Zenovia - posted on 02/02/2010 ( 72 moms have responded )
Hi there. I'm surprised I am posting this but sometimes I feel so alone. My daughter is being treated for borderline ADHD as well as a social disorder and is on medication. She is ODD way off the charts and when she gets wound up either angry or even happy, she talks really fast, doesn't quit ever, will not calm down, gets in your face and won't back away even when asked or cued. She's sees a psychiatrist and a psychologist and some of their recent suggestions involve me spending more time with her. I already spend lots of time with her because of her condition and I have two other children as well. She has physically assaulted me (she's just turned 12 but has been doing this for about 6 years) involving hitting, kicking, biting, and even hitting me over the head with an ice scraper while I was driving. She verbally abuses me (calls me a fat f***in bitch, and the list goes on. All our children are responsible for chores in the house but she argues over every little thing. I seem to be the focus for all her angry and venom. She has threatened to kill me and her siblings on numerous occasions all of which her doctors know. They tell me she's just blowing smoke but considering how she has physically hurt me, I'm not so sure. Because of this, I don't enjoy being around her. I also don't share any of her interests try as I might and struggle to find a way for us to do things together. Her only goal in life is to be an actress and she has told me that she will make my life hell until I hire an agent for her and get her a part in Hollywood. As if. I mentally beat myself up because I have come to a point where, for over 7 years, I have struggled with this child and now, I just want to be away from her. Then I feel guilt ridden that as a mother, how could I feel his way about my own child. My husband points out "you are her mother, if you give up on her then what has she got." I agree but as you can see I am torn. I love her but I can't stand her drama and histrionics on a daily basis, nor will I do anything to advance an "acting" career for her. It's like living with an abusive alchoholic. The only reason I can't divorce her is because she is my child. Our household has boundaries, she loses privileges and things on a regular basis but doesn't learn from it. She threatens and hurts our other children as well (she is a middle child) Our children are raised that everything they have is a privilege not a right and therefore they need to earn television watching, computer use, ipod use. They don't have cell phones and we have hold them they won't until they are old enought to work for and afford their own. We are not an undisciplined family. We also praise her when she does well. I just can't take this anymore. Does anyone else struggle with their child's behaviours, the guilt, the mixed feelings? Am I really so horrible or is someone else out there also feeling the same way. I love her, I know it's her illness, but it just wears me down so I want to run away. Help me, tell me I am not alone......
Sorry for blathering on.... you can see how torn and confused I am