8 months ago we moved states so my 2 older kids can b close to their dad..my sons 17 my daughters 8...my ex has a lady they have 4 kids together and I have my hubby we have 2 babies..my ex's lady since we've been here has left my 8 yr old in the car while she ran in the market she's smacked her in the mouth and most recent she locked her out of the house knowing school bus was dropping her off...to much for me so I'm not allowing my babygirl around her anymore plus she says she dosnt have to b responsible for her...my ex keeps making excuses on why she's done these things and none include it was wrong sorry...so now I'm getting threatning calls from his family saying I'm hurting the kids..what should I have done???
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Carla - posted on 06/08/2012
Again, Cynthia, it sounds like you have gone over and above the call of duty here. If you wrote to this woman 5 months ago and she hasn't responded, she isn't going to. Your daughter is you and your ex's responsibility, which means when she is at their house your ex has GOT to step up and protect that child! Period! I find it peculiar that any decent woman, whether she is the child's bio or not, would put her in harm's way, like leaving her in the car to shop or locking her out of their house. If I were your ex, I would be seriously monitoring THEIR children under her care.
Why is his mother claiming YOUR children on her income tax? I'm sorry, honey, but this situation seems a little strange. Your ex mil could get in SERIOUS trouble claiming children she does not support.
I don't understand HOW, if your kids are at her house, how YOU are going to be responsible for their care. It sounds to me, seriously, as if maybe you want to have the children go over there for a couple hours while your ex is there, but not allow them to spend the night or any length of time. Your ex has GOT to understand that there is a serious problem here that needs to be addressed IMMEDIATELY!
God bless, honey, I surely do hope you get this matter resolved. Our prayers are with you.
Carla - posted on 06/08/2012
You did exactly the right thing, Cynthia. Moving to accommodate your children/ex's relationship was extremely gracious of you, and it sounds like they don't appreciate it!
I think I'd sit down with Ex and have a list of things his significant other has done. Turn the table around and ask him how HE would like it if YOUR husband did that to HIS child. Sometimes this kind of jolts their thought process from defending his woman to defending his children. Let him know the hardship was moving so he could be close to his children, and you would appreciate a little cooperation in return. Let him know, very calmly, that if he wants to see the children or just daughter, he will have to agree to take her to a neutral location, and NOT have her around this woman. Women are vindictive. Another woman's children are a threat to her--she see their family as the only one that matters, and your children are disturbing her life. Pray and fast before you talk to him, so you know the Spirit is with you in your decision, then go in the spirit of meekness and talk to him. Meekness doesn't mean mousiness, it just means you want to make peace, not stir up World War III. But this child is YOUR responsibility, and you need to keep her safe, body and mind. She doesn't need this woman abusing her. Also, if she does this again in the future, call child protective services. Locking an 8 y/o outside where anyone could snatch her is unconscionable! I don't even let our 6 y/o grandson on our PORCH by himself!
God bless, honey, stand your ground, pray hard.
Maybe you should of not moved States ! Do you attend a local church ? Was it something you prayed about ? What about Godly council did your pastor also pray about it.? sometimes in life we look at things on the outward and they seem so rational like moving to be closer to family , but in reality God sees the bigger picture. you need to get Legal advice and also i would set the boundaries on visits etc maybe you can ask your former husband to meet at a deignated public spot And if you havent already go to church with your children and get involved with Christian families. As well as good Christian guidance
Angela - posted on 06/11/2012
Sounds as though she resents your children for existing! Nothing would be nicer for her than if he was somehow not their biological father (how childish!).
This is proven by the fact she wanted a paternity test on your SON - who was conceived, born and living with you - long before she even MET your former partner! Heaven only knows how she feels about your daughter who came along during the time she knew him!
And your ex sounds like a REAL PRIZE. "Pollinating every flower" (as Carla put it) is an extremely polite way to summarise his behaviour. She is judging you by HIS morals. He evidently is unable to be sexually exclusive (one partner only). So, by her reckoning, she feels you're just the same, hence the paternity tests.
At the very least, all this is all very ungracious of her (and him) when you've even moved State so the kids can be near their Dad! Having said that, she is probably not at all pleased that you moved to their State. Before this happened she had the luxury of pretending your 2 children didn't exist - all the fatherly devotion went to HER kids. Well tough cookies!
Why not agree to the Paternity tests? If SHE is the person who is querying the children's true paternity, she bears the burden of paying for these tests - you would only have to pay if it was proven either of them weren't his children. Of course, she may already be only too aware that they really are his son & daughter, but it's easier to pretend to herself that they may not be whilst at the same time casting doubt on YOU.
Pray hard about all of this. There are no easy answers but everyone on here can see that this women is taking YOU for a sucker and your kids as unimportant people of no consequence.
Carla - posted on 06/11/2012
Excellent catch, Dove! NO wonder the 'lady' wants a paternity test!
A woman's jealousy is an awesome thing. Especially if her man is roaming around pollinating all the little flowers in town.
With this 'new' information Dove has unearthed, I would most certainly now make sure your children are NEVER left alone with this woman--AND, having a talk with your ex, stating if this situation isn't taken care of, after you have moved to their location so he could have a relationship with the children, you will reduce and/or have supervised visits. You HAVE to protect your children!
