In need of answers

Rebecca - posted on 07/31/2009 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I am not a divorced Mum. Infact I am still with my husband, although not happily. I have come on this community not to judge or be judged.



My husband & I have had a number of issues throughout our marriage. Not least of which is his ex wife & the daughter they share. There have been barriers around his daughter since early on in our relationship. We have been together for 7 years, married for nearly 4. I was raised a christian & although not practicing I am very much a believer. My husband is opposed to any form of religion. Infact he jokes about the fact that he will be going to hell, not funny in my view.



Anyway nearly 2 years ago I got pregnant with child #2. Hubby has been extremely unsuportive to the point that his behaviour meets a lot of the criteria of being emotionally abusive. He is discouraging, name calls, sarcastic, puts me down, refuses to admit to things he has said or done, refuses to apologise, infact refuses to see that anything nasty he says is his fault, turning everything around & saying it is my problem if I take offense cos my perception is obviously wrong. This has been going on for nearly 2 years. I have tried everything. Telling him, writing to him, emailing him at work, even marriage counselling (which only finished a week ago). I am at my wits end. I have friends praying, family praying. Nothing has worked. I am exhausted & emotionally I no longer trust him, he has broken my heart then stomped it into the dirt. I know that some of the marriage problems are on my shoulders as I have not stood up for myself, defended myself. I tend to just shut up & try to bury the hurt inside. My children are suffering cos I am just miserable. I can't stand my marriage & feel disgust if my husband dares to touch me.



As he so eloquently put it after a few rums recently, there are only a few things he wants in life, to play footy, rally his car & fuck his wife.



My biggest fear is that if I leave this marriage & divorce him then does that mean I automatically go to hell since I know that God hates divorce & I would be doing this knowing how bad a sin it is? Is there any redemption? Basically this is the only reason I remain here, my questions. I feel beaten. I made a vow before God & I intended to honour that, divorce was not an option when I married. I just don't know how much more I can bear.

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Patty - posted on 08/22/2009

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HI Rebecca,

It takes two people for a marriage to work. And not all marriages are savable. It was my priest that told me that.

I thought I didn't believe in divorce. I thought once you married someone it was for life. I now know my husband did not share those same beliefs. You can't force a marriage into working. If the trust is broken, then is there really a marriage left? I kept pondering that question. I kept asking myself how can I be married to someone I don't trust. The answer I came up with is - I can't. I can't be married to a man I don't trust. Marriage is based on trust. If the basis is broken than the whole structure falls.



Good luck finding the answers that you need. I encourage you to talk to your priest or minister, even if it has been a while since you practiced your faith. My priest was much more open and understanding to the whole situation than I anticipated.

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