thousands in law fees!!! As long as you stick to the facts on all of your paper work, don't make it personal, and state your case you should be fine. Good luck :D

Katie - posted on 09/15/2009

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Oh boy.... this is such a sore spot with me...

My husband and I are going through a similar situation... He pays his child support faithfully for his 15 yr old son that he has not been allowed to talk to or visit in a year now. We can't afford an attorney to fight it since he's paying an enormous amount in child support, and the courts do nothing to help the situation except tell us to get an attorney..

I have written letters to judges, contacted legal aid, even wrote to our government officials.... all of which I had no success with. Good luck and let me know if you find someone willing to help you!

[deleted account]

Connie, all I can say is hang on to all your paperwork and believe in Karma. One day that young man will come to you and his father looking for answers. He may be angry but dont tell him any of these stories. Just hand him the paperwork, let him read it for himself and then answer his questions when he has them. That way his dad is not the bad guy for badmouthing his mother and he can draw his own conclusions from the bare facts. Remember, developmentally boys are more protective of their mothers (whether or not they are still with the child's father) from their teen years and into adulthood. Maybe when he is a father himself he will see that parenthood isn't easy in any situation. I know it's hard for his dad to live with this on a day to day basis and to wait until he comes around; but he's more likely to give his dad a hearing that way. My greatest sympathies go to your partner for the loss of his little girl.

Claudia - posted on 09/15/2009

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I understand your frustration and I am sorry. There are website for divorce fathers that may provide you with some help hopefully

Connie - posted on 09/15/2009

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Boy don't we know that feeling. We had the same thing happen. We paid support for his two children, but the visitations was a mess. Only when it on her time that he got to see his children, his daughter passed away and he wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral, cause she told the welfare that he wasn't paying support and they had a warrant for his arrest if he showed up, during that time she was in the state of ky, and was recieving support from him, at that time the court had ordered for him to pay directly to her, which we kept receipts. When the daughter passed and we were called the next morning, (we lived in another state by that time) we were told that they had a warrant for him, we had to contact a lawyer, pay the lawyer, in that state and county. had to go there the day of the funeral and had to go to jail, meet the lawyer there, and then go to the court house to show all of his receipts. by that time the funeral was over and she was buried. Since then the other child has been brainwashed in thinking that his father has never called or wanted to see him, which he has called and tried to get his visits. we have frought so long and so hard. But it has been now 9 years and the child is a young man now and still won't have anything to do with his father. So i know just what you mean. The law is only good for some mothers and they fight hard for them, but when it comes to the fathers that do the right thing, it seems that they are forgotten..blessings connie lawson

Margaret - posted on 09/10/2009

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It is not only fathers that go through this. What is the custody order? If it is shared then he has just as much rights as the mother...and the grandparents don't have any legal guardianship unless there is paperwork signed by as judge to back it up. guardianship and custody is fixed...it doesn't change because one parent places the child at one place...each parent STILL have there rights (unless taken away by judge). Call legal aide and the magistrate and inquire about your options...but make sure you comb through all previous court documents with a fine tooth comb.

[deleted account]

Kimberley, I'm not sure where you live but here in Australia there has been a push towards more equal custody arrangements called equal parenting responsibility and it gives both parents more say in how the child(ren) are raised- as part of their day to day care- and more time spent with them if there is usually one custodial parent. If you are interested there is more info on the Family Court of Australia website. You dont necessarily need legal represenation to get a change under these new laws. If you are not from Australia, I suggest you get on the internet and have a look at what happens in your area as well as overseas- you never know, you may start a legal precedent in your area.

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