Advice needed

Carla - posted on 01/12/2012

@Linda, oh, the stories I could tell! It's a wonder I ever stayed even as far away as I was, to Christianity. I am ever so thankful to God that HE stayed close to me, and kept telling me that there was more to a life with Him than what I had been shown.



God bless, darlin'

Angela - posted on 01/12/2012

Lindsay I don’t think my input will be much use to you because I’m the kind of person who really enjoys my own company – although I enjoy coming on here to talk to the other Forum members so that’s a kind of friendship circle as well. When I was your age though, social interaction with others my age was important to me. This did include those who were a little older and a little younger (not too much though!).



Many young people like the party scene, drinking and running about from one nightspot/licensed bar to the next. I was always well-exhausted after a night out like this and I’ve never really been a drinker. I’m not teetotal but don’t see the benefit of regular sustained consumption of alcohol. It’s expensive and it has you running to the bathroom more times than you would have to ordinarily! In no way to me is this a good night out – I like my leisure time to be relaxing and fulfilling. Another feature of nights out like this with other young people is that no one (apparently) wants to wear a coat, their clothing is skimpy and made of thin cloth (even if it covers you adequately in terms of “decency”) and females are expected to totter around on skyscraper heels! This isn’t what I would equate with comfort. Add alcohol and tobacco to the mix and it’s even worse! You don’t have to drink OR smoke yourself but being around other people who are drunk and /or smoking will ladder your panti-hose very swiftly!



A night out I had with 2 friends over 26 years ago wasn’t much fun for me – it was to celebrate my 27th birthday. One lady was about 5 years younger than me and had no kids. The other was around 5 years older than me, had married very young and her son was grown up! So these two didn’t quite have the “ties” that I did. They used to have regular nights out with each other. One of them yelled “Let’s head to the next pub! Catch a taxi over the road, there’s one! Last one in the taxi pays the fare ….” and (of course), it was me that paid the fare. I wouldn’t care, but the place we were heading to was about 7 minutes’ walk away on foot! Next night out that was proposed, I said “can I bring my bike? I can leave it securely locked up in the entryway of each place we visit…?” (didn’t want to be stung paying the taxi fare again!) the other 2 looked at me like I was mad!



Many pubs charge prices that indicate their soft drinks are actually more expensive than their alcoholic drinks. People who are driving or are on medication or simply don’t drink, might stick to fruit juice or cordial etc but to charge a price for these that was relative to the cost of buying soft drinks from a retailer means the licensee is losing potential takings. Some people address this by smuggling drinks into places – this is very frowned upon. Licensees don’t care whether it’s a small flask of whiskey, a can of beer, a carton of fruit juice or a bottle of Coke. They’re running a business and don’t wish to provide the hospitality of their premises to people who aren’t spending money with them! Been there, tried that! Some places even frisk people on the door to check they’re not bringing in drinks from elsewhere.



This isn’t the kind of social life I crave, and if I’m honest, it wasn’t enjoyable when I was young!



My work friends I just see at work. I’m not adverse to spending time with them outside of work but even the ones that are closer in age to me (I’m nearly 54 now) seem to like the exhausting, stressful type of night out I’ve described to you above.



I love reading, music, using my computer. I like creative stuff (including writing – really want to write a novel some day) and I’m really heavily into my hobbies. Don’t like sport or anything too physically energetic. I like family occasions and lighthearted social gatherings where I can stay in one place and enjoy myself – as long as the evening doesn’t go on too long! Daytime outings are good as well.



Online friends suit me fine – I can “leave” any online gathering at any time I get bored (will return later) and perhaps Google some other matter of interest. Or I can log out and read my book for a while. I have an e-Book reader and I swap pdf files with other owners of e-Book readers I might meet online. We e-mail them to each other!



I have had “meet-ups” with online friends a couple of times and taken my husband along. We’ve had a lot of fun with this.



I’m also on FaceBook. But I find the FaceBook community a bit shallow sometimes. I don’t go on there very often.



My kids are grown-up and live independently now. We see each other of course and fairly regularly – but I live in another town over 20 miles away from them.



I can honestly say that my husband is my very best friend. Hope you don’t think I’m a sad case or old before my time!



I like the people at my Church but don't feel I have very much in common with them. Some of them go to a Social Club not very far from my house but I only go there with clients from work. I don't much care for playing Bingo etc ...



I think having 2 or 3 hobbies you’re passionate about and meeting other people of like mind might be stimulating for you and a way to meet new friends. Would it be possible for you to attend a nightschool class? Or perhaps a daytime course that’s part-time? It could be in anything at all. Popular ones are cake decorating, foreign languages, needlecraft, motor mechanics, beauty therapy, computer skills, tailoring, hair dressing, money & budgeting etc … These are all very useful skills to have as well. My friend who was unemployed for years ended up getting a really good job out of going to a local college for 2½ hours every week to learn British Sign Language – made loads of friends as well. But she only joined it for fun to begin with!



Hope you can find a way to meet friends and have fun that suits you!

