Violent 5-year-old daughter

Rebecca - posted on 11/06/2011

Thanks Tiffany and Dee - I do sometimes go to time out myself but it's scary cos she might then smash something else e.g. she broke a little plastic chair by smacking it on the floor. We also have tried putting her outside (weather permitting) or in the bathroom (always saying that its because no one wants to be around someone behaving like that and she must calm down before she can spend time with us) - and she does calm down eventually, but I guess I am wondering how to stop it ever getting to this point.

I like the idea of taking away thrown things (except the skateboard she threw is her sister's so I couldn't throw it in the bin).

I do always talk it thru with her afterwards when she's calmed down and she is clearly distressed by her own lack of control, but it doesn't seem to change how she behaves next time...

tho, maybe it just takes time. last night she was angry about something small and instead of letting rip just refused to say goodnight and went to her own bedroom and went to sleep.

i come from an abusive background myself and i feel abused in the situation, and feel frightened that my 5 year old can be so vicious - it brings back lots of bad memories of other out of control people...

Tiffany - posted on 11/02/2011

Spanking is definitely not the answer, so I commend you on doing right by your daughter and teaching her violence will not work for anyone. My daughter is highly emotional and gets very angry over little things sometimes. I simply warn her if she acts this way she will not get something or she will have something taken away. And the most important part is STICK TO IT. Most parents make false threats and never follow up. I am pretty intense because she has forced me to be in the past. I have warned her that if she throws a toy at me it will be thrown in the trash. Then if she did it, I would put it in the trash. I would tell her if she doesn't stop we will not go to the park but straight to bed. If she kept it up we would go to bed at 5. She would cry a lot but she learned quick that if she didn't listen she would regret it. Now if she's super mad about things she uses words, draws pictures, or goes in another room to be by herself until she feels better. She is a great kid, just needed to be taught how to act. While I'm sure you think you've tried this (and hey, maybe you have), it's the most important thing to always follow through with your warnings. If it's not working, make the consequences harsher and remind her why she can't have/get what she wants. Good luck!

Dee - posted on 10/29/2011

well ours girl is










we have a very angry 6 yr old girl who has been that way for a long time - she is very impulsive and acts before she thinks thru things. spanking doesn't work well with her she would just be angrier. what works best is a hard consequence, like losing a favorite toy or not going to the next desired event ( if it is not long away) even if you hate to do it and they have to be clear why they are not going. also a series of lessons on violence and on calming down...what to do when angry ...take breaths, count to 25, remove yourself to your room for a time ( self time out) and learning to talk it out. our little girl goes thru spells of anger...like after she figured out her mother didnt want her.the need to know categorically that they CANNOT do that. i make her stay away from me for a long long time until she realizes that i cannot let her near me if she will hurt me. when she is ready to apologize and promise not to do it again only then can she be near me.i hope you get a couple of ideas from this. :)

Kelly - posted on 10/20/2011

Hi Rebecca,
One of my twins has tantrums from time to time. We do believe in spanking and I simply spank her and make her realize that I am the boss and she WILL NOT act this way. I don't beat her, but I make her know that I am boss and she will listen. I also make her go to her room until I calm down to go in there and deal with her. It sounds in your situation that spanking is not an option, so I would suggest having her talk with a counselor to see if they can pinpoint where her issues are coming from. If she is a school ager, maybe her Guidance Counselor at school would be a great place to start.