Help! A christian mom, is there life after divorce?

Allison - posted on 02/12/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hello, I am pretty new to this site and have never posted I am in definite need of support and feedback and any given would be helpful. I was married for 11 years to my ex husband we have 2 girls and twin boys. Our divorce was final July 29,2010. It still hard to say it and see it in writing. We divorced due to infedility. He met someone at work. The first time I found out I just wanted him back, he said it would be different and just wanted his family back, I tried several things thinking this was my fault. I even went to the doctor and had a full work up just to find out I was severly depressed. A little over a year later he cheated again with the same women. We divorced and the new women and her husband just finalized their divorce Jan 2011. I am in counseling now but how do I move on. Some days I feel like I can beat the sadness and just move on and other days its just so sad. Not to mention he is extremely selfish. The kids and I suffered from his selfishness during the marriage and I just didnt see it or didnt want to. I want happiness again. I see him moving on with this women without a care in the world and wonder how he does it? What was the 11 years we were together. I dont want him back I have healed enough to know that it would not be good for me or the kids either one, I just want to where I am going and how to get there!!!!!

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Michelle - posted on 12/01/2014

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You are not alone in this severe pain. Depression is a sign of anger turned inward. Most of us as Christian women use our faith to keep us going in a difficult marriage for years. Sometimes we suppress all the pain and use our scriptures to help our minds to overcome while our bodies still are affected by internalizing our emotions. There is always a time when stressors show up physically. I too am a mother of 8, married 21 years with all the children at home when my ex decided to play outside the marriage. My body had been stressed for years in the marriage....little sleep, always giving over to him and his desires for sex, rest (when I needed it too), his time was always first....I wanted him to have a happy home life. Taught my children to respect him even though he wasn't always nice to them. Many times I was the peacemaker. In 2002 he injured his back, quit his job, and began to collect unemployment. I had six children and was homeschooling at his request 3 of them, and was expecting a seventh baby as well in Nov my back too was out as usual for the end of my pregnancies. For three years he did odd jobs. He then decided to return to school and get his nursing license, his plan of attack was to become a nurse's aide then apply for nursing school. He did apply and was accepted as one of eleven men in a class of 55. Wouldn't you love those odds of young women in your face evryday as a forty year old good looking man? The day he started school I gave birth to my number 8 baby a beautiful little boy. Our marriage was not terrible at the time neither did I suspect any foul play while he was in school but I may have been nieve. For two years I did all the kid care (I usually did anyway) and he studied, went to classes, and worked the three day weekend at the nursing home. At the end of two years we fixed up the house again mostly me drywalling,painting, finishing hardwood floors,schooling now five children etc. In an attempt to finally have some income and some time with dad around again we planned to move to Hershey PA for his new job and sell the house. He was commuting two hours twice a week and exhausted when he got home and I was prepping a home for sale and holding down the fort with my oldest child being 15 and a difficult son since dad wasn't around much for two years and I had trouble reigning him in. He was trying to convinceme to allow him to commute and we would just stay behind. I felt strongly that I had been carrying the load for too long by myself and needed dad to be dad again. He commuted for eight months. We moved. Within three months the "strong" mom collapsed (I say this because people perceive you as though somehow you are some supermom when you do all I did for years)I had a nervous breakdown, my body would shake I didn't have any control over it, the body shows its stressors eventually. I was also depressed. He was into his new job and I was happy he was finally making good money. Our home didn't sell for nine months so we were double mortgaging. Another stressor. My mom and family were local but not always understanding of what I was dealing with. My husband was working a lot, I moved three teens from their friends and they were angry. I had an antagonistic family now locally instead of two hours away and within the next year began to notice hubby wasn't paying bills, was spacy, was becoming verbally abusive to me and the children. I thought it was pornography again. He struggled off and on for years and his mouth would always change ...he would swear more and be more hateful when he was involved and I would discover this. Finally in 2008 I found out why the change to a monster had occurred he was full blown into an affair. Phone call records of verizon was my first clue. I asked he denied. Affair number one happened. I thought it was over a few times. Then in what i thought was a tume of counselling and reconciliation i found out from the boyfriend of affair number two that he was saying he was at work and be playing with next one. Affair 3,4,5. He has now been with #3 for five years we are not divorced although I would like to finish it I don't have the money for a divorce master. He has reduced my support three times and now it is at the point where the house is in jeopardy. It is very difficult to find housing for five children most in teen years now. Three are out, two with dad(no rules) one in the Navy. Please take care of yourself, I try to exercise a few days a week by walking, my schedule is busy with working and home, kids,etc. My kids are doing OK. They are in school now for a few years and like it but always asking if they can come home again. I'm never there it seems. I work part-time as a Realtor and fulltime with special needs adults and children. I have a house that's messier then I like, and cannot keep up with laundry even though most kids their own. We will overcome this difficult time but not on our own. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It is humbling but there are people out there who would be blessed by you and your children and feel great about ministering to you. I purpose also to take a few mom vacations to stay away and pray for a few days. The Lord my husband has made provision for this every time. It is a faith step to go away, arrange for five people to take over my tasks for two or three days but it does help my health, mentally and physically. The almost ex lives in an apartment since 2010 and now has alcohol everywhere, allows kids to game the whole time they are there, doesn't limit what they watch on TV etc. Doesn't attend or take them to church at all. Different man altogether then in the marriage. Very selfish financially with them when asking for anything. I must keep my eyes on the Lord not on my almost ex. I must focus on the answer, Christ alone, not on the problems. I am always battling my flesh, mind, to stay in faith for what I need next. I purpose not to look to myself, others, unfaithful him, family, church, my measley in comes for my source. God is faithful. He does according to His Word. Blessings to you.

