Am I setting my hopes and expectations too high??

Natasha - posted on 01/07/2011 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I seem to be going through a time of venting to my husband. Here lately, it has entailed his "desire" for me. Don't get me wrong; I like it as much as the next person, but I'd like a little romance too.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have 3 kids ages 4, 2 (3 next month), and 8 months. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I babysit a couple kids before and after school. I'm literally stuck at home all week. The only time I seem to get to go anywhere is to church on Sunday. My husband works nights, gets all the sleep he needs, and goes out with his buddies a couple times each month.
He doesn't seem to understand that I'm worn out from taking care of kids, cleaning the house, cooking dinner, dealing with bills and money junk, and everything else that comes with being a stay-at-home mom. And it really bothers me that, almost every time we have some quiet time together, it seems the only thing he thinks about is "getting some". I know I'm supposed to be a submissive wife, but isn't he supposed to "woo" me a bit as well?
All I'm asking for is a picked flower or a note saying how much he loves me every now and then, or just being able to cuddle without him mentioning that he would really like to "have some fun" but will cuddle with me instead because he knows I like it (makes me feel like I'm forcing him to cuddle). Nothing big and fancy, just the little stuff that shoes me he's thinking about WHO I am and not just what I look like and what he can get from me.
It's been very frustrating. I've talked to him about it many times and have gotten so tired of repeating myself that I've just begun to "grin and bear it" even though I'm not in the mood at all, which makes me feel even worse.
If you would, please say a prayer for me. He's going to watch the kids for a few hours tomorrow, so I can get my hair cut and have some time to myself, which is nice, but I'd really like to come home and not get frustrated all over again.

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Carla - posted on 01/08/2011

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I read somewhere that men (especially young men) have a sexual thought every 28 seconds. That sounds about right. Men are from Mars (the sex planet) and women are from Venus. It took probably 20 years for him to figure out that he was treating me like a piece of meat and a paycheck. I knew he loved me, but the feelings were overwhelming! I am praying for you all, that it doesn't take that long for your husbands. Pray for strength, pray for understanding from your husband. They really don't know that they are hurting us.

God bless all

Linda - posted on 01/08/2011

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I know exactly how you feel--I felt the same way when my children were young. One thing that changed everything in this area of our marriage was when we went to a Family Life Weekend to Remember Conference (which I highly recommend.) We purchased a book there called "Intended for Pleasure" by Ed Wheat. Boy, I wish we had got that book before we were married! I learned so much about my husband and he learned so much about me--it completely changed this aspect of our life! I also don't think I fully appreciated how when men want "some", it is how they show love--it is the main way they know how to do it. I will warn everybody that the book is very explicit and has some "how to" sections (which incidentally we found very helpful). Don't ignore this part of your marriage. It's very easy for us to say we're too tired (because usually we are), but if we don't put enough importance on it, it can undermine a marriage.

Heather - posted on 01/08/2011

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Men don't always understand that we need the romantic side of the relationship too. The best thing I could suggest is for you to be romantic towards him. Make him a candle light dinner, or put love notes in his lunch box if he takes one (if not, put them in his pockets when your folding clothes or leave them on the dash board to his car), create romantic moments. Maybe get take the kids to the sitter and turn some music on so you can slow dance in your living room. I 100% know how you feel, but I also know that guys don't always understand what we need. Chances are that if you start doing some of these things they will be reciprocated (not always, but it increases the possibility).

Michelle - posted on 01/08/2011

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Hey ladies... I totally understand where you are coming from here! I have three children 4, 2 (almost 3), and 1 year. My husband and I had issues similar to this for about 3 years and it was not fun. We really had to open up communication with each other, and I had to look at myself and how my actions were affecting our relationship as well.



I was/am such a cuddle bug myself. There is nothing wrong with cuddling, but just understand how it would affect your husband to cuddle alot and then not get any satisfaction on his part in the end. Men are more physical beings in comparison to women and having your spouse so close to you can be tempting for them. So he probably wouldn't have a problem if it sometimes led to more physical things once in a while.



I had gotten to the point where I too felt degraded and frustrated from what I considered unwanted advancements. Our inimate life together, to me, had almost become obligatory and boring; my husband even opened up and told me that he knew that I was feeling that way and it made him, in turn, feel insecure. While at the same time I just felt like I wanted a break from neediness, since I delt with kids all day. I doubt that your husband intentionally means to cause you discomfort or make you feel badly.



We worked through this together and really had to openly communicate our thoughts with one another. Sometimes it seemed very repetitious, but it really helps. A lot of your husbands advances have probably turned into something of a habit for him now, and it may take a while to break. I asked him to stop being so blatant and grabby, and also evaluated my own actions towards him. Men want to feel loved in the way they understand. I realized I wasn't dressing up for him anymore or flirting or making him really feel special. And so we came to a nice compromise that has really helped. I am very fortunate because my husband really helps out with the kids and gives me some alone time to let me primp and feel pretty. I try to do a girls night out once a month too. And we try to go on a nice date nigh once a month as well. We try to send each other sweet text messages every so often. I also started taking some herbs to help with hormone regulation. I really felt blah after my kids, and the herbs helped with that too. I pray that you and your husband will find a way to be pleasing to one another in your own way. :)

Jennifer - posted on 01/08/2011

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I know exactly how you feel. Some of my favorite times, before we got married were the times we sat on the couch together all snuggled up. I honestly can't remember the last time we did that. My husband has a very high sex drive, and after having 4 kids, it is incredibly hard to keep up with him. Sometimes I tell myself that I don't have any right to say anything, because after having those 4 kids, I look nothing like I used to, and I should be happy he still feels desire for me. My biggest problem is that he is always grabbing at me (I don't think I really need to explain where) and anymore it just feels degrading. I feel like an object of lust instead of a wife he loves and cares about. I know deep down that he loves me, but it would just be nice to feel that love in a way that is tailored to my feelings sometimes. I will be praying for you, and hope you all the best.

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