losing control

Lindsay - posted on 12/06/2009

You are not a bad mom - you are the best mom for your children!

I have found that the best advice I've ever gotten has worked wonders in my house - be consistent and follow through with everything you say.

A good book you might like to read is "Parenting the Strong-Willed Child" by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long.

Shelley - posted on 12/03/2009

I'm in the same boat with you and don't have an oar!!! Everynight I calm down and think positively about the next day! Doesn't last long :-( I'm at the point that I give him extra attention and play etc. when he is good, now when he's driving me crazy I leave the room or I try to ignore him, must say it is getting a bit better!

Marinela - posted on 11/29/2009

write "triple p" in the google search and find the answer
i am just going to do the same
regards,
marinela (ivan's mom)

Marie Aurore - posted on 11/29/2009

it's normal and happens very often to me. i feel myself very sad. you must put barriers between your child and you. your husband must encourage you too. when it's time for play, you put rules and not him. In everything, he has to ask you before doing it. if he don't listen you punish him in his bedroom. he must know that you are the parent not the child. i know its very hard to punish or hear him crying, but it's the only way. goodluck

Melissa - posted on 11/27/2009

I agree with Lm read! At three is about when kids start to test how far they can push you,the best thing to do is let them know your in charge! how ever you choose too, i useually get down to my daughters level and let her know that I dont like that and if she does it again it is time out for her and if she gets time out i always set the timer and set it to where she can hear it if she gets up i add 30 sec and i tell her she is to think about how she needs to be nice or not do something ect. At first they will not stay on the time out just keep putting them back and start the time again! If you feel like your loseing it tell him or her look play with your blocks mommy be right back go out side the situation take a deep breath count to ten what ever suites you just gather your self before returning to the child.and never never think you are a bad mom,look at it as you need a little help(and we all do from time to time)(if we didnt there wouldnt be websites like this) and dont be afraid to ask for it from family friends ect.some other good advice is get some time for yourself I know it isnt easy but it doesnt have to be extravagant,but try and set it ahead say ok at 11 you are gonna play with your toys,while mommy does what she needs to do just make sure you can peep in on them it is good for them to learn to entertain them self as long as it isnt hours or in a place you cant see or hear them, then later you could ask them what they did and tell them you were glad they had fun and how proud you are of them being so big! you could also switch off with a friend who has kids around same age one day you take the kids to the park so she can get her time alone the next she takes the kids so you can it really will help alot!

Lm - posted on 11/26/2009

Welcome to the world of living with a 3-year-old, as frustrating as it can be sometimes. My son is the same age as yours and it can be a struggle sometimes. Whatever form of discipline you have decided to go with in your homes, be it time-outs or spanking, consistency, routine and predictabillity are the most important things to keep in mind. You have to make sure everyone's on the same page around what is and is not to be tolerated and what is or is not to be done for specific behaviours. For example, with my son, when he decides to get rough with me, then it's an instant time-out with a "be nice" type of comment, no if, buts or maybe's. It took a few times initially, but he got it with consistency. Whatever form of discipline you use though, DO NOT argue with him. You are the adult and you set the boundaries. Keep your verbal response short and about the behaviour and implement the discipline. You can have the conversation and the teaching time once the punishment has been handed out. I find with my son that the praise, conversations and discipline works best if you are eye-to-eye with him, at his level, not "lording" over him.

The last thing I have to say, is that if you are about to "lose it" place him in a safe situation and give yourself a time out. What I have done when I needed to was put my son in his room, which has been child proofed, closed the door and walked away for a couple of minutes. Once I have collected myself I go in and hand out the punishment and have my conversation, making sure I mention why he was put in his room. He may not fully understand it, but what he does understand is that I love him enough to know that I couldn't be fair at that time and needed to calm down. He understands when that happens that he's pushed too far and needs to take control of himself.

Kids need boundaries and it's our job, as parents, to provide that for them. I can appreciate how difficult it is sometimes (I've been there too) but as parents, we're still human and we do get to make mistakes as well as get opportunities to correct them. Hang tight, it will get better.

