7 year old step-daughter peed on rug

Jennifer - posted on 09/01/2011

I didn't read all the posts, just skimmed through, but saw you was a screamer......Me too, and I use to be a step-mom. I adopted them now though. Anyway- my bio daughter is the one who use to pull stuff like this. I just sat her down and had a chat. Asked if she knew why I screamed. She said cause I was mad. I explained that I did get mad when she ruined things, but I was more upset that we could not communicate. I agreed not to scream at her, she agreed not to scream at me. But now we both scream to relieve frustrations. It gave her an unmistakable way to let me know she was mad, without ruining anything, and she knows how I'm feeling when my voice starts to go up! We also use punchingbags or pillows to beat on. Even had pillow fights with each other. Blended families are hard. Add to that both my bio and adopted kids lost a parent due to just not caring. Those emotions gotta go somewhere. The kids and the adults need a release valve, so we used what satan tried to make a bad thing, into a good thing! All my kids also write notes. Too me, so we don't yell about stuff, to the absent parent to sort feelings(they don't get mailed or anything) or just to get emotions out. The rule is that you can only read it if asked to, though! The writing is getting more popular the the yelling now, so either frustration is lowering, or we just yelled ourselves out!

Sharon - posted on 08/30/2011

Terri...thank you for sharing that with me. You give me inspiration. Yes indeed it is tough raising a stepchild. She honestly has been through alot in her little lifetime. I am so blessed that God put me in her life to be a positive, strong female role model in her life. I have and will continue to do alot for her. I feel and know I am doing more for her than her own mother currently is. I treat my stepdaughter as if she was my own child. She is very head strong and strong willed, and quite frankly so am I, so we bump heads alot. I will never ever give up on her and am ready to go thru any challange that lies ahead. thank you, and God Bless! :)

Teri - posted on 08/30/2011

I have a step daughter who was 4 when her Dad and I got married. She is now 13, going to be 14 in October. YES, things similar to what you have been going thru has happened to me. When my stepdaughter was about 6 she had pooped and smeared alot of it on the toilet because she knew that I was the one who would see it and I do the cleaning at home. I think some of it had to do with alot of things that her Mom was saying to her about me and then her older siblings, which used to be my husbands step kids were saying things too. Also, she felt like I was taking her Dad away from her and that made her mad. My husband and her Mom had been divorced for 3 years when we met so she was just a baby and I know she doesn't remember them being together as a couple. Being a step parent is extremely hard but with alot of prayer and still alot of prayer, God has been the source of my strength. You wouldnot believe what all I have gone thru with my stepdaughter and there was so many times I wanted to leave her Dad. I know that without God and prayer, I wouldn't have the strength to make it. We just celebrated our 9 year anniversary this past June. It does make it hard on you and your husband, I am sure. The main thing you need to remember is that, you and your husband need to work together and be a team. Don't let her cause a wedge in your marriage. My stepdaughter caused a wedge in our marriage and just in the past 2 years, my husband finally noticed it and is slowly but surely putting his foot down. Our marriage has gotten stronger because of it. I hope that I have helped you in some way.

Carla - posted on 08/18/2011

Thank God, honey! Paul says God never gives us more than we can bear. Sometimes I wonder if He knows I am human, but He is always with me. Will keep you in my prayers, sweetheart, stay in touch.

God bless

Sharon - posted on 08/18/2011

Carla:
I appreciate your honesty!! I too grew up in that environment, and I fled from home at 17. There were of course other factors that lead me to leave so early. Every morning I ask God for patience, love and tolerance and not to react to her. The past few days I have been so aware of change, and I can see myself stopping and thinking of other ways I can handle situations without yelling. And whats really cool is I have noticed her being more loving with me. Thank you!

Carla - posted on 08/17/2011

Very definitely sounds like she is crying out for attention. The ladies have given you good advice about giving her special attention, but I want to address you being a yeller and screamer:



My mother was a screamer, yeller and cryer. Our lives consisted of trying to 'fix' things so we didn't have to hear her, usually scream at our dad. So I would ask, sweetheart, to pray about this. If you need to put duct tape on your mouth in the morning, that may be a good decision. God gave us coping skills he didn't give men, and He wants us to use these to raise our little ones that He gave us to be loving, caring adults. I got pregnant at 15 to get out. I don't want to see that happen to your girls.



I am not trying to come down on you, please don't think that. My goal in life is to help and encourage other mothers to find Help in our God. That is the only way we are going to make it in this world.



I am praying for you, Sharon. I know it's difficult raising children, but prayer and a close relationship with our Father is the best help you can find. God bless.

Victoria - posted on 08/16/2011

I have to agree with all that Anne said.
I remember my oldest daughter although quite a bit younger had such a hard time adjusting when my middle daughter was born.

My step son was 11 when my oldest was born and he & my step daughter lived with us. She had no problem as she was 14, but he had such a hard time adjusting.
Include her with your new little one, even include her in general daily chores. Let her know she has an important role as a big sister and do everything to encourage her in that role. When she does things like this, ask her if she thinks that is a good example for her younger sibling and ask her what would be a better example. As always pray, pray, pray.

Blessings.

Angela - posted on 08/16/2011

I'm wondering if she's done something similar in her mother's house? And maybe her mother went mad with her because she was concerned about germs to the baby? So then, because YOU have a baby too, she decided to do something similar whilst at your home?

I would have a chat to her mother! But just keep it light, her mother will be very protective if she feels that you are "getting at" her kid.

I'm glad you have a (usually) great relationship with this little girl. Hopefully she won't do it again!

Best wishes & Good luck!

Sharon - posted on 08/16/2011

Thank you Anne!
1. Yes, I have a super close realtionship with my step daughter. I love her and treat her as if she was my own child.

2. I gave birth to my daughter 1 year ago. Her mother just gave birth about 1 month ago.

3. I am honestly a yeller and a screamer. That is my first reaction to everything. I haven't thought about a next time or how I woudl react differently if there was a next time. After seeing your suggestions I would actually love to try them. I am open for ANYTHING other than yelling and screaming. She can sit in her room for the enitre evening, and she can also help me clean up the mess.

Thank you so much for repling to this. I feel like I am at my wits end with everything. May God bless you and your family!

Anne - posted on 08/16/2011

Yes I have as a Child Care Provider in our home years, ago 18 years at least,



I told the child I was sad they felt that way because I loved them. NOW do not think this was a free pass for the chid to get there way. I did have state guidelines I had to follow so I was not as free to be "creative" as I would have been with my own children.



I have a few questions for you. You do not need to answer them here but maybe think about how you would answer if you wrote back and maybe jot down what you would say.



Prayer is the most important thing you can do.



1. Do you have a good relationship with this child?



2 Have you or her mom recently given birth to a sibling?



3 If you reacted in a way you wished you had not acted, what might you do the next time if there is a next time?



Now here a few "suggestions" take them or leave them only if YOU THINK they may help.



1, If there has been a new sibling born try to (at least at your house) include her with the help of the baby, and let her know she is a good helper.



2 If you think you did not do a great job of reacting to this think of how you could have reacted. Taking her to the DR was a great move in my opinion. You at least know that now she is not sick.



3. If she does this again you could put her in P,J,'s and keep her in her room for the evening, If this is too disruptive to your schedule DRY NOT TO REACT and just have her change clothes.



4 have her "Help" clean up the mess. After you or another adult has cleaned up the mess give her a pair of rubber gloves and clear water to scrub the spot and a clean cloth to help dry the spot.



I will be Praying for you and your step-daughter. Please understand I am Not a Healthcare Professional only a mom that has raised 2 adult daughters.