3 Year Old, and Disciplin... Help

Jackie - posted on 01/14/2009

I really liked To Train Up a Child - www.nogreaterjoy.org - it was biblical and very practical and it was written by a couple who homeschooled their 5 children. They also have lots of advice/ ideas on their website about parenting, marriage, homeschooling and spiritual growth. Shepherding a Child's Heart was also helpful for us. Keep going! God is good and He is with you and all of us :0) on this great journey of parenting!

Carmen - posted on 01/14/2009

Hi I've always heard it better to spank and later on find out your shouldn't have, than not too all together. Raising kids is hard, but God's word does have something to say about training your children, thank God for His good book! My 3 year old is very hard headed as well. and sometime she needs a spanking, other times she needs a time out, or to be redirected, she is really busy and always thinking. usually when she is bored is when she start getting into trouble.

The good news is we are not in this alone. God is always there and he is going to guide us if we seek Him with raising our kids. God has already given us all we need to be good parents, don't let Satan robe you of that truth.  

Crystal - posted on 01/14/2009

Being a mom is hard. I think it's the hardest thing I have ever done. It is also one of the most rewarding. My oldest is turning 7 on Feb 1 and my younger one is 4 1/2 months. I have had many struggles, especially with the older one, as I was a single mom from her birth until about 2 years ago. I read a lot, so I have read many books on parenting, and overall I think I took a bit of advice from here and a bit from there. If you can make the time, there are many many disciplin/parenting books out there. My favorite was written a long time ago - Dare to Discipline by Dr. James Dobson (I think!!). It gives discipline advice based on scripture, explaining how and why each principle works. Also gives age appropriate means of discipline - remember, discipline isn't "punishment for wrongdoing" - the word means to teach. This book helped me to see how to work with my daughter, reassuring her that I love her, but her behaviour is not acceptable, and reinforce the good behaviour while attempting to eliminate the unwanted behaviour. I'm far from a perfect parent, but I believe that I'm getting better as I read more. As you read, you will know what you are willing to try and what you aren't. Good luck! and God Bless.

Jennifer - posted on 01/13/2009

Thank you so much, Susan and Katie, you both were very helpful.  i actually saw that things were getting negative, but it's so easy to forget whee things are going and just fall into it.  Thank God we can turn back to Him when we fall off the path.  Now I see where I can make a difference in my family.  And you are absolultely right, my husband & I must be in agreement.  We have talked about this before, but I think we need to refresh our conversation about us being in agreement:)

Thanks again, ladies:)

Katie - posted on 01/12/2009

We have such an awesome responsiblity as Christian moms, don't we? I echo what Susan said: don't be so hard on yourself. It is obvious that you want the very best for your son and you want to parent in a godly way. We all just pick up our parenting tools as we go. It's largely trial and error, but with God's guidance, you will figure out what works for you and what is best for your child.

Something that helps me immensely is to remember basic things about child development. After all, it is unfair to put expectations on them that they, at a certain age, are not yet prepared to carry out. For instance, my two year old is simply not capable at this age of controlling his impulses, and that is completely normal for his age. That does not mean that his behavior is acceptable when he hits a friend or he grabs something that he knows he shouldn't touch. But in these cases, I've found that keeping his actions in this context helps me deal with him more appropriately, and I can take the situation more as a teaching opportunity than as one for punishment. After all, I look at my own shortcomings and at how difficult it is for me to sometimes keep my impulses in check at times when I am angry with him. If, as an adult, I fail at this sometimes, how can I expect him to always act appropriately. God extends so much grace to me, and I think it is only right that I reflect that grace to my son. That does not mean I am permissive. It just means that I take a much more positive approach, or at least I try to.

I feel I fail so often, but in general, keeping a positive outlook helps me so much in my mothering abilities and my relationship with him. The Bible calls us to discipline our children. The word comes from the word 'disciple,' and that is how I try to view our relationship, as one of discipleship. The main tool of discipleship is not punishment, rather it is teaching, modeling, reasoning, correction, preparing.  I feel that this model is much more productive, and it just makes sense to me when I think about the fact that our children come into this world knowing absolutely nothing about how it functions, what the expectations are, etc. We have to teach them everything, and sometimes learning something takes a lot of time and repetition, but they will learn, and they can learn very well without spankings.

It takes a lot of effort and creativity to use a more positive approach instead of just resorting to punishment to try to correct a bad behavior, but I have found it so worth it. It sounds like the whole dynamic of your family right now could just use a more positive outlook. It's easy to get into a negative cycle - I've been there - and it's just frustrating and nobody feels right and good about what is going on.

I hope that you find some tools that work for you guys, and that you and your husband will be able to start feeling more like a team.

Susan - posted on 01/12/2009

Don't be so hard on yourself.  First, it is very difficult if you and your husband do not actually agree on the method and routine that you will use in raising your child.  You talk it out and get a plan. this takes BOTH parents all the way through to the end.  I was also the one that had to deal with all the issues in our house, mostly due to my husbands job which kept him away for weeks at a time.  I also had four children with diffrent health and learning issues.  You keep going.  You will always have more strength than you could ever imagine, because I believe God gives us what we need when we need it.  Oh I could tell you stories

I took a little advise from alot of sources and made it my own, also you are the one that has to live with your choices and God did give you this child to raise for a reason. There are no two children alike and none of my efforts worked for all my children in the same way so if it doesn't work keep trying for long enough so that you know it doesn't work and then just move to the next idea.