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My ex had an affair when I was preganant with our third daughter. Our marriage was on the rocks anyway - but when he told me that was the tipping point. Basically he felt we weren't getting enough action in the bedroom department (At the time I was 8 months preganant and had two older children. ) Ummm wonder why no bedroom action.....



Anyway after we'd split up, he claimed that he hadn't been to bed with this woman and it was only to get my attention (of course the woman on the side had suggested part/all of the 'get my attention', though she had children of her own). Needless to say, that relationship only lasted months. After being with her, he went on to have at least another two relationships (of which he married one and now divorced from her). I've heard along the grape vine that he's got another girl friend. So that's four women in 7 years (including the woman that he had the affair with and not including me). Says something.



As he was a lorry driver, I don't know if he had any other affairs/one night stands and if this has resulted in any half siblings. To the best of my knowledge my girls don't have any half siblings.



To top it off, he claimed that I'd had an affair with his brother and that the youngest was his brother's child and not his. Mainly because a) I was getting on better with his brother and b) his brother had been boosting that he was going with a married woman and the husband knew nothing about it. That equals me having an affair with my ex brother in law. I could stand the guy, and yes was getting on better with him, but in no way/shape/form would I ever consider having an affair /relationship with him. Lets just say I know a bit too much information about how many women he's had sex with. Since I split up with my ex, I've communicated through facebook with the ex brother in law and mentioned what his brother accused us of doing. Told him that no offence, but I have never/will be interested in having sex with him and anyway - if that did supposedly happen (which my ex still to this day claims), when did we ever get the chance to do it?



I've moved on, but it did take me time. I know that there is a Mr. Right out there for me, it's now if I will meet him, it's when.

[deleted account]

I know how your feeling. I was technically married 20 years on paper but was hit with Divorce papers 2 years earlier. I found out he had cheated on me for years and I was in the dark. It was easy for him to hide things as he was in the military and I trusted him when he said he was doing things for work. Two things that helped me find someone you can talk to or maybe even two. Get involved in something to help take your mind of things. I have 3 kids so I volunteered for different things they were involved in that way I was not sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. There are times I get upset that he has moved on with his life but I am a survivor and I have 3 kids to take care of and some day Mr. Right will come along when I least expect it. My ex's track record speaks for itself so who knows how long he will be happy. While he was off being happy he lost time with his kids and so much more and who knows if he will ever mend those fences. If you need an ear I will be glad to listen. I had two friends that had or were going through it too so that helped me. Good Luck.

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