Linda - posted on 01/12/2012

Wow, Carla...you seem to have experienced the most atrocious conduct by Christians possible! How horrible. I do think the church is the best place for finding friends--however, I would add that most of my friends are families. Our whole family gets together with their whole family. Also, even with our Christian friends, my husband and I have rules to protect our marriage. Therefore, I won't drive anywhere in a car with one other man (or go to dinner, etc), even if that man is godly and I don't think anything would ever happen. It is just a hedge we put around our marriage. The best support I get, however, is from my ladies Bible study--we can share prayer requests and support each other. My husband is my best friend....but I think if we depend on our husbands completely for emotional support, we can overwhelm them. That, and they don't like to watch Jane Austen movies as much as I do! :) So I think a few godly woman in your life is a good thing!

Carla - posted on 01/12/2012

As being older (yes, even older than Anne ;)), I can look at this subject in an entirely different way. Looking back, my need for friends usually got me in trouble. Even when it was an innocent movie night, then maybe dinner, it either ended up with guys coming over to the table, or 'let's have one drink'. As a lot of you know, I am a reformed alcoholic, and one drink, in my definition, was 12 or more. I always worked, with 3 kids and a messy husband, there wasn't a lot of free time, or at least there shouldn't have been. Later in life, after the kids were grown, I hooked up with what I thought was a wonderful Christian woman, and we were inseparable. Long story short, my health deteriorated drastically, so this wonderful Christian woman came over to care for me--she drugged me into semi-consciousness, then seduced my husband. So my view on having friends, even 'Christian' friends, is skewed. I would seriously pray and ask the Lord to bring a friend. Make sure you are hearing His voice, and limit the amount of time you spend with them.



Sorry to be a downer, but you need to be aware that, even if they come from your church, even if you feel they are working in your best interest, Satan is still alive and well, and can sabotage your life.



God bless, all

Kelsey - posted on 01/11/2012

I was lonely before I started attending my church again. And was probably one of the main reasons I started attending again. I married at age 20 and had a little girl nine months later. I was never into partying anyway, but I left the friends who were behind. My husband is my best friend and for a while I believe I was too dependent on his being around. I was very lonely because I was not getting any 'girl' time and by the time I finally went back to church I already had my second little girl and was therefore in much desperate need of a social life. I even tried re-connecting with one of my highschool buddies and that was hard for me, but she wasn't interested and I was disappointed and kept telling God I was lonely. Then when I went back to chuch I heard God say "They are the friends you need" As I knew they would, my church welcomed me back after years with no judgement and open arms (Now my girls have everyone there wrapped around their fingers!). I made friends, it took time, with ladies younger than my 26 years and older and one lady right around my age and now she is my dinner and movie girl. She comes with me to see the girly movies my husband doesn't want to, lol. But I love Annes advice about young and old because it is so true! I look up to the other woman who are about in there 30's and have a little bit more life experience than I and yet I feel like I can still relate to the younger ladies and help mentor them along a little bit.

Anyways, Lindsay, my advice and a fellow sister-in-Christ, wife and mother, get involved. I know its hard, because I'm quite shy myself too, but it is totally worth it! Pray about it!

Linda - posted on 01/09/2012

Lindsay, find a church you're comfortable in...and then get involved. You will meet friends even If you're shy by working with them. Help out in he children's ministry, get involved in a Bible study, or a Moms on Touch group.

Lindsay - posted on 01/09/2012

I still stay in contact with some of my old friends through email, but thats about it. My family in NC lives 10 hours away, and my family in CA lives well over a 2 days drive away. So going to see those old friends is not possible unless I am there, which I do go see them while I am in town. As for church, we have tried to find a church near us that fits our lifestyle. We were going to one down the road, but realized it did not quit fit. I still go on occasion, but not as I used to. The people that go there are a lot older than us, or a lot younger than us. I am trying to find a new church in a bigger town, which may be something I am accustomed too, and hopefully I can find some friends through that. But I am a very shy person at first. I open up after I get to know you a bit, but not right off the bat. I am also 6 months pregnant and have a 6 year old step son, so as I said before, my family life and responsibilities have changed. Thank you both for your posts :)

Anne - posted on 01/09/2012

I have a little different take, BUT please remember that I am 56 years old and have 2 adult daughters, and have been married to their father for just over 32 years.



Although I had friends before we were married my friendships did change after I was married. For me it was mostly because I no longer wanted to do things without my husband. Again this is in part because it was the time I was raised. Now most of my friends were from my church youth group, so the "Parting" issue was not a factor. AS we had our daughters I was busy with them and my husband. Now that we are "empty nesters" I have made some very good friends with the women in my church. But even now my husband and I do not go out with many other couples. Partly because I really enjoy being home with my husband and partly because he is not a big crowd person. I have said all of this to say add that I think part of what you are feeling is because of the season of life you are in. I have found that Face Book has helped me stay connected to old friends. Not the same as spending time in person, but for me it is working.



If you are part of a church seek out women not only your own age but a few years older and younger. AS an older women (NOT AN PLD WOMWN LOL) I can be an example to younger women and share my knowledge gained from my age. From older women I have so much to learn about being the Women God wants me to be that I would NOT exclude my friendships with the older women in my Church. I will be Praying for both of you as you strive to form lasting and meaningful long lasting relationships.

Tonilyn - posted on 01/08/2012

I was the same way before I got married. I had lots of friends who I spent time with and went out with a lot. It all changed when I got married, my proirities have changed drastically. It's all a part of growing up :). I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with it. I too only have work friends just at work. I sometimes contact old friends to get together for lunch or dinner but that's about it. I spend my days with my son mostly because my husband works A LOT. It can get lonely but my son keeps it interesting (with him being two now)