Time outs worked great for a couple of my children, but these girls would do anything to please you and got upset when they disobeyed even if it was unintentional.  They were very compliant and eager to please.  Then there are the strong willed and the thinkers

I always tried to reinforse the positive rather than discipline the negative. I would almost over react to the behaviour or choices that I wanted to develop and they did notice when they did not get that reaction.

The consequences were always clearly discribed along with the behaviour that it was for.  Consistency is very very important, you cannot give different results for the same behaviour which is why you both must be doing the same things.

Our most dificult child had behavioural and learning issues to deal with along with having to share our time and attention with three others that also had their own issues.  I know I was far from perfect, but he is now a father of 2 and recently shared that he was thankful that we did spank when we needed to and that he had to face the full consequences of his bad choices throughout his life. We did have to employ tough love during his teens.  Yet he survived and is a very loving father and still loves us.

God gave you this child, not your friend.  Don't be to hard on yourself.  The ride is only begun you will run out of energy if you tie yourself up over what other people say no matter how well meaning they think they are.  Everyone walks a similar walk but we all wear our own shoes.

And don't forget, discipline is only part of the job.  Pray for your son after he has gone to sleep pray over him regularily.  The best thing I ever did was to have an older lady from our church pray for me, for my children.  What ever issues we dealt with, it was her pleasure she said.  She even helped with the laundry while we prayed and my children knew.  They heard, they saw,

Susan - posted on 01/12/2009

Don't be so hard on yourself.  First, it is very difficult if you and your husband do not actually agree on the method and routine that you will use in raising your child.  You talk it out and get a plan. this takes BOTH parents all the way through to the end.  I was also the one that had to deal with all the issues in our house, mostly due to my husbands job which kept him away for weeks at a time.  I also had four children with diffrent health and learning issues.  You keep going.  You will always have more strength than you could ever imagine, because I believe God gives us what we need when we need it.  Oh I could tell you stories

I took a little advise from alot of sources and made it my own, also you are the one that has to live with your choices and God did give you this child to raise for a reason. There are no two children alike and none of my efforts worked for all my children in the same way so if it doesn't work keep trying for long enough so that you know it doesn't work and then just move to the next idea.

Time outs worked great for a couple of my children, but these girls would do anything to please you and got upset when they disobeyed even if it was unintentional.  They were very compliant and eager to please.  Then there are the strong willed and the thinkers

I always tried to reinforse the positive rather than discipline the negative. I would almost over react to the behaviour or choices that I wanted to develop and they did notice when they did not get that reaction.

The consequences were always clearly discribed along with the behaviour that it was for.  Consistency is very very important, you cannot give different results for the same behaviour which is why you both must be doing the same things.

Our most dificult child had behavioural and learning issues to deal with along with having to share our time and attention with three others that also had their own issues.  I know I was far from perfect, but he is now a father of 2 and recently shared that he was thankful that we did spank when we needed to and that he had to face the full consequences of his bad choices throughout his life. We did have to employ tough love during his teens.  Yet he survived and is a very loving father and still loves us.

God gave you this child, not your friend.  Don't be to hard on yourself.  The ride is only begun you will run out of energy if you tie yourself up over what other people say no matter how well meaning they think they are.  Everyone walks a similar walk but we all wear our own shoes.

And don't forget, discipline is only part of the job.  Pray for your son after he has gone to sleep pray over him regularily.  The best thing I ever did was to have an older lady from our church pray for me, for my children.  What ever issues we dealt with, it was her pleasure she said.  She even helped with the laundry while we prayed and my children knew.  They heard, they saw,

Susan - posted on 01/12/2009

Don't be so hard on yourself.  First, it is very difficult if you and your husband do not actually agree on the method and routine that you will use in raising your child.  You talk it out and get a plan. this takes BOTH parents all the way through to the end.  I was also the one that had to deal with all the issues in our house, mostly due to my husbands job which kept him away for weeks at a time.  I also had four children with diffrent health and learning issues.  You keep going.  You will always have more strength than you could ever imagine, because I believe God gives us what we need when we need it.  Oh I could tell you stories

I took a little advise from alot of sources and made it my own, also you are the one that has to live with your choices and God did give you this child to raise for a reason. There are no two children alike and none of my efforts worked for all my children in the same way so if it doesn't work keep trying for long enough so that you know it doesn't work and then just move to the next idea.

Time outs worked great for a couple of my children, but these girls would do anything to please you and got upset when they disobeyed even if it was unintentional.  They were very compliant and eager to please.  Then there are the strong willed and the thinkers

I always tried to reinforse the positive rather than discipline the negative. I would almost over react to the behaviour or choices that I wanted to develop and they did notice when they did not get that reaction.

The consequences were always clearly discribed along with the behaviour that it was for.  Consistency is very very important, you cannot give different results for the same behaviour which is why you both must be doing the same things.

Our most dificult child had behavioural and learning issues to deal with along with having to share our time and attention with three others that also had their own issues.  I know I was far from perfect, but he is now a father of 2 and recently shared that he was thankful that we did spank when we needed to and that he had to face the full consequences of his bad choices throughout his life. We did have to employ tough love during his teens.  Yet he survived and is a very loving father and still loves us.

God gave you this child, not your friend.  Don't be to hard on yourself.  The ride is only begun you will run out of energy if you tie yourself up over what other people say no matter how well meaning they think they are.  Everyone walks a similar walk but we all wear our own shoes.

And don't forget, discipline is only part of the job.  Pray for your son after he has gone to sleep pray over him regularily.  The best thing I ever did was to have an older lady from our church pray for me, for my children.  What ever issues we dealt with, it was her pleasure she said.  She even helped with the laundry while we prayed and my children knew.  They heard, they saw,