C - posted on 11/26/2009

I do agree with the other's post here on the praise, when you praise your son, look him in the eye and give him a little hug along with it. My son was out of control as well not too long ago. The advice I have for you is this: when your son begins to get agitatied and looks like he is going to throw a temper tandrum, get down on your knees at his level and give him a choice, sitting in time-out vs. whatever it is that you want him to do. As they get older giving them choices really gives them a small sense of self control. Now, if he is misbehaving, you give him a warning that he will have to sit in time out if he continues the behavior. If he does not comply with the warning, place him in time out, if he gets out of time out just keep putting him back in time out WITH OUT speaking to him, he will get the idea, the first few times you do this it can take up to two hours of chasing the child down and putting them in time out, over and over and over, in the end your child will get the idea and if it helps their behavior in the end it is WORTH IT. This is the technique I used with my son over the past 6 weeks and he has improved dramatically!! If your child is hitting others that is an IMEDIATE time out; NO discussions, choices or warnings. After time out they should go to the person they hit and SAY THEY ARE SORRY.

I also want to say that I disagree with Tracy's suggestion that you smack your child, this does not work and they then think it is ok for them to smack others especially in this age group.

Karimi - posted on 11/26/2009

my son is of the same age and controling him is hell. all the same have tryed my best to stop fighting him and there is a great change becoz what i realised i was too much 2 him at that age. he now understands and is taking control. just assume all that he does and take good time with him in communication and his time for playing atleast be involved.

Stina - posted on 11/25/2009

I know you love your kids. So stand your ground. You know they need to learn to behave- it is your job to be firm and not give in. Take a cue from Dad- maybe ask him how he manages to do Timeout sucessfully. sometimes my DD is in timeout several times a day. Other days, we have no issues. (she's in timeout right now for being mean to my cat.)

since you've been lax it will be hard at first- After a warning, explain why he is going into timeout and keep putting him back in time out till he stays for a full 3 minutes (one minute per year) Don't say a word after you initially put him there. Just calmly put him back till and reset the timer till he stays put. When his time is up, talk to him about why you put him there and ask for an apology. If he doesn't apologize, he needs to stay in time out longer. I have only had to put my dd back repeatedly a few times. We went through it when she was about 2 and from there on, she knew how to do timeout.

Other times, it may be more appropriate to take away a toy that he may be playing with destructively, or if he is having a tantrum, it's good to send/take him to his room so that he no longer has an audience.

Above all, find it in you to be a firm Mom now. 3 year olds love to toe the line and see just how far they can push you and just how much they can get away with. Think of it this way: if you don't learn how to discipline him now while he is little, he is going to grow very quickly into a very unruly adolescent and it will be even harder then for you to gain control over him.

Praising good behavior is fantastic. My dd loves stickers and charts for stickers. However, for the bad behavior, put your foot down and let him know that you are boss.

Jill - posted on 11/25/2009

I am in the same boat. My 3 year old boy use to have just a bad day every now and then but the last week has been so frustrating. He has been a monster. He screems, pitches tantrums, won't listen, and so on. I haven't even wanted to take him out of the house. I have praised him and everything for good things but still doesn't help. I get so frustrated that I cry. I pray to god that he will give me a good day. Today has been ok thus far. My patience has been well tested and I have failed I think at times. I know that sometimes I feel like a bad parent just because I feel like thats all we have done all day is fight. I am so thankful for everything in my life and I just keeping on saying to myself "it's going to get better"

Sarah - posted on 11/23/2009

I am the same way with my 3 1/2 yr old! Everyone tells me that I give in too easy, or I dont put my foot down enough. And I was starting to feel like he would listen to anyone other than me! I've been home with him more lately and I've noticed that if I praise him for doing good things, he does more good things...and less bad. It's all about getting attention one way or another and once he realized that being praised was better than be scolded, he turned things around alot! Just have patience...I'm sure your doing a great job! Good luck!

Tracy - posted on 11/22/2009

You need to praise him when he's doing something good.

When he does something wrong, don't say anything, just smack him, tell him that you love him but you don't like how he is behaving.

Do this every time for good or bad behaviour and he'll eventually want the praise instead of the discipline.

Don't be verbal though as that can damage a child and we don't want to do that.

If you feel like you're losing it, put him in his room and you go to your room for a while till you calm down. You can't discipline properly when you've lost it.