God bless, honey, we're prayin' for you and the children.
Dove - posted on 06/10/2012
Your ex has been with her 10 years and the two of you have an 8 year old together? Right there could possibly be the entire cause of her mistreating your daughter. Purely speculation on my part, of course. I hope it all works out for you and your kids!
Angela - posted on 06/09/2012
What I can't get over is that you say she advised your ex to get a paternity test on your son when he was only 4. Yet there are 9 years between your son and your daughter, so ...... from her saying that when he was just 4, you were obviously still with the children's father as you had another child to him 5 years after she made that remark. Was she also in a relationship with him at the same time? Or was she doing her best to "steal" him from you?
Also, what's all this about "scheduled visits and for me to be responsible so my ex can understand it's not my hubbys responsibility either..." I read this as though if the visits are "scheduled" she doesn't have to look after your child at her house, but your ex can still see her? And that if you sign as "responsible" your husband is officially cut out of the loop so your ex's feelings aren't hurt ....? Am I reading this correctly? I'm British and the Law is probably a bit different here ....
Cynthia - posted on 06/08/2012
Thank you ladies for your words...@ Angela...my ex has been with this girl for 10 yrs she was mean to my son also now that he's older he has no relationship with her...I don't talk bad about her for my 8 yr old to make anything up...she did smack her mouth she did leave her in the car and she did lock her out of the house..my ex and I have always parented great together when we moved here which my hubby and I don't like it here but I wanted my kids to be close to their dad and we did discuss schedules ...the huge problem is this girl hates me when she first met my ex our son was 4 and she said he should hav paternity test done cuz my son didn't look like him...I've let alot things go with this girl especialy since we lived in different states now that were close my daughter always wants to be with her dad and I have no problem with her being at her dads and spending time with her siblings but she has a prob with my babygirl going there so much that's why she said a few days ago she's not goin to be responsible for my daughter which she's her husbands daughter too..my hubby had no problem being there for my kids past 5 yrs they have a great relationship my kids tell him they love him he even gets along with my ex they've played ball together and we all parent together except her..I even wrote her a letter tellin her I've never had a problem with her and it's a good idea if we can all talk n parent together..that was 5 months ago and she never responded...my daughter can see her dad n siblings anytime just not her...the threatning calls are cuz I told my ex I'm goin to be collecting child support now which I havnt for past 17 yrs...his lady wants scheduled visits and for me to be responsible so my ex can understand it's not my hubbys responibility either...so that's why I got threatened for IRS fraud cuz I let his mom claim the kids this yr...after all this in 8 months I just want to go back home to L.A.
Lisa - posted on 06/08/2012
All of these women are giving great advice. I agree that you should pray and go forth with a meeting with you, your ex, and his new girlfriend. Communicate your expectations on the proper care your child should receive, while under their supervision. If you have proof and the situation still doesn't change, you may have to reconsider the dad's visits. Love and proper care are a must!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Angela - posted on 06/08/2012
Are the threatening calls you're getting from your ex's family saying you're allegedly doing something specific to the children? Or do they simply mean you're "hurting" them by keeping them away from their father? Or are you "hurting" them by allowing them to SEE their father when his partner now isn't kind to them?
How old are the children your ex and his current partner have together? I'm assuming that if your daughter is 8, then their 4 children are all quite small? Does she have any idea of how to correctly look after an 8 year old who is someone else's child?
When you say your former partner "makes excuses for her" does he do so in such a way that acknowledges what she did? The reason I'm asking this is because children - even as young as 8 - realise there is mileage to be had out of exaggerating and making up stories about certain adults. If their father's new partner is someone that their mother has very clearly disapproved of - and in front of the children - it's easy to come up with things that will garner an extra bit of attention for the child and make trouble for the targetted adult. I am not calling your daughter a liar, by the way, but her Dad's current partner only has to be 5% "nasty" for the child to seize upon this and invent a few tales that put her in a bad light. If Mom doesn't like the woman anyway, the child has nothing to lose.
What about your son? He's older and can surely clarify a few things? Or might he have an agenda of his own to discredit the stepmother?
The scenarios I've given all point to the children exaggerating but, of course, this women may well be everything you say and more ....
I suggest you go round there in a non-threatening way with or without your kids. Take a pie, casserole or some home-made cookies (a gift) and be nice to both your ex and his female partner. Chat about your 2 children and tell them your expectations. Describe the food you'd prefer they did or didn't eat, explain clearly about any medicine either of them use, go into what is needed from the boy (and possibly the girl too) as regards homework assignments for school. Tell them the bedtimes you think your kids should have, how much Internet browsing is acceptable when they're surfing the web etc .... Then get on to discipline and punishment. Tell them what's acceptable and what isn't. Do all of this in a friendly fashion but so they know what your boundaries and expectations are.
Then visit or phone your ex's family and ask them exactly what their concerns are and also what business it is of theirs when you have already discussed things at length with the children's father.
Lisa - posted on 06/08/2012
Respect is so important, every day, from and to everyone! Being in a child's life is a gift, no matter what role we are called to. Adults are responsible for children and need to give them the best care possible. No matter if they are our children, family member's children, etc.
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